Mike came over last night to pick up the radios. I cried so hard I puked. I thought I was done yelling at him but i continued. I also called the girlfriend every name in the book. He kept saying it wasn't her fault and I know that but I told him right now, I am allowed to call her anything I want and don't you DARE defend her to me. He didn't. I don't feel like writing down all that was said or every emotion I went through. I will just list the highlights.

when I asked him if he told her we were getting back together he said that was none of my business. At first I felt embarrassed by my nosieness but then I said bullshit. I had told him EVERYTHING about SO so I did have a right to know. It affected what was going on between us. So he told me no. He didn't tell her. That speaks volumes and I need to remember that.

he said he had thought about quitting his job. His brand new job that he makes good money at (he hadn't worked in 3 years) and he has the opportunity to move up with this experience. That tells me that there is still something very wrong with him. He can't keep a job and has no direction in his life. I used to think only stupid uneducated people were like that. Well, he has about 70,000 dollars worth of education so I don't know what his deal is.

He told me he did tell the stupid cunt not to touch his phone again. I am sure he wasn't nasty about it since i heard them laughing one time when I called. I don't know if the phone was being hung up or what but he claims he never answered the phone.

I wonder what he's told her. I wonder what she thinks. I am not at the point where I don't care yet. Right now I want to punch the shit out of her. I KNOW that is irrational to blame her and I would be the first to defend her if I was seeing this as an outsider, but now I fucking know what it is like.Right now it just feels easier to blame her and be mad at stupid cunt instead of mike even though I am mad at him too.

We later talked again. I hate when we actually talk about our feelings and we think about all the things we've been through. He said he didn't even know why we were getting divorced. Other than this stupid shit he's pulled moving out to begin with, our marriage was great. That man doesn't exist anymore though. I don't know what happened to him but I miss my REAL husband so very much.

Where does that leave things with SO? I saw him last night too. the feelings just weren't there but only because my mind set was set on all the shit that happened this weekend. Right now I really don't feel like being with anyone.

Maybe I only love things when I am about to lose them.

How things change in a day...

This is just cut and pasted from a message board that I post at. I didn't feel like writing it all down again. This is from Saturday, July 28th which was dh's birthday.

I am having a REET evening that I am not particularly proud of and is totally uncharacteristic of me. Dh (that is damned husband) and I were supposed to see each other tonight. I checked his home and work plus a few hangouts that he hangs out at after calling his phone a few times. Finally I got an answer but it wasn't him who answered it was a woman named Deena. She actually had the nerve to ask WHO IS THIS?? I said uh, is this Mikes phone, thinking that maybe I hit the wrong number. He then got on the phone. He was at a swanky restaurant (it is his birthday today) and I said where the FUCK are you. He said *swanky restaurant's name* and I yelled was that the GIRLFRIEND!! then he hung up on me after I started yelling at him (I think they were singing happy b-day in the background) So I went psycho and have left numerous voice messages on his phone. I even went down to this restaurant but talked myself out of going inside. I didn't even see them. Later i did go back but they'd already gone (thank god.)

I knew he was seeing someone who'd he had been set up with from a friend of ours but as of the last few weeks he said they stopped seeing each other and I hadn't seen SO in two weeks because we were supposed to be working things out ya know. I have been completely honest with him about things. HE'S the one that is supposed to be putting in the effort and obviously he has NOT been honest. I hate to say this, but I am going to confess to more psychoness so you all can bitch slap me into sanity. I even called the friend who set them up (they're all otu together) and left a message explaining my psychotic behaviour, that her friend probably didn't know that Mike and I were supposed to be working things out and that he was supposed to have been with me tonight. I have never done anything like this before. I am shocked that he would do something like this. He is not the man that I knew at all.

I am too pissed to be in tears right now, but I have no doubt that is coming. Actually I am shocked at the stalkerish behaviour I exhibited tonight too. What the hell is she answering HIS phone for?? And then having the nerve to ask who is this? OMG! I always respected his privacy and let him answer his own damn phone and I would expect him to do the same for me let alone let a girlfriend that you really don't want to be with answer it. So I don't think we're going to work things out now. I probably pissed him off and I know damn well I am beyond pissed.Hope all that makes sense. ANd I will say it again before anyone else does Okellern=REET temporarily (I hope).

So yesterday I had my SO come and change my locks. Mike called and gave me the whole bullshit about being sorry and how I didn't deserve to be treated this way blah blah blahfucking BLAH. One of the things I found out after talking to Keri (the friend who set him up with this girl) was that he told her he wanted kids. He told me he didn't want to see her anymore because she wanted kids. He also tried to pass the responsibility for HIS actions by saying I never called him or showed interest. That was not for ME to do! HE is the one who walked out on me and HE is the one who said he didn't want the divorce. He then blamed SO and my relationship with him. I hadn't seen him for two weeks (though I did see him platonically on Friday night). Like I said, I was completely upfront about what was going on. I had cleared out the dresser and his closet again in preparation for him to move back in. I was mentally preparing for this even though I wasn't sure I was in love with him anymore. I just thought it would take some work to get to that in love state and it was starting to happen when we were talking more. Now this.

Anyway, he came to pick up some of his things yesterday because I had given him an ultimatum that he either call me back that night or he could get his things this week. So when he called, I told him he had to make arrangements to get his stuff. He wanted to come right then but I told him SO was there. At first I said I had a guy changing my locks but then I just didn't care about his feelings and told him that SO was there and I didn't know when he was leaving.

He is coming over in about an hour to pick up the huge antique radios in the house. I hate those damn things.

I will discuss more later and write down the details. Right now I just wanted to record the events.

I have bought my first house...

I will soon be finished with all of the finalizing of mom's estate and I have paid off my brother and sisters. Next week the deed will be transfered to me and i can officially say that I am a homeowner!

I am having issues with my teeth again. Have a dentist appnt. on Wed. I am so tired of having these same two teeth giving me all kinds of problems.

mid summer blue...

this Friday will be the one year anniversary of my mom's death. My sister is coming over and a bottle of crappy wine called 4 sisters awaits us even though two of my sisters won't be here for the life rememberence. That is ok though. I should get some nice snacks and some of mom's favourite candies for us to enjoy. I want to make it special.

The summer for me is almost over. Next week I will be participating in the summer ready program for school. It only is four hours a day, and then a week off before we have to get back to the grind. It will be weird going back to work this August and not having to worry about taking classes. Geesh. I will actually have some kind of life during the fall and winter months.

It used to be that I dreaded the days getting shorter. June 21st was the worst time because the days got shorter so quickly. Now it isn't so bad. I can't say that I am a 100% ready to go back to work because we have a lot of changes this year, but I am not agonizing over it like I was this time last year. Well, I guess I wasn't really agonizing over much of anything except the loss of my mother really.

Things are still confusing with my love life. M is supposed to come over tonight. And yes, I did see SO the other day. It was good. Realistically if I put things into perspective though, the newness of a relationship is always so intoxicating. But there is let down. There is uncertainty. Up until this last crazy year, I had always considered myself lucky to have M in my life.. I don't know what will happen but love is more than sex and having a good time. it is committment. We were once very committed to each other. Maybe we can be again. God I wish I could know if the future was worth it. I am not a gambler, though I really don't know what the safer path would be.

what's it been?

A week now? things are not better. M and I have spoken or seen each other a little more lately, but it is damn hard to work on your marriage when you only see or talk to each other maybe once or twice a week. Even when we do talk, it is pretty lite and tiptoeing around everything. i am having serious doubts that this will work. He has this new job and he is getting his footing and working long hours to get caught up and get the hang of things, but where is the balance? It doesn't help that he could find time to go out with friends the other day. same old shit.

I am sick to death of worrying about things. I haven't been able to break it off completely with SO. I am debating on weather or not to go see him tonight. I know I am going out with my GF tonight for dinner and drinks, but I don't know what is going to happen beyond that. You know what? At this point I don't care. Maybe I won't break it off at all. Maybe I won't get back with M.. Why should I? Anger... It is such a better state to be in than depression. It sure the hell is.

I hate titles...

Today I feel like crap. So I hadn't written about the man that I have been seeing since March 3rd. He is a great guy and we've spoken every day since and have seen each other 2-3 times a week. I could have fallen in love with him. I was on the verge but keeping it tempered because I didn't want to be a rebound user (I have been the rebound girl before and it sucked). I guess I am a rebound user anyway. For the last couple of weeks, M and I have discussed getting back together. He doesn't want the divorce now even though I signed the papers. I feel I owe it to our marriage to see if we can work it out. Yesterday I told my Significant Other of 4 months that M and I were going to get back together and that I couldn't work on my marriage with him in the picture. Not those exact words, and not that cold. I told him over the phone because M threw a wrench in our plans for dinner by deciding to come over. After M left I had called him and then he came over later.

I can't stop crying. I figure I just hate the finality of things. Or maybe it is sleep deprivation from listening to a screeching puppy all night long (more about that later but right now I just need to yell into the big black void). Maybe I am crying because I fear I am making the biggest mistake of my life. Funny how you want to hold onto something when you know you will never see it again. I am sure I would feel the same if M went ahead and filed those papers. It is a no win situation. I just wish I had a crystal ball to tell me what would be the right choice. I hate this.