Today's Gemini Horoscope: Feb 22, 2008
Take advantage of the lighthearted, flighty feeling of the day, instead of getting annoyed by it, dear Gemini. You can't stay hiding in your bedroom forever. Well, you could, but basically you will end up rotting away and no one would even notice. This is a good day for you to get out and have fun with friends. Make life-wishes for people instead of cursing them. Make connections, and remember to laugh a great deal.

Well, I can't get out today because the weather is really bad, but at least the bolded is being done. I no longer feel the need to curse him or at least I feel less of a need.

I am trying to clean out my old office. I still don't know what to do with it. Make it a craft room? Make it another guest room? I don't know. If I become a foster parent, maybe then I will have more direction for it. I suppose right now it is ok just to make it a clean craft storage room. I want to clean a lot of stuff out so I don't have to have storage. I am doing well at that, but this summer, I really would like to have a yard sale. Some of this stuff I just really hate to throw out. I am also going to try and get rid of my kitchen table set...I hate it, and maybe the furniture. I need to get to budgeting again. I did really well, but then I feel like I have been spending on non-essentials too much. One thing I really do want though is a new digital camera.

Sigh...

I have strep. I have had a sore throat since last Tuesday night. It had seemed to get better and I had the school nurse look at it yesterday and she seemed unconcerned. I began to run a slight fever again yesterday and it felt like I swallowed a cactus. So, I went to the urgent care clinic and was officially diagnosed with my first case of strep ever. Luckily it is mild and i only need a light antibiotic. I have been in and out of feverishness throughout the day. We also had a snow day so that was a lucky break even though I am so finished with the snow, feeling bad, etc.

To top it all off, the guy that I had talked to on the phone Friday, informed me that he thinks he met his match on Saturday and he was interested in persuing this. I don't know if I had written about him or not, but he winked at me in early dec. on match. I wasn't sure if I was interested so I ignored. Come around January I had been on a couple of dates so I emailed him a Happy new Year email. Nothing really came of it. In Early Feb or Late jan. I emailed him again and asked how the dating thing was going for him.. We joked about how we'd both had many first dates but nothing seemed to be sticking. We tried to set a few things up but he got sick or the timing was off. So he called Friday and was very easy to talk to. Of course I was ill then so no plans could be made to do anything and I knew he had this date on Sat. anyway.

I don't know why, but I cried when I got his email of rejection. He is only recently separated/divorced, as in less than a year, and seems very eager to get into a relationship,. That should send warning signs. Oh, and this is going to be really really shallow, but he had a "bird clock" hanging on his wall, and a few kind of cutesie knick knacks around. Kind of that Walmart country decor.

Yes, I want someone. I want to have that sense of belonging again and feel romantic and loved, and secure. But am I thinking of settling? Are my expectations too high?

Now, david...The semi long distance contact...I wonder if there is anything there besides the physical. Hell, I haven't even seen him in person yet but physically, sexually, it is ON! There is hardly any conversation on the phone though. I am thinking he might just be in it for the sex. Completely not what I want.

another lonely and depressing day.

A change is what I needed. I got my hair cut last night, coloured it a burgandy colour (it's temporary until I can get my niece to colour it), I dressed up and went out. Only for a short period of time. My throat has been hurting so I did not see my internet buddy this weekend. We did "talk" over IM and webcam.

Today I got an email from an old friend, George. I was in love with him when I was a mere 19 years old and he 29. I had googled him and wrote to him. I don't know why. I know he called me a few years back. Mike had answered the phone and didn't take a message. George said in his email that he didn't want to cause problems so he never called back. He married in 2000. He sent a picture of his family. Very lovely and somewhat depressing. Not because I still love him...But maybe because I am simply alone and everyone seems to have someone. I still occasionally feel that pang that I missed out on having kids. I have no idea why I feel that way. My tubes tied themselves several times today while walking through the mall. It is just about that feeling I guess. That sense of belonging. the sense of family that I don't have. Maybe it is that I want to BE a kid again. I dunno. Yeah. I am having a lonely day today.

Happy Valentines day....

Update: I have had another first date (last Sunday) It wasn't a hit.

I got a piece of mail for Mike Dated Feb 5th, and I opened it thinking it was junk. It was from his retirement account and it was addressed to the both of us so it really doessn't count as snooping. Most times I just throw them away but this time I decided to open it (there were two). Both were to confirm address changes from my address here (one just had his name on it so I assume he told them that I needed to be taken off). Instead of listing the address he has with Gina in her new condo though, it lists a NEW address in another county. Hmmmm. I wonder if he has moved away from her or if they bought a house together. Funny, he always said he would never buy a house in this address area because of the traffic. I know there was a guy he worked with (in that county) who wanted Mike to rent his home while he lived in Fla. but when I did a reverse search on the addy, it doesn't even come up. I dunno. I can't imagine Gina moving from another state to here just to have to sell again. Plus, their condo had three bedrooms so it isn't like it was tiny in case they're expecting (which wouldn't surprise me). So he has moved three times in a year.

When I got the letter, I was crushed. It was yet another sign of my life seemingly being out of control. I didn't know what this man was doing after 10 years of having that right to know. Does that make sense? I cried all day...again. I don't know why it upset me so much. It didn't even occur to me that it could mean they aren;t together anymore. It was last Sunday after my who knows how many first date failures, that I was driving home and an overwhelming sense of peace and forgiveness toward him came over me. I don't know how to explain it. Usually after a date flop I get all emotional again, longing for that companionship and security that I thought I once had. This time I didn't. When I realized that he may have broken up with her, I didn't have that smug satisfaction. I felt kind of bad and sorry for him. I was almost tempted to call him and let him know that he was forgiven. I didn't. Maybe partly because I didn't want it to be seen as a weakness in that I was desperate to have him back. Maybe because I didn't think he really deserved to know. It was a quiet forgiveness for me. I have the address. I haven't had the urge to drive by and check things out. I only drove by the gina house once when I found out. Maybe I am getting better.

I am writing a guy who about an hour away. We do IM with the web cam. He's into art and makes a living as an artist. He is very cute by my standards...Actually my dream guy physically. We're supposed to meet this weekend though i don't think I can make it. We've had two snow days and I took a day off work because I was ill. There is a lot of catching up to do but then again, i just forgot we have a three day weekend. Maybe I CAN afterall.

I renewed my gym membership for a whole year this time. I can't believe six months has already nearly come to pass. We only have about 13 weeks of school left. Wow!. I have cabin fever and a little bit of Spring fever right now. Overall, life is good.

Separation anxiety...

So it is finally manifesting in my dreams. In the last two months I have dreamed about my mother. Two right before christmas and one last night. In the first dream it was a revisitation of her announcing she was sick. For some reason she was moving back with me and I had to prepare for that. I remember in my dream thinking OMG, I have to go through all of this losing her again and all the pain. I must have been in that half awake half asleep state because I was conscious enough to realize she was dead already but out of it enough to still be real.

The second dream I had involved her moving away and not leaving a forwarding address. Again, I felt so alone, empty and incredibly sad. For some reason half way through the dream it became Roxanne (my sister) that left. In some ways that was even worse.

Last night was interesting. Mom and Nick were both alive and moving out of the house because they had bought a really nice house close by. I was packing my stuff....It was a bunch of looose and small things that I was stuffing into various containers that didn't have lids, or the bags were too flimsy to hold it. I remember being at risk of all of the things I packed being spilled onto the floor and scattering all over. Midway through my packing ordeal I realized I had bought this house and that i was happy to live here. I did not want to go with them and was relieved. There was still a part of me that was sad to see them go but the overall feeling of the dream was one of peace.

I remember having dreams of Nick after he died. There was one where he was going away for good. I don't remember dreaming of him again after that. I don't want my mom to go away. I don't feel her here though. I haven't since shortly after her death. Maybe this is her way of telling me that she is still here. I don't know. Maybe she is telling me that I will be ok, suck it up and deal with life.