Number 16, dreams and more...

I haven't seen number 16 since we last went out and the woman answered his phone. Haven't even spoken to him.

I am corresponding with a guy on facebook that I had exchanged a few emails with on match before I had met Richard. As soon as I sent the first email I cursed myself. I don't know why I keep forcing myself to date when I don't even think I am all that interested in men anymore. I don't hate men. they're fine to have as friends but seriously, I just don't see the point of dating sometimes. That is until I have heavy furniture to move. I don't know why I never think about asking the boy next door to help me move some shit. I could give him 20 bucks to help me for 20 minutes and he'd think he won the lottery. And I don't have to call him back, praise him, or do any favours (eewww cuz that would make me a ped). I need to ask my neighbour to show me how to use the circular saw.

Sometimes I get lonely. But here's where the childfree issue comes up. I am so damn sick of having to rearrange my schedule or have a moment's notice because they suddenly don't have the kids. I totally understand the kid thing and that I have more flexibility but I hate that they get pissed off when the timing is off and I can't accommodate them. I hate that kids become an excuse for not calling to cancel a date...at all (JP, which is why you are gone). Oh and the drama with the mamas. GAH! All I want is to be just enough of a priority in the beginning to respect enough to meet half way. Otherwise what is the point?

Dreams. I dreamed of him but I can't even remember what it was. It was a couple of days ago and it was another of the sort that he wanted to get back together but I didn't. I remember feeling bad for him, not hateful. I will take it as a good thing but it still hurt. Those times I do get lonely I hate that I think of him living a happy life with her (though in all reality, it probably isn't anywhere near the relationship I would like to have). I know I idealise them being so happy together and starting a family. I picture them as little mushy commercials you see around the holidays from jewelry stores. I know he can be sweet and romantic in small ways. I know he's good in many ways, but I also know what he's like otherwise.

I also had weird dreams that had to do with monkeys and other stuff. Mom might have been in the weird dreams too.

Lastly. This week I am settling the estate, and I have my evaluation on Wed. After this week, things will be looking up.