Mike came over last night to pick up the radios. I cried so hard I puked. I thought I was done yelling at him but i continued. I also called the girlfriend every name in the book. He kept saying it wasn't her fault and I know that but I told him right now, I am allowed to call her anything I want and don't you DARE defend her to me. He didn't. I don't feel like writing down all that was said or every emotion I went through. I will just list the highlights.

when I asked him if he told her we were getting back together he said that was none of my business. At first I felt embarrassed by my nosieness but then I said bullshit. I had told him EVERYTHING about SO so I did have a right to know. It affected what was going on between us. So he told me no. He didn't tell her. That speaks volumes and I need to remember that.

he said he had thought about quitting his job. His brand new job that he makes good money at (he hadn't worked in 3 years) and he has the opportunity to move up with this experience. That tells me that there is still something very wrong with him. He can't keep a job and has no direction in his life. I used to think only stupid uneducated people were like that. Well, he has about 70,000 dollars worth of education so I don't know what his deal is.

He told me he did tell the stupid cunt not to touch his phone again. I am sure he wasn't nasty about it since i heard them laughing one time when I called. I don't know if the phone was being hung up or what but he claims he never answered the phone.

I wonder what he's told her. I wonder what she thinks. I am not at the point where I don't care yet. Right now I want to punch the shit out of her. I KNOW that is irrational to blame her and I would be the first to defend her if I was seeing this as an outsider, but now I fucking know what it is like.Right now it just feels easier to blame her and be mad at stupid cunt instead of mike even though I am mad at him too.

We later talked again. I hate when we actually talk about our feelings and we think about all the things we've been through. He said he didn't even know why we were getting divorced. Other than this stupid shit he's pulled moving out to begin with, our marriage was great. That man doesn't exist anymore though. I don't know what happened to him but I miss my REAL husband so very much.

Where does that leave things with SO? I saw him last night too. the feelings just weren't there but only because my mind set was set on all the shit that happened this weekend. Right now I really don't feel like being with anyone.

Maybe I only love things when I am about to lose them.