So it is finally manifesting in my dreams. In the last two months I have dreamed about my mother. Two right before christmas and one last night. In the first dream it was a revisitation of her announcing she was sick. For some reason she was moving back with me and I had to prepare for that. I remember in my dream thinking OMG, I have to go through all of this losing her again and all the pain. I must have been in that half awake half asleep state because I was conscious enough to realize she was dead already but out of it enough to still be real.
The second dream I had involved her moving away and not leaving a forwarding address. Again, I felt so alone, empty and incredibly sad. For some reason half way through the dream it became Roxanne (my sister) that left. In some ways that was even worse.
Last night was interesting. Mom and Nick were both alive and moving out of the house because they had bought a really nice house close by. I was packing my stuff....It was a bunch of looose and small things that I was stuffing into various containers that didn't have lids, or the bags were too flimsy to hold it. I remember being at risk of all of the things I packed being spilled onto the floor and scattering all over. Midway through my packing ordeal I realized I had bought this house and that i was happy to live here. I did not want to go with them and was relieved. There was still a part of me that was sad to see them go but the overall feeling of the dream was one of peace.
I remember having dreams of Nick after he died. There was one where he was going away for good. I don't remember dreaming of him again after that. I don't want my mom to go away. I don't feel her here though. I haven't since shortly after her death. Maybe this is her way of telling me that she is still here. I don't know. Maybe she is telling me that I will be ok, suck it up and deal with life.
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