I tried....

You know, I am sure it wasn't really THAT much of a tradition but I have these fond memories of Mike and I sitting on the stoop outside passing out candy to the kids. It was either last year or the year before that we got scolded for being too lovey dovey and reminded that we weren't newly weds anymore by our neighbours. It was last year that we went to the wedding of our friend right before halloween and the air was cold and damp. We danced almost all night together...the only people on the floor sometimes. We were again told how great a couple we made. Tonight the air was not cold and damp. There were many trick or treaters but half the time I stayed inside. Towards the end I emptied big handfuls into the children's bags. I feel too shy to do the halloween thing by myself but I did try and I will make a new tradition. Maybe next year i will dress up and do scary stuff.

He came and got the divorce papers that I signed. I left them in the mail box because I was going swimming. Halfway through the class I remembered that I wanted to hold the papers ransome so that I could get the money he owes me. 2000.00. eh. what is the price of having all this crap over with?

Still, it needles me to know that he would not be where he is today with out me.

He is spending all his money on some other girl...Money that I should have.

He used me. Bottom line...I was completely used and wasted.

I could be sick from those thoughts. I fight that they are eating at me sometimes.

It has been five days and i have not smoked. I told a friend how badly I wanted one after handing over the papers like that yesterday. She said I deserved one. I told her that no, i deserve to keep myself healthy and deserve to take care of myself. For a very small moment I felt empowered. At least I am more of two steps forward one step back instead of two steps back one step foward. I know I am not used up and wasted. I just feel really bitter for the moment. Really angry and maybe a little self pitying. I want my mom.

The little things you don't notice...

How many times do you update your profile when you are on message boards? I mean half the time you don't even know what you've written. Then you happen upon your profile one day and see how you wrote that you were happily married to the most wonderful man in the whole wide world...and you would NEVER be divorced becuase your life was just sooooooo perfect and fine and beautiful. You were soooo lucky and so blessed to have all this good fortune wrapped up in the super human male form that shared your bed at night.


And then you think what a dumbass. Roll your eyes at yourself and hit delete. and then get a nice little giggle in because now you know better. It isn't being jaded. It is being wiser.

A wish list...

New camera
baseboards
appliances...washer, dryer, dishwasher
New front door with a window
New furniture
Waterproofed basement
A thingie that will allow me wireless access through the house.

A good guy. A really good guy that is up to my standards (which aren't huge).

It was a a bust....

The date last night. Nice guy, cute, but it just wasn't there for me. Thankfully, I believe the feeling was mutual. I feel most relieved that it wasn't a go. I don't know why.

Apathy

Mike brought over the separation agreement on Monday. I signed it yesterday and J notorized it. I don't feel anything for him anymore...No hatred, no love, no nothing. Just apathetic about the whole thing. The old guy I was seeing called me on Mon. night too. again, apathy. The new guy is using the L word...apathy. I have a date on Tuesday with yet another new guy and I feel less apathetic about meeting him but still, no flutters of anxiety and hopes of all that might be. I just don't care right now. Not about being with someone anyway.

I took my step dad out for lunch today. It was nice to spend time with him.. He is 86 years old but geesh, he doesn't seem it. I also picked up a bunch of storage boxes from mom's stuff. I figure I can use some of it for school. I bought some knee highs and cat toys today.

I was going to get my home organized this weekend but once again just feel apathetic.

The antiM

I have met a nice guy (the old one fizzled out). He is the Anti-Mike...Eclectic, comfortable, different and unconcerned with the way others see him. He has long dark hair, kind brown eyes, and a weird little strip of a beard (it's grey) that goes from his lip to the chin about a half inch wide...not so much a goatee. He plays the violin though I have not heard it yet. Seems to be open minded but also on the conservative side. I haven't quite figured him out or determined whether or not I am interested in him. He is curious. The more I talk to him the more I like him even though his grammar is atrocious. That was a big hang up for me though I am getting over it. On our second date he wrote me a little story and bought me a yellow carnation (not too fond of yellow but I love carnations). He's local, in the same city. That could be a plus...or not. It will be interesting to see where things go.

And so it feels like fall...

I know I complain bitterly about the cold but I welcome fall and winter this year with new hopes and a feeling of contentment. Perhaps it is the release of seretonins (?)I am experiencing since I just got back from swim. Funny, my freshman year in highschool we had just moved to this house and I was on a swim team. I remember it being November, cold, and coming out of the gym with wet hair but not being cold. Not cold like I was last year. Happiness makes you warm. It does. Anyway, here it is 25 years later and I am coming home tired, but not in that bad way. Relaxed, happy and actually feeling like I am home. It is a good place to be.

Saturday whims..

I slept until 10:00. Here it is going into the second week of October and it is getting up to 90 something. Small hints of rain but not a drop comes. I am still bummed about that situtaion. Things are still calm and peaceful and my last 10 years are becoming a far away memory in some ways. You think you will never get over it, but it is amazing how sometimes you just cope without any effort. The pain goes away, you start to forget and you know you're on the way to making a full recovery when the little things come up that are still unresolved and you don't flinch. Mike must be making very large purchases because the credit card company called for a fraud alert. I called him to let him know (left a message and he never called back). I had a moment of anger and wonder as to what he was doing making large purchases when he owes me money, and then it just went away. I can think of him being with someone else now and it doesn't bother me. I can think of him buying whatever he wants for whomever he wants or shacking up and playing family man and think..glad it isn't my problem anymore. I would like to know when he is going to get on the ball and get this divorce over with though. It is the last monkey on my back.

settling in...

Things have been quiet here. The new romance that budded back in March and the rocky road through the summer has evaporated into nothingness. There were no good byes, no fights, just nothing and I am just fine with that. I went for a walk the other evening at sunset. The warm vermillion glow that was cast by the angle of the sun was memorable, beautiful, and calming. I have forgotten what that peaceful feeling had felt like and it seems years since I have been able to appreciate that which often goes over looked. I remember being struck by some of life's most everyday ordinary events and finding awe in them.. I am finding that again and so glad.

I am becoming my own person again. The person I used to love to hang out with and feel comfortable with. The person who knew how to make her mark and live to her fullest. I need to get to know her again and see what exciting things she has planned. I respected and envied her and I think she has gotten much stronger since I last saw her.