Days of the week...

My favourite days are:
Thursday, because you can go out and moderately party because you know tomorrow is
Friday: once your day is done, you know that you have two full days ahead of you. You can stay up late because you can sleep in tomorrow on
Saturday. Saturday is the one superday you have. You don't have to fret about working the next day and you aren't tired from a day of work.

The days I least like:

Sunday. A day that may as well be called Monday Eve. I probably dislike this day the most. I try to cram all the work I have been putting off to this day. I have work anxiety for the next day.
Monday is just the start of the work week. At least it is started and once the day begins it is pretty much over.
Tuesday, the most boring day. Nothing so special about it and I almost pity it's lonely existance. It is quiet, unassuming and a nice transition into the middle of the week

Wednesday, which should begin the days that I like most. At the top of the climb and looking to the other side.

So, only three days out of the 7 that I dislike. Really only 2 since Tuesday is a kind of ghost of a day.

Bird Ladies.

I am still alive

Thoughts for today:

I love my job. It is the second quarter and the kids are really good or I am just better this year.

I bought some new gel pens.

The cold has now gone to my core. It is at the point where I will not get warm until Mid April. I have all of the times, sunrise and sunset printed out. Today I went through and counted how many hours of daylight will be each day. I watch it dwindle but the good news is that this year is going so fast that the days will be getting longer soon. Come May things will be good. I think. I have set aside that time to crash emotionally, physically, whatever I need. I don't know if that will be a good thing or not. Maybe there will be too much of a let down and I will go insane. We'll cut through that forest when we come to it.

I will take time each day to create something memorable if only to myself.

Remember the green room
Remember the black and white checker tiled floor.
Remember the red velvet and the blue moon with the quiet tinkling of music in the distance.

These are Places. I was there, I swear.

Fall is coming

Everyone is a twitter with the coming of fall. I hear people exclaim how they LOVE autumn. The leaves (ok, those are pretty) the cool weather, foot ball, slower pace, school, yadda yadda yaddah. I hate it. I have already started my countdown until the days start getting longer. It used to be the winter was so horrible but not anymore. June 21st or whatever Summer solstice is, is the worst day of the year because you know you are on the down swing. Winter solstice brings hope. It is the last of the darkness coming out of the tunnel. Sure, it is slow but everyday I count the minutes.

I am also pissed off because my summer was marked by saddness and pain (two trips to the emergency room that I could have just simply done without. Thank you very much stress and middle age.

Well, I did get to see Cirque du Soleil. My husband bought four VIP tickets last May. We were absolute dead center and dead front. We could see the performers sweating and making eye contact (the eye contact was a little unnerving). My sister and brother in law went with us. It was the most fabulous thing I think I have ever seen. We are now planning to see them in Vegas sometime in the near future.

Things I look forward to:
Next summer when all the above bullshit is well underway (except for our school situation. I hope it improves)
I am getting a kiln this year at school. I can't wait to do clay.

And she is gone...

Mom died Thursday July 20, 2006 and was buried yesterday on the 24th.

I am fine with it, as I mourned her the day she told me she had cancer way back on the 11th of July 2004 after we had gotten back from California. I remember that day as if it were yesterday, but at the same time yesterday, the day of the funeral, seems so far gone.

Things I will be grateful for:
Mom was able to be independant up until last week for the most part.
Mom will never be old and fragile
Mom's mind was still very much in tact
Friends and family pulled together to make her farewell fabulous.

I thought I would be all cried out, but there has been so little crying. Everyone tells me it hasn't sunk in yet. That I am in shock. I should be crying. My mom was the most important person to me. Even moreso than my husband, but I just don't feel that sad. There was no guilt in taking her off life support. No guilt in not saying I loved her enough. No guilt for even getting angry with her sometimes in these last two years. She knows how I feel about her. She knows.

Stuff and stuff

To keep track

Saturday I took mom's dog to the vet because there is no way she can handle a giant ill trained german Shepard. My arm is still sore.

Sunday (mother's day) the sisters and I got together at mom's house because she wanted us to go through the things she has and sort out what goes where when she dies. I could tell my sis Rox had been crying that day. We don't cry in front of mother though. We managed some laughs actually laughing so hard that I cried. Probably because that is what I really wanted to do. I cry when I type this out because that is the time that I can get it all out. I am amazed at just how much this actually physically hurts my heart, my throat, every part of my body. I miss my mom so much and she is still here. I hate this so much that I want to hurt something/ someone, but at the same time anyone else's pain makes me sad for them too. I just want everyone and everything to be ok. I feel cowardly because I wish it were me so I didn't have to watch them suffer.

I am angry and I am hateful today. I hope it will pass again soon.

How many more days?

Less than a month
16 more days with students


Update

mom: The bad days are more than the good days, but she is still hanging in there.

April 13th I find out I have a nephew that is three months old. That same phone call from my mother, I find out he has died of crib death. I can't imagine going on about your day thinking all is well with your loved ones, only to return having your world turned upside down. I can somewhat related. The same thing happend when my step father passed away, but I will say that with kids it is different. There is the guilt issue. They are supposed to be cared for by you and I can imagine that is a tough one to get through. Not that it was anyone's fault. He was a beautiful healthy baby (named after my step father) from what I could see of the pictures of him anyway.

The funeral was tough. Not because this child died necessarily. I didn't know him. It was tough to see all of the relatives who have grown so distant. It was tough because the burial was right next to my step father's grave in which my mother's headstone also lies. Sobering. Years ago it seemed so far away that it was unimaginable to lose my mother. Now? not so much.