No title...

Today when I think of you I just feel empty. It saddens me that I feel that way.

New year, new life

December 30th, my husband left me. I knew he'd been depressed about not having a full time job and not passing the bar exam but as the weeks went by after he moved out, my worst fear was confirmed. He was not happy with our marriage. He says there is no one else though I have a hard time believing that because how could one just simply fall out of love with someone so easily? I've seen him only about 4 times since he moved out and spoken to him about the same amount. He says he's happy and brought up the fact that we only have to be separated for 60 days before we can file for divorce.

I can't believe I was so duped by what I thought was a happy man in a happy marriage. We were the type of couple everyone was envious of and I was so arrogant in thinking to myself that things were so perfect. I feel a little foolish right now sometimes. I wrote him a letter telling him not to make any rash decisions he said he looked at it several times. I honestly feel there is no hope though. I don't know where my husband went (emotionally) he's just gone and it is strange to see this person who barely looks at me.

I know that come the first weeks of march, he will come around with papers for me to sign. I will sign them and maybe be unhappy for a short while but then I have plans to make. I have a new life to live and all the possibilities in front of me.

The first is to take care of myself which I am doing well.
The second is to buy this house.
The third is to make this house a reflection of me somehow. Maybe when I find me.
The fourth is to work hard, play hard and have as much fun as I can.
The fifth is because I hate even numbers so I will add that I will create.

Days of the week...

My favourite days are:
Thursday, because you can go out and moderately party because you know tomorrow is
Friday: once your day is done, you know that you have two full days ahead of you. You can stay up late because you can sleep in tomorrow on
Saturday. Saturday is the one superday you have. You don't have to fret about working the next day and you aren't tired from a day of work.

The days I least like:

Sunday. A day that may as well be called Monday Eve. I probably dislike this day the most. I try to cram all the work I have been putting off to this day. I have work anxiety for the next day.
Monday is just the start of the work week. At least it is started and once the day begins it is pretty much over.
Tuesday, the most boring day. Nothing so special about it and I almost pity it's lonely existance. It is quiet, unassuming and a nice transition into the middle of the week

Wednesday, which should begin the days that I like most. At the top of the climb and looking to the other side.

So, only three days out of the 7 that I dislike. Really only 2 since Tuesday is a kind of ghost of a day.

Bird Ladies.

I am still alive

Thoughts for today:

I love my job. It is the second quarter and the kids are really good or I am just better this year.

I bought some new gel pens.

The cold has now gone to my core. It is at the point where I will not get warm until Mid April. I have all of the times, sunrise and sunset printed out. Today I went through and counted how many hours of daylight will be each day. I watch it dwindle but the good news is that this year is going so fast that the days will be getting longer soon. Come May things will be good. I think. I have set aside that time to crash emotionally, physically, whatever I need. I don't know if that will be a good thing or not. Maybe there will be too much of a let down and I will go insane. We'll cut through that forest when we come to it.

I will take time each day to create something memorable if only to myself.

Remember the green room
Remember the black and white checker tiled floor.
Remember the red velvet and the blue moon with the quiet tinkling of music in the distance.

These are Places. I was there, I swear.

Fall is coming

Everyone is a twitter with the coming of fall. I hear people exclaim how they LOVE autumn. The leaves (ok, those are pretty) the cool weather, foot ball, slower pace, school, yadda yadda yaddah. I hate it. I have already started my countdown until the days start getting longer. It used to be the winter was so horrible but not anymore. June 21st or whatever Summer solstice is, is the worst day of the year because you know you are on the down swing. Winter solstice brings hope. It is the last of the darkness coming out of the tunnel. Sure, it is slow but everyday I count the minutes.

I am also pissed off because my summer was marked by saddness and pain (two trips to the emergency room that I could have just simply done without. Thank you very much stress and middle age.

Well, I did get to see Cirque du Soleil. My husband bought four VIP tickets last May. We were absolute dead center and dead front. We could see the performers sweating and making eye contact (the eye contact was a little unnerving). My sister and brother in law went with us. It was the most fabulous thing I think I have ever seen. We are now planning to see them in Vegas sometime in the near future.

Things I look forward to:
Next summer when all the above bullshit is well underway (except for our school situation. I hope it improves)
I am getting a kiln this year at school. I can't wait to do clay.

And she is gone...

Mom died Thursday July 20, 2006 and was buried yesterday on the 24th.

I am fine with it, as I mourned her the day she told me she had cancer way back on the 11th of July 2004 after we had gotten back from California. I remember that day as if it were yesterday, but at the same time yesterday, the day of the funeral, seems so far gone.

Things I will be grateful for:
Mom was able to be independant up until last week for the most part.
Mom will never be old and fragile
Mom's mind was still very much in tact
Friends and family pulled together to make her farewell fabulous.

I thought I would be all cried out, but there has been so little crying. Everyone tells me it hasn't sunk in yet. That I am in shock. I should be crying. My mom was the most important person to me. Even moreso than my husband, but I just don't feel that sad. There was no guilt in taking her off life support. No guilt in not saying I loved her enough. No guilt for even getting angry with her sometimes in these last two years. She knows how I feel about her. She knows.

Stuff and stuff

To keep track

Saturday I took mom's dog to the vet because there is no way she can handle a giant ill trained german Shepard. My arm is still sore.

Sunday (mother's day) the sisters and I got together at mom's house because she wanted us to go through the things she has and sort out what goes where when she dies. I could tell my sis Rox had been crying that day. We don't cry in front of mother though. We managed some laughs actually laughing so hard that I cried. Probably because that is what I really wanted to do. I cry when I type this out because that is the time that I can get it all out. I am amazed at just how much this actually physically hurts my heart, my throat, every part of my body. I miss my mom so much and she is still here. I hate this so much that I want to hurt something/ someone, but at the same time anyone else's pain makes me sad for them too. I just want everyone and everything to be ok. I feel cowardly because I wish it were me so I didn't have to watch them suffer.

I am angry and I am hateful today. I hope it will pass again soon.

How many more days?

Less than a month
16 more days with students


Update

mom: The bad days are more than the good days, but she is still hanging in there.

April 13th I find out I have a nephew that is three months old. That same phone call from my mother, I find out he has died of crib death. I can't imagine going on about your day thinking all is well with your loved ones, only to return having your world turned upside down. I can somewhat related. The same thing happend when my step father passed away, but I will say that with kids it is different. There is the guilt issue. They are supposed to be cared for by you and I can imagine that is a tough one to get through. Not that it was anyone's fault. He was a beautiful healthy baby (named after my step father) from what I could see of the pictures of him anyway.

The funeral was tough. Not because this child died necessarily. I didn't know him. It was tough to see all of the relatives who have grown so distant. It was tough because the burial was right next to my step father's grave in which my mother's headstone also lies. Sobering. Years ago it seemed so far away that it was unimaginable to lose my mother. Now? not so much.

The new stuff I forgot to mention...

November 9th, I got a car, and a new cat all at the same time. On Tuesday the eighth, my dodge neon of 10 years died on me. The windows were leaking, the turn signal broken, no AC, and a host of other things were going wrong with it when it just decided to cut out on me while driving home. Thankfully I was less than a block away from home and I just walked on home. It started up again, and we were able to put it in the drive way. The next day we went to look at cars and got a hyundai sonata. It had 22,000 miles on it, and it was a 2005. We bought an extended warranty on it since we like to keep cars until they are worthless, and we were able to buy it out right. No payments! I hated spending such a huge chunk of money on something, but we have already saved up a quarter of what we paid for it. By the end of the year we will have our savings back up and we will be buying a house soon.

Oh, the cat. So she showed up with a buddy on our doorstep when we pulled into the driveway on Tuesday night (the night before we got the car) We loved on her a little bit and her buddy wouldn't come near us. It was getting cold the next day so we kept an eye out for her, and of course, we fed her. That Wed, we had noticed that she slept in the neighbour's patio furniture and she kept meowing to come in. IT was going to turn very cold, so we set up a cage for her in the garage. We put in a notice at the shelter in case anyone was looking for her, but we got no response, so a few days later we let her in our house. She immediately acted as if she had always been there, and bossed the other cats around. On Dec. 9th, we finally dug into our pockets and shelled out money for her to see the vet. They estimate her age to be around 6 months and she was in perfect health. They think she will be a large cat and she is very muscular. Her it is on the 25th and we still don't know what to call her. DH calls her blackie, but I kind of like Ezzy, short for esmerelda. She still needs to be spayed. Hopefully we can get her before she starts her caterwauling.

I have no title...Just stuff.

Got an "A" in my class. Still 4.0. Great, but a lot of pressure to keep it up. If I can get through tw0 more classes without a blemish I will be good to go until I decide to go back for my Phd. Pfft. Don't laugh. I could you know. Why not? What else am I going to do with my time and money? I may as well.

Tomorrow is the last day before Xmess break. I have no idea why I feel so hostile right now, but I just want to shout out a hearty Fuck YOU to a good portion of the people out there in the world. Not for any good reason, and nothing personal. I just feel like lashing out at someone, anyone, and perfect strangers are better than those I love right now. Mostly better than lashing out at her, my mother. She has become so disagreeable since she has been ill and I have to pretend that I am agreeing with her. I don't want to hear about her Bush worship. I don't want to hear about her hating the liberals, and blaming every goddamn thing on those damn liberals. She has become beyond ultra conservative. It creeps into every goddamn sentence. Mom, You are wrong. God doesn't belong in the schools, Happy holifuckingdays is just as good as saying Merry motherfucking Christmas, I support Gay rights and think they should be able to marry. I support Abortion rights, and thank God I still have the ability to control my own reproductive choice should the need come about. And I can't remember what the hell else it is that bugs the crap out of me, but just can it for a while willya? Oh, and I am sorry for whatever it was I did when I was 5 fucking years old. I am now 37. Can we let it go? Quit thinking you know me when you refuse to acknowledge that I haven't been that way in years.

Yeah, I love you, and I feel guilty. I feel guilty because of a lot of things that I feel for you. Things that can't be said.

the realization

I feel like I felt the day she told me. Doomed. It is going to happen and there is nothing I can do.

Her poor feet are sore from the chemo so I bought her some toe socks to wear with her sandals. For the first time, she looks bad. Her colouring is sallow, and she has some sores on her skin. She doesn't feel like eating, and this will be the first Thanksgiving where we haven't gotten together, or I haven't been anywhere. Excuse me for being a little self pitying, but I guess I am getting a sense of what life will be like with out her. Sure, I am a grown woman, with a husband, career, and all the things that make you an adult, but damnit. I wish it was me sometimes. I always thought I would go before her and I didn't think I could bear the pain of losing her. Sometimes I think there is still hope.

And then there is the shock of calmness.

And sleepiness.

All I want to do is sleep.

2001. A lovely time

Cha cha cha changes...

The road. I have lived here 20 something years and our main road is going from a little two lane to a four lane. I should have documented all the progress when it all started back in 2001. The little yellow farm house that went away, the smaller brick houses, the ice cream shop, the stream that had the little waterfalls, all of them are gone. I took some pictures of the old road right before our house, before it is no more.

So many things change. Our local mall that had only about seven stores at it's height plus a McAlpins (now Dillards) has been torn down to make way for a new open air, upscale shopping plaza. It is swanky looking. Even the Friday's where I used to work has gone all upscale. The 11 pieces of flair that we had to wear on our suspenders, with our goofy hats have been replaced with polos and black pants, no hats. That was about 6 years ago. Dh and I went in there last week for brunch, and they have gotten rid of all the "antiques" and the tiffany lamps, except for the large row boat. The new decor is dark, psuedo sophisticated, and trying WAY too hard. I dunno. Are they still going to be able to keep up the fambly friendly atmosphere? or are they going to be like they originally were, a fun BAR! Remains to be seen I guess.

Sometimes I feel like I can never leave this place. Other times, I feel like that is all I want to do. Start over somewhere. I can't ever see any other place as being my home though. This place isn't special, but it is where I have grown up. It is where all my beloved pets were, and where my step-dad died. It was the first house I ever lived in after living in apartments in my younger years. The first house that I lived in as a married woman. Soon we will have to make that decision. Buy this house, or sell it. I, of course, hope that decision isn't really soon. All the talk of wills and dividing up property. It sucks. I don't know how to live without my mother. Not that she runs my life or anything, but she has always been there. Like this house. Another change I guess.

Of death and things...

I told mom I would take care of her dog and cat. We discussed her will as much as I would let her, because she really shouldn't be discussing it with me now that she is talking to an attorney. Regardless, I just don't care about "stuff". The things that are priceless to me are mine, from her. My wedding dress. My seniour dinner dance dress, pictures, and memories. Of course I will care for her animals. They are not considered "stuff" though. I don't know how that will work in a small house, with two cats and a rat already, but we can make it work. No one will want to come over, but it isn't like we have a lot of people visit anyway. :D

It is hard to remember that she is sick sometimes. She seems so well. A year ago her prognosis was two years. So one year is already passed. Will this summer be it? But I have made plans already. She is going to help me learn to sew. We are going to start a project from start to finish.

It is ok to plan right? Of course it is. It is the only thing that will keep us going.

"I mean by a picture a beautiful romantic dream of something that never was, never will be - in a light better than any light that ever shone - in a land no one can define or remember, only desire - and from the forms divinely beautiful."
Sir Edward Burne-Jones

And so it is friday...

And so I have once again stayed late at school. This time I was playing around with silk screening. I have a lot to catch up on since I have forgotten how to do it. At least this time I was playing around in my room, organizing things, and enjoying myself. I really do like spending time there, and I thought to myself the other day, if I weren't married, I would be one of those work a holics.

I had to call in sick yesterday. I had been up all night with a bad stomach virus. Of course I got all stressed out about should I wait it out or call in. Back and forth ya know. Since I have to be at work so early, I went ahead and called in. I had just finished bragging to everyone that I never get sick. I even took the number of a highly recomended sub, and told her I probably wouldn't ever need her, but just in case... Could I find her number when I needed it? Of course not. So I got stuck with some old guy who tormented the children with his endless stories of marilyn monroe, and einstien, and how he met them. The kids told me he was a pathological liar. Oh well, at least they were happy to see me back. Funny as that is.

Cool artist blog

http://www.deletetheweb.com/unstuck/

Thought of the day...

Happiness comes in a package of beautiufully coloured sharpie ultra point markers, and pretty pastel file folders.