Everything is all cleared away...

I'm ready to get the house in shape for a new year and new begining.

I looked around for a new house.  I've decided if I have to settle (and with my budget, I would have to settle) then I may as well settle here.  I will continue to make this house mine.  I like having freedom more than I like having an uppity house.  I want the freedom from worry, the freedom to go on a vacation if I want, the freedom to go on adventures around here, the freedom to buy a truck and a kayak if I want, the freedom to be able to build a nest egg...the freedom to be able to buy frivolous things like a jacuzzi.  I'm doing it. 

some photos from Holiday season 2010

Lookit what I found...How beautiful!

 I had gone into the Party Town store to find some of those little containers people use to make jello shots.  I use those containers with lids for paints at school.  I spied these as I was looking around and I had to have them.  There were four there but they were 20 bucks each.  More than I usually spend on a wine.  One is a Riesling.  Not a huge fan of white wines but I do tend to like either a Riesling or a chablis or pinot grigio (spelling?).  I don't like Chardonay.  The other wine, below, is a Grenache.  I am not familiar with that.  I hope it isn't a sweet wine but like I said, I was more interested in the art on the bottles than the wine itself. 

I do like wine.  I usually drink a Cabernet or Merlot.  A Shiraz sometimes.  Really, any of the reds will do for the most part.  I want to expand my tastes.  I know mom and Nick used to always drink Chianti or some type of Burgandy.  It's been a long time since I had Chianti.  Maybe I will pick it up again and see if my tastes had changed.  I remember I didn't care for it too much in my younger years.

  The artists name is James Jean.  http://www.jamesjean.com/



I hope the wine is as good as the art looks.



The years that have passed

Measured in eras
Before parents were gone
After parents were gone
Before I was married
While I was married
After I divorced

My life has been more eventful within the last three years than it had almost ever been.

It's only been three years.
since I stopped smoking
since I divorced

It's been 4 years already
since mom died
since mike left

It's been 8 years since bio-dad died

It's been 9 years since I met bio-dad

It's been 17 years since Nick died

It's been forever ago for so many things that happened just yesterday.

A wonderful evening...

Being a kid
playing on a play ground
eating ice cream
finding joy in a container of brazil nuts
Sharing a sweet hug and a kiss, oblivious to our surroundings.

Remembering...

I remember when I used to wish so hard it hurt...that I would turn into my street and see your car in our driveway.

I remember when I woke up everyday hoping it was all just a really bad dream.

I remember hating you for leaving.

I remember so little of our life together.

I remember the last few years feeling proud, happy, triumphant and strong.

I remember what life was like before you.

I remember me.

Love...

Today I love music by over the rhine.
Today I love the clear blue skies and warm sunshine on the lake
Today I love the cooler temperatures easing their way in. Summer's not done yet though.
Today I love spending time with friends.
Today I love my house.
Today I love my life.
Today I love.

Reviving birds...

Today I watched the cats sitting at the window, tails twitching back and forth in unison. The sparrows were feeding frantically at whatever weed seeds are in the front yard and as happens every year, one hit the window. I looked out to see the dusty brown body lying on it's back as it flopped once and went still. I trudged myself out to get it, fully expecting to be wrapping it up in paper towels and a plastic bag for the garbage but as I picked the bird up, head and body limp, I noticed he was blinking. I sat him on his belly in my hand and his feet seemed to slightly grasp on but he kept his head turned to the side and limp. I figured I would hold him and keep him warm until he passed on as it was semi cool this early afternoon. I looked for a spot in the back yard to lay him down comfortably and away from any hawks or cats. I noticed when I turned back and forth, his head would move as if he was focusing on something so I opened my hand a bit more (I wasn't holding him very tightly anyway) and petted him for a few minutes as his head began to raise up. Finally, he gathered his wits about him and he flew off into the tall ornamental grass across the yard and looked at me for a minute. He was fine, with an adventure to tell.

moments of clarity...

In moments of clarity I realise:

I would not go back and change the outcome.

I am still charmed.

I am happy.

So I will keep you around a little longer...

The summer is winding down and even though I am begining to feel the sadness of the end, I have to take the time to be grateful for such an adventurous summer. I can't remember a time when I was so free and brave to do such things as ziplining, kayaking, going out with people that I didn't know well and putting out an effort to make new friends. There was a time in my 20s where I was starting to experience this kind of confidence and growth but it went away shortly after being married. I'm proud of the things I've done this summer and the person I am becoming.