To keep track
Saturday I took mom's dog to the vet because there is no way she can handle a giant ill trained german Shepard. My arm is still sore.
Sunday (mother's day) the sisters and I got together at mom's house because she wanted us to go through the things she has and sort out what goes where when she dies. I could tell my sis Rox had been crying that day. We don't cry in front of mother though. We managed some laughs actually laughing so hard that I cried. Probably because that is what I really wanted to do. I cry when I type this out because that is the time that I can get it all out. I am amazed at just how much this actually physically hurts my heart, my throat, every part of my body. I miss my mom so much and she is still here. I hate this so much that I want to hurt something/ someone, but at the same time anyone else's pain makes me sad for them too. I just want everyone and everything to be ok. I feel cowardly because I wish it were me so I didn't have to watch them suffer.
I am angry and I am hateful today. I hope it will pass again soon.
Monday, May 15, 2006
Thursday, May 04, 2006
How many more days?
Less than a month
16 more days with students
Update
mom: The bad days are more than the good days, but she is still hanging in there.
April 13th I find out I have a nephew that is three months old. That same phone call from my mother, I find out he has died of crib death. I can't imagine going on about your day thinking all is well with your loved ones, only to return having your world turned upside down. I can somewhat related. The same thing happend when my step father passed away, but I will say that with kids it is different. There is the guilt issue. They are supposed to be cared for by you and I can imagine that is a tough one to get through. Not that it was anyone's fault. He was a beautiful healthy baby (named after my step father) from what I could see of the pictures of him anyway.
The funeral was tough. Not because this child died necessarily. I didn't know him. It was tough to see all of the relatives who have grown so distant. It was tough because the burial was right next to my step father's grave in which my mother's headstone also lies. Sobering. Years ago it seemed so far away that it was unimaginable to lose my mother. Now? not so much.
16 more days with students
Update
mom: The bad days are more than the good days, but she is still hanging in there.
April 13th I find out I have a nephew that is three months old. That same phone call from my mother, I find out he has died of crib death. I can't imagine going on about your day thinking all is well with your loved ones, only to return having your world turned upside down. I can somewhat related. The same thing happend when my step father passed away, but I will say that with kids it is different. There is the guilt issue. They are supposed to be cared for by you and I can imagine that is a tough one to get through. Not that it was anyone's fault. He was a beautiful healthy baby (named after my step father) from what I could see of the pictures of him anyway.
The funeral was tough. Not because this child died necessarily. I didn't know him. It was tough to see all of the relatives who have grown so distant. It was tough because the burial was right next to my step father's grave in which my mother's headstone also lies. Sobering. Years ago it seemed so far away that it was unimaginable to lose my mother. Now? not so much.
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