mind clutter?

I wonder sometimes, should I keep this journal, along with all the other journals I have kept throughout the years? Sure, they are filled with sweet thoughts of love, hopes, and dreams that have come true, and those who have yet to be realised. Then there are the entries of pain and anger. Some are incredibly bitter. Do I want to hold on to that person? Should she be kept there for rememberance sake? as a reminder of what I am capable of so I am not suprised that I can be that vicious or so that I can see that I have come so far? I am not ready to part with them yet.

To switch gears, I ran into a friend of Mike's today. Of course I am looking like hell with no make up on, bloated and fat as hell. This guy, K, hadn't seen Mike except once in 2 years he said. We talked a little about how Mike just up and left with so little warning. He told me Mike had done the same to his sister and that was pretty much what Mike was all about. I am better off, I know. I wonder what my life would have been like had I not met Mike. I think it has actually been ok. There are a lot of opportunities that I have had because of him when I really think about it so all was not wasted.

My allergies are in high gear right now. Seems early, but maybe they will be gone early too? I hope. I bought an extention cord for the hedge trimmer today and I trimmed up the bushes around the house. They're pretty goofy looking. I finally figured out how to get the weed eater started and then the string was done. Now I can't get the knob off to change out the string, nor could my neighbour. I will take it to the Home Depot and see if they can fix it for me. I would like to get an electric one because of enviornmental concerns and cost. They're also lighter weight and I don't want all that gas stored in my garage.

Only three more days of state testing and then it will be all down hill at school. I will be working the summer fair the last weekend in may/1st of june! I am excited about that.

No Truer words...

Today's Gemini Horoscope: Apr 20, 2008
If you analyze your life, you will see that it has completely changed over the past twelve months, dear Gemini. You have matured as an individual, and your actions have only been beneficial to yourself and those around you. Try to make changes as often as you can. You can't stop now! You need to feel that your life is evolving all the time. There is no time to rest! More...

another good bye...

I think it is.
There's been no contact or return of text messages or emails or phone calls. No effort in this early stage so I believe it is done. He lost that lovin' feelin' whoa that lovin' feelin'. It makes me sad. It also takes off pressure of the distance and figuring out how that was going to work. It could have worked if we wanted it bad enough. The thing is, now I am afraid I am going to lose all the wonderful inpiration I got from knowing him. Maybe I really didn't fall for him. Maybe I fell for his style. I dunno. He was like I would like to be. Now that I am rejected though I have my doubts about whether or not I am supposed to fit that life. Why do I need someone else to change? I am not a chameleon. I am myself. I need to learn to be myself.

Today is...

an anxious day
a mild day
a venting day
a wild day
a boring workout day
a sore day
a tired day
a nostalgic bittersweet day

Today's Gemini Horoscope: Mar 30, 2008
Things should go especially well for you today, dear Gemini, so don't worry about a thing. Life doesn't necessarily get easier as you get older; you just learn to deal with things better. You will find this to be true right now, as your incredible sensitivity and wisdom is making it possible for you to attain a greater perspective, and realize that things are much better than you may have first thought. More...

I just got back from a wonderful weekend with a very special person. 150 miles away. I hope this horoscope is in reference to how to cope with distance and that things are maybe going to get better in that department. He's the best thing that has come about in a long time so is 150 miles really that much of an issue?

What I have learned...

With thoughts of running off to another state to be with the one who was meant for me, I have learned that I need to let go of a lot of stuff. I am too attached to my things and that is a terrifying thought that someday I would have to let go of them. Weird because so very few of these things actually belong to me. My computer, my original bedroom set, my mattress, my artwork, my flatwear, dishes, and a few house hold items are all that I really *OWN*. The rest is hand me down stuff, stuff that mike and I bought together (that I really didn't want anyway), stuff that was bought after we married.

I am having serious doubts that things would work out with this man living in another state. I think there has been much harm in expressing our doubts to each other that we've killed any blossoming future. Aborted it before it could even get to the quickening stage. What I have learned though, is that the future is so very uncertain. I learned that in the most devastating way the last year and a half, however, I now realise that in the most potentially positive ways, the future can also change. It might not happen this time around, but who knows what lies ahead? The more stuff you have tying you down though, the less opportunity you have to move forward. I have to learn to be free of stuff. Free of the past, free of anxiety. I need to put it in action.

I don't have time...

I don't have time for doubt
I don't have time for pain
I don't have time for crying
I don't have time for love.

More pictures of colours and light.

Colours and fleeting light

So the paint job is circa late 80s to early 90s.
You know, the sponge paint fad that was often done very badly. My mom
did this peach colour sponge first. I guess it was 1988. The living
room was done in bright peach too. She later went over the peach with teals
and sea green and the living room was painted a deep rich peacocck green.
I remember spending hours in that dark green room feeling so depressed and
sad. So I painted everything white. I did keep the sponge painted
dining room though. It was done well and it reminded me of New
Orleans. Today there was a moment of sunshine that shone through. It
was beautiful and I know I have seen this in many forms before, some more
beautiful than this. I always think this is the last time I will ever see
such beauty of light. Just like I always look for rainbows after a
storm or in the spring time, I try to soak in as much of the bright spring green
grass and leaves after a storm that my eyes will take. I know that
there will be more beautiful things to see. Some will take my breath away
and some will never compare to what I have in the past seen. I look forward to
it all nonetheless.

SQUEEEEEEEEEEE! I did it!! Two things, captured my cat with her tongue sticking out (god I love when they do that) AND figured out how to use my camera and upload all by myself. Ok, shuddup anyone who might be reading this and thinking what's the big deal. I am not techno gifted, so the baby steps are huge for me.

Your Lovescope - Today, March 1, 2008
Your social life could really blossom with the alignment of the planets today, which will present chances you could not have imagined coming to you could suddenly be discovered right on your doorstep. Don't pass an opportunity by just because it doesn't appear the way you think it should. Love comes in many surprising packages and cannot be determined by looks alone. Allow the bizarre and unusual to move you.

Today's Gemini Horoscope: Mar 01, 2008
Today you might find yourself hosting an impromptu social event, dear Gemini, and more people could show up than you'd initially counted on. Don't worry about it, however. The party should be enjoyable for everyone even if the place is a bit crowded, and your visitors are apt to look out for themselves. Among the unexpected guests might be an attractive, interesting person who might shape up to be a potential love partner. Relax and enjoy your day.

sigh. But tomorrow is the day that I meet my (at least on the phone) soul mate for the first time.

I got a new camera yesterday. I am stoked. I have to figure out how to upload the pics on the puter.

Today's Gemini Horoscope: Feb 22, 2008
Take advantage of the lighthearted, flighty feeling of the day, instead of getting annoyed by it, dear Gemini. You can't stay hiding in your bedroom forever. Well, you could, but basically you will end up rotting away and no one would even notice. This is a good day for you to get out and have fun with friends. Make life-wishes for people instead of cursing them. Make connections, and remember to laugh a great deal.

Well, I can't get out today because the weather is really bad, but at least the bolded is being done. I no longer feel the need to curse him or at least I feel less of a need.

I am trying to clean out my old office. I still don't know what to do with it. Make it a craft room? Make it another guest room? I don't know. If I become a foster parent, maybe then I will have more direction for it. I suppose right now it is ok just to make it a clean craft storage room. I want to clean a lot of stuff out so I don't have to have storage. I am doing well at that, but this summer, I really would like to have a yard sale. Some of this stuff I just really hate to throw out. I am also going to try and get rid of my kitchen table set...I hate it, and maybe the furniture. I need to get to budgeting again. I did really well, but then I feel like I have been spending on non-essentials too much. One thing I really do want though is a new digital camera.

Sigh...

I have strep. I have had a sore throat since last Tuesday night. It had seemed to get better and I had the school nurse look at it yesterday and she seemed unconcerned. I began to run a slight fever again yesterday and it felt like I swallowed a cactus. So, I went to the urgent care clinic and was officially diagnosed with my first case of strep ever. Luckily it is mild and i only need a light antibiotic. I have been in and out of feverishness throughout the day. We also had a snow day so that was a lucky break even though I am so finished with the snow, feeling bad, etc.

To top it all off, the guy that I had talked to on the phone Friday, informed me that he thinks he met his match on Saturday and he was interested in persuing this. I don't know if I had written about him or not, but he winked at me in early dec. on match. I wasn't sure if I was interested so I ignored. Come around January I had been on a couple of dates so I emailed him a Happy new Year email. Nothing really came of it. In Early Feb or Late jan. I emailed him again and asked how the dating thing was going for him.. We joked about how we'd both had many first dates but nothing seemed to be sticking. We tried to set a few things up but he got sick or the timing was off. So he called Friday and was very easy to talk to. Of course I was ill then so no plans could be made to do anything and I knew he had this date on Sat. anyway.

I don't know why, but I cried when I got his email of rejection. He is only recently separated/divorced, as in less than a year, and seems very eager to get into a relationship,. That should send warning signs. Oh, and this is going to be really really shallow, but he had a "bird clock" hanging on his wall, and a few kind of cutesie knick knacks around. Kind of that Walmart country decor.

Yes, I want someone. I want to have that sense of belonging again and feel romantic and loved, and secure. But am I thinking of settling? Are my expectations too high?

Now, david...The semi long distance contact...I wonder if there is anything there besides the physical. Hell, I haven't even seen him in person yet but physically, sexually, it is ON! There is hardly any conversation on the phone though. I am thinking he might just be in it for the sex. Completely not what I want.

another lonely and depressing day.

A change is what I needed. I got my hair cut last night, coloured it a burgandy colour (it's temporary until I can get my niece to colour it), I dressed up and went out. Only for a short period of time. My throat has been hurting so I did not see my internet buddy this weekend. We did "talk" over IM and webcam.

Today I got an email from an old friend, George. I was in love with him when I was a mere 19 years old and he 29. I had googled him and wrote to him. I don't know why. I know he called me a few years back. Mike had answered the phone and didn't take a message. George said in his email that he didn't want to cause problems so he never called back. He married in 2000. He sent a picture of his family. Very lovely and somewhat depressing. Not because I still love him...But maybe because I am simply alone and everyone seems to have someone. I still occasionally feel that pang that I missed out on having kids. I have no idea why I feel that way. My tubes tied themselves several times today while walking through the mall. It is just about that feeling I guess. That sense of belonging. the sense of family that I don't have. Maybe it is that I want to BE a kid again. I dunno. Yeah. I am having a lonely day today.

Happy Valentines day....

Update: I have had another first date (last Sunday) It wasn't a hit.

I got a piece of mail for Mike Dated Feb 5th, and I opened it thinking it was junk. It was from his retirement account and it was addressed to the both of us so it really doessn't count as snooping. Most times I just throw them away but this time I decided to open it (there were two). Both were to confirm address changes from my address here (one just had his name on it so I assume he told them that I needed to be taken off). Instead of listing the address he has with Gina in her new condo though, it lists a NEW address in another county. Hmmmm. I wonder if he has moved away from her or if they bought a house together. Funny, he always said he would never buy a house in this address area because of the traffic. I know there was a guy he worked with (in that county) who wanted Mike to rent his home while he lived in Fla. but when I did a reverse search on the addy, it doesn't even come up. I dunno. I can't imagine Gina moving from another state to here just to have to sell again. Plus, their condo had three bedrooms so it isn't like it was tiny in case they're expecting (which wouldn't surprise me). So he has moved three times in a year.

When I got the letter, I was crushed. It was yet another sign of my life seemingly being out of control. I didn't know what this man was doing after 10 years of having that right to know. Does that make sense? I cried all day...again. I don't know why it upset me so much. It didn't even occur to me that it could mean they aren;t together anymore. It was last Sunday after my who knows how many first date failures, that I was driving home and an overwhelming sense of peace and forgiveness toward him came over me. I don't know how to explain it. Usually after a date flop I get all emotional again, longing for that companionship and security that I thought I once had. This time I didn't. When I realized that he may have broken up with her, I didn't have that smug satisfaction. I felt kind of bad and sorry for him. I was almost tempted to call him and let him know that he was forgiven. I didn't. Maybe partly because I didn't want it to be seen as a weakness in that I was desperate to have him back. Maybe because I didn't think he really deserved to know. It was a quiet forgiveness for me. I have the address. I haven't had the urge to drive by and check things out. I only drove by the gina house once when I found out. Maybe I am getting better.

I am writing a guy who about an hour away. We do IM with the web cam. He's into art and makes a living as an artist. He is very cute by my standards...Actually my dream guy physically. We're supposed to meet this weekend though i don't think I can make it. We've had two snow days and I took a day off work because I was ill. There is a lot of catching up to do but then again, i just forgot we have a three day weekend. Maybe I CAN afterall.

I renewed my gym membership for a whole year this time. I can't believe six months has already nearly come to pass. We only have about 13 weeks of school left. Wow!. I have cabin fever and a little bit of Spring fever right now. Overall, life is good.

Separation anxiety...

So it is finally manifesting in my dreams. In the last two months I have dreamed about my mother. Two right before christmas and one last night. In the first dream it was a revisitation of her announcing she was sick. For some reason she was moving back with me and I had to prepare for that. I remember in my dream thinking OMG, I have to go through all of this losing her again and all the pain. I must have been in that half awake half asleep state because I was conscious enough to realize she was dead already but out of it enough to still be real.

The second dream I had involved her moving away and not leaving a forwarding address. Again, I felt so alone, empty and incredibly sad. For some reason half way through the dream it became Roxanne (my sister) that left. In some ways that was even worse.

Last night was interesting. Mom and Nick were both alive and moving out of the house because they had bought a really nice house close by. I was packing my stuff....It was a bunch of looose and small things that I was stuffing into various containers that didn't have lids, or the bags were too flimsy to hold it. I remember being at risk of all of the things I packed being spilled onto the floor and scattering all over. Midway through my packing ordeal I realized I had bought this house and that i was happy to live here. I did not want to go with them and was relieved. There was still a part of me that was sad to see them go but the overall feeling of the dream was one of peace.

I remember having dreams of Nick after he died. There was one where he was going away for good. I don't remember dreaming of him again after that. I don't want my mom to go away. I don't feel her here though. I haven't since shortly after her death. Maybe this is her way of telling me that she is still here. I don't know. Maybe she is telling me that I will be ok, suck it up and deal with life.

from post secret today...

an old photograph of two newly married people. On it the words read

Today I realized I could no longer remember what you were like when you still loved me.

How lucky that person is to not remember. I wish there was a medical procedure that could erase so much of my memories right now.

horoscope for january 14, 2008

Try to come to a place of serenity today, dear Gemini, in which you free yourself from desire and jealousy. It is important that you take time to recognize the incredible growth that can spring forth from this position of calm and pure satisfaction. Rid yourself of excess baggage that you cling to as some sort of support or means of comfort. The less you carry, the more you free up your arms to create.

And this is exactly what I realized yesterday when I did a reverse search and found Gina's last name. Why? Why did I do it? I kind of remember what she looks like from the time I met her at Frank and Kari's. If it is the one I am thinking of. And if it IS, she wasn't all that. Still, there is a part of me that is wondering what does she have that I don't have? THAT is the baggage that I need to rid myself of. I know what she has now and I realise that I am better off without it.

I also freed myself from the dating service. I feel as though I am hooked to it and waiting for something to happen. I am seeing a great guy. He is stable, kind, FUN, caring, great kisser, positive, has a close relationship with his family and values that, and just about perfect. Just about. Why not let things develop? Why keep waiting for perfection or something to happen? It isn't. everyone knows that.

my wishes today

Today I wish

1. To experience beauty.
2. To know what it is like to love again.
3. To know what it is like to not fear again.
4. To know what it is like to trust again.
5. To have a fleece shirt that feels that brand new softness everytime you put it on instead of that clumping texture it gets.
6. For continued inspiration in productivity in my personal life.
7. For the health and well being of those that I love.

Today's Gemini Horoscope for Jan 10, 2008
In all your time spent trying to stabilize your emotions and achieve sensitivity, you may be getting too caught up in your feelings, dear Gemini. Because of this you may have not been listening to your rational mind at all lately, even though it is crying out for you to get on with things and move forward into a different situation than the one you are in now. Take some time to listen to your mind and take it a bit more seriously than you have been. More...