the realization

I feel like I felt the day she told me. Doomed. It is going to happen and there is nothing I can do.

Her poor feet are sore from the chemo so I bought her some toe socks to wear with her sandals. For the first time, she looks bad. Her colouring is sallow, and she has some sores on her skin. She doesn't feel like eating, and this will be the first Thanksgiving where we haven't gotten together, or I haven't been anywhere. Excuse me for being a little self pitying, but I guess I am getting a sense of what life will be like with out her. Sure, I am a grown woman, with a husband, career, and all the things that make you an adult, but damnit. I wish it was me sometimes. I always thought I would go before her and I didn't think I could bear the pain of losing her. Sometimes I think there is still hope.

And then there is the shock of calmness.

And sleepiness.

All I want to do is sleep.