less than a month to go for 2012

I have lived in my house 30 years last month.  My nephew will be thirty this month.
Last month I was divorced 5 years.  This month I will be living alone (happily) for 6 years.
October was 5 years of being smoke free.  This month it is one year ago that I contacted Frank to have my house redone.

I love it.  It's calm, peaceful, beautiful, and a reflection of my style for the most part.  My things are happy here.  I am happy here.  I have parties here and feel no embarrassment when friends and family come over.

It is getting to be close to Christmas break and I have lots of unstructured time coming up.  I need to keep from doing destructive things and plan some adventures.  I need to take care of myself inside and out.  This is what I hope to concentrate on in the thirteen.

Peace, love, adventure and health is what I hope for.

Will Frey the third and Austin Zehnder are rapists.  Will Frey even still has his facebook up.  Stupid and Cocky Rapist.  Thinks he's smart because he put his high school (Trinity) in Texas, yet in his friend's lists, he is friends with Freys and Zehnders from Louisville.    Savannah Dietrich is in trouble for tweeting the name of these old enough to know better young men because they not only sexually assaulted her but they also sent/posted pictures of it to their friends. Now THEIR images and names are spreading like wildfire.  Good!

https://www.facebook.com/HelpSavannahDietrich?ref=stream

Since May...

What have I done?
Home improvements are finished
I had a couple of parties here at my home...I want to have more.
Went back packing in early June...just a small little trip for me to get my feet wet in.
I went to Paddle fest in late June...lots of fun.
Paddled in a beautiful river in Troy OH (The Mad River).  The water was cold, and crystal clear, fed from a spring.
Painted my office and I am getting a futon for it so that I have plenty of sleeping space should I ever need it.

I really don't feel like I have done much this summer but it's not over yet. It has been a drought...again. Last year was so wet but the last 5 years has been more drought than not.

Some of the boats for paddle fest.

Cute dog named Layla.  She sat on her master's Kayak with a few dips in the river.

All the colours of the boats together...awesome.

Water station

Me at the finish on the Serpentine wall.

An italian Ice in a cincinnati reds hat cup.

Shark!  And pirate!

Paddle boards....Someday I would love one

Almost finished

My kitchen is fully functioning with lots of storage.  I love it.  Today I have been getting things back in order.  Putting the nice couch cover on (now that the dust is settling), getting the spare room set up (though Frank did a great job of putting things back in order) and doing all of the final things that need to be done.  


School is almost over and it's been a very warm and early spring.  New house, soon some rest and reflection on how I want my life to go.  I am ready to make a new start.  I have my grown up home now.  It's reflecting me and my style and now I need to redo some things about myself, physically and mentally that reflect my true self.

Dick Clark ....

Dick Clark died today.   He was 82.

 My mother should still be alive.  6 years ago was the start of all that was wrong.  Danny's child Nick died.  Mom was too sick to go to the funeral.  I went to the funeral by myself.

6 years ago was the worst year of my life.

Today I found out how luck I am.  How my marriage was based on more than the lies of how I thought we were a happy couple.  Fidelity.  Trust.  honesty.  None of those existed as I thought.  It makes me feel just fine to know that now.  I can take him down from that pedestal that I know he didn't belong on anyway.

Amazing.

Yes, I know him

No, i don't want to make him my friend.

I am ready..

For the home improvements to be finished
for the school year to be finished
I am ready for summer fun and relaxation.  Visualizing a finished home...organized life...healthy and stress free.

What I envision...

I look at pictures of happy couples with their 2.4 kids and their over priced professional staged pictures capturing that sugary sweet halmark moment.

What does it sound like in between?  Kids screaming, husband yelling at the wife to watch the kids or sitting there looking disinterested until it's time to smile.  Can he wipe that smarmy look off of his face?  Or does he have to be posed strategically so that his face is not showing.

I know that look.  The over reaching attempts to create the Martha Stewart family time.  The gatherings with matching sweaters and pajamas.  Look at us, we're solid.  We're a family.

She got what she wanted...maybe.  The beautiful house, the kids, the...husband?  Or is he just a wallet.

He got what he wanted...The beautiful house, the prestige of a high position job (with an education bought by his former wife).  He also got to play the passive * life just happens* card in case something goes wrong.  Then he can say he didn't have a choice and he had to make the best of it and face his responsibilities.  His friends already say this for him.  He has their sympathy.  They're foolish too.

Things are looking beautiful

Hall bathroom is finished
Crown moulding and the baseboards and trim are up
Kitchen cabinets and the flooring are in progress...Hopefully they should be ready to be filled up this week and I can start getting organized with all the junk lying all over the place.  I feel like I am living in an episode of hoarders.
still need to get the counters ordered and my master bath needs to be done.  Maybe about 3-4 weeks to go?

I am ridiculously happy about the changes being made.

teachers getting plastic surgery as perk...

http://www.surgery.org/consumers/plastic-surgery-news-briefs/teachers-upstate-york-enjoy-plastic-surgery-job-perk-1036103

I would definitely love this perk.  What I would do...Rhinoplasty, breast reduction, and maybe see if there would be any way to fix the lopsidedness of my eye since I had the Bell's palsy.  All that would still be less than if I used my insurance for the choice to have a child.

Perhaps that's what they should do for insurance.  Anything that is medically UNnecessary (such as plastic surgery or pregnancy) should be offered as a choice.  If you choose to have plastic surgery, you can't have kids for 5 years.  If you choose to have kids, you can't have plastic surgery until after 5 years of your child being born.  So that way, you could either choose to continue having children, or choose to continue having plastic surgery procedures but you could not do both one on top of another....maybe. That way everyone gets to have elective procedures (and yes, parenthood IS an elective).

A little blue today....

I suppose it's being anxious about the home improvements being made.   The house is in disarray and it's stressing me a little.  I am off tomorrow and I think I will get some stuff caught up then.  I kind of piddled around to day and didn't really do much.  Went for a long ride.  Thought about the up coming lenten season and what I was going to give up and take on.  I need to really think about that in the next couple of days.

Feeling anxious about my job and what is to come.  Me, teaching things that are outside my comfort zone.  If I can't teach art I always said I wouldn't be a teacher.  Reality, time off...benefits...steady work...I really couldn't beat it and I need to just simply be thankful that I have a job.

I was feeling a little regretful of things I had done.  Things that I had said. Things I can never undo.  I need to let it go.  I usually can but today I had a day of wallowing.  I was angry today.  Angry at HIM, angry at her (my mother).  Both for leaving me.  I have a hard time getting close to someone.  I need to work on being a better friend, letting myself be vulnerable.  That's hugely frightening.  I've come sooo far.  Sooo  far.  I can keep going.

Validation...

All of your friends know how you "made it".
One of your friends called you a virus because you take what you need and then move on.  Parasite is more like it.
You think you're better than everyone else, and yet you couldn't motivate yourself to do well unless you took the coward's way out.  What are you going to do when the shit hits the fan in your new life?  That's going to be a hell of a lot messier and I doubt your shallow little brain has learned anything yet.
I hear you're not a really active parent...I figured as much.  That way you're protected when the shit does hit the fan.  You can say they "weren't planned" (a laugh...You avoided it for 10 years).  You can say that you didn't have a say in their upbringing. etc. from what I hear, she's a shallow being as well so the kids don't stand a chance.
As for your father and your weeping, mourning, and beating of your short man chest, do you remember when he was sick in the hospital and pretty much lost his mind?  What did you say?  You said he should go ahead and be a man and stop taking his meds and DIE.  Yes, you said that.  So you feel guilty now??  You should.  It disgusted me when I heard it back in 2003 and you disgust me now because I am allowed to feel it.  You're a selfish hateful being.

A user.

I cursed you once.  You remember don't you?  I wonder if you think about that on the hard days.  Those days when you want to escape.  You'll never be able to now.  Unless you want to be like Jamie and abandon them.  character runs really deep in your family.  You feel ashamed that you have come from them.  You look down on them because you're "better".  Deep inside though, you know you're not.

I am free.  I was blind to what you were because I somehow loved you.  Sure, there were great things about you and I believed in you.  Maybe deep down though there was something that I couldn't love and didn't realize it.  Yes, I am free.  Think about that on your hard days.  You may have your education and be living in your stately home making the big bucks with your stay at home wife and your 2.5 brood but I am free.  Not tied down to materialism and enjoying life on a modest scale but grandiose in freedom from worry...freedom from stress...freedom from drama.  I never thought it possible to be so happy.  The best thing you ever did was leave me.  Thank you.

I would rather be alone...

than go through the pain I did when my marriage died.

Sometimes I don't even want to get to know someone.  They disappoint me so early on and I have such little patience for it all.