sweeping corners

A little blue today....

2012-02-19T22:56:00.002-05:00

I suppose it's being anxious about the home improvements being made. The house is in disarray and it's stressing me a little. I am off tomorrow and I think I will get some stuff caught up then. I kind of piddled around to day and didn't really do much. Went for a long ride. Thought about the up coming lenten season and what I was going to give up and take on. I need to really think about that in the next couple of days.

Feeling anxious about my job and what is to come. Me, teaching things that are outside my comfort zone. If I can't teach art I always said I wouldn't be a teacher. Reality, time off...benefits...steady work...I really couldn't beat it and I need to just simply be thankful that I have a job.

I was feeling a little regretful of things I had done. Things that I had said. Things I can never undo. I need to let it go. I usually can but today I had a day of wallowing. I was angry today. Angry at HIM, angry at her (my mother). Both for leaving me. I have a hard time getting close to someone. I need to work on being a better friend, letting myself be vulnerable. That's hugely frightening. I've come sooo far. Sooo far. I can keep going.

Validation...

2012-02-13T22:44:00.000-05:00

All of your friends know how you "made it".
One of your friends called you a virus because you take what you need and then move on. Parasite is more like it.
You think you're better than everyone else, and yet you couldn't motivate yourself to do well unless you took the coward's way out. What are you going to do when the shit hits the fan in your new life? That's going to be a hell of a lot messier and I doubt your shallow little brain has learned anything yet.
I hear you're not a really active parent...I figured as much. That way you're protected when the shit does hit the fan. You can say they "weren't planned" (a laugh...You avoided it for 10 years). You can say that you didn't have a say in their upbringing. etc. from what I hear, she's a shallow being as well so the kids don't stand a chance.
As for your father and your weeping, mourning, and beating of your short man chest, do you remember when he was sick in the hospital and pretty much lost his mind? What did you say? You said he should go ahead and be a man and stop taking his meds and DIE. Yes, you said that. So you feel guilty now?? You should. It disgusted me when I heard it back in 2003 and you disgust me now because I am allowed to feel it. You're a selfish hateful being.

A user.

I cursed you once. You remember don't you? I wonder if you think about that on the hard days. Those days when you want to escape. You'll never be able to now. Unless you want to be like Jamie and abandon them. character runs really deep in your family. You feel ashamed that you have come from them. You look down on them because you're "better". Deep inside though, you know you're not.

I am free. I was blind to what you were because I somehow loved you. Sure, there were great things about you and I believed in you. Maybe deep down though there was something that I couldn't love and didn't realize it. Yes, I am free. Think about that on your hard days. You may have your education and be living in your stately home making the big bucks with your stay at home wife and your 2.5 brood but I am free. Not tied down to materialism and enjoying life on a modest scale but grandiose in freedom from worry...freedom from stress...freedom from drama. I never thought it possible to be so happy. The best thing you ever did was leave me. Thank you.

I would rather be alone...

2012-01-16T12:15:00.000-05:00

than go through the pain I did when my marriage died.

Sometimes I don't even want to get to know someone. They disappoint me so early on and I have such little patience for it all.

I am entitled...Yes, I said the E word!

2011-12-30T11:27:00.000-05:00

So, I got a loan and here is what I am having done

Baseboards/crown moulding

New tile in the hall/foyer/kitchen

New cabinets and counter tops, sink etc. in kitchen

New bathrooms...All of them.

New front door

New interior doors

I should have it paid off in 7 years. When I met with the banker yesterday he said my credit was flawless so I got the lowest rate possible. Thank you Mom and Nick for teaching me well about spending. I am so excited. I let Frank know that the loan was approved (with conditions for right now...they have to check the house out and all that junk). and he said we'd get together soon to choose the stuff and get the ordering started. He said in a few weeks we could be starting the actual physical part of it. I really can't wait to get a new front door with window! It will let a lot of light in. I am so glad I am doing this. I was waiting and saving so that I could pay it all off but then I would never be able to enjoy my house. After all that has taken place in the last 5.5 years, I am ENTITLED to live a good life, have nice things and be HAPPY and PROUD of the things I've worked for.

So, that is where I stand today. I am going to clean the house today and take pics of all the potential changes (the before pics). It's especially poignant today because today, 5 years ago is when my new chapter in life began...This is the day that Mike left. Five years of living by myself, taking care of myself and making sure my life was good. It is.

To do...

2011-12-26T07:40:00.000-05:00

Hiking today at the Nature center.

Tomorrow I will start to put everything away from the old year and prep for the new year. It starts on the 27th but it might not all be finished until the 29th or there abouts. It will definitely be finished by the 30th though. It's like a spring cleaning in the winter.

And so it has come and gone...

2011-12-25T22:41:00.001-05:00

Christmas is over. It's always a relief when it is. It's not that I don't like christmas, though I am not as loopy about it as most people, it's just that it's such a disruption from Thanksgiving until now. Everything gets out of whack. I guess that's why I look forward to the New Year so much because really, a moment in time, a date, is not the only time you have to start a clean slate. There is no reason everyday can't be a new year.

It's like the calendars. They used to only come in standard January through Dec. But now they come in 18 months from June to December of the next year. Or, they'll start from the academic year to the next academic year...I love my calendars. I love filling them up with plans. But yes, there is something about getting a brand new calendar full of possibilities. But, back to the New year and why we look forward to it. The Christmas season is the last hurrah of the year. The hope and halmark moments...the cheerfulness that comes with that, the flurry of activities and parties and craziness...all rising to a crescendo to where you just can't take anymore and then it's over in a flash. There's nothing else to look forward to so you begin to plan and hope and dream for the next year. This will be the year that I lose weight...this will be the year that I save money...This will be the year that I find love...

This will be the year where I plan some adventures. I'm going to Costa Rico if my friends do not peter out on me. that will NOT be this year, but it will definitely be in the planning stages.

This will be the year that I get healthier. I've been doing that steadily for the last few years. I want to step it up this year.

This will be the year that I get some long awaited Home improvements done. I've contacted and old friend from my married days to help with that. We'll forget the talk of the ex. It wasn't much talk and I did not bring it up. There were some things said that made me feel validated in my feelings of being wronged though.

This may be a year of changes. Some of them may be very scary. It's always scary to let go of people when you feel like you'll never find another person to fill that need. But, sometimes you have to recognise that people are selfish and you're not going to be able to change that.

There are things that I will change, things that I will let go, things that I will start doing instead. I hope to do them quietly and without much notice or comments. Those put much too much pressure on a person.

European Paint Finishes: Portfolio

2011-12-17T22:21:00.000-05:00

European Paint Finishes: Portfolio: Vintage RollTop

-MORE TO COME!

two years ago this week.

2011-12-04T12:15:00.000-05:00

I had my hysterectomy. Life has been so much better not worrying about that diminishing biological clock that was never really strong to begin with. I don't have the horrible horrible depression and bursts of unexplained anger and anxiety that were making me believe I was crazy. My friend Jenny said I would miss having my period but then again, she's a breeder so it's symbolism of motherhood was something else for her. While mine were never bad, I don't miss them. I love not having to worry about packing protection against a surprise start. No cramps, no bloating, etc. It's nothing but bliss not having to worry about it.

Last year at this time I had just broken up with Dave. We had our last fling Dec. 30th.

Ah, December 30th. That day, I could look at it as something full of sadness. Dec. 30th, 2006, mike moved out. December 30th, 2007, he came to get his stuff and it was the last time I ever saw him. Dec. 30th, 2010, the last time Dave and I were together before he began dating Jenny (whom I love and I love them both)...my point is, I could look at that date as an ending and sadness but it's not. It's been about new beginnings. They weren't happy at first but they became happy. It's also the date that I have begun my tradition of airing out the house and doing a deep clean. I like the traditions that I have started within my new life.
September new year, Rosh Hashanah I take inventory of my goals and work on what I have not finished
December 15th, putting up decorations
December 30th, Taking down the decorations, the airing of the home, out with the old, in with the new.
January 1, the making of goals.
March/April, getting the house ready for Summer.

I look forward to each of them and developing new traditions.

It's a Sunday and what am I anxious about?

2011-11-27T13:15:00.000-05:00

I have an observation scheduled this week for my job. I just don't want to do anything to prep for it. I am burnt out for the year already. Spent...my wad blown. That happened way too early this year.

So, what am I grateful for? Let's concentrate on that.
My house and the getting ready for the holidays...Oh yes, I have taken them back and this year I really want to do some beautiful decorating.

My job...yes, it sucks right now BUT, I have a job with benefits and that is very good.

My friends and family. They're still here and they keep me sane. I need to remember to rely on them better and I need to be a better friend.

My health...Needs to be better as I've fallen off the wagon on fitness and nutrition. Must get back on that and not take for granted that I CAN!

My abilities to keep myself sane and happy though i need to be better disciplined in some areas. Motivation and inspiration need work.

And something is cracking...

2011-11-16T23:10:00.000-05:00

I don't know where.

Ice on the side walk brittle branches in the air....Oh Ms. Vega a way of painting pictures with words. The kind of pictures you feel and see like a movie screen going through your head.

I miss you. Whoever you are. I miss you.

Sometimes...

2011-10-30T21:24:00.000-04:00

When I am doing the most mundane things, I miss him.

2011-09-18T21:15:00.002-04:00

I had a lot of fun this weekend. Two day party, kayaking and laughing so hard. I will be going to bed early tonight though.

So behind in all my work at home. Uninspired and hating the early sunsets. This week will be used for catch up.

I would say I love my life...

2011-08-10T13:31:00.000-04:00

And I do. But right now it is sucking lemons and I have no sugar to make lemonade.

Another transition back to school, back to routine. I'll be fine a few weeks into it.

I think we scraped the bottom of the barrel for some of our teachers.

Going to cumberland this weekend. Was thinking I shouldn't go because school starting and blah blah blah but now I know more than ever that YES I should go. I need to do something out of my comfort zone so that I can get back to appreciation of my world.

I hate men. Not really, I love them but they scare me and I don't understand them. I think they're just best avoided.

Well...

2011-07-25T17:16:00.000-04:00

Two interests just dead in the water. That feeling like you just gotta have it and then nothing. I suppose I should be thankful that any longing for something did not linger and cause suffering. Is it a sign of getting older and wiser? Can it be that there just isn't anything all that important?

What is important? Health. If I must be on this earth I choose to be healthy.

Wealth...Enough to survive, be comfortable and pay for finding some joy in experiences

Experiences...without, there is no enrichment for the soul or reason to go on.

Friendship...though I don't hold that too preciously because it can be fleeting.

Family...I used to put it up there at the top and yet, now that my mother, father and husband are gone in one form or another, that too can be fleeting.

How dreary and morbid a thought.

things I can do now...

2011-04-12T14:59:00.000-04:00

1. a back bend
2. twist my arms in that eagle pose thingie in yoga
3. The bow
4.  The balance pose on my hands with my feet resting on my elbows. Can't remember what it is called and I can only do it for a split moment.
5.   My feet don't hurt anymore (but my right ankle has been giving me fits)
6.. Distance in hiking has increased. Went on a 7.5 mile hike on Sat. and 4 mi on Sunday. No pain.
7.   Lifting heavier weights.
8.   blood pressure and pulse have dramatically lowered.

Top 10...

2011-04-02T21:55:00.000-04:00

Top 10 things I love

My ipod
my camera
exercising
hiking
being competitive
being outgoing
being out of my comfort zone
yoga yoga yoga
being independent
being in love

Total euphoria

2011-02-27T17:46:00.001-05:00

I've had two solid weeks of dedicated exercise. Yesterday I went on my first distance hike...6.8 miles and hilly terrain. I enjoyed it very much. I met the new squeeze of my old squeeze and felt nothing. No green eyed monster to rear it's ugly head. I like her. She's very sweet and funny and frankly, I think she's too good for him. I've come to realise that he's just not all that exciting, kind, or interesting other than he likes to do outdoorsy things. He's really quite the ass.

I lost three lbs after gaining 5lbs from last week and then losing 3...so my point is that I am now lower than my low point in a year from last week. :) make sense? Ok, 185.

Went for a walk with Kell today. Day was good. Got errands done and now cleaning what looks like a frat house.

Oh for fuck's sake!

2011-02-06T21:23:00.000-05:00

I don't remember all the lyrics to the Star Spangled Banner. I remember most but if I had to sing it in public, I would probably fall all over the words. So, Christina Aguilera messes up the lyrics during the Superbowl. I get it. It's in public, in front of millions. You don't do that. I post on facebook that I wouldn't have really noticed the mess up. I was more annoyed by her elongation of monosyllabic words than the mistake. Jaysus christ on a cracker. Everyone's beating their chest and bleating about being unpatriotic. A hearty go fuck yourself to all of them in their little I'm more patriotic becuase I know the words to a song pissing match.

Other annoyances on facebook....
Stop bitching about your kids. You had them, you wanted them, suck it up and deal with it. Yeah, I know blah blahblah most important job in the world...blah blah blah...it's so hard....blah blah blah....I don't think Mommy humour is funny. I think it is stupid and I think it is boring. So is dissing your husband/wife. It's disrespectful.

Google is your friend. Think before you send that fwwd email out. It's probably not true.

YEah, that's about it.

Loving my life.

2011 weather...

2011-02-01T20:07:00.000-05:00

I think the weather is getting to everyone. Everyone is bitchy and angry and already giving up on making the new year a good one. It's only February 1st. The year is not horrible. Perhaps slow to start but it's WINTER. I am still hanging on to my belief that this will be a spectacular year. I know it will. I am going to make it as such.

New year so far...

2011-01-30T19:14:00.000-05:00

So far things have been uneventful. I did buy myself a nice new foam mattress this January and it's been heavenly to sleep on. I have an overnight trip planned for the Feb holiday weekend and possibly a trip for the summer. That will be something new and out of my comfort zone.

Last two weeks have been pretty busy with baking...yes, baking. I baked a cake for a friend's shower and then this week I baked cupcakes for a bake sale tomorrow benefiting breast cancer awareness.

They're all kinds of sweetness and good. Some turned out well and some not so well. I'm kind of proud of the since I don't normally do this kind of thing.

Lately my thoughts are turned towards getting my house in shape. I can't wait until it gets a little
warmer so that I can start clearing all the deadfall and making the yard look decent. I also want to organize my garage and keep on pitching.

Happy New Year!

2011-01-02T23:07:00.000-05:00

I love the new year. The feeling of hope and excitement. I went to a party (Lila's) for NYE with Sean and Amanda. It was a good time and I was glad to have some place to be for the midnight hoopla. I don't think I've gone anywhere since Mike and I divorced. The day started out fabulously warm and sunny. I had brunch with my sisters, Aunt Geri, cousin Colleen and her teen children, whom I've never met and cousin Gail whom I've only met a few times. We had a good time talking and laughing as is usual.

On New Year's day I fixed myself some pork loin, collard greens and black eyed peas for good luck. I opened up the windows and clapped around my house to disperse all the stagnant energy from 2010. And I swear it felt so much better. I packed up 2 huge boxes of books that I will sell to half price books. My book shelves and counter look good right now. I am thinking of selling some things on Craig's list...some collectible dolls and I don't know what else right now.

Today I spent the day piddling around. Went to school to get ready for tomorrow. I am glad to be getting back to a routine. I thrive on routine and normalcy.

Shelf before it was cleaned

black eyed peas and collard greens for good luck

a beautiful sunset on New Year's day captured with my cell phone

This is my shelf unit after clean up

Everything is all cleared away...

2010-12-28T00:35:00.000-05:00

I'm ready to get the house in shape for a new year and new begining.

I looked around for a new house. I've decided if I have to settle (and with my budget, I would have to settle) then I may as well settle here. I will continue to make this house mine. I like having freedom more than I like having an uppity house. I want the freedom from worry, the freedom to go on a vacation if I want, the freedom to go on adventures around here, the freedom to buy a truck and a kayak if I want, the freedom to be able to build a nest egg...the freedom to be able to buy frivolous things like a jacuzzi. I'm doing it.

some photos from Holiday season 2010

2010-12-18T20:51:00.000-05:00

Lookit what I found...How beautiful!

2010-11-30T22:01:00.000-05:00

I had gone into the Party Town store to find some of those little containers people use to make jello shots. I use those containers with lids for paints at school. I spied these as I was looking around and I had to have them. There were four there but they were 20 bucks each. More than I usually spend on a wine. One is a Riesling. Not a huge fan of white wines but I do tend to like either a Riesling or a chablis or pinot grigio (spelling?). I don't like Chardonay. The other wine, below, is a Grenache. I am not familiar with that. I hope it isn't a sweet wine but like I said, I was more interested in the art on the bottles than the wine itself.

I do like wine. I usually drink a Cabernet or Merlot. A Shiraz sometimes. Really, any of the reds will do for the most part. I want to expand my tastes. I know mom and Nick used to always drink Chianti or some type of Burgandy. It's been a long time since I had Chianti. Maybe I will pick it up again and see if my tastes had changed. I remember I didn't care for it too much in my younger years.

The artists name is James Jean. http://www.jamesjean.com/

I hope the wine is as good as the art looks.

The years that have passed

2010-11-11T22:37:00.000-05:00

Measured in eras
Before parents were gone
After parents were gone
Before I was married
While I was married
After I divorced

My life has been more eventful within the last three years than it had almost ever been.

It's only been three years.
since I stopped smoking
since I divorced

It's been 4 years already
since mom died
since mike left

It's been 8 years since bio-dad died

It's been 9 years since I met bio-dad

It's been 17 years since Nick died

It's been forever ago for so many things that happened just yesterday.

A wonderful evening...

2010-09-07T23:39:00.000-04:00

Being a kid
playing on a play ground
eating ice cream
finding joy in a container of brazil nuts
Sharing a sweet hug and a kiss, oblivious to our surroundings.

Remembering...

2010-09-06T18:18:00.002-04:00

I remember when I used to wish so hard it hurt...that I would turn into my street and see your car in our driveway.

I remember when I woke up everyday hoping it was all just a really bad dream.

I remember hating you for leaving.

I remember so little of our life together.

I remember the last few years feeling proud, happy, triumphant and strong.

I remember what life was like before you.

I remember me.

Love...

2010-09-05T22:02:00.004-04:00

Today I love music by over the rhine.
Today I love the clear blue skies and warm sunshine on the lake
Today I love the cooler temperatures easing their way in. Summer's not done yet though.
Today I love spending time with friends.
Today I love my house.
Today I love my life.
Today I love.

Reviving birds...

2010-08-07T15:11:00.002-04:00

Today I watched the cats sitting at the window, tails twitching back and forth in unison. The sparrows were feeding frantically at whatever weed seeds are in the front yard and as happens every year, one hit the window. I looked out to see the dusty brown body lying on it's back as it flopped once and went still. I trudged myself out to get it, fully expecting to be wrapping it up in paper towels and a plastic bag for the garbage but as I picked the bird up, head and body limp, I noticed he was blinking. I sat him on his belly in my hand and his feet seemed to slightly grasp on but he kept his head turned to the side and limp. I figured I would hold him and keep him warm until he passed on as it was semi cool this early afternoon. I looked for a spot in the back yard to lay him down comfortably and away from any hawks or cats. I noticed when I turned back and forth, his head would move as if he was focusing on something so I opened my hand a bit more (I wasn't holding him very tightly anyway) and petted him for a few minutes as his head began to raise up. Finally, he gathered his wits about him and he flew off into the tall ornamental grass across the yard and looked at me for a minute. He was fine, with an adventure to tell.

moments of clarity...

2010-08-04T22:31:00.002-04:00

In moments of clarity I realise:

I would not go back and change the outcome.

I am still charmed.

I am happy.

So I will keep you around a little longer...

2010-08-02T22:29:00.003-04:00

The summer is winding down and even though I am begining to feel the sadness of the end, I have to take the time to be grateful for such an adventurous summer. I can't remember a time when I was so free and brave to do such things as ziplining, kayaking, going out with people that I didn't know well and putting out an effort to make new friends. There was a time in my 20s where I was starting to experience this kind of confidence and growth but it went away shortly after being married. I'm proud of the things I've done this summer and the person I am becoming.

What I have accomplished this year....

2009-12-27T17:22:00.002-05:00

1. New bedroom set
2. New dishwasher
3. New computer, that I set up myself.
4. New TV
5. Hysterectomy (not sure if it was really a goal but I've taken charge of my health)
6. Got the window in front fixed.
7. New tires
8. video camera
9. Got rid of the exercise machine
10. Digital cable
11. Finally got the paperwork changed over at work to reflect my divorced status.

Lots of those goals are superficial. They were goals, of course, but not things that I really had to put a lot of thought into and some of them, like the TV, dishwasher, and my hysterectomy were not really goals that I had set out for, but were done out of necessity. I kind of sucked at the goal making this year and in September, I completey forgot to take inventory of what I really did want to accomplish, and then cram it into a few short months.

I do have some goals for this year. THey're small and manageable.
1. Save 300. per pay check
2. pay off all loans
3. reduce spending
4. Exercise at least 4 times a week once I get the ok from the doctor.
5. lose 20 pounds by June.
6. finish some of the simple home projects.
7. Keep in better contact with friends and family...Be a better friend/sister/etc,.

I have to admit it....

2009-08-30T21:00:00.002-04:00

I have fallen in love with the colour blue again. Prussian blue has long been a favourite but I have always had an aversion to Royal blue, UK blue, and baby blue. Lately I like lighter shades such as a steely grey blue...cadet blue in a box of crayons. Perwinkle...more of a purplish blue, cornflower, and sometimes a greyed down aqua blue, very light. Accented with cream and white it is very peaceful, calm and soothing. In Lexington I saw several adorable light aqua houses that are etched in my mind. They were unique houses in their own right, but all the more unique because of their sweet colours. If I ever go back, I will be sure to take a camera.

15 things that bring joy

2009-02-11T22:11:00.003-05:00

1. Knee sox
2. mom's fruit cake that one day I will try to replicate.
3. Smart kids
4. unconditional love
5. The way my animals trust me (see #4)
6. Sunlight in all of it's forms...morning, high noon, and the warm glow of the setting.
7. Beautiful music
8. Beautiful art
9. dancing, either watching or doing, but not watching myself do.
10. a brand new box of crayons
11. Long drives in the country
12. that first taste of the finest chocolate.
13. March 17
14. Water..in a pool, in a stream, in an ocean, in a river, in a lake and even in a tub.

2009-02-02T18:28:00.000-05:00

snow day...

2009-01-26T19:20:00.002-05:00

Today we were off school and it looks as if we will be tomorrow too. I went ahead and put Josephina down today. She's burried in the back yard. It was more difficult to lose her than it was any of my other rats (except Rudy). She was more personable and rudy became less interactive when he began living with his woman rat LOL so she was a little more special. She used to play fetch when sitting in my old office with my legs proped up on the desk. She'd run down to get a small paper wad and crawl back up toward my hand til I threw it. She was independant and not afraid of the cats, but they were a little taken aback by her. I have elenore still.. The little one eared rat that I adopted in Sept. She's sweet and special too. Not as smart and comfy as Josie but sweet just the same.

I miss Josie and feel a little sad. I think I just have the winter blues in general. My fridge is stocked, my house is warm, and I have everything I need for teh next few days if we do indeed, get snowed in. Would be nicer to have someone else here with me, but that will be someday too. For now, I am still just enjoying the because I can time.

The new year so far...

2009-01-17T15:05:00.001-05:00

Things have been going well. I feel happier and more peaceful than I have since 2004 when mom was first diagnosed with cancer. I feel a Renaissance period in my life. The best it truely yet to come.

Some pictures of my new furniture...

2009-01-17T15:01:00.001-05:00

Farewell....

2009-01-01T19:11:00.003-05:00

Goodbye to the old sectional. I got on Craig's list yesterday and advertised it for free and within minutes I had someone email me. Seriously, it was less than five minutes. She had it picked up today. As much as I hated having that sectional in my rectangular and oddly laid out living room, I was kind of sad to see it go. It belonged to mom and Nick and it's been in this house about 18 years. I kind of liked it when they got it but even then I remember thinking damn this thing is big and not really practical as you have to put it all the way to the back wall or if you move it up, it cuts the room in half with very little space to get around it. I love my mom of course, but sometimes she had the crappiest taste in furniture. Or maybe it was good taste but just outdated. I dunno. I did keep pictures of the sofa and I had taken pics of the room a few years ago too so I do have it to remember. I am excited about having my own stuff. Me, in the era of my mid life finally get to do what i want and have what I want.

And in 12 minutes....

2008-12-31T23:47:00.004-05:00

It will be 2009 (or maybe by the time I write this it will already be). I am very much ready for the new year.

The last few years recap...
2002 Dad died
2004 mom diagnosed with Cancer
2005 not much going on, just coping
2006 Mom died, Mike left.
2007 Summer drought, Mike divorced me, Derek nearly died, Julie moved away, bought my house .
2008 Not too bad. Not bad at all. Lots of home improvements and personal gains emotionally.
2009...I am even more ready!

Welcome, and to everyone else, HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

How odd...

2008-12-31T01:09:00.003-05:00

I went out today and finally bought some new furniture. Earlier this year (in the summer) I found a couch that I really liked but didn't buy it then. I went to the same store (different location) and saw it again on clearance so I bought it plus two end tables, a cocktail table and a chair and ottomon. It will be delivered on the 3rd. anyway, I just now read my horoscope for today which I now realise is tomorrow (is it really 1:12 am?) and this is what it says...

Today's Gemini Horoscope:Dec 31, 2008
Today you and the other members of your household might discuss the possibility of making some changes, dear Gemini. This might involve some redecorating, remodeling, or even something as mundane as a thorough cleaning. However, it could also involve the possibility of making a move to a different place. The need for change in your surroundings is apparent, so don't hesitate. Initiate the first steps!

So, I suppose the stars were all lined correctly for me to get my perfect sofa and furniture. seriously, I looked all over for a sofa that I liked and found none that I liked as well as this.

Traditions...

2008-12-28T21:56:00.004-05:00

Today I took down my tree and while in the process, I dragged up all the Christmas stuff that was downstairs in the basement. I threw a lot of ornaments away that I didn't like and that did not reflect me and I found a lot of ornaments that I'd long forgotten about. Last year, 2007, was the year that I took Christmas back. I put up the big tree, strung the lights, but barely put any ornaments on it because of the cats (which blackie did find her way right into the middle of the tree).

Last year was a start but it didn't become a tradition. It was more of an attempt but not really sure where to go with it. I took the tree down two days after Christmas, I think, because it was important to get it down and get the new year started.

This year I had bought a small tree and I decorated it nicely but it did not hold all those favourite sentimental ornaments that I like (but didn't know that I had anyway). When I was going through all the ornaments, I did it in silence. So many were wrapped in yellowed newspapers and kept in old shopping boxes labeled Pogues and LS Ayers, which later became Hesses and then it was gone. One of them even had Happy Birthday Mom, from Roxanne and Kissy. I kind of felt bad for throwing them away but really, an old box that I have only seen maybe 4 times in the last 15 years? It's time to let it go. It is not like I am going to forget the names of my family and what is so great about remembering old stores that are long gone? Nostalgia I suppose. Just like the kids today love to shop at Abercrombie et al... When they get ot be my age, it will be something new. Maybe the Florence Mall, which was such a big deal when I was small, will be bulldosed over like the McAlpin's mall was. Some new concept to take it's place.

Anyway, back on topic. New tradition...Putting the tree up around the first week of Dec. and taking it down two-three days later (definitely by the 30th though). Brunch at Denice's, Going down to P. Park with the siblings to see their dad. I had fun and it was nice to feel included. Going through the ornaments and reassessing what I want to keep (because I know there were some that were boarderline). This Christmas was different than last year because I enjoyed it more fully as a single woman who was able to do what she wanted, when she wanted it and make her own way. It makes me feel both proud and secure to have that piece/peace.

Movies and thoughts...

2008-12-22T19:15:00.003-05:00

Last night I watched the movie, The Women. The movie was about a woman (Meg Ryan) whose husband had an affair with Eva Mendez's character (who wouldn't?). Meg's closest friends knew about it before she did but Meg did, soon after, find out on her own. The movie was about betrayal. Betrayal between spouses, betrayal between friends, family, and most of all the betrayal to yourself. In the end, all bonds are in the state of repair and the divorce papers are never signed. Through out the whole movie, not one man is shown. Not her husband, not her best friend's male coworkers or her friend's husbands...none. The only male shown was at the end when her eternally pregant friend finally gives birth to the son she had been wanting in that complete cliche that the birth of a baby is hope born and fresh starts and yaddah yaddah, yaddah. So lame of an ending, but the movie was ok.

Anyway, people kept trying to get Meg to find where she was culpable in the destruction of the marriage. She was in denial saying she wasn't culpable, she was the perfect wife etc. The deeper meaning of this movie was that yes, she was the supportive wife, the good mother, the home maker and commitee person to this that and the other cause, but she was not true to her. That was her culpability. She couldn't be a good anything because she wasn't good to herself.

It hit home. For the last two years I wanted to deny any part I had in my failed marriage. After all, I was the supportive wife who basically put him through law school, stood behind him when he decided to quit his regular job and try the stock market and then write a book. I thought I praised him enough when he did things around the house.... I did all that. But, I did not do any of those things for myself. I even put aside grieving for my mother so that I didn't disturb him.

Even my friendship with Julie became tainted with sadness and disappointments. I wonder how many other people saw this passive and apathetic person.

One of the things that Meg did in the movie was make a vision board. It was labeled What do I want? She would add drawings to it, pictures, words, etc. A friend of mine brought in a book about making vision boards so I was somewhat familiar with what they were. It has to do with the laws of attractions which the book The Secret is based on. I have been wanting to make a vision board for a while but haven't gotten around to it. I am inspired to do my own *What do I want?* vision board. It seems that is a good jumping off point.

Which leads me to this...

Creativity. That is what I want. I have forgotten how to be and at one time that was such a joy in my life. I want that back. I found this... 21 ways to be more creative. Another starting off point. :)
http://christinekane.com/blog/21-ways-to-be-more-creative/#comment-200703

2008-11-23T22:25:00.002-05:00

My Venus fly trap is looking good despite not having a meal. I am sure it will be happy this summer when I put it on the patio.

Today I took some pale green paint and painted the inside of the closet in the entry way. I also painted half the hall way leading to the kitchen. It is a very pretty colour and it makes me feel happy when I open the closet door. It is almost white. I am thinking the kitchen would be pretty in a colour like that. Maybe a little darker or maybe that value of a yellow. I am tired of tan and the tan that i picked out a few years ago really has more of a pink or peach tint to it. I don't like it. I was afraid to go yellow but I think I would like either that or a green tint better than this near flesh tint. I am actually hating it. I didn't like it when it went on and I still don't like it. The colour in the kitchen wasn't too bad but now I feel the same about it. Anyway, I got to thinking about how making the inside of something look beautiful and not neglecting seeimingly insignificant things of the house is a great metaphor for my life. I want to create a beautiful inside where it is peaceful, organised, and loved. I really do believe those things will radiate outward and I need to start making those changes.

I learned how to use a flashdrive last week. Shuddup. It was exciting for me because i put all these pictures on the computer and it is running slow as hell. CDs don't seem to hold much and these little things are just amazing! Why yes, I am easily pleased and excited.

Goals this week
1. Practice patience

2. Meet challenges with enthusiasm and positive attitudes. (IOW, keep my joy and don't let anyone try steal it).

3. Don't complain about things when others have so much worse.

A gloomy day...

2008-11-09T16:43:00.004-05:00

I did what was on my list for today(or I am sill doing it). I have my car in the garage and laundry is almost finished. I went to the grocery store and bought more food that can be frozen. My freezer is full of skillet meals, frozen veggies, and the pantry has canned foods. The refrigerator is relatively bare but I am ready for snow days LOL.

I feel terrible today, just sad about nothing. Overwhelmed again by stupid stuff (literally STUFF). I should have had that garage sale this past summer. Why do I wait until now to get energized? Well, I know I don't have the pool and sunshine to distract me. It is a cloudy day. A quiet day. I swear the holiday blues are already upon me. I feel like I should be out doing something celebratory and I am distracted from the things that I need to do. Josephina, my rat, is having a harder time getting around. Her poor coat looks ragged and she has a fairly large growth (tumour) on her stomach. I know she won't be with me much longer and she has been by far my favourite (a second Rudy). I have elenor who I like a lot, but seriously, when she is gone (in 2010 ish) I swear I will not have another pet rat. I will do everything in my power to resist the urge of taking one home. Or any pet for that matter. I love them all, but sometimes I wish I had no one else to take care of. Plus, it is just so sad to lose them. Hell, I feel bad enough when I have a plant or a tree that has died.

I have a ficus tree that was given to my mom when Nick died. Then there is the cactus I got when my bio-dad died (it looks like hell), and the cactus that I bought last spring which also looks like hell. I bought a venus fly trap at the Kroger store last week. It's pretty cool, but there are no bugs for it. Will it survive? It says it needs 35-45 degree weather from Nov.- Feb. and bright but filtered light. Where am I going to put it so that it is that cool but gets that light? I suppose I could try and put it in the basement window sill but it will still be too warm down there. IT needs to be dormant. Maybe I can build a little green house for it outside?

pictures today

2008-11-02T19:20:00.002-05:00

Number 16, dreams and more...

2008-10-26T20:37:00.002-04:00

I haven't seen number 16 since we last went out and the woman answered his phone. Haven't even spoken to him.

I am corresponding with a guy on facebook that I had exchanged a few emails with on match before I had met Richard. As soon as I sent the first email I cursed myself. I don't know why I keep forcing myself to date when I don't even think I am all that interested in men anymore. I don't hate men. they're fine to have as friends but seriously, I just don't see the point of dating sometimes. That is until I have heavy furniture to move. I don't know why I never think about asking the boy next door to help me move some shit. I could give him 20 bucks to help me for 20 minutes and he'd think he won the lottery. And I don't have to call him back, praise him, or do any favours (eewww cuz that would make me a ped). I need to ask my neighbour to show me how to use the circular saw.

Sometimes I get lonely. But here's where the childfree issue comes up. I am so damn sick of having to rearrange my schedule or have a moment's notice because they suddenly don't have the kids. I totally understand the kid thing and that I have more flexibility but I hate that they get pissed off when the timing is off and I can't accommodate them. I hate that kids become an excuse for not calling to cancel a date...at all (JP, which is why you are gone). Oh and the drama with the mamas. GAH! All I want is to be just enough of a priority in the beginning to respect enough to meet half way. Otherwise what is the point?

Dreams. I dreamed of him but I can't even remember what it was. It was a couple of days ago and it was another of the sort that he wanted to get back together but I didn't. I remember feeling bad for him, not hateful. I will take it as a good thing but it still hurt. Those times I do get lonely I hate that I think of him living a happy life with her (though in all reality, it probably isn't anywhere near the relationship I would like to have). I know I idealise them being so happy together and starting a family. I picture them as little mushy commercials you see around the holidays from jewelry stores. I know he can be sweet and romantic in small ways. I know he's good in many ways, but I also know what he's like otherwise.

I also had weird dreams that had to do with monkeys and other stuff. Mom might have been in the weird dreams too.

Lastly. This week I am settling the estate, and I have my evaluation on Wed. After this week, things will be looking up.

2008-10-25T17:38:00.002-04:00

2008-10-19T11:52:00.005-04:00

Basement all dug out.
Flower bed in back before
Gravel added
Cemented over very smoothly (unlike the mess that Mike made). There is also the white vapor lock covering around the edge of the wall too. At this point they had sprayed down the walls because of the dust and all and the walls actually look cleaner than they have in years. COOL! Lots of work still needs to be done. Cleaning walls, and figuring out what to do with the floors. I am thinking peel and stick tiles might work. There are REALLY nice Options out there. They look like real wood or real stone. but a fraction of the cost. Good for a temporary fix (as in 10 years or so).

This is the flower bed after it has been dug up. The rocks and all that stuff has been over turned so it is one big dirty mess right now. The garage is all dusty and dirty, but I have managed to throw away a ton of stuff. I still have some big boards that need to be cut down and pitched. I am thinking I can use my circular saw on some of the tree branches that I have in my hard too and use those for fire wood. I am happy to have my basement done. It feels like a huge relief and weight off of my chest. It has been something that I wanted done forever and I have dreamed about having a nice useable space down there. Now I may have one. Of course, it remains to be seen, the first hard rain that we have. I think a huge relief too has been getting rid of all the *stuff*. I think having too much stuff is stressful. You know it is there requiring attention or at the very least it is taking up space and harbouring memories that may be too painful to remember but too painful to let go at the same time. The best thing to do, I think, is to let it go. It hurts for a moment (comparatively) but in the long run it is better than the prolonged hanging on.

Oh, I did manage to get the guys to pitch the lava rock for me. That was a HUGE relief because it was taking up 4 large trashcans and I didn't know what to do with them as I previously posted.

There is more and more that I want to do. It has been a very productive year with the home improvements so far.

2008-10-14T16:53:00.003-04:00

Tomorrow the basement should be finished. I will be glad. It hasn't been a huge disruption but still, it is people coming and going in the house. Today it looks like it is going to rain. I hope it doesn't because I don't have a window downstairs yet. Plus, there is still a giant hole in the back window well.

I saw number 16 last night. We went to the Pub for a very short time before he had to go pick up his son. He looked very sexy btw. While we were there, his phone went off and the lady who was sitting next to us told him his phone was going off (it was situated slightly behind him). She was an attractive blond in her thirties sitting with an attractive brunette. They were part of some large party of 35 people or so. Any way, it was Dan's son calling to come get him. We waited for the bill and his phone went off again (neither of us hearing it) The next thing you know, the brunette was handing him his phone AFTER SHE ANSWERED IT! Dan was pissed (rightfully so) and trying to figure out how he was going to explain this woman answering his phone. The kids still don't know he's dating and he said he was going to run a quick errand. Dan gave her the third degree and I don't even think the dumbass felt bad. The blonde who was with her appologized and offered to send Dan a bottle of wine (they were out of towners). I still can't understand what would possess someoen to answer someone else's phone!!

How funny...

2008-10-12T17:27:00.002-04:00

The last few days i have been busy tearing out the shelving units that were put up in the basement and scooping out as much Lava rock as i possibly can before Everdry comes tomorrow. I bought a circular saw yesterday so that I can cut up all the wood into smaller pieces. I am going to see if maybe I can ask the guys doing the basement if I can give them a few bucks to haul aways the four large garbage cans of lava rock. I don't know what I am going to do to get rid of those! I suppose i can put them back in the garden, but I really hate to do that. I HATE those things.

Anyway, here was my horoscope today...

Today's Gemini Horoscope:Oct 12, 2008
The desire to beautify your home in some way could hit you full force today, dear Gemini. Perhaps you're expecting visitors or house guests, and want to make a good impression. You could find yourself prowling through antique stores, looking for pictures or knickknacks. You might, however, set your sights on doing something that's a bit more ambitious than you originally planned. Enjoy yourself, but be careful! You don't want to tire yourself out.

I will post pictures of before and after someday. I just hope there IS an after.

Today...

2008-10-11T20:45:00.003-04:00

Was a beautiful day. It was warm, about 80 something. Unusual for this time of year. Not a cloud in the sky and I suppose it was the angle of the sun now but the sky was a beautiful cerulean blue. Everything looked glowing with the contrast of the orange and red leaves, as pitiful as they are this dry fall. They're not that brilliant. I spent the day driving up to Ohio to drop off some paper work for my sisters to finalize the estate settlement. I had put it off so long, not wanting to deal with it and not knowing how difficult it would be. Fear made me procrastinate but now that I am going to be charged 10.00 a day after thirty days, it kind of lit a fire under my feet. It really is quite simple. I have to stop being afraid of stuff and putting stuff off. Why do I do that? It is crippling, this weird anxiety of simple things that I have. I cope, I have gotten better, but it rears its ugly head sometimes.

The good part of all this is that I spent the day with Kayla (my niece) and we had a great time. We went to eat and then went to Pier One and compared styles. She and I share a brain on many things. She is all about all things sex. Completely boy crazy and i worry about that. She is me.

Cirque Du Soleil was good. Was it as good as Quidam? I don't know. Different. Some things were just amazing. The poles. OMG. fantastic. Everyone should see a Cirque show if they get the chance though. Well worth the price and hard to be disappointed. Soon I really want to see a show in Vegas or Fla. or anywhere.

Tomorrow....

2008-10-08T20:24:00.002-04:00

I go to cirque Du Soleil!!!!! Yay.

I am putting together a book of ideas for what I want to do with my house. It is all about colour and patterns and international flair. Think bohemian. Think Gypsie. Think eclectic old and new with lots of textures. It will be whimsical and happy and perhaps have even a little bit of tack with it. Sure, it is not going to pass the test of designed to sell and all those staging shows where everything is all neutral and boring, but that is ok. Paint is easy to fix if I ever need to or decide to move. Since it won't be for a long while, I may as well pack in my own personality and flair. I want everything to be pier one imports look. In fact, I got most of my inspiration pictures from their sales catalogues.

A gaggle of freaktopia happening today...

2008-09-29T16:21:00.003-04:00

First, a student gets called out of class twice. The second time she asks when I come back, can I talk to you? I say sure. She comes back and says to me, if I am acting strange in your room will you please let me know? So I probe a little more and ask what does she mean (I am thinking is she having seizures? Diabetes? What). So she tells me she may be pregnant. I am starting to lose count with my students. I think this is number 8 or 9 in the last two years. She hasn't had a test yet and she's going to the doctor's on friday. Her mom knows (no dad in the pic) and basically gave her an ultimatum...abort or go someplace else. I think it is probably just the shock of it all because I think she and her mom are pretty close. She is not going to abort and says if she has to she'll live with her boyfriend's family (I don't know who it is but that can't be the optimal situation). Anyhoo. The most heartbreaking part was she looked at me, started to cry and said I just didn't want you to think of me differently. :(

So, remember when Dan Quayle criticized the Murphy Brown show when she got pregnant and decided to keep her child and raise it as a single parent? You know, it was the downfall of family values and all that. I know that Juno came out way before Palin's daughter got pregnant but now that she is a celebrity and has paraded her daughter out in public why can't we criticize her and the way she has justified having just another lifestyle choice?

BC in schools. At the very least, condoms!!

Second. I get this damned email criticizing illegal immigrants, the banning of the 10 commandments, and stupid patriotic/tyranical BS. I will copy it down and then my reply...

Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country lately -- illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida ..... ..... not me -- I concentrate on solutions for the problems -- it's a win-win situation. * Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border. * Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levees. * Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.

Any other problems you would like for me to solve today?
Yes! Think about this:
1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments
COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone els e find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
THE CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq .... why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.
THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this -- you cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians ... it creates a hostile work environment.

Also, think about this ...

if you don't want to forward this for fear of offending someone -- YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM! It is time for America to speak up!

Yep, I passed it on!

Great! Now I am also going to pass it on without regard to who I offend. So I replied to all (as I am likened to do when I get these nasty emails telling me how I should believe....

I am not part of the problem… We can track cows because we have strict regulations on beef. People have rights and are not regulated like cattle. Should everyone who looks Mexican be targeted and interrogated to see if they are illegal? A better comparison would be why can’t we find Osama?

As for the 10 commandments, if it were only Don’t steal, don’t commit adultery, don’t kill people, and it was left generic without any religious overtones such as commandment one where it says,

"I am the LORD your God who brought you out of the land of Egypt, from the house of slavery. You shall have no other gods before Me..."

Or two where it says: Do not make an image or any likeness of what is in the heavens above

Or three: Do not swear falsely by the name of the LORD..."

Four…
Remember [zachor] the Sabbath day and keep it holy" (the version in Deuteronomy reads shamor, "observe")

Then I would agree with you. However, there is this thing called separation of church and state. Not only that, point the fingers to religious leaders. They steal, they adulterize (why yes, I did just make that word up), and Christianity, as with other religions, has used G_d to slaughter millions of innocent people throughout time. Regardless of what I believe, I like the separation. I support the rights of those who believe differently. I certainly wouldn’t be happy if the 10 commandments of Pastafarianism were implemented nor do I care to impose the majority rules on others. I like the all inclusiveness of the USA. I think that makes me even more of a “Patriotic Citizen”.

Because I believe differently and have the freedom to speak out does not mean I am part of the problem. It means I am an AMERICAN!!

There! I spoke up!

2008-09-28T19:55:00.007-04:00

I took this picture in June after we had a bit of rain. The drought hasn't been as bad as last year, but it is still bone dry. I hope it rains soon but not a down pour before I can get my basement waterproofed. The other pictures were taken at or about the same time. I love how bright the moon looks and how the street lamp casts a greenish glow.

My basement where it has leaked.

2008-09-22T19:54:00.002-04:00

Moving Forward
by Rainer Maria Rilke

The deep parts of my life pour onward, as if the river shores were opening
out. It seems that things are more like me now, That I can see farther into
paintings. I feel closer to what language can't reach. With my senses, as with
birds, I climb into the windy heaven, out of the oak, in the ponds broken off
from the sky my falling sinks, as if standing on fishes.

I stole this poem from another website. I liked it and wanted to remember it.

Two weeks in and the fog, the anxiety, the black dog is back.

The wind storm of 08...

2008-09-15T21:13:00.002-04:00

We had major gusts of wind but no rain, thunder or lightning. Lots of tree limbs down in the back and I spent most of today burining the mess (I am quite proud of the amount that I was able to clean up). I even cooked a can of soup on the fire since I had no "simple" foods that could be eaten without cooking. Thankfully I hardly had any food in the refrigerator anyway. The stuff in the freezer seems to be ok. Chicken was still cold, a few of the frozen dinners were thawed but still very cold. There was a little damage to the gable of the house, a small piece that was flapping. Number 16 came over today and he got up on the ladder and fixed it for me. It was scary. I had to get up high on the ladder to hand him something.

We lost power about noon yesterday and it came back on about 5:30 today. Everything was closed down. 90% of the tristate area was without and there are still about 500,000 customers that have no power. We're off school tomorrow too. Very good since I have a bunch of stuff to catch up on. I just finished vaccuming and mopping the floors but the wash has been on hold for the last couple of days. I am finishing that off right now. I would like to have some time to relax tomorrow. I am pretty beat today.

It's time...

2008-09-10T20:35:00.002-04:00

It is time for me to start taking my end of the year inventory, you know, since I don't make New Year's resoloutions. September always seems to be a good time to do that. It is like a push to see how much I can accomplish by year's end. What have I accomplished? Well, let's see...

By the end of October, the house improvements will include:
New washer and dryer
New lawn mower
new weed eater
Waterproofing the basement
Getting new gutters

By the end of October I will have been smoke free for a whole year.

By the end of November, I will have been divorced (and still surviving) a whole year.

By the end of December, I will have lived on my own for two years and I am starting to settle in quite nicely.

As of yesterday, I have been at my gym for a whole year and aside from the week that I had kidney stones, and the week that I had strep, I have been at the very least, once a week but most often at least 4 times a week. You'd never know it because instead of losing weight, I gained it. As much as I have been eating, I probably would weigh 250 or more if I hadn't been exercising. Sigh.

What I did not do this year....
I didn't travel. Well, i went to Bloomington Indiana but that is only 150 miles away. I am thinking of taking a drive down to the Caves. I have never been to the western half of my state. I know it isn't like real traveling but who knows, I might get all froggy and cross the border to Missouri. I just might. I need a long weekend for this though. In Oct. I have a long weekend but it is going to be taken up with water proofing. perhaps spring break.

2008-09-06T15:52:00.001-04:00

Today's Gemini Horoscope:Sep 06, 2008
If you feel you have been looking toward the past recently, dear Gemini, you have been doing it in order to liberate yourself from it. You may feel like revisiting your childhood or rekindling certain relationships with old friends. But the planets are making you a bit too romantic, and you will be disappointed by the reality of things. Looking backwards isn't really the best way to move toward the future. Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be!

My gutters...

2008-09-04T21:50:00.003-04:00

They look Fabu! I don't have a pic yet but I will post a before pic.

As you can see the gutters are white. The new ones are brown and I think it gives the house a more sophisticated look. More streamlined. I am thinking I am going to be in need of siding soon. If I do, I may go a more taupey colour. I didn't do any landscaping this year because all that is going to be torn all to pieces when they water proof the basement. I would like to eventually get a larger front stoop or maybe even a small porch. I also need some driveway repairs. That Rose of Sharon bush is overwhelming as is the burning bush. I will hate to be rid of the Rose bush because mom planted that. Truth is I never cared for those purplish flowers on it. They're not hideous or anything just I have seen some really pretty pale pink ones and I also like the white. I wouuld like to have a simplified landscape with pops of white. For colours, I can plant annuals (if they live).

When i start thinking about all the progress I have made on the house it makes me excited to do more. I have to pace myself.

Random thoughts.

2008-09-03T20:44:00.002-04:00

Toddlers remind me of drunks.

What makes leaves change? Is it lack of light or is it the temperature? The leaves seem to be changing now but not for lack of temp.

Why hast thou forsaken me? why did people speak like that and why don't we still? Who uses the word shall anymore. SHALL?? I bet that sounds really funny if you're stoned. Kinda like Penguin. Penguin sounds funny regardless. Ok, so I have this issue with words. I keep meaning to make a list because some are just normal words that aren't all that offensive but for some reason make me want to hurt people. Here is an incomplete list....

Panties
moist (especially with the above)
Nipple
Vagina Everytime I see the name Gina, I think of Vagina too.
Volvo
Vulva
Christmas (don't like the esses or the mus sound)
Sippie
pimple OMG, I realize it must be the ipple thing I don't like
ripple
Chunk
rigor

That is all I can think of now but I will add to it when they come to mind.

In other news. Palin. How about that situation? Teen daughter gets pregnant and is marrying the baby daddy. Not horrible and certainly not stone cast worthy, HOWEVER...Do you wonder about someone who supports and pushes policies for abstinence only even when it fails in her strong family values home? I sure do. They call this a blessing. People are saying how great it is that her daughter is showing "pro-life" values and Palin is such a trooper for carrying her pregnancy to term knowing she would have a baby with down's. Great for them. But they're not any more heroic than the woman who choses differently because she needs to make something of her life to get out of the hell she might be in. And really, aside from abortion, the main issue is PREVENTING pregnancy. Abstinence only programs DO NOT WORK! I know six girls and one boy who have all become parents in the last three years before they graduated from high school. Guess what KY schools teach? Yup. Abstinence only. Our rate of teen pregnancies is higher than the national average. What kind of future do many of these girls have? These weren't girls that were sluts. These werent' kids that were bad. Some of them were promising athletes, artistically gifted, and intelligent kids that had wonderful futures ahead of them. They could have escaped their less than perfect home lifes but now they've trippled the odds of never getting out of there. It angers me.

I am tired and grumpy. It is 9 oclock and I haven't been able to focus all day. Even though I went off on a quasi coherant tangent, I am going to go back to being random.

Open letter to....the person I am thinking of.... Sorry you are having a rough time right now. Don't get pissy with me because I have responsibilities and can't drop them for you. You're making me feel used and that is leading to problems.

To the other you that I am thinking of. Your boyfriend called you a stupid whore. I was honest and told you I could not understand or wrap my brain around that. Today you complained because our friend sorta questioned the sanity of letting him move in with you. You're insulted that we don't like him. Your insulted that she doesn't think you're thinking things through. You're mad that some people aren't expressing happiness for you. Today i told you that it will be a long time before i would be able to look at him the way I did before. You acted shocked and asked why. When I told you he called you a stupid whore you forgot???!!!!! You will get mad at me too. I understand that. I am sorry that I just can't fake enthusiasm for you. Go to your other younger unmarried girlfriends for that kind of drama and pats on the back. When you want reality FOR REAL, then you can talk to me about J again.

Did I mention i was tired and cranky? Good night.

No dishwasher, but....

2008-09-01T16:28:00.002-04:00

I did buy a new washer and dryer at Lowes. I got a pretty good deal I think.

Here is the washer and pedastal http://www.samsung.com/us/consumer/detail/detail.do?group=homeappliances&type=washersdryers&subtype=washers&model_cd=WF328AAW/XAA

and here is the dryer http://www.samsung.com/us/consumer/detail/detail.do?group=homeappliances&type=washersdryers&subtype=dryers&model_cd=DV338AEW/XAA

So, altogether I got the washer and dryer, two pedastals, a warranty, and delivery/haul away for 1500. and some change. Not bad. They guy gave me 175 off of the clearance price and the two pedestals for 50 dollars each.

I also adopted a special needs rat. I didn't want to but I figured noone would take her. Besides, it gives Josie a companion. I swear this will be my last one.

More home repairs..

2008-08-30T16:44:00.002-04:00

I have been meaning to call someone about my gutters. They're falling apart, I know they're clogged and when it rains I can hear the rain come down in sheets as if someone were dumping a bottomless bucket. The last straw was today as I came home from the store. I don't know how long it has been like this, but I noticed some part under the gutter had broken away and was precariously dangling there with wood exposed. Having wood exposed is pretty much an immediate repair necessity. So I looked in the phone book and met with a man who is the biggest spitter I have ever seen. Seriously. I was across the table from him while he was writing his contract and it reached all the way over. EEEEEEWWWW. Anyhoo, next wed. I am getting new gutters. Right now though, I need to go to Lowes and price some dishwashers. Mine is not working. I am glad I plan to be here a long time to enjoy the new shit I am putting in here.

Passive agressive bitchiness...

2008-08-23T19:27:00.003-04:00

I was supposed to be with number 16 tonight but I am feeling a little punk with ovulation hormonal issues so I called and cancelled. I told him I could barely walk because of the pain (which is true, but it doesn't last ALL day). My back hurts, I have a headache, and I haven't eaten all day. I feel weak and tired and right now fucking pissed off. I know that I will feel better if I eat something but damnit I am not going to. So, what does he do? He says ok, I am disappointed, but I understand and I hope you feel better. Why didn't he offer to come and make me chicken noodle soup or rub my feet or whatever? Just what I thought. You think you're not getting any sex so you just say ok, I will do something else. Fuck that shit.

I am going out. I think. Or I am going to bed. I dunno. I am even being passive agressive with myself. Yesterday i slept from 5-10 got up messed around a bit and then went back to bed about 1 and didn't get up until about 11. I should have gone to the pool today.

It's the end...

2008-08-17T21:58:00.002-04:00

The end of summer vacation. Last year I couldn't wait for the summer to end and to get back to having a routine. This year I am like a child again. Sad that my fun, relaxing, and beautiful summer is all but over. Tomorrow the kids come. I can barely muster the enthusiasm, but I know I will get it when I see them.

2008-08-17T17:39:00.001-04:00

Janer the wonder cat. She kind of blends into the background even though the couch cover is green. She always has a bluish tint to her.

My new favourite place...

2008-08-16T21:24:00.003-04:00

I went to the park down by the river again. It was a little later in the day than the last time I went and the day wasn't as clear as the last time but still, a good day nonetheless. What a beautiful summer it has been. I am sure this place will be just as beautiful in the fall as well. Maybe I will go back for all the seasons and take pictures of the changing landscape. It will be my project.

And so it begins past the peak of summer...

Quick update...

2008-08-13T19:45:00.002-04:00

Went to home depot to get a mower today because I can't go back to Lowe's after the crying fit I had at being overwhelmed and just plain old pissed off at seeing all the humongous mowers that wouldn't fit in my car. So I got one just like the old one but updated. It's red. I have decided that someone needs to start making female friendly mowers. Not even just female friendly but short people friendly. Smaller, lightweight, with all the nice gadgetry that the big ones have. It would be nice if they were pink, lavendar, sage, sunny golden yellow or purlescent. Perhaps you could have those kind of covers that you could trade out to match your visors when mowing. Afterall, more and more women are living single and buying their own homes. In fact, most of the women I know who are either single or divorced live in houses....with a lawn. I'm just sayin...

Anyhoo, I even assembled the bugger myself AND it had missing parts so that I had to go back to Home depot and get them out of another box(well, the manager did anway). I did it with no throwing things, No crying, and no swearing. And now, my back yard is BEEEEEAUTIFUL!!!! Plus, I have a manual (don't know what mike did with all the instructions for shit) and *I* can maintain it all on my own. I DON"T NEED ANYONE!! Power to THE KIKSTER!

LAWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-08-11T23:18:00.002-04:00

Today i bought a new weed eater. It is electric and I DON'T CARE! It is a lot lighter and easier to use than the heavy gas monster that Mike had bought (which is broke again and they don't make parts fo( it anymore). So, anyway, I weed ate (eated?) my front yard today and will do the back tomorrow. Not only that, but I also edged it as the grass was nearly growing across my sidewalk. I felt all proud and shit and mostly like yeah! I can do this yard stuff and do it well! I don't need mike and his stupid Lava rocks (I still curse you for that). The bad news though is that my mower will not start. I ran over the metal gas cap in the front yard back in June and it screwed up the mower. It worked for a little while but now it just won't start. I dunno. maybe I will check it again tomorrow. Perhaps it was just flooded or something weird. I need to get it checked and repaired anway. I will call someone tomorrow. if I have to drop it off somewhere I will see if I can borrow George's truck. I need to check up on him soon and make sure that damn dog of mom's is doing ok too.

Yesterday and today...

2008-08-10T18:06:00.003-04:00

Yesterday would have been my 11th anniversary. I don't know if I can even count that we made it to the 10th as we were separated and the whole Gina fiasco happened just weeks before. I went to a pig roast yesterday at the pool. It was a nice time, nothing fancy and nothing exciting but it sure beats being at home. Number 16 is out of town for the week.

Today I went for a long drive to old child hood haunts on route 8 by the river. I should not get nostalgic when I am hormonal, but what a perfect and beautiful day it was to do just that. I feel so peaceful...and tired... but not as tired as I had been. I did mention my thyroid medicines needed to be upped didn't I? They went from .88mcgs to 100mcg. I gained 10 lbs in two weeks.

Anyhoo, life is sweet.

Dear blogger buzzz....

2008-08-09T22:42:00.002-04:00

I am sick of seeing those creepy newborns every time I come to blog. Who, besides their friends and families care? They're not celeb babies, they aren't curing cancer, running for president, making cool crafts, or doing anything remotely interesting. The middle one staring right into the camera is really off putting. Diabolical. *shiver*

Funny video....

2008-08-07T22:38:00.003-04:00

An Engineer's Guide to Cats

Winding down...

2008-08-06T22:30:00.002-04:00

Tomorrow is the last day for the summer program I am doing at school and it is always the most grueling since I will be there from 7:30 am til 9:00 PM. I am ready for it to be over and at the same time, i am ready for the summer to be over too. It isn't that I am bored, oh no! It is just that I need routine to be productive. The only productive thing I have done this summer is make an appt. to have my basement waterproofed and that is going to happen in the fall. I did not paint or fix up the house in any way. I did not have my yard sale and pretty much gave up on decluttering once the pool opened up and once I started dating someone on a regular basis. I am ready to pull back on the reins there too. He'll either be there or not, but dude, I don't need to be spending every available day with him (but it is soooooooo nice.) Last week after the dinner for the summer program, I went to his house and he gave me a massage. On saturday he came up too the pool with me, then he fixed me dinner and then we went for a ride in the country to watch the deer. I need to start bringing a camera to places. So many photo ops missed.

I am still damn tired. I have an appt. with the doctor to go over my blood work. I will bet my thyroid meds need to be upped.

OMG! OMG! OMG!....

2008-08-05T17:36:00.003-04:00

I would love to have a dramatic reading of THIS from one of the profiles that showed up on my match. He's a smrat boy eh? And if you don't know what a dramatic reading is, check out this link.... http://youmakemetouchyourhandsforstupidreasons.ytmnd.com/ Turn up your speakers.

I am currently separated IM shier that's holding some of you back
understandably. I have been separated for 8 month’s and IM tying not to force
the divorce at this time I can go into more detail if you are interested. Really
IV felt alone for a few years now. IM not good at bragging I guess I consider it
arrogant witch buy the way is probably what I dislike most in people. But they
say to a lital so hear it goes. I am honest trust worthy and loyal very down to
earth what you se is what you get I always try to do the right thing even when
it heart’s I was raised on a farm to work hard long hours and never quit. Well I
still work hard seldom quit and not quite so many hours. I am self-employ in the
tool and die company I started I have built a successful business. Built my own
log house Built countless other machines and inventions and wood working
projects to say the least I like working with my hands. I enjoy the feeling of
accomplishment and satisfaction IM pretty mush building something all the time.
I have a wonderful daughter enjoy the time I spend with her. I enjoy travel a
lot of it on a Harley. Also spend most of the summer or at least the weekends At
a near buy lake on a 35 foot cabin cruiser IM kind of a quiet type it takes
awhile get to now me. I want to take more time off work now for fun and travel
IM 5 foot 5 165 lb. IM in beater shape then most I workout 3 – 4 times a week
jogging , tread mill and lifting weights . What I would want in a woman is the
same religious beliefs someone ho is willing to Work for the common goals ,
interests, work ethics, Decisive willing to make disions but not all I would
like a woman how is self-motivated hard working willing to do what it takes in
baseness and relationships. That enjoys travel and that is established enough to
travel. Likes the outdoors She would enjoy motorcycle trips, boating, living
abroad a boat in the summer she need to get along with others well, Some one how
likes organization and planing. She should be affectionate and not afraid to
show it. Some one to shear life and laftier with. No smokers no shop alcoholics
no control freaks no manipulators, no I wont you to day then not the next. I
have been down that road to many times. I would love someone ho would enjoy
helping me with Projects wood working boat maintenance yard work gardening a
woman who can se what needs to be don and dos it. I now it’s a long shot but a
woman that is mechanically minded would be perfect. Good communication is
essential

It is a small world....

2008-08-02T21:43:00.001-04:00

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25988549/?GT1=43001

Interesting article.

Words like Us and We...

2008-07-28T20:16:00.003-04:00

Those words are so loaded.

It has taken me nearly 15 months to stop saying We, Our, etc. when refering to my lifestyle and MY house. Not only because i shared this house with my ex-husband, but because i also grew up here and have the Our and We of my mom and dad. I suppose I am still safe in saying we and our and us since I share with cats and rat. Still, I get both horrified and enamoured when I hear those words being used by 16. For example, I got a text from him and I texted back saying I was at BBand B. He writes back, oh, buy us something. I quickly responded that i had found a Man Groomer http://www.mangroomer.com/Default.aspx even though he doesn't have a hairy back. I am hearing a lot of We(s) in the future tense as well. We're going to do.....We'll do this in October....blah blah blah. Oh yeah? I try to remain positive and think well yeah! Why can't I be a we or an us or have an our again? I am just as deserving as anyone else and lots of men don't do the rebound thing. I mean look at Mike. He's shacked right up with his first significant other after our split. Though he was the dumper so maybe his ego doesn't need as much repairing as 16's. Mine is pretty much repaired with a few cracks here and there that leak occasionally.

bah...

2008-07-28T00:59:00.002-04:00

So I jumped the gun on 16. Everything is all peachy again. Goob.

Number 15 emailed me today. He thinks just because I got back on match that i am available again. I let him know that I am not. I could hear the whining and bitterness in his response. Eh, it probably wasn't really there but for some reason the poor guy began to grate on my nerves really bad. And I feel bad for this still, which makes it all the more unpleasant. Wish he'd just not contact me or maybe I need to step it up on the bitch factor. I envy those women who are not afraid to be a bitch. That word still sits uncomfortable on my tongue and in my mind. Ok, it is 105am and I have to work tomorrow. First day at school for the summer program. I am tired and prolly not making much sense.

and random randingoes...
I love you
I miss you
and I have a cat kneading my ass right now...with claws. OUCH!

Jersey boy..

2008-07-24T19:02:00.003-04:00

AKA Traveling dude, called today. I was relieved to hear from him since I felt so bad ditching him. Seems he is ok with an open relationship...but I am not. I don't get how polygamists do it. It is just way too much work and I can only date one person at a time. Well, that and of course you get labeled a slut.

HEY ASSHOLE...

2008-07-24T12:42:00.004-04:00

I am going to start an ASSHOLE file. Just cuz.

Hey ASSHOLE!

When you see me waiting to pull into the empty spot next to your SUV, that is NOT the time to start goo gooing to your child in their car seat. Do that shit at home, I am not sitting in my car watchin you all dewey eyed and going aaaaaawwwweeeee. So don't look up at me and smile as if you've just brightened my day with sunshine, rainbows and puppies. Get the FUCK out of my way!

HEY ASSHOLE!

or this could be a HEY DUMBASS post... When you have tinted windows, you probably love them because you can pick your nose in private, scratch your balls, grab your GF's boob etc. Well, please remember that when we're at a stop sign and you decide to be nice and wave the motourist on ahead of you. WE CAN'T SEE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In other related asshole news...Ok, he might not be an asshole, but he's a guy and right now, they're all assholes...

I think number 16 is flaking out. He got into some huge fight with his STBX over the last few days and he is shutting down. I know what this means. It means....

I need to get my head straight
I need to find myself
I need some distance
I need some time

Yadda yadda, yaddah! insert whatever flakey cliche' people say when they start getting all fucked up and dramatic.

And so the criteria list grows. Normally I don't date separated people. They must be divorced already but I let my guard down on this one. Separated people are fucked in the head and you certainly don't want to be their first after divorce. I know this cuz I was there.

I want drama free. No drama with the exes. No drama with the kids. No drama PERIOD. Drama is only good to watch on Judge Judy because it makes you feel better about your life and how you are glad you're really not missing out on anything.

I know I jinxed myself because I told someone (irl) about how great the sex was. But it was damnit. I know I should not think negatively, but I have just seen this happen one too many times. We'll see if 17 will be around the corner. Whatever. I have things I have to do anyway and it doesn't include plans with others. I don't want to have to work at shit. Keep up or go away.

Songs I like...

2008-07-22T23:53:00.000-04:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7Fl2yWalH4 Into the Ocean

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JOpjdrK1GVc Boats and Birds

Anxiety

2008-07-22T16:27:00.003-04:00

Summer is feeling like it is over already. I know I still have a month to go really, but the summer program starts next week and then it will only be a matter of a few days until the grind starts again. Overall, this summer has been so much better than last year. On monday, it will be Mike's birthday. It was last year at this time that the shit hit the fan when Gina answered his phone. That day he was supposed to have been with me and we were supposed to have been working on our marriage. I haven't seen him since Dec. 29th when he came to get the last of his things. On the 27th it will be 8 months since our divorce was final and it will be nine months since I stopped smoking. It has been 24 months since mom died and 19 months since Mike left. God I feel like I have aged so much since. Mom's death doesn't seem that long ago but the Mike years seem so far away. YEs, it still hurts but I will say it hurts much less when you have some other guy distraction. Number 16 and I are still seeing each other. We've been together almost every night since our first meeting on the 5th of July. I don't know what will happen, but for now, we seem to enjoy each other enough. The sex is phenominal. That is all I will say on that, but OMG, it is.

In other news, Sunday, my sisters came over and we had brunch at First Watch. Later we went shopping and really had a good time trying on clothes and basically being silly. My sister bought me an adorable shirt that is very flattering, fem, and dressy (for belated birthday). after they left, I went to the pool for about an hour. I love going to this pool because I don't feel like I have to stay there forever to get my money's worth (I don't pay extra for it and I would be at the gym anyway even if there wasn't this great outdoor pool). I was only there for an hour and it started to cloud up so I went home, felt very tired and went to sleep. About 7 PM, the house felt as if it was shaking and I woke up. I went downstairs and wind was going crazy. The sirens went off just as I turned on the TV so I gathered the cats and rat put them downstairs. I went back to the TV to see what appeared tobe funnel clouds and decided to join my pets. It was pretty scary, but about 10 minutes later it pretty much passed. I need to get a kit prepared for downstairs.

Traveling dude...

2008-07-16T15:59:00.002-04:00

Traveling dude with all the baby mamas called today. I broke it off with him. Not that there was much to break off since we have only seen each other twice and talked on the phone for a handful of times. I did like him, I really did but distance does not make the heart grow fonder. Not THAT much distance. And so it goes. I feel bad now. I have to remember that post secret post about good byes... I look forward to good byes and starting over...fresh....something like that.

Goodbyes make me sad though. It doesn't matter what kind it is. Good bye to the end of a book, the friendships, visitors that travel far to see you or you to them, lovers, those who have passed on, etc. Goodbyes are a loss. Temporary or permanent.

Ugh. Hormones...

2008-07-15T17:38:00.002-04:00

I am sitting here feeling blah and not even being able to figure out if I am happy or not. I am feeling flighty, nervous, jumpy, angry, weepy, etc. This is a reminder to myself that I am not crazy, I am not going crazy, that I go through this every fucking month and WHY CAN'T YOU RECOGNIZE THAT???? Oy. No, I take that back...If when a person questions their sanity, that is a sign that they are indeed, NOT crazy, then I must be temporarily insane every month (some worse than others) when I am in the midst of my whatever you wanna call it and I can't figure out what is wrong with me. I am lucky if I have a moment of clarity (like now) that I can talk myself down from the ledge of insanity, but many times I don't recognize the issue until it is too late. Come to think of it, I wonder if last year when I became insane with Mike, if I was in a "state".

I spent 200 bucks on a water heater today. If I were a guy, I probably would have been able to fix it myself. Yeah, shut up! I am the stereotypical girl when it comes to this kind of stuff. I get thrilled to death when I do anything remotely "manly" such as the yard work or filling my tank up with gas even. Isn't that a hoot considering when I was a kid I never felt fem.

DG..No longer distracted...

2008-07-13T23:53:00.004-04:00

So for now, I will call him subject number 16. Still going well even though he is out of town for a week.

I am craving a dirty gin martini with blue cheese stuffed olives...extra dirty. The Bone Fish makes a really good one. OMG. I need to find a friend to drag down there. I am tired. I spent the day at the pool again. The first time there was Thursday. Tomorrow I plan to go again, come back and do some stuff, then go back for weights and aqua-aerobics. Life is fucking GOOD right now...Even if I weren't hot and heavy with subject number 16,.

DG so far so good...

2008-07-09T16:31:00.002-04:00

We've seen each other three times since july 5th. Still going well. Really well.

The date 15 called the other day and I really didn't want to talk to him. Thank god I am dog sitting and used that as an excuse to get off the phone. He emailed me yesterday asking if I was having a better day (I was pissed because I keep getting calls for this debt collecting agency and they have the wrong person!!) So, I emailed him back today and let him know that I had met someone. I took a page from Out of state-thought he was my soul mate guy, and told him that correspondence would be awkward and I hoped he understood blah blah blah. See, it is good to get dumped because then you can use the lines that were used on you :D Well, at least I wasn't lying all teh way. 16 is still way too new to say monogamy, but it at least sounds fairly legit.

Gossip...

2008-07-06T18:41:00.003-04:00

http://msn.foxsports.com/mlb/story/8316254?MSNHPHCP&GT1=39002

I don't even follow this stuff, but I have heard about this Kabballah shit only in name and it's association with Madonna. I don't even know who this A-Rod person is nor do I really care, but the one sentence of all this trash, that stood out for me was this...

Cynthia has blamed Madonna for getting her husband hooked on the study of the ancient Jewish Zohar scripts, which followers claim have all the answers to the universe.
Kabbalah's 3 million worldwide followers believe that none of people's bad traits are a result of their parents.
Traditionalists, however, have slammed the "religion," arguing it's more of a cult, selling $3 bottles of spiritual water claimed to have miracle healing powers.

So I am sure all these trendiegh people who follow also possess all the answers to the universe. How interesting. How special. How typical egotistical Hollowood.

Distracted guy...

2008-07-06T16:25:00.002-04:00

Guess what? He makes date number 16. He called me late on July 4th and we talked. He's really easy to talk to. So last night, just before 10 I was trying to decide if I wanted to wash the stink of the day off of me and go to bed or call up a friend and go to The Pub when i got a text from DG (distracted guy). It read: guess where I am, The pub at the mall. So I called him and asked how long he was going to be there and he said I dunno, why. Well duh, so we can meet. So I told him I would be up in a half hour but warned him I had been working out and working in the yard so that I wouldn't be all that spectacular. So I wiped down with a wet cloth, took an iron to my hair because it had kinked up, threw on some make-up, jeans and a cute little red tee shirt. Not half bad. I got there in 18 minutes walked in and didn't see anyone who might resemble him at the bar. I figured he flaked and left or was in the RR. Out of the corner of my eye i see someone peaking around the table center piece and he kind of waved me over. There was a fairly immediate attraction that was really cool. At least, I am pretty sure he was attracted or he faked it well. We talked really easily, had some wine, drew pictures on napkins (I would have to draw a part then he would add on to it and so on). I thought he was into me because he was really close and kept a lot of physical contact, but I think he's just a really physical person because he put his arm around the server too. So, The Pub was closing and he suggested we go to another place that would be open for about another hour. So we did. It was a lot quieter and we really connected. He dropped me off at my car and I said, so do I get a hug? and he said oh, I want more than that....It was electric. ELECTRIC! So we talked about going to see the Bodies exhibit here soon. Ok, I just deleted all the stuff I wrote about how this will never work. I am going to stay positive and say that I really look forward to seeing him again.

Sickening feeling....

2008-07-04T16:36:00.004-04:00

Yeah, so date number 15 I have decided was a real WTF was I thinking kind of thing. Nice guy but there are things that I find completely incompatable. I know he is going to ask me why when I tell him I am not interested. Why do people ask that? Good god, I never want to know why someone isn't interested. I KNOW why. They're not physically attracted to me and that is OKAY!! But don't make someone say it. I don't want to tell someone I am not physically attracted to you. I don't want to hear it either, but it isn't a big deal. He's the type of person who is going to ask. I know he is. I also don't like that he sounds like Mr. Rogers, that he has a dog (and a yippee one) the way he walks (kind of slumped forward) and he has a smoker's laugh/cough. He is also shorter than I am, which I am effing short. OK, that is all nicely said. The truth is much harsher than that, and I feel a little guilty about it. There is a smell too. It isn't like body odour or cologne, but his smell is not comfortable. I don't know how to explain that one, and I know it makes me sound a little freaky, but I am very in-tune to a person's scent and I don't like his.

I hate that I want to be nice and not hurt someone's feelings. It is going to happen though.

Distracted guy called me (the day that I wrote that I didn't hear from him). He left a message on my cell phone which I never remember how to get and it takes me about a half hour to access it. I texted him back twice and he never responded. Today i had an email from him. It was from last night, wondering what I was doing at 11:45. WTF? I would like someone a little more interested in conversing or building a relationship or something other than feeling like a side thing to do when you're bored.

Whoa. guess I am feeling pissy on men eh?

2008-07-03T11:54:00.000-04:00

I forgive you.

How many will it take?

2008-07-02T17:53:00.002-04:00

I really just need to hang it up. what was I thinking last night? Something about it is better to be alone. Or at least that it far outweighs being involved with someone. What do you have to gain by being in a relationship?

Constant worry about disappointing someone
the pain of breakups
the disappointment of first dates
fighting
inequity in compromise

Oh foo foo on anyone reading this and saying that I am bitter or jaded, or sour graping etc. You're just up on a high time in your relationship.. I will never forget this chick who got really offended at Frank's 30th birthday party. I can't remember what i said but it was something to the effect of relationships aren't based on romance but lots of hard work or something like that. She was really mad and said that isn't true and stomed off. I wasn't even talking to her but she over heard my conversation (this was when i was happily married mind you). Anyway, she was marrying this boyfriend of hers that was there. They were all cuddly and fluffy with each other (gag). FFWD about 2-3 years and they were in the midst of a horribly bitter and nasty divorce. She looked like hell.

I never thought I would get divorced, but it was always in the back of my mind as a reality. I mean I guess I thought it would happen, but I wanted desperately to believe that we would beat the odds. I thought there might come a day but I didn't see it coming at all. No one goes into marriage thinking they will get divorced, but all should plan for it. If there ever is a next time, a pre-nup will most definitely be in order and they will never be able to get a hold of my savings.

Date number 15?

2008-07-01T14:54:00.003-04:00

Yeah, date number 15 tonight. We'll call him Ray. he's 52. That seems so old, but good god, it is only 12 years older than I am.

Distracted guy (who I developed a wild fantasy crush on based upon his pictures) never called again. We texted a few times, but he seems a bit flighty. He has a whiny kind of voice anyway which reminds me of one of the John guys I dated. That John reminded me of Conway Twitty and had weird breaks in his speech that made me keep thinking the phone went dead. He was also so incredibly messed up from his divorce. He was such a sweet guy, but just ooogey when it comes to thinking about....well, whatever.

So, distracted guy is not something I am counting on, but if he asks me for a date, I will consider it. He has freakishly large hands in his pictures, which I find strangely alluring? Must have big gloves eh?

2008-06-28T21:49:00.001-04:00

If you've been waking up every morning single and unattached, today you will be confronted with issues involving commitment. Indeed, events today could change your whole life, dear Gemini. If nothing else, you know that it's time to make necessary changes, and you are ready to put a plan into action. Sure, it's a bit scary, but you need this balance in your life. More...

Uh, yeah.

Drama and dreams...

2008-06-28T15:25:00.002-04:00

I have been staying up late because that is my natural bio-rhythm I believe, but last night as I was about to fall asleep, around 3 am my cell phone went off. It was my friend C. She had a fight with her boyfriend and it seemed things were a real mess. Thinking she was in danger of him coming over there I told her I would come to her house. She was a mess, and he kept calling her and degrading her, calling her a whore and all kinds of shit, telling her it is over, blah blah blah . So, we wind up going to pick up her car and she drives up to his house to "get her stuff" (esp. her asthma medicine). I call her today to find out how things went. Where is she? At his house all made up. Whoo. call me a whore, and you're done. It isn't just this incident. The man she loves is full of drama. Bad ex baby mama and C has a severe rescue complex I am begining to find out. She is completely blind and not thinking straight. she bugs me. I know in the near future it is going to be more of the same...insert eyeroll here. I don't need drama by proxy. Are there no positive intelligent people to surround myself with?

So, in my half sleep state hitting the snooze button until 12:30, I dreamed of mom. She was here visiting but from a time travel type of thing. When she left, I was not going to be able to follow. For some odd reason, she had knitted me some slippers and she was leaving (teleporting) through the refridgerator. When she was leaving I was crying and asking if she would be back soon. Either she wouldn't or couldn't answer. She had on a white robe and head-dress like mother Mary. She wasn't looking at me but she looked pained. She raised her hand slightly and then the door closed. In my dream Roxanne was in the other room. I was loudly sobbing and wailing. Roxanne asked why I was so sad and I told her that my friend had just lost her mother and I didn't want to lose mom. I thought for sure that when I woke I would have tears on my face. In the dream I could feel cool wetness on my cheeks. But my breathing was normal and no tears were there. Part of me didn't want to wake up.

colours...

2008-06-27T17:53:00.003-04:00

I may as well face it. I am attracted to bright green. So I bought a few samples of paint and I am having a hell of a time finding the right green. I want a pretty lime green but that can be so garish. The greens i picked out are too yellow though. Perhaps I don't really want green at all. Well, not as a solid. I know that faux painting is so 80s and early 90s, but I can't help it. I like the transparancy of the colours showing through each other. It is a lot of work to do the colour washing and glazing. I am looking at a painting that has yellow greens and blue greens mixed together. There are accents of purple and oranges and lots of swirling floral patterns. Perhaps one wall will have to be artistically tackled the same as my painting style.

Today I bought an MP3 player. Oh I am such a goober when it comes to technology. I didn't realize that I could play my CDs on my computer and transfer them onto the MP3 player. Yeah, I don't know why I didn't realize that. It truely is not rocket science, I know, but give an old gal a break. I figured out how to do this all on my own. Sure it was freaking easy, but I thought it was going to be some kind of huge magical mystery. I am proud of myself regardless. Baby stpes. Baby steps. Anyhoo, I am all downloading my favourite CDs so that I have music to walk to and music to work out to. The only problem is I know I am going to break out in a salsa esque, bustin' a funk move out on the sidewalk of the main thoroughfair. Either that, or I will start belting out some Joni Mitchell. Do you realize how bad that will sound? Noone can hear themselves sing with those things on and they ALWAYS sing out of tune, no matter how well they usually sing (to which I do not).

Nothing earth shattering...

2008-06-25T23:09:00.003-04:00

Sean came by today to pick up some kind of tree trimming thing that Mike had borrowed about tw0 years ago. It was awkward. We were talking and he said something about drinking smoking, and partying or whatever. I told him I quit smoking. He was surprised and said not that you probably care, but Mike smokes more than he ever did. I said that was a shame. I asked if he was married yet. Sean said no. I said I was surprised. Anyhoo, I didn't want to have a conversation about Mike. I did tell sean that if he sees him tell him that I think our father's flags were mixed up. If mike doesn't give a shit about it, neither do I. Truth be told, I really don't want to talk to Mike. So if I get no response, or if Sean acts as a mediator, then that would be great.

It stings a little, to run into his friends. They're moving across town so i won't be seeing them ever again anyway.

So, the distracted guy called. He was surprisingly pleasant to talk to and way smarter than his profile let on. He lives only about two miles away, but he is hardly home. What is up with me FINALLY making connections to some people that I like and they're on the road more times than they're home? Le Sigh! Whatever.

Today i found a snake as I went for my walk. I wanted to pick it up but my luck it would have been poisonous and bit me. I am sure it wasn't. It was tiny and didnt' seem agressive. Since he was close to the road, I got a stick and pushed him further towards the grassy area. Then I think he went into a storm drain. :( I hope he is ok down there and will be able to find a way to slither out.

Swimsuits...

2008-06-25T14:47:00.002-04:00

I hate them. Not for the reason of being fat (though that plays a small part of it) but because the bastards do not last and the athletic ones are too skimpy. I am not some mommy that sits on the side of the pool watching her little darlings swim. Could you please make a conservative but LASTING swimsuit that flatters those of us who are NOT athletes? Thank you.

Dating: So there was this guy who's made contact with me a few times and I wasn't really interested. Blame it on hormones or something but I became interested and began to respond. He said he'd call me, he never has. He said he's been "distracted". Hmmmm. That does not sound good. It is either one of two things (possibly three)...Serious ex problems (no thank you), He's met someone else and is seeing how that's going to go but he doesn't want to let go of any other possibilities in case that doesn't work out...Ugh. Sorry, I aint your Hollerbackup plan. That shit's bananas. Or he's in legal trouble...ain't touchin' that with a 100 foot pole.

So, another guy that I saw at the end of May called and we went out on Mon. He later came over here and we hung out. He was leaving on Tues to go back to the east coast as he lives both here and there. Yeah, that could either be the most perfect relationship or the worst. He's a smart guy though and that turns me on. I mean come on, doesn't everyone think words like bi-pedal and talks of the anatomy of a virus are sexy? No? Ok, so i am weird like that. Geeks turn me on. And he's not bad looking either. He's 48 but looks much younger. Lot's of red flags though including three children by three different ladies. Seems he likes to make babies but doesn't like to stick around. He isn't a dead beat but really, how much of a father can you be when your children are scattered in two different places? and he wants to have more children and have a "real family". Just what is a real family? Are those children not your 'real family"? I know he loves them. He talks about them a fair deal (not to the point of boredom though). I dunno. In the tween time and when I am bored, he'll do. As I think about a life with someone though, all I really want to do is physically RUN and run fast away from the sitch.

I am starting to run now. It is fun and does wonders for my mind and body. It releases some kind of seretonins or whatever happy shit chemical that is in your body. I see why people get addicted to it.

I am going to look for swim suits now. Then I will go work out, swim, come home and maybe run.

Today's horoscope...

2008-06-23T15:02:00.002-04:00

Today's Gemini Horoscope: Jun 23, 2008
Today you won't be able to spend a nice cozy day at home, but you probably were aware of that already, dear Gemini. Today's aspects bring a great deal of change into your life, including more openness to other people. Since you care so much about creating a nurturing home environment, why don't you think about sharing it with other people? Give a little bit of yourself, a little of your fantasy.

Cuz sharing my house with three cats and a rat doesn't count? Ok maybe it doesn't and I have been thinking about being a foster parent, but....Ok, I will at least wait until I get my basement waterproofed. Even though i have a nice sized house with two empty rooms and an empty bathroom, I just don't know about sharing my house with an actual person again. I really like being able to do what I want when i want and how loud I want.

In other news, check out this nasty email I got on match...

I must asume that you feel that you are to good for me or something. Or maybe you are just a rude bitch. Anyway, I am done on this site for losers on the 30th. You have till then to come to your senses or to rott with the scum on this site. I have thought so much more of you than this.TIM

Why yes Tim, I do feel I am too good for you and I really don't care that you think I am a rude bitch for *gasp* ignoring a wink. Oh good heavens! And do you REALLY think that I am going to "come to my senses" and now contact you? Good god. That little email speaks volumes about your character Tim...Insecure, childish, redneck, jerk. I have been ignored plenty of times on dating sites. Newsflash. You're not going to be everyone's cup of tea. Get over it. Grow a thicker skin ya pissy little bitch.

In addition to Babba wawa's philosophy...

2008-06-17T14:32:00.003-04:00

It may be scary for you to do anything risky for fear of conflict or failure, dear Gemini. Perhaps you have tried to become invisible in different situations so that you can slip through the cracks without being noticed. These defense mechanisms may serve you for a while, but acting from a basis of fear or guilt will never get you where you need to go in life. For you to achieve what you want, you need to act from a solid foundation of confidence, love, and faith. More...

odds and ends...

2008-06-17T13:20:00.002-04:00

I deleted a bunch of emails that I sent and recieved. It really stung but now they don't haunt me. Decluttering the mind, body, and soul.

Richard, you're gone. Wish you well, you ass.

First guy post divorce (John). I know you're around and I can get a hold of you any time. I did let go of all the sweet emails you sent pre your flaking out on me. You're such a turkey but I still like you.

Mike. I still have a few of your e-mails. I don't know why I haven't been able to let go of them yet. I don't even know you anymore and I don't think I would really like you much anyway. That is such a weird feeling considering you were my family for 10 years. Oh well. I still have your dad's flag. You've never gotten back to me about the flag switch. I really don't care. It is just a symbol. I will keep the flag I have, well and in good shape. It will remind me of Nick, and whatever becomes of the one you took (Nick's) I suppose it doesn't matter. It is all from the same cloth, so to speak. Oh, I dreamed of you last night. You wanted to say you were sorry and that you wanted to be friends. You had your hair cut in this ultra trendy style that was far too young for you. You looked desperate to be holding on to some kind of youthful persona but your eyes looked tired and haggard. You looked sad and lonely. I didn't feel bad for you but I also didn't feel joy in my dream either. I wouldn't want to be your friend. You don't know what that means. I do hope you're happy but I would really like for you to stay out of my head.

Barbara Walters...No, I didn't get email from her, I am switching gears. I saw her on Ellen today. I don't normally listen to her glurge but Ellen asked if there was anything she could have changed from her "tumultuous" life (my words not hers, but that is the sentiment that Babs book is portraying...Oh please!)...what would it be? Such a profound answer in it's simplicity, Babs answered that she would have tried to be happier or something like that. Basically saying she would have taken the time to be happy, to MAKE happiness, to LIVE a happier life. That is what I am going to do. I am not going to be passive about it.

Another weird dream...

2008-06-15T21:47:00.003-04:00

I was in a car and the weather was bad. A tornado came across my car and lifted me up, still in my car and crouching down. I didn't get lifted too far or high and landed unscathed. Somehow I managed to find myself at Christie's home but for some reason she was being an unbelieveable bitch and not letting me in or use her phone. I looked up into the sky which now had puffy cumulous cloud and blue sky but there were people in their cars sitting on top of the clouds. Some of them were getting out and I knew it would just be a matter of time before they fell through. How were they going to get down? Uh, never mind that I could actually SEE them as if they were only 30-40 feet away.

What is up with the weird dreams I wonder? I hardly ever dream and now it seems I dream fairly regularly. I suppose I will dream of dinosaurs or zombies tonight eh? Or will it be the stress dreams of missing that history class until finals week or losing my teeth...or the waitressing dream. Or maybe I will dream of my mom. I think I've jinxed myself now. I will probably combine all of them. Wouldn't that be a little odd.