I tried....

You know, I am sure it wasn't really THAT much of a tradition but I have these fond memories of Mike and I sitting on the stoop outside passing out candy to the kids. It was either last year or the year before that we got scolded for being too lovey dovey and reminded that we weren't newly weds anymore by our neighbours. It was last year that we went to the wedding of our friend right before halloween and the air was cold and damp. We danced almost all night together...the only people on the floor sometimes. We were again told how great a couple we made. Tonight the air was not cold and damp. There were many trick or treaters but half the time I stayed inside. Towards the end I emptied big handfuls into the children's bags. I feel too shy to do the halloween thing by myself but I did try and I will make a new tradition. Maybe next year i will dress up and do scary stuff.

He came and got the divorce papers that I signed. I left them in the mail box because I was going swimming. Halfway through the class I remembered that I wanted to hold the papers ransome so that I could get the money he owes me. 2000.00. eh. what is the price of having all this crap over with?

Still, it needles me to know that he would not be where he is today with out me.

He is spending all his money on some other girl...Money that I should have.

He used me. Bottom line...I was completely used and wasted.

I could be sick from those thoughts. I fight that they are eating at me sometimes.

It has been five days and i have not smoked. I told a friend how badly I wanted one after handing over the papers like that yesterday. She said I deserved one. I told her that no, i deserve to keep myself healthy and deserve to take care of myself. For a very small moment I felt empowered. At least I am more of two steps forward one step back instead of two steps back one step foward. I know I am not used up and wasted. I just feel really bitter for the moment. Really angry and maybe a little self pitying. I want my mom.

The little things you don't notice...

How many times do you update your profile when you are on message boards? I mean half the time you don't even know what you've written. Then you happen upon your profile one day and see how you wrote that you were happily married to the most wonderful man in the whole wide world...and you would NEVER be divorced becuase your life was just sooooooo perfect and fine and beautiful. You were soooo lucky and so blessed to have all this good fortune wrapped up in the super human male form that shared your bed at night.


And then you think what a dumbass. Roll your eyes at yourself and hit delete. and then get a nice little giggle in because now you know better. It isn't being jaded. It is being wiser.

A wish list...

New camera
baseboards
appliances...washer, dryer, dishwasher
New front door with a window
New furniture
Waterproofed basement
A thingie that will allow me wireless access through the house.

A good guy. A really good guy that is up to my standards (which aren't huge).

It was a a bust....

The date last night. Nice guy, cute, but it just wasn't there for me. Thankfully, I believe the feeling was mutual. I feel most relieved that it wasn't a go. I don't know why.

Apathy

Mike brought over the separation agreement on Monday. I signed it yesterday and J notorized it. I don't feel anything for him anymore...No hatred, no love, no nothing. Just apathetic about the whole thing. The old guy I was seeing called me on Mon. night too. again, apathy. The new guy is using the L word...apathy. I have a date on Tuesday with yet another new guy and I feel less apathetic about meeting him but still, no flutters of anxiety and hopes of all that might be. I just don't care right now. Not about being with someone anyway.

I took my step dad out for lunch today. It was nice to spend time with him.. He is 86 years old but geesh, he doesn't seem it. I also picked up a bunch of storage boxes from mom's stuff. I figure I can use some of it for school. I bought some knee highs and cat toys today.

I was going to get my home organized this weekend but once again just feel apathetic.

The antiM

I have met a nice guy (the old one fizzled out). He is the Anti-Mike...Eclectic, comfortable, different and unconcerned with the way others see him. He has long dark hair, kind brown eyes, and a weird little strip of a beard (it's grey) that goes from his lip to the chin about a half inch wide...not so much a goatee. He plays the violin though I have not heard it yet. Seems to be open minded but also on the conservative side. I haven't quite figured him out or determined whether or not I am interested in him. He is curious. The more I talk to him the more I like him even though his grammar is atrocious. That was a big hang up for me though I am getting over it. On our second date he wrote me a little story and bought me a yellow carnation (not too fond of yellow but I love carnations). He's local, in the same city. That could be a plus...or not. It will be interesting to see where things go.

And so it feels like fall...

I know I complain bitterly about the cold but I welcome fall and winter this year with new hopes and a feeling of contentment. Perhaps it is the release of seretonins (?)I am experiencing since I just got back from swim. Funny, my freshman year in highschool we had just moved to this house and I was on a swim team. I remember it being November, cold, and coming out of the gym with wet hair but not being cold. Not cold like I was last year. Happiness makes you warm. It does. Anyway, here it is 25 years later and I am coming home tired, but not in that bad way. Relaxed, happy and actually feeling like I am home. It is a good place to be.

Saturday whims..

I slept until 10:00. Here it is going into the second week of October and it is getting up to 90 something. Small hints of rain but not a drop comes. I am still bummed about that situtaion. Things are still calm and peaceful and my last 10 years are becoming a far away memory in some ways. You think you will never get over it, but it is amazing how sometimes you just cope without any effort. The pain goes away, you start to forget and you know you're on the way to making a full recovery when the little things come up that are still unresolved and you don't flinch. Mike must be making very large purchases because the credit card company called for a fraud alert. I called him to let him know (left a message and he never called back). I had a moment of anger and wonder as to what he was doing making large purchases when he owes me money, and then it just went away. I can think of him being with someone else now and it doesn't bother me. I can think of him buying whatever he wants for whomever he wants or shacking up and playing family man and think..glad it isn't my problem anymore. I would like to know when he is going to get on the ball and get this divorce over with though. It is the last monkey on my back.

settling in...

Things have been quiet here. The new romance that budded back in March and the rocky road through the summer has evaporated into nothingness. There were no good byes, no fights, just nothing and I am just fine with that. I went for a walk the other evening at sunset. The warm vermillion glow that was cast by the angle of the sun was memorable, beautiful, and calming. I have forgotten what that peaceful feeling had felt like and it seems years since I have been able to appreciate that which often goes over looked. I remember being struck by some of life's most everyday ordinary events and finding awe in them.. I am finding that again and so glad.

I am becoming my own person again. The person I used to love to hang out with and feel comfortable with. The person who knew how to make her mark and live to her fullest. I need to get to know her again and see what exciting things she has planned. I respected and envied her and I think she has gotten much stronger since I last saw her.

Kidney stones..

Yesterday i went to the emergency room at 5 am with the worst pain I had ever felt. I had noone to take me there, no one to care for me, but I had people call from work to check on me. That small thing made me feel a million times better. I will bet they don't even know that. So yeah, it was kidney stones. I feel much better today but stayed home just in case the pain was being masked by the great drugs they gave. I slept all day yesterday and all through the night. I don't know if I passed the thing yet or not. My back is still a little tender but that might also be PMS. Anyhoo, I don't want to ever go through that again. NEVER. My self diagnosis was too much exercise and not enough water intake. That will change. The water intake, not the exercise.

New stuff...

Last week i joined a gym with Jules and had my 5th water aerobics class today. OMG, it feels good both physically and mentally. Plus, I can eat more and not gain any weight. ALways important.

I am also going to look into the yoga and weight training.

Oh, I ran into an old "friend" of ours at the gym tonight. It is a girl who is friends with the girl (K) who introduced Mike to Gina. They all know each other. I hadn't seen her in about a year and a half. The guy who is handling our divorce also handled hers. It was awkward. She asked how I was, and I said fine. I went ahead and pointed out the big white elephant after a few moments of tippie toeng around it and said Well, I guess you heard about Mike and I. She had. No doubt about that with the gossip machines that mike's friends are. I am sure K told her about my psychotic episode of the phone calls to mIke the night Gina answered his phone on his birthday. Then she asked if I got the house...Uh, yeah, the house is MINE. Always has been but only recently official. Sure, like after four years of him not working and paying for his law school, bar exams, this that and the other thing, no fucking way does he get any part of what has been mine. He's already taken enough.


Yeah, that is about it. Things are rather slow and content lately. Guess that is good.

Today...

It has finally rained. I haven't cut my grass in about a month because it hasn't grown and also because if I had cut it, it would have all turned brown. Today there was a freshness in the air that hasn't been there for months. Today it smelled green even if it was ever so slight. I have a fire pit that I would love to be able to use this fall but there is no way I can if it continues to be so dry. I have so much to burn. so much.

I bought some beautiful brown pumps yesterday. They look like dance shoes...kind of old fashioned with a brown suede flower on the side of them. Remember Stevie Nick's video of Gypsy? That is what they remind me of, that era in the video. 30s? 40s? And oh my god are they comfy. A heel that I can actually wear.

Thankfulness...and knee sock tradition

Today i am thankful for
A wonderful new boss and a great job
A home to live in and personal financial stability.
Wine...Cabernet
Good friends
Nice clothes (shuddup, I am allowed a shallow moment)
Art, creating and looking at beautiful works
solitude (for now it is nice)
feeling better and stronger

Knee socks (and it is part of my thankfulness). Yesterday I went to Target looking for a skirt. Couldn't find what I had in mind BUT I found beautiful knee socks in argyle patterns, angora, over the knee styles AND legwarmers. Right before Xmess when things were going sour with talks of moving out, I went to my sister's house for brunch. Afterwards, my other sister Rox and I decided to hang out and go window shopping for furniture and she wanted to run to TJ MAx for something. The winter was not hugely cold, but colder for me than usual (stress maybe?) especially my feet and legs. I was elated to find some knee socks and spent about 50 bucks on all kinds of warm and fuzzy socks (yeah, I know, silly). Strange how incredibly comforting the socks were throughout the winter. People have comfort foods...I have comfort socks. About the leg warmers for anyone who is reading...don't worry, they will not be shown. I figure some leg warmers will be better looking under my pants than a pair of thermals, paired with a sweat pant and looking like the michelin man. I couldn't quite come to grips with buying these things in 96 degree weather, but they will be mine. Oh yes, they will. All the fuzzy bright warm knee socks lined carefully in my drawer.

Another long dry weekend...

Today was 90 something degrees and will be for the next few days making this the hottest year on record. Did I mention that already? did I mention how badly I would like to see rain and how sad and pathetic my dead yard looks? This weekend was a lonely one. I did not see SO because he was not feeling well and was bogged down with work. I am feeling a little insecure but resisted emotional dialing of anyone except for Julie. Really I only called her because I was concerned that I hadn't heard from her in a while and I know she has a really old and ill cat. I was afraid the cat had passed but Julie says she is doing fine. We're supposed to get together at the Pub tomorrow for some trivia. I am looking forward to the time I spend with her. A good female friend comes around so rarely.

Roxanne and Katie stopped by. Katie is going off to school on the 16th. I can't believe she is that old. I still remember her as a little preemie and then as a tiny independent and sensitive toddler who was wise beyond her years. She is a beautiful girl. Both she and her sister are works of art in and of themselves and no, I am not biased. They simply are. I consider them two of the most beautiful young women I have ever seen, topping Sade, Halle Barry, and Selma Hyak.

That is about it. It is late and I have to be ready for school tomorrow. At least I went and prepared a little today. I love having a key and access to the building anytime I want. It makes for a much less stressful work schedule.

Art books and sheets...

Yesterday I went to the book store and finally bought a book that I had been eyeing since before christmas called Fashion Illustration next. Lovely eye candy that combines beautiful art and models with fashion (duh) Most is photoshop stuff but it is also painting, collage, and drawing. It made me happy to finally have it.

I also bought a couple of other books that were bargain little art books. One is on surrealism and the other is fairies and angels in art. I love the Fairies and angels one because of the painting style....The rich flesh tones and the beauty of the female form of the pre-rafaelites and symbolists. YUM! YUM! YUM! The visual stimulation sparks my own wants to create art. I am thinking of painting my doors in the house. Why not? They're those hideous core doors and I am going to be living here for a long time so why even think about resale value right now? Besides, paint is the easiest thing to fix.

I have a hole in my comforter and my flannel sheets are incredibly thread bare and ugly with their faded rose colour and patched holes. Still, they're comfortable like an old flannel shirt should be. I think for my next pay check I am going to splurge on some sheets and a new, more contemporary bed spread/coverlet. I almost bought a striped one that has red on the back so it is reversable, but SO has one just like it (only yellow on the back). I didn't want him to think I was copying him. We have really similar tastes though. still, I really am not crazy about stripes. If I could find something all cotton in a diamond or square pattern I would be happy. I did see a beautiful satin cover but it was...SATIN and not cotton. It had a really nice concentric square design.

I will find something I like. If not, I can hold out a little longer.

Cutting...

Today i cut down the Hybrid Willows that mike planted about 5 yrs ago. The drought was killing most of them but the one strong one was blocking the entrance to the yard. I guess there were about 8 of them I cut down. There is also a really tall one on the right side of the yard that needs to go too. I have to remove the stumps as well but have a long weekend to get to that. I guess I will use an axe to chop them down and up. It was a productive day even though it felt lonely and I have done nothing but think about him lately. SO is working a lot so I don't see much of him, giving my mind too much time to think of things.

I bought some air fresheners to change the way the house smells. This office in particular, smells like mike still. I don't know how. All of his things are out except for a few boxes. In time I suppose it will go away.

Smells...

Today for some reason, I noticed the smell of my house. Smell is the sense most linked with memory. I need to change the smell of my house. Maybe buy new cleaning products and some air fresheners.

Better?...

Things are slightly better even though the weekends are hard. Mike still hasn't called and still hasn't picked up the rest of his stuff and still hasn't paid me the 2000. he owes me. I am having a feeling that I am not going to see that money. Not that it really matters, it is just the principle of the whole thing.

I went over to SO's last night (I will call him Jake, not his real name). Jake fixed me a dinner of stuffed orange roughy (sp?) with a pasta salad and asperagus. To top it off he fixed a little dessert of raspberries with white and milk chocolate drops that was really good. He is so funny and talented in many ways. I grow to like him more and more. we don't get to see each other a lot because of his work schedule and the time he spends with his girls, but I am OK with that. We at least talk to each other on the phone every night. Things are progressing nicely. Not too fast, and not stagnant.

One week of school down and 34 ish more to go? I got a nice paycheck now that the insurance is covering me only. I should be able to sock away quite a bit in savings.

Things I am saving for:
furniture
new roof
water proofing the basement
Those are the big ticket things. The roof and the basement are going to take priority.

Foofy wants that are on my list:
a jacuzzi. Oh yes indeed. and maybe a three season room someday to house it.

Talk about the weather....

Today was the first day in a long time that the temperature was below 95 (we were at a cool 90 and dry). My grass is crunchy and brown, the leaves of the trees are falling as if it were autumn and my yard is just an absolute wreck. The drought and destruction it has left this summer is a bit symbolic don't you think? Now I worry about the flooding we'll probably have once it does rain. all that water will go straight to the basement I am betting.

The hummingbirds are active and agressive again in their funny little way. The dominant one chases off all the others and if I am sitting too close he hovers around me making a big fuss. As if that is going to solve anything. They are fun to watch.

The weekends are hard. My mind wanders too much. Today i did a few productive things though. I cleaned the garage a little and sprayed some weeds. I need to cut the grass but I am going to wait until next week after we hopefully get some rain.

Last year at this time...

I divide my life into events that are life changing.

The before and afters of:
Nick's death
Marriage to mike
knowing Ric
mom's death
Mike leaving me. though these last two are only 5 months apart, so they can be lumped together.

Health tip of the day...

As learned from the news this morning, it is not how much sleep you get, it is about the time that your head hits the pillow. Apparently 10:30 - 6:30 is the best time to sleep and wake up for mental health as well as physical. Something about the daylight hours and bio-rhythms. I was close to that last night I think. I can't really remember if I fell asleep before the news was finished or if Jay Leno was on. I do know that once I fell, I fell hard and fast. I am tired today though. That will even out.

Things I have learned...

Change really never changes. You only think it does.

people come and go but bonds will always be made in the strangest of places. You are never alone.

You are always stronger than you think you are.

You are always prettier and smarter than you think you are.

You are happier than you let yourself be.

Letting things be is a beautiful thing.

A moment of weakness..

School starts tomorrow and it is a year milestone without mike. I was thinking of how he used to wake up with me and see me off to school and I started to miss him. So, I called him. He immediately began telling me that he had a bunch of boxes and he was getting all of his stuff organized. He also told me he was getting a storage unit and would be picking up the rest of his things in a day or so. He began to close out with OK? I will call you ....I asked if he was busy and he said yes, with trying to organize stuff etc. I told him I really just wanted to call and see how he was doing, and then I told him I miss him. he talked about how yeah, he used to get up with me in the morning and then after a couple of days he would just sleep in. In other words, there was no fond nostalgia on his part. He didn't tell me he missed me or anything reassuring or hopeful. He just told me he was busy getting his act together.

I don't know why I did this other than to confirm what I already knew. He is done with me. I guess I am just still hurt from being thrown out like a piece of trash with no good reason. I am also hurt that I will never know why. Of course I am. But what if he wasn't done with me? I wouldn't have taken him back I don't think. Well, it would take extreme measures on his part anyway and he's never shown that he wants to go to that legnth. I hear judge Judy in my head screaming at me HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE. PUT A PERIOD AND MOVE ON. I miss the man I married. I have to keep telling myself that he doesn't exist anymore.

Today I am feeling like I just can't get through this. My heart hurts, I can't breathe, and I am sick to my stomach. Sure, I guess it doesn't help that I am anxious about school starting tomorrow. God please let things get better and please do not let me become a bitter, angry person.

AAAAACKK!

school starts on Monday. My last free days for a while.

Nothing much happening here. Still have not heard from asshole. I hate not having an end in sight.

A good day and I don't care...

Same old stuff regarding mike. He still has shit he has to pick up and made no call to me yesterday. Probably won't call tonight either, but at this point I am begining not to care. I do have several large garbage cans, much more than one person needs.

Today was a useless day regarding work. More happy happy joy joy stuff that wasted our time when it could have been used to work in our rooms. I have 47 8th graders in one class and 40 in another. It won't stay that way, but I am looking at my roster and thinking OMG, I am going to DIE! Not really. I know things will get worked out and I will do the best with what I have got, but it is going to be an interesting year. I am excited to have the 8th grade the WHOLE year this year instead of only 9 weeks. We'll be able to do some more in depth things, but on the flip side, a lot of my gifted kids aren't in my class.

I am mentally getting really geared up for a good year. I am ready for routine and stability in a chaotic package that is teaching.

So Why was it a good day? I don't know, it just was. Maybe because I had a great night with SO last night. Maybe because I am getting back to that point where I can have feelings for someone else again. Maybe it is because I have special friends and coworkers that I enjoy more and appreciate more. Life is good. Life is beautiful.

Today I...

Have gone a whole day without smoking.

Today i have thought about things I want to do...
With the house
With a special someone
With my life
With my time
With my body and my soul.

Today I feel happy and light.

Today I want to be creative.

Today i have something to prove to the world and to myself.

BTW, I love my new lap top. You were wrong saying I wouldn't. You were wrong about so many things. Most of all you were wrong about me.

First day back..

For teachers anyway. Students come on Monday. I went to my sister's house last night so I had to call mike and let him know that he could come clear the rest of his stuff from the garage or wait. When I got home it was gone.

I just now deleted a bunch of sad pathetic ramblings of how a near empty house feels and how I wish this had never happened. I deleted it because enough is enough. So what. I am living on my own for the first time EVER, and it is going to be just fine. I am a big girl and need to start acting like it.

Another day...

I finally called mike last night to see when he was going to pick up his things and he came over within a couple of hours. I don't know why but I was terrified to call him. I was shaking, and nauseated. I guess I thought he would get pissy with me about asking for the reimbursement of the insurance money. When he was here I went over why I think I was owed that and explained to him that even if the money for some of the things we bought were taken from MY inheritance, I still come up about 14,000 short of what I should have in my savings right now. Divide that in 2 and at the very least, 7,000 went to him. So, he isn't owed anything. That money that he had been paying was already owed to me. Personally, I think I am being very generous in letting him off the hook for anything else. I didn't mind supporting him when we were together because I thought it was going to be OUR future. Life is a gamble.

He is supposed to come over tonight and pick up more stuff. I still can't believe it is actually over. I know it is, but the reality of it is just unbearable at times. It would have been different if we had grown apart, fought, hated each other in any way before he decided to leave but like I keep saying, I never even got a chance to hate him. It just feels so damn unfinished and I am left with so many unanswered questions. I have to accept that I am not going to get the answers that I need or want. All that does is beat myself up wondering what is wrong with me.

I was reading something about coping with divorce and how you have to accept responsibility for your part in the split. I have so little responsibility to claim. I am going to say that i am 15-20% responsible at the very most. Ok, so I lacked confidence in certain areas of my life (got it now though), and so I spent too much time on the computer because I was going through depression for the last couple of years, or I needed to occupy my time when Mike was studying or whatever. That is drastically cut down. So those two things I accept responsibility for. And the computer usage wasn't even my fault alone because Mike was not emotionally available for me. so to those coping experts, FUCK YOU. Ok, that gave me a bit of a chuckle.

2 for today...

I have cleared out the wall book shelf in the office that was formerly Mike's. Instead of being excited I find the whole ordeal surprisingly extremely painful. There are only a few boxes in there that belong to him now and I will try to get those out soon enough. I suppose it would have been more painful to go in there and see it empty after he had finished it than if I took control of the situation and did it myself. All day today I have had to tell myself outloud, it's ok, it's ok, it's ok. It isn't even that the space belonged to mike. It is also Nick's former office, the room he died in and the room that was his shrine until Mike moved in. I have never stepped into that room and claimed it as mine.

Today I DON'T feel like everything is going to be ok. I need to get out of the house and will in a few hours. SO and I are supposed to go out tonight and do something fun. Maybe go dancing.

Cleaning house...

Mike still hasn't called to pick up his stuff. I don't know why. If I were in his shoes and setting up house with someone new i would want this to be over PDQ. Can't he step away from her for a couple of hours? You would think she would want it too. It isn't like he can't find someone with a truck, a friend has already said he would help him and it isnt' like he has huge mountains of furniture to move or anything, just some books and personal items.

I have moved some of his books to the garage. This is the hardest thing I have ever done, even though I know it is over and I need it to be over. I still miss the old Mike and mourn him. I mourn my dreams and hopes I had for us, but I will create new ones for me alone.

Got the copy of the deed. The house is mine, all mine. Officially.

He thinks things are even...

So after I emailed mike about the insurance he emailed me back saying he put all of his checks into our savings acct. and checking acct. when he was working part time as a police officer. Uh yeah, he did because we lived off of my inheritance for a while. Before I got my inheritance, our savings was down to only a couple of thousand. He forgets how much his tuition costs. he forgets that my mom put a roof over our heads. He forgets that he was fed and clothed and he bought things for himself like Ipods, VCR/DVD player, etc. Yes, we bought a TV and a new Microwave, and garage door etc. but I would say that I paid out far more than he did when we have lived together. If we had to go tit for tat about it. All I am asking for is the reimbursement for the time I supported him while he abandoned me. Money that he said he would pay anyway.

Damn right I am coming out ahead financially even if he doesn't pay me back, but that certainly isn't MY fault. That is rightfully mine. He now has the potential to make three times the amount of money I make but if he doesn't stick with it, that isn't my fault either. I invested in his future. None of it really matters. I was feeling used for a short time, but really, I just want this all to be over.

Today is...

Our 10th year anniversary. How strange.

Today i am going out with friends to see the I now Pronounce you Chuck and larry movie. I think that is what it is called.

Today I felt relaxed. Heartrate and BP back down to normal.

Today I emailed Mike to let him know that he owes me approx 2000 dollars. I am not fighting him for it but we'll see if he sees it as a moral obligation and does the right thing. Particularly since I have been a storage unit for all his shit for the last 8 months and he seems to be in no hurry to get it out.

Today is disgustingly hot. I never thought I would say that. I look forward to early fall but dread the nasty cold of winter.

Today my mind is on better things. Better people. Better future.

So, on Monday Mike called me and said he couldn't come by because he was too busy. I made a big show of things by crying, gnashing my teeth and beating my chest etc. but I finally got him to say that he doesn't love me and he doesn't want to be with me. Now it is all on him. Part of me knows that he has been waiting for me to end it but I wasn't going to give him that satisfaction.

So yesterday he came by to give me his insurance card. I was calm and business like when he complained that he didn't know where he was going to put all of his stuff. I told him it wasn't my problem. It wasn't snarky or angry, just matter of fact. I told him I wanted it out as soon as possible because I had plans to make this house a home. I need to move on and feel in control over something in my life.

When he left he turned and said, don't I get a kiss or hug? I very politely said, no, I don't think so. Again, there were no emotions attached to it. I can't believe he had the nerve to ask that though. OMG he really must believe that I am that desperate or that I worship him that much.

Yes, I am sad about the last 8 months. I wish things had turned out differently but maybe it is all for a reason. I have a new life to live and maybe share what I have to offer with someone who will appreciate it. Hopefully soon I will find myself writing about more positive things. Now this is a recording to help me heal, and help me to avoid these kinds of issues in the future.

One positive thing...I will pay 0 for my insurance now. YAY!

More shit

I tried calling him all weekend because he was supposed to get more of his stuff. He never returned any of my calls and had his phone turned off. I did have a legit reason for calling not only because of his stuff here, but also because he needs to give me a copy of his insurance so that I can get him off of MY policy. I also want to fuck with his head. I want him to admit that he does not want to be with me. I want him to admit that he doesn't love me. I want him to admit that he is a fucking liar and coward. I want him to be the ultimate bad guy only because I hate him so bad right now and want him to suffer. Yeah, i am being petty to the exxtreme. I don't even care that he is with her (oh, which he was all weekend). She can have that problem. They're going to be soooooo happy together. *insert evil laugh*.

I will be very happy once all this is over. Yes, I hurt from being jerked around up and down, but the end of it is coming very soon. I have a whole new life to look forward to.

roller coaster....

Wednesday Mike came over and we really talked about deep issues. We discussed our significant others and our relationship and how neither of us wanted to hurt anyone. He says he doesn't love her but I am not so sure. There was talk of working it out again and plan making. He said if we get back together he would have to just jump in and move back in. None of this dating stuff. We talked about his job and he said he wouldn't quit and we began to make plans about how we would live in this house. I began to get hopeful again.


Thursday I texted him and let him know that I was thinking of him. I called him at 9 that night after I had gotten off of work. He didn't answer his phone because he is using his other one.

Friday. I texted him and called again. Then I called his other phone and he answered. He did a complete 180 on me. Went back to saying he didn't know what he wanted. I asked him if I told him to move in this weekend, would he? He said I don't know. Which means no. He was with Gina on Thursday. He says he was trying to break it off with her. I don't trust that he was being completely honest with me. I told him I had plans with SO and I had broken them off for him. I told him that I couldn't take this being jerked around anymore and that he needs to continue to move his stuff out. I don't know what to feel. I don't think I really love him, I am just living in the past and I am afraid of being alone. This is the first time I have ever lived alone for a long period of time. I need to learn how to like it.

Mike came over last night to pick up the radios. I cried so hard I puked. I thought I was done yelling at him but i continued. I also called the girlfriend every name in the book. He kept saying it wasn't her fault and I know that but I told him right now, I am allowed to call her anything I want and don't you DARE defend her to me. He didn't. I don't feel like writing down all that was said or every emotion I went through. I will just list the highlights.

when I asked him if he told her we were getting back together he said that was none of my business. At first I felt embarrassed by my nosieness but then I said bullshit. I had told him EVERYTHING about SO so I did have a right to know. It affected what was going on between us. So he told me no. He didn't tell her. That speaks volumes and I need to remember that.

he said he had thought about quitting his job. His brand new job that he makes good money at (he hadn't worked in 3 years) and he has the opportunity to move up with this experience. That tells me that there is still something very wrong with him. He can't keep a job and has no direction in his life. I used to think only stupid uneducated people were like that. Well, he has about 70,000 dollars worth of education so I don't know what his deal is.

He told me he did tell the stupid cunt not to touch his phone again. I am sure he wasn't nasty about it since i heard them laughing one time when I called. I don't know if the phone was being hung up or what but he claims he never answered the phone.

I wonder what he's told her. I wonder what she thinks. I am not at the point where I don't care yet. Right now I want to punch the shit out of her. I KNOW that is irrational to blame her and I would be the first to defend her if I was seeing this as an outsider, but now I fucking know what it is like.Right now it just feels easier to blame her and be mad at stupid cunt instead of mike even though I am mad at him too.

We later talked again. I hate when we actually talk about our feelings and we think about all the things we've been through. He said he didn't even know why we were getting divorced. Other than this stupid shit he's pulled moving out to begin with, our marriage was great. That man doesn't exist anymore though. I don't know what happened to him but I miss my REAL husband so very much.

Where does that leave things with SO? I saw him last night too. the feelings just weren't there but only because my mind set was set on all the shit that happened this weekend. Right now I really don't feel like being with anyone.

Maybe I only love things when I am about to lose them.

How things change in a day...

This is just cut and pasted from a message board that I post at. I didn't feel like writing it all down again. This is from Saturday, July 28th which was dh's birthday.

I am having a REET evening that I am not particularly proud of and is totally uncharacteristic of me. Dh (that is damned husband) and I were supposed to see each other tonight. I checked his home and work plus a few hangouts that he hangs out at after calling his phone a few times. Finally I got an answer but it wasn't him who answered it was a woman named Deena. She actually had the nerve to ask WHO IS THIS?? I said uh, is this Mikes phone, thinking that maybe I hit the wrong number. He then got on the phone. He was at a swanky restaurant (it is his birthday today) and I said where the FUCK are you. He said *swanky restaurant's name* and I yelled was that the GIRLFRIEND!! then he hung up on me after I started yelling at him (I think they were singing happy b-day in the background) So I went psycho and have left numerous voice messages on his phone. I even went down to this restaurant but talked myself out of going inside. I didn't even see them. Later i did go back but they'd already gone (thank god.)

I knew he was seeing someone who'd he had been set up with from a friend of ours but as of the last few weeks he said they stopped seeing each other and I hadn't seen SO in two weeks because we were supposed to be working things out ya know. I have been completely honest with him about things. HE'S the one that is supposed to be putting in the effort and obviously he has NOT been honest. I hate to say this, but I am going to confess to more psychoness so you all can bitch slap me into sanity. I even called the friend who set them up (they're all otu together) and left a message explaining my psychotic behaviour, that her friend probably didn't know that Mike and I were supposed to be working things out and that he was supposed to have been with me tonight. I have never done anything like this before. I am shocked that he would do something like this. He is not the man that I knew at all.

I am too pissed to be in tears right now, but I have no doubt that is coming. Actually I am shocked at the stalkerish behaviour I exhibited tonight too. What the hell is she answering HIS phone for?? And then having the nerve to ask who is this? OMG! I always respected his privacy and let him answer his own damn phone and I would expect him to do the same for me let alone let a girlfriend that you really don't want to be with answer it. So I don't think we're going to work things out now. I probably pissed him off and I know damn well I am beyond pissed.Hope all that makes sense. ANd I will say it again before anyone else does Okellern=REET temporarily (I hope).

So yesterday I had my SO come and change my locks. Mike called and gave me the whole bullshit about being sorry and how I didn't deserve to be treated this way blah blah blahfucking BLAH. One of the things I found out after talking to Keri (the friend who set him up with this girl) was that he told her he wanted kids. He told me he didn't want to see her anymore because she wanted kids. He also tried to pass the responsibility for HIS actions by saying I never called him or showed interest. That was not for ME to do! HE is the one who walked out on me and HE is the one who said he didn't want the divorce. He then blamed SO and my relationship with him. I hadn't seen him for two weeks (though I did see him platonically on Friday night). Like I said, I was completely upfront about what was going on. I had cleared out the dresser and his closet again in preparation for him to move back in. I was mentally preparing for this even though I wasn't sure I was in love with him anymore. I just thought it would take some work to get to that in love state and it was starting to happen when we were talking more. Now this.

Anyway, he came to pick up some of his things yesterday because I had given him an ultimatum that he either call me back that night or he could get his things this week. So when he called, I told him he had to make arrangements to get his stuff. He wanted to come right then but I told him SO was there. At first I said I had a guy changing my locks but then I just didn't care about his feelings and told him that SO was there and I didn't know when he was leaving.

He is coming over in about an hour to pick up the huge antique radios in the house. I hate those damn things.

I will discuss more later and write down the details. Right now I just wanted to record the events.

I have bought my first house...

I will soon be finished with all of the finalizing of mom's estate and I have paid off my brother and sisters. Next week the deed will be transfered to me and i can officially say that I am a homeowner!

I am having issues with my teeth again. Have a dentist appnt. on Wed. I am so tired of having these same two teeth giving me all kinds of problems.

mid summer blue...

this Friday will be the one year anniversary of my mom's death. My sister is coming over and a bottle of crappy wine called 4 sisters awaits us even though two of my sisters won't be here for the life rememberence. That is ok though. I should get some nice snacks and some of mom's favourite candies for us to enjoy. I want to make it special.

The summer for me is almost over. Next week I will be participating in the summer ready program for school. It only is four hours a day, and then a week off before we have to get back to the grind. It will be weird going back to work this August and not having to worry about taking classes. Geesh. I will actually have some kind of life during the fall and winter months.

It used to be that I dreaded the days getting shorter. June 21st was the worst time because the days got shorter so quickly. Now it isn't so bad. I can't say that I am a 100% ready to go back to work because we have a lot of changes this year, but I am not agonizing over it like I was this time last year. Well, I guess I wasn't really agonizing over much of anything except the loss of my mother really.

Things are still confusing with my love life. M is supposed to come over tonight. And yes, I did see SO the other day. It was good. Realistically if I put things into perspective though, the newness of a relationship is always so intoxicating. But there is let down. There is uncertainty. Up until this last crazy year, I had always considered myself lucky to have M in my life.. I don't know what will happen but love is more than sex and having a good time. it is committment. We were once very committed to each other. Maybe we can be again. God I wish I could know if the future was worth it. I am not a gambler, though I really don't know what the safer path would be.

what's it been?

A week now? things are not better. M and I have spoken or seen each other a little more lately, but it is damn hard to work on your marriage when you only see or talk to each other maybe once or twice a week. Even when we do talk, it is pretty lite and tiptoeing around everything. i am having serious doubts that this will work. He has this new job and he is getting his footing and working long hours to get caught up and get the hang of things, but where is the balance? It doesn't help that he could find time to go out with friends the other day. same old shit.

I am sick to death of worrying about things. I haven't been able to break it off completely with SO. I am debating on weather or not to go see him tonight. I know I am going out with my GF tonight for dinner and drinks, but I don't know what is going to happen beyond that. You know what? At this point I don't care. Maybe I won't break it off at all. Maybe I won't get back with M.. Why should I? Anger... It is such a better state to be in than depression. It sure the hell is.

I hate titles...

Today I feel like crap. So I hadn't written about the man that I have been seeing since March 3rd. He is a great guy and we've spoken every day since and have seen each other 2-3 times a week. I could have fallen in love with him. I was on the verge but keeping it tempered because I didn't want to be a rebound user (I have been the rebound girl before and it sucked). I guess I am a rebound user anyway. For the last couple of weeks, M and I have discussed getting back together. He doesn't want the divorce now even though I signed the papers. I feel I owe it to our marriage to see if we can work it out. Yesterday I told my Significant Other of 4 months that M and I were going to get back together and that I couldn't work on my marriage with him in the picture. Not those exact words, and not that cold. I told him over the phone because M threw a wrench in our plans for dinner by deciding to come over. After M left I had called him and then he came over later.

I can't stop crying. I figure I just hate the finality of things. Or maybe it is sleep deprivation from listening to a screeching puppy all night long (more about that later but right now I just need to yell into the big black void). Maybe I am crying because I fear I am making the biggest mistake of my life. Funny how you want to hold onto something when you know you will never see it again. I am sure I would feel the same if M went ahead and filed those papers. It is a no win situation. I just wish I had a crystal ball to tell me what would be the right choice. I hate this.

June...

Yesterday 16th was my birthday. Since I didn't throw myself a party, the only people who remembered it was my birthday were my sister, niece, and my best friend.

M came over today with the divorce papers. Today he found out exactly how I feel. It was nice to get it off my heart though my eyes are sore, red and tired.

I am really tempted to get a dog. I fell in love with one and I already named him Fernando. I will call him Fred for short. We'll see. I don't think my cats will forgive me though they do well when Lucy comes to stay. I need someone to watch over me. God knows cats make lousy guard animals.

June 14th 2007

Today I got my diploma in the mail. My mailman actually brought it to the door because he didn't want it to get bent and he congratulated me. It was sweet of him. In the past 5.5 months, I have spoken to my soon to be Ex about 10-12 times. He never calls. So much for caring about me and wanting to continue some sort of a relationship. You know he wanted to get back together in April. Said he wanted to call more and stop over more. He never followed through. I would have gotten back with him back then if he had shown any effort. What a stranger he has turned out to be. I mourn the death of the man I thought was my husband. It is actually easier to think of it as a death because death is not personal.

Here is my wish for him:
I hope he becomes "motivated"
I hope he knocks up some starry eyed younger girl
I hope he is forced to pay child support and is hounded every day of his miserable life by someone he does not love and he CAN'T walk away from.
Better yet, I hope he marries her and she gets knocked up a couple of more times and nags him to death while his kids grow up completely fucked up (cuz he is far from fatherhood material) and hate him for it.

Oh if all of that happens, I know he will lie to himself and to everyone else and exclaim how happy he is and how fatherhood has made him a better person (tm). I know better. He had the best life possible with a wife who accepted him as he is, believed in him, and gave him the freedom and trust to grow and be happy. I hope he gets every god damned thing he deserves and more.

What will happen to me? Well, I know that I can't get myself into a hopeless situation because women hold all the cards in that way. I will live my life, unappologetic. Free. determined to be happy and successful in my job and life. Maybe someday I will find someone. Maybe not. Maybe I will make great long lasting friendships. Maybe I will travel ('specially to a certain southern city if your reading crazy lady:) ). Short-term goals include fixing up my house and buying cool shit!!!

Today I am happy. Why shouldn't I be?

updates

I finally am a graduate. 4.0 BTW.
School/work is winding down and the wind down is giving me time to think. Not pleasant thoughts. I never finished mourning my mother, barely even started mourning my marriage.

My hair is falling out. Fairly large clumps are left in each shower. I know it will grow back but I don't know what else will be waiting around the corner. My body seems to like to spring on new illnesses once all the stresses have settled down or at least they seem to settle down. I am tired all the time. Even falling asleep in the chair as soon as I come home from work. Half the time I don't even remember feeling sleepy or even what was going on before I fell. It is weird. As if I lose time or something. I wake up kind of disoriented and confused. When I need to function though I am so incredibly good at doing what needs to be done. In that way, I have been proud of myself.

I may be working this summer. It will be a nice diversion. It isn't that I need the money, though the house will need repairs and I am really looking forward to buying my own furniture someday. Really. Nothing belongs to me except a few appliances, the beautiful flatware I bought last year and my bedroom set that I bought as a high school graduation present for myself. Nearly everything in this house belonged to someone else and non of it reflects my style or taste. I don't know what my style is even.

So, things to look forward to...
Being a home owner (within months)
doing the things *I* want to do with the house.
having freedom and independence to be proud of.

Today again...

Well, really it was yesterday.
I found out you had not been honest with me.
I am not mad, more relieved. I am still friends with her. Disappointed in the way you handled it.
You haven't made an effort once again.
Today I will let you go. Cut you out.
Today I am realizing that I can't feel anything.
Today I want to clear everything out of the house. Everything that you have touched.
As far as I am concerned, this whole thing never happened. I have only been asleep.
Today I woke up.

What was the guy's name that slept for years and then woke up?

Yes, another tomorrow is...

Tomorrow I go back to work and back to school.
It is almost over but I am already finished and can't get back on track.

Everything is almost over.

Tomorrow is...

The first day of spring.
Where did march go?
Where did the last three months go?
Where did the last 8 months go?
Where did my life go?
Was I asleep?
Am I awake yet?
Or am I stuck in the dreaming?

Tease tease...

It is cold today. I know how march is with the teasing. Sometimes the teasing is fun. It keeps you looking forward. Today, not so much. I want it warm. I want to be outside digging in the dirt, taking long walks, and driving with the sunroof open. I want school to be over. I am finished mentally. I need a break and not just that piddly week of spring break. I know it will go by quickly. It already has.

Whine whine.

Ok, goals.
eh, forget it. I will write some another time.

So here it is

A day of peaceful feelings? Maybe. I haven't decided yet.

Sometimes all I want to do is get on the phone and tell you...Come home. I miss you. Then I remember that I don't have to worry about disappointing anyone. And it is good.

There is..

Greenery sprouting up all over.
At school, there were pansies planted in the large concrete planters. They are the ultimate party flowers. The first to endure the cold spring and the last to leave when fall chill sets in. They are a comfort to me. My favourite flower just because of their tenacious nature. Strong and unafraid. Dependable.

Today I feel better. Today I feel like a pansy. Funny that.

Today is..

Tired.
Sad for the first time in a few months.
Confused again. Where did I put my goals and dreams?
A thinner day. That is good.
A visionary's day. I have the visions I just can't express them.
A day where your throat hurts because of the lump you are trying to swallow. I envision cutting it out. I want to make a blue painting. Picasso are you listening?

Today was a beautiful day. Sunny and mild, no need for a jacket. Still, I am cold. I haven't cried in months and even then I could't bring myself to cry all that much. My eyes don't work anymore. It just gets stuck in the throat.

Today is a day...

For listening to dark and broody music.
For cleaning out the clutter that is crowding my world and suffocating me.
For leaping and twisting in a manic frenzy to expel the angry energy.
To scream
To cry like a blood letting. Just because I can.

No, it is not what you think.

Time change

I can't remember all the plans I was making before december. I know I was looking forward to the spring and summer and I still am, but now everything is up in the air and unfocused again. That leaves me with a combination of feelings. Sad, excited, scared and maybe a little lonely. I am looking forward to the early time change and the day ending at near 8 oclock instead of 7. I think it will lift my mood some and maybe help me to remember what I had planned before the world turned upside down on me. Upside down is not so bad. It is an interesting view if you know what to look for. Change in perspective is always a good thing.

What have I learned? At the risk of sounding jaded, which I try to remain unjaded, I have learned that most people don't give a damn about learning about anyone. Or maybe it is just me. Am I too much an open book that noone seems to be curious? Or am I too closed up that people are afraid to ask? I always want to know someone's story but am reluctant to talk about myself unless asked. No one asks. Today I feel disgruntled about the human state. I don't know why. I just do. I am sure it will be short lived.

Today is

Saturday
Cold
Snow/rain mix and windy
Sit in the bath of scalding hot water to get warm kind of day
A mentally creative day but not so much a physically creative one
A day to watch the cats snuggle
A day to play good music
A day to dress up
A day to meet a new person
A day to have jitters
A good day

No title...

Today when I think of you I just feel empty. It saddens me that I feel that way.

New year, new life

December 30th, my husband left me. I knew he'd been depressed about not having a full time job and not passing the bar exam but as the weeks went by after he moved out, my worst fear was confirmed. He was not happy with our marriage. He says there is no one else though I have a hard time believing that because how could one just simply fall out of love with someone so easily? I've seen him only about 4 times since he moved out and spoken to him about the same amount. He says he's happy and brought up the fact that we only have to be separated for 60 days before we can file for divorce.

I can't believe I was so duped by what I thought was a happy man in a happy marriage. We were the type of couple everyone was envious of and I was so arrogant in thinking to myself that things were so perfect. I feel a little foolish right now sometimes. I wrote him a letter telling him not to make any rash decisions he said he looked at it several times. I honestly feel there is no hope though. I don't know where my husband went (emotionally) he's just gone and it is strange to see this person who barely looks at me.

I know that come the first weeks of march, he will come around with papers for me to sign. I will sign them and maybe be unhappy for a short while but then I have plans to make. I have a new life to live and all the possibilities in front of me.

The first is to take care of myself which I am doing well.
The second is to buy this house.
The third is to make this house a reflection of me somehow. Maybe when I find me.
The fourth is to work hard, play hard and have as much fun as I can.
The fifth is because I hate even numbers so I will add that I will create.

Days of the week...

My favourite days are:
Thursday, because you can go out and moderately party because you know tomorrow is
Friday: once your day is done, you know that you have two full days ahead of you. You can stay up late because you can sleep in tomorrow on
Saturday. Saturday is the one superday you have. You don't have to fret about working the next day and you aren't tired from a day of work.

The days I least like:

Sunday. A day that may as well be called Monday Eve. I probably dislike this day the most. I try to cram all the work I have been putting off to this day. I have work anxiety for the next day.
Monday is just the start of the work week. At least it is started and once the day begins it is pretty much over.
Tuesday, the most boring day. Nothing so special about it and I almost pity it's lonely existance. It is quiet, unassuming and a nice transition into the middle of the week

Wednesday, which should begin the days that I like most. At the top of the climb and looking to the other side.

So, only three days out of the 7 that I dislike. Really only 2 since Tuesday is a kind of ghost of a day.

Bird Ladies.

I am still alive

Thoughts for today:

I love my job. It is the second quarter and the kids are really good or I am just better this year.

I bought some new gel pens.

The cold has now gone to my core. It is at the point where I will not get warm until Mid April. I have all of the times, sunrise and sunset printed out. Today I went through and counted how many hours of daylight will be each day. I watch it dwindle but the good news is that this year is going so fast that the days will be getting longer soon. Come May things will be good. I think. I have set aside that time to crash emotionally, physically, whatever I need. I don't know if that will be a good thing or not. Maybe there will be too much of a let down and I will go insane. We'll cut through that forest when we come to it.

I will take time each day to create something memorable if only to myself.

Remember the green room
Remember the black and white checker tiled floor.
Remember the red velvet and the blue moon with the quiet tinkling of music in the distance.

These are Places. I was there, I swear.

Fall is coming

Everyone is a twitter with the coming of fall. I hear people exclaim how they LOVE autumn. The leaves (ok, those are pretty) the cool weather, foot ball, slower pace, school, yadda yadda yaddah. I hate it. I have already started my countdown until the days start getting longer. It used to be the winter was so horrible but not anymore. June 21st or whatever Summer solstice is, is the worst day of the year because you know you are on the down swing. Winter solstice brings hope. It is the last of the darkness coming out of the tunnel. Sure, it is slow but everyday I count the minutes.

I am also pissed off because my summer was marked by saddness and pain (two trips to the emergency room that I could have just simply done without. Thank you very much stress and middle age.

Well, I did get to see Cirque du Soleil. My husband bought four VIP tickets last May. We were absolute dead center and dead front. We could see the performers sweating and making eye contact (the eye contact was a little unnerving). My sister and brother in law went with us. It was the most fabulous thing I think I have ever seen. We are now planning to see them in Vegas sometime in the near future.

Things I look forward to:
Next summer when all the above bullshit is well underway (except for our school situation. I hope it improves)
I am getting a kiln this year at school. I can't wait to do clay.

And she is gone...

Mom died Thursday July 20, 2006 and was buried yesterday on the 24th.

I am fine with it, as I mourned her the day she told me she had cancer way back on the 11th of July 2004 after we had gotten back from California. I remember that day as if it were yesterday, but at the same time yesterday, the day of the funeral, seems so far gone.

Things I will be grateful for:
Mom was able to be independant up until last week for the most part.
Mom will never be old and fragile
Mom's mind was still very much in tact
Friends and family pulled together to make her farewell fabulous.

I thought I would be all cried out, but there has been so little crying. Everyone tells me it hasn't sunk in yet. That I am in shock. I should be crying. My mom was the most important person to me. Even moreso than my husband, but I just don't feel that sad. There was no guilt in taking her off life support. No guilt in not saying I loved her enough. No guilt for even getting angry with her sometimes in these last two years. She knows how I feel about her. She knows.

Stuff and stuff

To keep track

Saturday I took mom's dog to the vet because there is no way she can handle a giant ill trained german Shepard. My arm is still sore.

Sunday (mother's day) the sisters and I got together at mom's house because she wanted us to go through the things she has and sort out what goes where when she dies. I could tell my sis Rox had been crying that day. We don't cry in front of mother though. We managed some laughs actually laughing so hard that I cried. Probably because that is what I really wanted to do. I cry when I type this out because that is the time that I can get it all out. I am amazed at just how much this actually physically hurts my heart, my throat, every part of my body. I miss my mom so much and she is still here. I hate this so much that I want to hurt something/ someone, but at the same time anyone else's pain makes me sad for them too. I just want everyone and everything to be ok. I feel cowardly because I wish it were me so I didn't have to watch them suffer.

I am angry and I am hateful today. I hope it will pass again soon.

How many more days?

Less than a month
16 more days with students


Update

mom: The bad days are more than the good days, but she is still hanging in there.

April 13th I find out I have a nephew that is three months old. That same phone call from my mother, I find out he has died of crib death. I can't imagine going on about your day thinking all is well with your loved ones, only to return having your world turned upside down. I can somewhat related. The same thing happend when my step father passed away, but I will say that with kids it is different. There is the guilt issue. They are supposed to be cared for by you and I can imagine that is a tough one to get through. Not that it was anyone's fault. He was a beautiful healthy baby (named after my step father) from what I could see of the pictures of him anyway.

The funeral was tough. Not because this child died necessarily. I didn't know him. It was tough to see all of the relatives who have grown so distant. It was tough because the burial was right next to my step father's grave in which my mother's headstone also lies. Sobering. Years ago it seemed so far away that it was unimaginable to lose my mother. Now? not so much.

The new stuff I forgot to mention...

November 9th, I got a car, and a new cat all at the same time. On Tuesday the eighth, my dodge neon of 10 years died on me. The windows were leaking, the turn signal broken, no AC, and a host of other things were going wrong with it when it just decided to cut out on me while driving home. Thankfully I was less than a block away from home and I just walked on home. It started up again, and we were able to put it in the drive way. The next day we went to look at cars and got a hyundai sonata. It had 22,000 miles on it, and it was a 2005. We bought an extended warranty on it since we like to keep cars until they are worthless, and we were able to buy it out right. No payments! I hated spending such a huge chunk of money on something, but we have already saved up a quarter of what we paid for it. By the end of the year we will have our savings back up and we will be buying a house soon.

Oh, the cat. So she showed up with a buddy on our doorstep when we pulled into the driveway on Tuesday night (the night before we got the car) We loved on her a little bit and her buddy wouldn't come near us. It was getting cold the next day so we kept an eye out for her, and of course, we fed her. That Wed, we had noticed that she slept in the neighbour's patio furniture and she kept meowing to come in. IT was going to turn very cold, so we set up a cage for her in the garage. We put in a notice at the shelter in case anyone was looking for her, but we got no response, so a few days later we let her in our house. She immediately acted as if she had always been there, and bossed the other cats around. On Dec. 9th, we finally dug into our pockets and shelled out money for her to see the vet. They estimate her age to be around 6 months and she was in perfect health. They think she will be a large cat and she is very muscular. Her it is on the 25th and we still don't know what to call her. DH calls her blackie, but I kind of like Ezzy, short for esmerelda. She still needs to be spayed. Hopefully we can get her before she starts her caterwauling.

I have no title...Just stuff.

Got an "A" in my class. Still 4.0. Great, but a lot of pressure to keep it up. If I can get through tw0 more classes without a blemish I will be good to go until I decide to go back for my Phd. Pfft. Don't laugh. I could you know. Why not? What else am I going to do with my time and money? I may as well.

Tomorrow is the last day before Xmess break. I have no idea why I feel so hostile right now, but I just want to shout out a hearty Fuck YOU to a good portion of the people out there in the world. Not for any good reason, and nothing personal. I just feel like lashing out at someone, anyone, and perfect strangers are better than those I love right now. Mostly better than lashing out at her, my mother. She has become so disagreeable since she has been ill and I have to pretend that I am agreeing with her. I don't want to hear about her Bush worship. I don't want to hear about her hating the liberals, and blaming every goddamn thing on those damn liberals. She has become beyond ultra conservative. It creeps into every goddamn sentence. Mom, You are wrong. God doesn't belong in the schools, Happy holifuckingdays is just as good as saying Merry motherfucking Christmas, I support Gay rights and think they should be able to marry. I support Abortion rights, and thank God I still have the ability to control my own reproductive choice should the need come about. And I can't remember what the hell else it is that bugs the crap out of me, but just can it for a while willya? Oh, and I am sorry for whatever it was I did when I was 5 fucking years old. I am now 37. Can we let it go? Quit thinking you know me when you refuse to acknowledge that I haven't been that way in years.

Yeah, I love you, and I feel guilty. I feel guilty because of a lot of things that I feel for you. Things that can't be said.

the realization

I feel like I felt the day she told me. Doomed. It is going to happen and there is nothing I can do.

Her poor feet are sore from the chemo so I bought her some toe socks to wear with her sandals. For the first time, she looks bad. Her colouring is sallow, and she has some sores on her skin. She doesn't feel like eating, and this will be the first Thanksgiving where we haven't gotten together, or I haven't been anywhere. Excuse me for being a little self pitying, but I guess I am getting a sense of what life will be like with out her. Sure, I am a grown woman, with a husband, career, and all the things that make you an adult, but damnit. I wish it was me sometimes. I always thought I would go before her and I didn't think I could bear the pain of losing her. Sometimes I think there is still hope.

And then there is the shock of calmness.

And sleepiness.

All I want to do is sleep.

2001. A lovely time

Cha cha cha changes...

The road. I have lived here 20 something years and our main road is going from a little two lane to a four lane. I should have documented all the progress when it all started back in 2001. The little yellow farm house that went away, the smaller brick houses, the ice cream shop, the stream that had the little waterfalls, all of them are gone. I took some pictures of the old road right before our house, before it is no more.

So many things change. Our local mall that had only about seven stores at it's height plus a McAlpins (now Dillards) has been torn down to make way for a new open air, upscale shopping plaza. It is swanky looking. Even the Friday's where I used to work has gone all upscale. The 11 pieces of flair that we had to wear on our suspenders, with our goofy hats have been replaced with polos and black pants, no hats. That was about 6 years ago. Dh and I went in there last week for brunch, and they have gotten rid of all the "antiques" and the tiffany lamps, except for the large row boat. The new decor is dark, psuedo sophisticated, and trying WAY too hard. I dunno. Are they still going to be able to keep up the fambly friendly atmosphere? or are they going to be like they originally were, a fun BAR! Remains to be seen I guess.

Sometimes I feel like I can never leave this place. Other times, I feel like that is all I want to do. Start over somewhere. I can't ever see any other place as being my home though. This place isn't special, but it is where I have grown up. It is where all my beloved pets were, and where my step-dad died. It was the first house I ever lived in after living in apartments in my younger years. The first house that I lived in as a married woman. Soon we will have to make that decision. Buy this house, or sell it. I, of course, hope that decision isn't really soon. All the talk of wills and dividing up property. It sucks. I don't know how to live without my mother. Not that she runs my life or anything, but she has always been there. Like this house. Another change I guess.

Of death and things...

I told mom I would take care of her dog and cat. We discussed her will as much as I would let her, because she really shouldn't be discussing it with me now that she is talking to an attorney. Regardless, I just don't care about "stuff". The things that are priceless to me are mine, from her. My wedding dress. My seniour dinner dance dress, pictures, and memories. Of course I will care for her animals. They are not considered "stuff" though. I don't know how that will work in a small house, with two cats and a rat already, but we can make it work. No one will want to come over, but it isn't like we have a lot of people visit anyway. :D

It is hard to remember that she is sick sometimes. She seems so well. A year ago her prognosis was two years. So one year is already passed. Will this summer be it? But I have made plans already. She is going to help me learn to sew. We are going to start a project from start to finish.

It is ok to plan right? Of course it is. It is the only thing that will keep us going.

"I mean by a picture a beautiful romantic dream of something that never was, never will be - in a light better than any light that ever shone - in a land no one can define or remember, only desire - and from the forms divinely beautiful."
Sir Edward Burne-Jones

And so it is friday...

And so I have once again stayed late at school. This time I was playing around with silk screening. I have a lot to catch up on since I have forgotten how to do it. At least this time I was playing around in my room, organizing things, and enjoying myself. I really do like spending time there, and I thought to myself the other day, if I weren't married, I would be one of those work a holics.

I had to call in sick yesterday. I had been up all night with a bad stomach virus. Of course I got all stressed out about should I wait it out or call in. Back and forth ya know. Since I have to be at work so early, I went ahead and called in. I had just finished bragging to everyone that I never get sick. I even took the number of a highly recomended sub, and told her I probably wouldn't ever need her, but just in case... Could I find her number when I needed it? Of course not. So I got stuck with some old guy who tormented the children with his endless stories of marilyn monroe, and einstien, and how he met them. The kids told me he was a pathological liar. Oh well, at least they were happy to see me back. Funny as that is.

Cool artist blog

http://www.deletetheweb.com/unstuck/

Thought of the day...

Happiness comes in a package of beautiufully coloured sharpie ultra point markers, and pretty pastel file folders.

OY!

I know that I shouldn't do this, because it can always get worse, BUT, I am ready for this quarter to be over with. My fourth hour and seventh hour are a bunch of loons. One kid has not turned in any work. Detentions don't work, ISS doesn't work, NOTHING works. He just sits there. Lump. Fourth hour noone listens to me when I am giving instructions. They all are goofing off, and then they are trying to tear me in all directions for help when they start working. So I have resorted to sending out mass letters of bad behaviour reports, and detentions. Funny. They started paying attention. Fifth hour is fairly decent, when one child is not there, but when that poor soul shows up, the tension in the room is thick. Everyone is waiting for his outburst, and it is stressful as hell. Many kids in that class are Sped. and needy, They can wait for help or help each other though, while this other kid just brings in heavy negativity. He can't help it though. He came in today after being "gone" for a few days, and gave me a big hug. He has his own special seat that he is very happy with. He did very well today. I really feel sorry for him, but he is beyond my capabilities to help him. He needs one on one.

ON the bright side though, I am becoming Mrs. organization. I am ahead of the game and doing well. I am at the point where I love my job again, and look forward to going to work. I may have mentioned that already, but it is still going strong.

A bad grade...

I got twenty three points out of twenty five on my first project. Then I realised that I missed half of the assignment for the next project that was due tonight. I cried my eyes out, but my prof let me print out what I needed during the break so I was able to turn in the whole thing. Then I cried because of relief. The assignment was supposed to be turned in in the beginning of class, and because I didn't understand something, I am sure I will have points taken off.

It has been ten years since I have had less than a perfect score. 10 YEARS and 20 something classes ago. It is like being a recovering addict and falling off the wagon. I feel tired and useless now.

Oh to be this cat.

Some things to look forward to...

Let me see.

Sleep. Long sleepy winter nights in soft, brushed flannel cotton pajammas.
Hot coco
Chilly nights spent out by the fire pit.
Chamomile tea
The lights of the holiday season.
Painting. Bursts of uncontrollable creativity.

There are things that must be let out.

I am climbing up manic hill. No time for sleep in soft, brushed flannel cotton pah-jah-mahs.

Just a few quick thoughts.

Today I have gotten nearly caught up at school.
My heart has been racing.
I am on day one of recouping from my cold. You know it is three days coming, three days staying, and three days leaving.

My goal is to try and get everything finished tomorrow so there will be no worrying over the weekend. I also have a power point presentation due on Tuesday. I want to get that done tomorrow at the latest!

Survivour is on tonight. Have I tired of that show yet? Maybe this season.

Coming soon..

Autumn is a second spring when every leaf's a flower.

Today:

Sunrise:7:16
Sunset:7:52

I am ok with that. Really, I am.

One month...

Actually over a month since I have stopped smoking.

School is getting better, though I desperately need some serious down time.

I have a cold. I hate having colds.

The Hummingbirds seemed to have followed Mik when he went out of town on Tuesday. He came back, but they haven't. I will miss our little psycho bird. The one that kept comming up to the window everytime we opened it or tapped on the glass. The one that would swoop past us and chase all the other birds away.
The trees are tired. The green has given way to that grey green colour. You can tell change is coming.
The days are shorter. I am not sure why, but now I am actually looking forward to fall and winter. I guess because I am finally in some kind of structured routine. This summer was not really a great summer. I was too unstructured, spent too much time on line, and really can't remember anything productive that I did other than painting the kitchen, which looks fabu!

Four years since 911. It seems distant. Though I will never forget where I was when it happened, I am glad that the rawness of it has gone away. Maybe because Katrina has taken its place right now. I don't know.

Of angels and peaches...

I went to the store today to stock up on food since we are down to the barest condiments. Once again I failed to remember to check out other people's carts, but it was so damn crowded that I didn't have the time between dodging carts and displays. WHY oh WHY did they have a gargantuous banana display blocking half an aisle? It wasn't even in the produce department. It was in the potted meat aisle or something ridiculous. I can even see it being in the cereal aisle, but COME ON! Anyway, it is amazing how much better you feel when your house is full of food. They were having great sales on things like frozen veggies, frozen dinners, yogurt, and ribeyes were only 4.99! So I stocked up on some things and food savered them for the freezer. OVer all I spent about 131.00, but I had a TON of stuff.

Peaches. I have bought peaches at Krogers but they are always california peaches. Cali Peaches SUCK. So I have wound up tossing them up our hill into the green space for the wild animals to enjoy. I went to mom's house today and picked up some of the peaches that they have grown. THAT is what a peach should be. They aren't even fully ripe yet, and are still better than the CAli peaches.

Mom and I got to talking about angels. She thinks she saw one. She actually had her in her car and gave her a lift to her home area. Mom explained that she was distorted and using metal crutches to walk. Her legs were very short and deformed and her body was normal like ours, kind of a dwarf. She said she had only a couple of teeth on the top and bottom of her mouth, but she left mom with a peaceful good feeling. I know what she means. I have two people that I believe are angels that I see in some of the oddest places. One is an old lady with black hair in a cleopatra bob style. She is always wearing bright clothes, especially blues, and ALWAYS wearing a blue baret. The other is a man in his 40s or fifties. He also wears bright colours. I never thought of it, but maybe the bright colours are symbolic of the arts. Anyway, nothing miraculous ever happens when I see them or anything, it is just that I am left with a euphoric and peaceful feeling. It is weird in a way that I can't explain. I have only seen the man about 3 times, but I haven't seen him in a long time. The woman I have seen about 5 times, the last time about a year ago.

Even if I don't see them again, it is at least nice to be reminded of them.

We have a new addition...

Snickers. Grey hooded rattie. She is very laid back, friendly, cute as a button. Right now she is lying in her little wooden "house" with her chin resting on the window, watching me. I am sure she and I will become good friends, but right now she is getting used to her new surroundings. again. She has gone from pet store to little girl's house, to a teacher's house (whose husband LOVED her), to a classroom, and now to my house.

I went out tonight with the gang. The first time they have seen my hair since I have gotten it cut and went dark. Everyone seems to like it.

A boy at school blurted out that I was pretty. The thing is, he is a seventh grader, and not a special ed student. As sweet as it was, I felt a little creeped out, and was deeply embarrassed.

My mother's health...

Two months off of chemo, and her spot on her lung has grown some. She claims it isn't too bad, and she feels fine, but that is how she is. She says if you want to pity someone, pity those in NO. Sure I pity them, and I don't pity my mother, but she is close to me, not some random stranger. It isn't pity, it is fear, sadness, worry.

I can't control what is going to happen. I have to keep telling myself that. Enjoy what you have. Be thankful. Use your time wisely with loved ones.
It is so useless to wish for the past.

Pranks and crayons and smells.

I have an old book from my seniour show in 1996. It has signatures in it from all the friends, family and classmates who attended. I pulled it out because I wanted to put a quote in it from Leonardo Da Vinci and I opened to a page in the middle. There was written K......You SUCK! Big DICKS! Love mom. IT has been a long couple of weeks and that topper was just something not needed. I think I remember seeing the prank before and maybe laughing at it. Today I ripped it out. Today it just wasn't funny.

Should I add that gas was $3.09 today? I shouldn't, because it depresses me so, but it is history in the making.
Things that are good...
Still not smoking
A metal box of Caran D'Ache water soluable crayons, that have barely been used. They smell old, like a mildewy old house with creaky floors. It is one of the quirky smells that I like. It reminds me of the home that I never saw, never lived in.
Things are getting clearer at school. Really, there is very little difference between teaching small children and middle school kids. Except the nose picking.

I will be fine. I will be fine. I will be fine.

When the Spirit does not work with the hand, there is no art.

~Leonardo Da vinci!

Happy thoughts?

What are they today?

Well, I guess I can be happy that my cholesterol was good. Blood sugar normal, girly parts in good working order. Thyroid numbers or whatever was a little low and need to be retested. A little isn't really bad though right?

In Computer class, I learned some silly little things that I should know, but I didn't, about word processing. I feel a little more at ease since there are people there that know less than I do.

My thoughts are with the people along the Gulf coast. I hope a full recovery will be quick and easy. How sad on the news that they showed a seal trapped inland. I don't know if he came from an aquarium or what, but the poor thing was in bad shape. They had to kill him because there was no place to put him or care for him. :( :(

God help me...

I think I had my first panic attack. It was Wednesday, and I felt for sure that I would not wake to see the morning as my heart was beating so fast. I was shakey and dizzy, and I cried all night. Poor M didn't know what to do so he went out and bought the universal calmer, ice cream. My world was truly crashing around me and I couldn't talk myself out of it. The feeling isn't with me as much, but I am not all there yet. I keep telling myself that it is just the change of things, and hormones, but I just can't shake it. I have never been this bad. I feel almost paralyzed.

But I am not smoking.

Positive things to think about...

I haven't seen one child pick their nose

the kids all know how to hold and use scissors, glue, hold a pencil etc.

They can be REALLY funny. I like them, even when they are turds.

Funny psycho hummingbirds that fly at our windows when we open the blinds.

A warm fuzzy lap kitty.

chamomile tea.

A few thoughts on Art.

A painting that belonged to R ic (dad). It was one of my favourites. Seems he had an eye for art, but claims not to have had the talent. The artist's name is Dino Valls. There was another painting I liked but didn't snap a picture of, by an artist named Santiago Carbonell. Funny that we went around snapping pictures of the house and all the artwork when no one was looking.

Dad had several Richard MacDonald bronze sculptures throughout his home. A few were beautiful, but they were too much of the perfect female form and the perfect male form. Perfection becomes boring. Cliche. The dancer that can be found on this pagehttp://www.artviewcarmel.com/galleries/display_listings.php is one that he owned. I think it was his favourite.

Well hell....

I forgot some very important information with my last few posts.

I quit smoking way back on August 11th. The first few days were hell, but I have forgotten all about smoking except for a few fleeting moments of anxiety. The real test will be when I get together with the gang on the First Thursday bar meeting, but I will rarely be able to make those anyway with school kicking my ass. September's First Thursday meeting has been moved to Friday. Reads like a Jay Leno Headline, no?

Songs

ANNA NALICK LYRICS"Breathe (2 AM)"

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?, I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason'

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe,

In May he turn 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
Just today he sat down to the flask in his fist,
"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year.
"Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him.
Maybe I'll just sing about it.

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.No one can find the rewind button, boys,So cradle your head in your hands,

And breathe... just breathe,


There's a light at each end of this tunnel, You shout
'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made,
you'll just make them againIf you only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowdCause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

But you can't jump the track,
we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button nowSing it if you understand.

and breathe,
just breathe
woah breathe,
just breathe,
oh breathe,
just breathe.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHH!

School starts on Monday, and my class starts on Tuesday.
I am not ready, but I am to the point where I am so not ready that I am actually ready for anything. I have essentially gone on auto pilot. It happens sometimes with me. I swear to god I shut down and another being takes over for a few weeks or sometimes even months. When I am finally back in charge from my "missed time" it is like Christmas or something and a whole new stress takes over. I kind of like when the big stressed hit though or the little ones build up enough to create the auto pilot person to take over.

I don't know who she is, this autopilot.

A few frightening thoughts:

I made a mistake in leaving my former school

It will be the first week of school next week, and guess what else it will be the first day for? Something that makes you happy sappy and weepy one minute, unexplainably euphoric the next minute, and a raging bitch a nano second after. Understand now? Like I said, frightening.

A few shots of the place that was almost like my second home for a year and a half. It was a different world. To be sure of that.

It will be three years soon...

I will speak of him someday soon..

A few of my favourite flowers. Portulacas. This picture is a few years old, and even though they aren't supposed to come back year after year, they do anyway. I am lucky like that.

Hummingbird come lately..

We changed the hummingbird feeder and placed it closer to the house. Finally we have some action. Sadly so late in the season. The grasses are all brown in the late summer drought. It even looks like fall.

I am two days not smoking. I feel tired. sad. jumping out of my skin. This too shall pass. blah blah blah.

I have to go to the doctors tomorrow for my annual check up. She will yell at me for not having my bloodtests last year and for skipping the Mammogram. I do promise to have them done this year.

Peter Jennings and stuff

So he died last night. I immediately thought of my mother. Not that I wasn't sad for him, but you know, it hits home. I went to see her today. She is in good spirits and still convinced she will be around for a long time.

"did you hear about Peter Jennings?" she asks. Yes I tell her. I can't believe how quickly he went.
"Well, he had the Small Cell cancer" I don't have that. And then we speak of other things such as me being ready for school, the cats, gardening, Belle (her big German Shep) and other fun topics.

I went to my old school today to see if my replacement was there. I wanted to introduce myself and see if she needed any help with organizing, or if she had any questions. She will be in London until the day before school starts. I do want to work closely with her since I will have all her students. I need to make sure she keeps them learned.

Yesterday I went shopping and finally got a pair of pointed shoes. They are Steve Maddens Black denim with a sequened rose on one side and a small kitten heel. TOO cute. I know that the pointed toe is probably going out of style by now, but I always have to be a year behind so that I can afford it. They were only 16.99. I also found a pair of SM slip ons at the thrift store for 3.00! They are brand new. Maybe worn once (they were sprayed with disinfectant and anti fungal spray).

I also hopped on the tunic wagon. I bought three shirts that have the loose angel like sleeves, Empire waist, long assymetrical hem. One is beaded but very low cut so I bought a darling little spaghetti strap tank in green crinkle silk with sequens at the top of it. I felt so pretty. I have decided to dress up more. I am tired of dressing slouchy because I am over weight and waiting to buy "good" clothes in a smaller size. I already have good clothes in smaller sizes, albeit out of style now, or close to it. I will get on the ball though. Lose weight, and stop smoking. I need a whole health overhaul.

My mother

This is mom. Beautiful no? She was about 15 years old and the drawing was taken from one of those photo booth picture takers. She often liked to dress up and go Vamping for the camera. Each picture was a different character. Her life has been like that as well. There is so much I will never know about her, and the things I do know about her give a feeling of saddness, struggle, strength, and anger.

Last July she was diagnosed with Lung cancer. It is advanced, and no cure for her. We all accept it and live day to day. I fight some of the feelings I have about her recently, but I won't get into that right now. Relationships with moms are complex, no matter how much you look up to them. In April her scan showed that a spot on her lung had decreased in size, and in June she was given a two month haitus from treatments. We are hoping the vaccation she has had has not caused anything to spread.

Enough about that though. I can only speak of the sickness in small doses.

This is a drawing I did this year. I entered it in an art show, but it was not accepted. No biggie. I later entered a drawing of my mother and it was accepted.