You know, I am sure it wasn't really THAT much of a tradition but I have these fond memories of Mike and I sitting on the stoop outside passing out candy to the kids. It was either last year or the year before that we got scolded for being too lovey dovey and reminded that we weren't newly weds anymore by our neighbours. It was last year that we went to the wedding of our friend right before halloween and the air was cold and damp. We danced almost all night together...the only people on the floor sometimes. We were again told how great a couple we made. Tonight the air was not cold and damp. There were many trick or treaters but half the time I stayed inside. Towards the end I emptied big handfuls into the children's bags. I feel too shy to do the halloween thing by myself but I did try and I will make a new tradition. Maybe next year i will dress up and do scary stuff.
He came and got the divorce papers that I signed. I left them in the mail box because I was going swimming. Halfway through the class I remembered that I wanted to hold the papers ransome so that I could get the money he owes me. 2000.00. eh. what is the price of having all this crap over with?
Still, it needles me to know that he would not be where he is today with out me.
He is spending all his money on some other girl...Money that I should have.
He used me. Bottom line...I was completely used and wasted.
I could be sick from those thoughts. I fight that they are eating at me sometimes.
It has been five days and i have not smoked. I told a friend how badly I wanted one after handing over the papers like that yesterday. She said I deserved one. I told her that no, i deserve to keep myself healthy and deserve to take care of myself. For a very small moment I felt empowered. At least I am more of two steps forward one step back instead of two steps back one step foward. I know I am not used up and wasted. I just feel really bitter for the moment. Really angry and maybe a little self pitying. I want my mom.
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