Lookit what I found...How beautiful!

 I had gone into the Party Town store to find some of those little containers people use to make jello shots.  I use those containers with lids for paints at school.  I spied these as I was looking around and I had to have them.  There were four there but they were 20 bucks each.  More than I usually spend on a wine.  One is a Riesling.  Not a huge fan of white wines but I do tend to like either a Riesling or a chablis or pinot grigio (spelling?).  I don't like Chardonay.  The other wine, below, is a Grenache.  I am not familiar with that.  I hope it isn't a sweet wine but like I said, I was more interested in the art on the bottles than the wine itself. 

I do like wine.  I usually drink a Cabernet or Merlot.  A Shiraz sometimes.  Really, any of the reds will do for the most part.  I want to expand my tastes.  I know mom and Nick used to always drink Chianti or some type of Burgandy.  It's been a long time since I had Chianti.  Maybe I will pick it up again and see if my tastes had changed.  I remember I didn't care for it too much in my younger years.

  The artists name is James Jean.  http://www.jamesjean.com/



I hope the wine is as good as the art looks.



The years that have passed

Measured in eras
Before parents were gone
After parents were gone
Before I was married
While I was married
After I divorced

My life has been more eventful within the last three years than it had almost ever been.

It's only been three years.
since I stopped smoking
since I divorced

It's been 4 years already
since mom died
since mike left

It's been 8 years since bio-dad died

It's been 9 years since I met bio-dad

It's been 17 years since Nick died

It's been forever ago for so many things that happened just yesterday.

A wonderful evening...

Being a kid
playing on a play ground
eating ice cream
finding joy in a container of brazil nuts
Sharing a sweet hug and a kiss, oblivious to our surroundings.

Remembering...

I remember when I used to wish so hard it hurt...that I would turn into my street and see your car in our driveway.

I remember when I woke up everyday hoping it was all just a really bad dream.

I remember hating you for leaving.

I remember so little of our life together.

I remember the last few years feeling proud, happy, triumphant and strong.

I remember what life was like before you.

I remember me.

Love...

Today I love music by over the rhine.
Today I love the clear blue skies and warm sunshine on the lake
Today I love the cooler temperatures easing their way in. Summer's not done yet though.
Today I love spending time with friends.
Today I love my house.
Today I love my life.
Today I love.

Reviving birds...

Today I watched the cats sitting at the window, tails twitching back and forth in unison. The sparrows were feeding frantically at whatever weed seeds are in the front yard and as happens every year, one hit the window. I looked out to see the dusty brown body lying on it's back as it flopped once and went still. I trudged myself out to get it, fully expecting to be wrapping it up in paper towels and a plastic bag for the garbage but as I picked the bird up, head and body limp, I noticed he was blinking. I sat him on his belly in my hand and his feet seemed to slightly grasp on but he kept his head turned to the side and limp. I figured I would hold him and keep him warm until he passed on as it was semi cool this early afternoon. I looked for a spot in the back yard to lay him down comfortably and away from any hawks or cats. I noticed when I turned back and forth, his head would move as if he was focusing on something so I opened my hand a bit more (I wasn't holding him very tightly anyway) and petted him for a few minutes as his head began to raise up. Finally, he gathered his wits about him and he flew off into the tall ornamental grass across the yard and looked at me for a minute. He was fine, with an adventure to tell.

moments of clarity...

In moments of clarity I realise:

I would not go back and change the outcome.

I am still charmed.

I am happy.

So I will keep you around a little longer...

The summer is winding down and even though I am begining to feel the sadness of the end, I have to take the time to be grateful for such an adventurous summer. I can't remember a time when I was so free and brave to do such things as ziplining, kayaking, going out with people that I didn't know well and putting out an effort to make new friends. There was a time in my 20s where I was starting to experience this kind of confidence and growth but it went away shortly after being married. I'm proud of the things I've done this summer and the person I am becoming.

What I have accomplished this year....

1. New bedroom set
2. New dishwasher
3. New computer, that I set up myself.
4. New TV
5. Hysterectomy (not sure if it was really a goal but I've taken charge of my health)
6. Got the window in front fixed.
7. New tires
8. video camera
9. Got rid of the exercise machine
10. Digital cable
11. Finally got the paperwork changed over at work to reflect my divorced status.

Lots of those goals are superficial. They were goals, of course, but not things that I really had to put a lot of thought into and some of them, like the TV, dishwasher, and my hysterectomy were not really goals that I had set out for, but were done out of necessity. I kind of sucked at the goal making this year and in September, I completey forgot to take inventory of what I really did want to accomplish, and then cram it into a few short months.

I do have some goals for this year. THey're small and manageable.
1. Save 300. per pay check
2. pay off all loans
3. reduce spending
4. Exercise at least 4 times a week once I get the ok from the doctor.
5. lose 20 pounds by June.
6. finish some of the simple home projects.
7. Keep in better contact with friends and family...Be a better friend/sister/etc,.

I have to admit it....

I have fallen in love with the colour blue again. Prussian blue has long been a favourite but I have always had an aversion to Royal blue, UK blue, and baby blue. Lately I like lighter shades such as a steely grey blue...cadet blue in a box of crayons. Perwinkle...more of a purplish blue, cornflower, and sometimes a greyed down aqua blue, very light. Accented with cream and white it is very peaceful, calm and soothing. In Lexington I saw several adorable light aqua houses that are etched in my mind. They were unique houses in their own right, but all the more unique because of their sweet colours. If I ever go back, I will be sure to take a camera.

15 things that bring joy

1. Knee sox
2. mom's fruit cake that one day I will try to replicate.
3. Smart kids
4. unconditional love
5. The way my animals trust me (see #4)
6. Sunlight in all of it's forms...morning, high noon, and the warm glow of the setting.
7. Beautiful music
8. Beautiful art
9. dancing, either watching or doing, but not watching myself do.
10. a brand new box of crayons
11. Long drives in the country
12. that first taste of the finest chocolate.
13. March 17
14. Water..in a pool, in a stream, in an ocean, in a river, in a lake and even in a tub.

snow day...

Today we were off school and it looks as if we will be tomorrow too. I went ahead and put Josephina down today. She's burried in the back yard. It was more difficult to lose her than it was any of my other rats (except Rudy). She was more personable and rudy became less interactive when he began living with his woman rat LOL so she was a little more special. She used to play fetch when sitting in my old office with my legs proped up on the desk. She'd run down to get a small paper wad and crawl back up toward my hand til I threw it. She was independant and not afraid of the cats, but they were a little taken aback by her. I have elenore still.. The little one eared rat that I adopted in Sept. She's sweet and special too. Not as smart and comfy as Josie but sweet just the same.

I miss Josie and feel a little sad. I think I just have the winter blues in general. My fridge is stocked, my house is warm, and I have everything I need for teh next few days if we do indeed, get snowed in. Would be nicer to have someone else here with me, but that will be someday too. For now, I am still just enjoying the because I can time.

The new year so far...

Things have been going well. I feel happier and more peaceful than I have since 2004 when mom was first diagnosed with cancer. I feel a Renaissance period in my life. The best it truely yet to come.

Some pictures of my new furniture...

Farewell....

Goodbye to the old sectional. I got on Craig's list yesterday and advertised it for free and within minutes I had someone email me. Seriously, it was less than five minutes. She had it picked up today. As much as I hated having that sectional in my rectangular and oddly laid out living room, I was kind of sad to see it go. It belonged to mom and Nick and it's been in this house about 18 years. I kind of liked it when they got it but even then I remember thinking damn this thing is big and not really practical as you have to put it all the way to the back wall or if you move it up, it cuts the room in half with very little space to get around it. I love my mom of course, but sometimes she had the crappiest taste in furniture. Or maybe it was good taste but just outdated. I dunno. I did keep pictures of the sofa and I had taken pics of the room a few years ago too so I do have it to remember. I am excited about having my own stuff. Me, in the era of my mid life finally get to do what i want and have what I want.

And in 12 minutes....

It will be 2009 (or maybe by the time I write this it will already be). I am very much ready for the new year.

The last few years recap...
2002 Dad died
2004 mom diagnosed with Cancer
2005 not much going on, just coping
2006 Mom died, Mike left.
2007 Summer drought, Mike divorced me, Derek nearly died, Julie moved away, bought my house .
2008 Not too bad. Not bad at all. Lots of home improvements and personal gains emotionally.
2009...I am even more ready!

Welcome, and to everyone else, HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

How odd...

I went out today and finally bought some new furniture. Earlier this year (in the summer) I found a couch that I really liked but didn't buy it then. I went to the same store (different location) and saw it again on clearance so I bought it plus two end tables, a cocktail table and a chair and ottomon. It will be delivered on the 3rd. anyway, I just now read my horoscope for today which I now realise is tomorrow (is it really 1:12 am?) and this is what it says...

Today's Gemini Horoscope:Dec 31, 2008
Today you and the other members of your household might discuss the possibility of making some changes, dear Gemini. This might involve some redecorating, remodeling, or even something as mundane as a thorough cleaning. However, it could also involve the possibility of making a move to a different place. The need for change in your surroundings is apparent, so don't hesitate. Initiate the first steps!

So, I suppose the stars were all lined correctly for me to get my perfect sofa and furniture. seriously, I looked all over for a sofa that I liked and found none that I liked as well as this.

Traditions...

Today I took down my tree and while in the process, I dragged up all the Christmas stuff that was downstairs in the basement. I threw a lot of ornaments away that I didn't like and that did not reflect me and I found a lot of ornaments that I'd long forgotten about. Last year, 2007, was the year that I took Christmas back. I put up the big tree, strung the lights, but barely put any ornaments on it because of the cats (which blackie did find her way right into the middle of the tree).

Last year was a start but it didn't become a tradition. It was more of an attempt but not really sure where to go with it. I took the tree down two days after Christmas, I think, because it was important to get it down and get the new year started.

This year I had bought a small tree and I decorated it nicely but it did not hold all those favourite sentimental ornaments that I like (but didn't know that I had anyway). When I was going through all the ornaments, I did it in silence. So many were wrapped in yellowed newspapers and kept in old shopping boxes labeled Pogues and LS Ayers, which later became Hesses and then it was gone. One of them even had Happy Birthday Mom, from Roxanne and Kissy. I kind of felt bad for throwing them away but really, an old box that I have only seen maybe 4 times in the last 15 years? It's time to let it go. It is not like I am going to forget the names of my family and what is so great about remembering old stores that are long gone? Nostalgia I suppose. Just like the kids today love to shop at Abercrombie et al... When they get ot be my age, it will be something new. Maybe the Florence Mall, which was such a big deal when I was small, will be bulldosed over like the McAlpin's mall was. Some new concept to take it's place.

Anyway, back on topic. New tradition...Putting the tree up around the first week of Dec. and taking it down two-three days later (definitely by the 30th though). Brunch at Denice's, Going down to P. Park with the siblings to see their dad. I had fun and it was nice to feel included. Going through the ornaments and reassessing what I want to keep (because I know there were some that were boarderline). This Christmas was different than last year because I enjoyed it more fully as a single woman who was able to do what she wanted, when she wanted it and make her own way. It makes me feel both proud and secure to have that piece/peace.

Movies and thoughts...

Last night I watched the movie, The Women. The movie was about a woman (Meg Ryan) whose husband had an affair with Eva Mendez's character (who wouldn't?). Meg's closest friends knew about it before she did but Meg did, soon after, find out on her own. The movie was about betrayal. Betrayal between spouses, betrayal between friends, family, and most of all the betrayal to yourself. In the end, all bonds are in the state of repair and the divorce papers are never signed. Through out the whole movie, not one man is shown. Not her husband, not her best friend's male coworkers or her friend's husbands...none. The only male shown was at the end when her eternally pregant friend finally gives birth to the son she had been wanting in that complete cliche that the birth of a baby is hope born and fresh starts and yaddah yaddah, yaddah. So lame of an ending, but the movie was ok.

Anyway, people kept trying to get Meg to find where she was culpable in the destruction of the marriage. She was in denial saying she wasn't culpable, she was the perfect wife etc. The deeper meaning of this movie was that yes, she was the supportive wife, the good mother, the home maker and commitee person to this that and the other cause, but she was not true to her. That was her culpability. She couldn't be a good anything because she wasn't good to herself.

It hit home. For the last two years I wanted to deny any part I had in my failed marriage. After all, I was the supportive wife who basically put him through law school, stood behind him when he decided to quit his regular job and try the stock market and then write a book. I thought I praised him enough when he did things around the house.... I did all that. But, I did not do any of those things for myself. I even put aside grieving for my mother so that I didn't disturb him.

Even my friendship with Julie became tainted with sadness and disappointments. I wonder how many other people saw this passive and apathetic person.

One of the things that Meg did in the movie was make a vision board. It was labeled What do I want? She would add drawings to it, pictures, words, etc. A friend of mine brought in a book about making vision boards so I was somewhat familiar with what they were. It has to do with the laws of attractions which the book The Secret is based on. I have been wanting to make a vision board for a while but haven't gotten around to it. I am inspired to do my own *What do I want?* vision board. It seems that is a good jumping off point.

Which leads me to this...

Creativity. That is what I want. I have forgotten how to be and at one time that was such a joy in my life. I want that back. I found this... 21 ways to be more creative. Another starting off point. :)
http://christinekane.com/blog/21-ways-to-be-more-creative/#comment-200703