Pranks and crayons and smells.

I have an old book from my seniour show in 1996. It has signatures in it from all the friends, family and classmates who attended. I pulled it out because I wanted to put a quote in it from Leonardo Da Vinci and I opened to a page in the middle. There was written K......You SUCK! Big DICKS! Love mom. IT has been a long couple of weeks and that topper was just something not needed. I think I remember seeing the prank before and maybe laughing at it. Today I ripped it out. Today it just wasn't funny.

Should I add that gas was $3.09 today? I shouldn't, because it depresses me so, but it is history in the making.
Things that are good...
Still not smoking
A metal box of Caran D'Ache water soluable crayons, that have barely been used. They smell old, like a mildewy old house with creaky floors. It is one of the quirky smells that I like. It reminds me of the home that I never saw, never lived in.
Things are getting clearer at school. Really, there is very little difference between teaching small children and middle school kids. Except the nose picking.

I will be fine. I will be fine. I will be fine.

When the Spirit does not work with the hand, there is no art.

~Leonardo Da vinci!

Happy thoughts?

What are they today?

Well, I guess I can be happy that my cholesterol was good. Blood sugar normal, girly parts in good working order. Thyroid numbers or whatever was a little low and need to be retested. A little isn't really bad though right?

In Computer class, I learned some silly little things that I should know, but I didn't, about word processing. I feel a little more at ease since there are people there that know less than I do.

My thoughts are with the people along the Gulf coast. I hope a full recovery will be quick and easy. How sad on the news that they showed a seal trapped inland. I don't know if he came from an aquarium or what, but the poor thing was in bad shape. They had to kill him because there was no place to put him or care for him. :( :(

God help me...

I think I had my first panic attack. It was Wednesday, and I felt for sure that I would not wake to see the morning as my heart was beating so fast. I was shakey and dizzy, and I cried all night. Poor M didn't know what to do so he went out and bought the universal calmer, ice cream. My world was truly crashing around me and I couldn't talk myself out of it. The feeling isn't with me as much, but I am not all there yet. I keep telling myself that it is just the change of things, and hormones, but I just can't shake it. I have never been this bad. I feel almost paralyzed.

But I am not smoking.

Positive things to think about...

I haven't seen one child pick their nose

the kids all know how to hold and use scissors, glue, hold a pencil etc.

They can be REALLY funny. I like them, even when they are turds.

Funny psycho hummingbirds that fly at our windows when we open the blinds.

A warm fuzzy lap kitty.

chamomile tea.

A few thoughts on Art.

A painting that belonged to R ic (dad). It was one of my favourites. Seems he had an eye for art, but claims not to have had the talent. The artist's name is Dino Valls. There was another painting I liked but didn't snap a picture of, by an artist named Santiago Carbonell. Funny that we went around snapping pictures of the house and all the artwork when no one was looking.

Dad had several Richard MacDonald bronze sculptures throughout his home. A few were beautiful, but they were too much of the perfect female form and the perfect male form. Perfection becomes boring. Cliche. The dancer that can be found on this pagehttp://www.artviewcarmel.com/galleries/display_listings.php is one that he owned. I think it was his favourite.

Well hell....

I forgot some very important information with my last few posts.

I quit smoking way back on August 11th. The first few days were hell, but I have forgotten all about smoking except for a few fleeting moments of anxiety. The real test will be when I get together with the gang on the First Thursday bar meeting, but I will rarely be able to make those anyway with school kicking my ass. September's First Thursday meeting has been moved to Friday. Reads like a Jay Leno Headline, no?

Songs

ANNA NALICK LYRICS"Breathe (2 AM)"

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?, I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason'

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe,

In May he turn 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
Just today he sat down to the flask in his fist,
"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year.
"Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him.
Maybe I'll just sing about it.

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.No one can find the rewind button, boys,So cradle your head in your hands,

And breathe... just breathe,


There's a light at each end of this tunnel, You shout
'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made,
you'll just make them againIf you only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowdCause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

But you can't jump the track,
we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button nowSing it if you understand.

and breathe,
just breathe
woah breathe,
just breathe,
oh breathe,
just breathe.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHH!

School starts on Monday, and my class starts on Tuesday.
I am not ready, but I am to the point where I am so not ready that I am actually ready for anything. I have essentially gone on auto pilot. It happens sometimes with me. I swear to god I shut down and another being takes over for a few weeks or sometimes even months. When I am finally back in charge from my "missed time" it is like Christmas or something and a whole new stress takes over. I kind of like when the big stressed hit though or the little ones build up enough to create the auto pilot person to take over.

I don't know who she is, this autopilot.

A few frightening thoughts:

I made a mistake in leaving my former school

It will be the first week of school next week, and guess what else it will be the first day for? Something that makes you happy sappy and weepy one minute, unexplainably euphoric the next minute, and a raging bitch a nano second after. Understand now? Like I said, frightening.

A few shots of the place that was almost like my second home for a year and a half. It was a different world. To be sure of that.

It will be three years soon...

I will speak of him someday soon..

A few of my favourite flowers. Portulacas. This picture is a few years old, and even though they aren't supposed to come back year after year, they do anyway. I am lucky like that.

Hummingbird come lately..

We changed the hummingbird feeder and placed it closer to the house. Finally we have some action. Sadly so late in the season. The grasses are all brown in the late summer drought. It even looks like fall.

I am two days not smoking. I feel tired. sad. jumping out of my skin. This too shall pass. blah blah blah.

I have to go to the doctors tomorrow for my annual check up. She will yell at me for not having my bloodtests last year and for skipping the Mammogram. I do promise to have them done this year.

Peter Jennings and stuff

So he died last night. I immediately thought of my mother. Not that I wasn't sad for him, but you know, it hits home. I went to see her today. She is in good spirits and still convinced she will be around for a long time.

"did you hear about Peter Jennings?" she asks. Yes I tell her. I can't believe how quickly he went.
"Well, he had the Small Cell cancer" I don't have that. And then we speak of other things such as me being ready for school, the cats, gardening, Belle (her big German Shep) and other fun topics.

I went to my old school today to see if my replacement was there. I wanted to introduce myself and see if she needed any help with organizing, or if she had any questions. She will be in London until the day before school starts. I do want to work closely with her since I will have all her students. I need to make sure she keeps them learned.

Yesterday I went shopping and finally got a pair of pointed shoes. They are Steve Maddens Black denim with a sequened rose on one side and a small kitten heel. TOO cute. I know that the pointed toe is probably going out of style by now, but I always have to be a year behind so that I can afford it. They were only 16.99. I also found a pair of SM slip ons at the thrift store for 3.00! They are brand new. Maybe worn once (they were sprayed with disinfectant and anti fungal spray).

I also hopped on the tunic wagon. I bought three shirts that have the loose angel like sleeves, Empire waist, long assymetrical hem. One is beaded but very low cut so I bought a darling little spaghetti strap tank in green crinkle silk with sequens at the top of it. I felt so pretty. I have decided to dress up more. I am tired of dressing slouchy because I am over weight and waiting to buy "good" clothes in a smaller size. I already have good clothes in smaller sizes, albeit out of style now, or close to it. I will get on the ball though. Lose weight, and stop smoking. I need a whole health overhaul.

My mother

This is mom. Beautiful no? She was about 15 years old and the drawing was taken from one of those photo booth picture takers. She often liked to dress up and go Vamping for the camera. Each picture was a different character. Her life has been like that as well. There is so much I will never know about her, and the things I do know about her give a feeling of saddness, struggle, strength, and anger.

Last July she was diagnosed with Lung cancer. It is advanced, and no cure for her. We all accept it and live day to day. I fight some of the feelings I have about her recently, but I won't get into that right now. Relationships with moms are complex, no matter how much you look up to them. In April her scan showed that a spot on her lung had decreased in size, and in June she was given a two month haitus from treatments. We are hoping the vaccation she has had has not caused anything to spread.

Enough about that though. I can only speak of the sickness in small doses.

This is a drawing I did this year. I entered it in an art show, but it was not accepted. No biggie. I later entered a drawing of my mother and it was accepted.

My favourite Poem

Clams
At midnight I awoke.
The clams I'd bought that evening
were alive in a corner of the kitchen,
their mouths open.

'In the morning
I'll eat you,
every last one of you'

I laughed
a witch's laugh.
After that
I could only sleep through the night,
my mouth slightly open.

~Ishigaki Rin~(translated from Japanese by Hiroaki Sato)