Sunday, August 30, 2009
I have to admit it....
I have fallen in love with the colour blue again. Prussian blue has long been a favourite but I have always had an aversion to Royal blue, UK blue, and baby blue. Lately I like lighter shades such as a steely grey blue...cadet blue in a box of crayons. Perwinkle...more of a purplish blue, cornflower, and sometimes a greyed down aqua blue, very light. Accented with cream and white it is very peaceful, calm and soothing. In Lexington I saw several adorable light aqua houses that are etched in my mind. They were unique houses in their own right, but all the more unique because of their sweet colours. If I ever go back, I will be sure to take a camera.
Thursday, August 06, 2009
Saturday, June 27, 2009
On the road again
I bought new bedroom furniture and it was delivered yesterday. I like it though it is hard to get used to having all new stuff. It hasn't become a part of me or my life yet and I feel like I am in a hotel room. I suppose one thing I don't really do is get bored with stuff. I get emotionally attached. This is furniture I had when I was a kid...This was furniture I had when I was married...Now it is new furniture for a new life.
I am still faking it til I make it, which is the newest buzz phrase in the last year. It's working. I am not sure this summer will be as grand as last year but I am doing everything I can to make it so. I am going to start today believing that it is going to be even better. Why shouldn't it be? We have no drought like the last two years, my basement is water proofed,and I have made improvements in the home, on my physical well being, and my social well being. I have accomplished more in the 2.5 years of being alone than I have in the last 5 years or so. I am on the road to happiness and fulfillment, love and spirit.
I am still faking it til I make it, which is the newest buzz phrase in the last year. It's working. I am not sure this summer will be as grand as last year but I am doing everything I can to make it so. I am going to start today believing that it is going to be even better. Why shouldn't it be? We have no drought like the last two years, my basement is water proofed,and I have made improvements in the home, on my physical well being, and my social well being. I have accomplished more in the 2.5 years of being alone than I have in the last 5 years or so. I am on the road to happiness and fulfillment, love and spirit.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Set backs....
I don't know why I do this to myself. I wanted to know what she looked like so I occasionally would check to see if she had a facebook account or if he would. It was June 13th and I was out of school so I checked again. This time I found her. Her last name was the same as mine and there was a baby in her avatar. There were only about 4 pics of them together. The next day I looked again and she had posted more. Their baby,____________ was 4 months old it read. There was a picture of him holding his baby which looks exactly like him. I did the math and it appears they got pregnant about 6 months after our divorce was final.
They live in a large house (I assume...I have never seen it). I looked it up on the property values and it was like a 250k+ house so I assume it is pretty swanky. From what i can see in the pictures, it looks like they have a hot tub, and it is nicely decorated like a show place. I imagine it is much like Frank and Kari's.
I had dinner with a mutual friend. She told me she's not met his new wife and that Mike has invited her over to see the house. He knows she does not like him and her husband is good friends with Mike. I am glad they still accept me. Well, she chose me over him :).
How do I feel about all this? Broken. Why?
1. Those were things that were promised to me.
2. He would not be where he is today if not for the generosity of my mother and the patience of myself to allow him to follow his dreams. If anyone reads this, I want everyone to know this.
3. I still believe he took money from me and I know I spent 2000. on his health insurance while he was shacked up with her. He said he would pay me that back but he never did.
4. He has nothing I want, but I simply can't understand how you can claim to love someone, always love them, and one day out of the blue just walk away.
What will I do?
1. I will keep telling myself that I AM worthy of loving.
2. I will keep setting goals and reaching them even though at this moment I feel like I am back to the day I wrote about on July 28th 2007 and I am somewhat paralyzed with grief all over again. I start out small again and I am already doing that.
3. I will build relationships with people.
4. I will be proud of myself and reward myself.
5. I will have faith that there is something wonderful that God, in whatever form you believe, has planned for me.
The upside. She's not a super model as I had pictured her to be. While not ugly, she's just average. My friend said they're way over mortgaged AND, she got pregnant before they were married. I am sure he wanted it that way so that he could be a passive participant in the father/husband role. Not that I don't think he will be a decent enough father, but a few years down the road, I wonder how their story will play out. Selfishness, greed, and a scary economy can lead to a lot of stress. Then again, maybe he's changed for them and they'll be just fine. I can't decide if I want to see them succeed, or if I want revenge. I should just concentrate on what I want for myself. I want to succeed!and be healthy and happy
They live in a large house (I assume...I have never seen it). I looked it up on the property values and it was like a 250k+ house so I assume it is pretty swanky. From what i can see in the pictures, it looks like they have a hot tub, and it is nicely decorated like a show place. I imagine it is much like Frank and Kari's.
I had dinner with a mutual friend. She told me she's not met his new wife and that Mike has invited her over to see the house. He knows she does not like him and her husband is good friends with Mike. I am glad they still accept me. Well, she chose me over him :).
How do I feel about all this? Broken. Why?
1. Those were things that were promised to me.
2. He would not be where he is today if not for the generosity of my mother and the patience of myself to allow him to follow his dreams. If anyone reads this, I want everyone to know this.
3. I still believe he took money from me and I know I spent 2000. on his health insurance while he was shacked up with her. He said he would pay me that back but he never did.
4. He has nothing I want, but I simply can't understand how you can claim to love someone, always love them, and one day out of the blue just walk away.
What will I do?
1. I will keep telling myself that I AM worthy of loving.
2. I will keep setting goals and reaching them even though at this moment I feel like I am back to the day I wrote about on July 28th 2007 and I am somewhat paralyzed with grief all over again. I start out small again and I am already doing that.
3. I will build relationships with people.
4. I will be proud of myself and reward myself.
5. I will have faith that there is something wonderful that God, in whatever form you believe, has planned for me.
The upside. She's not a super model as I had pictured her to be. While not ugly, she's just average. My friend said they're way over mortgaged AND, she got pregnant before they were married. I am sure he wanted it that way so that he could be a passive participant in the father/husband role. Not that I don't think he will be a decent enough father, but a few years down the road, I wonder how their story will play out. Selfishness, greed, and a scary economy can lead to a lot of stress. Then again, maybe he's changed for them and they'll be just fine. I can't decide if I want to see them succeed, or if I want revenge. I should just concentrate on what I want for myself. I want to succeed!and be healthy and happy
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Late Spring early Summer updates...
Things are going well. Things are going beautifully. LIfe is wonderful. Life is fun. Fake it til you make it.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Today's Gemini Horoscope:
Mar 29, 2009
Things should flow extremely well for you today, dear Gemini, especially when it comes to anything having to do with love and beauty. Throw a party, or at least invite some close friends over for dinner. A tremendous fire from within is fueling your romantic and social nature. Your creativity is at a monthly peak, and you will find that your relations with others will go extremely well in general
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Dreams and sleep
Yesterday I lay down to take a nap and I had the strangest sensation as I was falling asleep. I was awake and conscious but right at the brink of being unaware. Still, the feeling I had was that of loss. It wasn't unlike the loss that I felt when my mom died or when Mike left in that I felt completely empty but it was unlike that loss because there was no pain associated with it. It was such a fine emptiness or peacefulness. I didn't understand it but I remember thinking this must be what it is like to die. You just don't feel anything. It was surreal and so difficult to explain. I remember feeling my eyes in the REM state but when I was conscious enough to realise it, then I became too awake for them to do the REM. I remember finding that amusing. I've been in half awake, half asleep states before, but this was different.
This morning I dreamed of a house in Covington. For some reason it registered as a house that I used to live in when I was a college student (I never did) and then a house that my professor owned and we partied in, and then it was this run down home that was for sale or something and I desperately wanted to buy it and restore it. It was beautiful and of course, it had an attic.
The second dream I had was of school and there was a huge food fight. I remember the adminstration sitting there laughing about it. It's been a hopeless year and I am sure my dream was just reflecting the frustration I feel.
Off and on I have had dreams of mom. I have been dreaming more than usual lately. I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. They've been bitter sweet kind of dreams.
Lately I have been thinking of him less and less and the pain that I feel is less and less too. I rarely cry about him anymore. I rarely cry at all about anything in particular but sometimes cry for no reason. I think I may finally be mourning my mom.
This morning I dreamed of a house in Covington. For some reason it registered as a house that I used to live in when I was a college student (I never did) and then a house that my professor owned and we partied in, and then it was this run down home that was for sale or something and I desperately wanted to buy it and restore it. It was beautiful and of course, it had an attic.
The second dream I had was of school and there was a huge food fight. I remember the adminstration sitting there laughing about it. It's been a hopeless year and I am sure my dream was just reflecting the frustration I feel.
Off and on I have had dreams of mom. I have been dreaming more than usual lately. I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. They've been bitter sweet kind of dreams.
Lately I have been thinking of him less and less and the pain that I feel is less and less too. I rarely cry about him anymore. I rarely cry at all about anything in particular but sometimes cry for no reason. I think I may finally be mourning my mom.
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