How things change in a day...

This is just cut and pasted from a message board that I post at. I didn't feel like writing it all down again. This is from Saturday, July 28th which was dh's birthday.

I am having a REET evening that I am not particularly proud of and is totally uncharacteristic of me. Dh (that is damned husband) and I were supposed to see each other tonight. I checked his home and work plus a few hangouts that he hangs out at after calling his phone a few times. Finally I got an answer but it wasn't him who answered it was a woman named Deena. She actually had the nerve to ask WHO IS THIS?? I said uh, is this Mikes phone, thinking that maybe I hit the wrong number. He then got on the phone. He was at a swanky restaurant (it is his birthday today) and I said where the FUCK are you. He said *swanky restaurant's name* and I yelled was that the GIRLFRIEND!! then he hung up on me after I started yelling at him (I think they were singing happy b-day in the background) So I went psycho and have left numerous voice messages on his phone. I even went down to this restaurant but talked myself out of going inside. I didn't even see them. Later i did go back but they'd already gone (thank god.)

I knew he was seeing someone who'd he had been set up with from a friend of ours but as of the last few weeks he said they stopped seeing each other and I hadn't seen SO in two weeks because we were supposed to be working things out ya know. I have been completely honest with him about things. HE'S the one that is supposed to be putting in the effort and obviously he has NOT been honest. I hate to say this, but I am going to confess to more psychoness so you all can bitch slap me into sanity. I even called the friend who set them up (they're all otu together) and left a message explaining my psychotic behaviour, that her friend probably didn't know that Mike and I were supposed to be working things out and that he was supposed to have been with me tonight. I have never done anything like this before. I am shocked that he would do something like this. He is not the man that I knew at all.

I am too pissed to be in tears right now, but I have no doubt that is coming. Actually I am shocked at the stalkerish behaviour I exhibited tonight too. What the hell is she answering HIS phone for?? And then having the nerve to ask who is this? OMG! I always respected his privacy and let him answer his own damn phone and I would expect him to do the same for me let alone let a girlfriend that you really don't want to be with answer it. So I don't think we're going to work things out now. I probably pissed him off and I know damn well I am beyond pissed.Hope all that makes sense. ANd I will say it again before anyone else does Okellern=REET temporarily (I hope).

So yesterday I had my SO come and change my locks. Mike called and gave me the whole bullshit about being sorry and how I didn't deserve to be treated this way blah blah blahfucking BLAH. One of the things I found out after talking to Keri (the friend who set him up with this girl) was that he told her he wanted kids. He told me he didn't want to see her anymore because she wanted kids. He also tried to pass the responsibility for HIS actions by saying I never called him or showed interest. That was not for ME to do! HE is the one who walked out on me and HE is the one who said he didn't want the divorce. He then blamed SO and my relationship with him. I hadn't seen him for two weeks (though I did see him platonically on Friday night). Like I said, I was completely upfront about what was going on. I had cleared out the dresser and his closet again in preparation for him to move back in. I was mentally preparing for this even though I wasn't sure I was in love with him anymore. I just thought it would take some work to get to that in love state and it was starting to happen when we were talking more. Now this.

Anyway, he came to pick up some of his things yesterday because I had given him an ultimatum that he either call me back that night or he could get his things this week. So when he called, I told him he had to make arrangements to get his stuff. He wanted to come right then but I told him SO was there. At first I said I had a guy changing my locks but then I just didn't care about his feelings and told him that SO was there and I didn't know when he was leaving.

He is coming over in about an hour to pick up the huge antique radios in the house. I hate those damn things.

I will discuss more later and write down the details. Right now I just wanted to record the events.

I have bought my first house...

I will soon be finished with all of the finalizing of mom's estate and I have paid off my brother and sisters. Next week the deed will be transfered to me and i can officially say that I am a homeowner!

I am having issues with my teeth again. Have a dentist appnt. on Wed. I am so tired of having these same two teeth giving me all kinds of problems.

mid summer blue...

this Friday will be the one year anniversary of my mom's death. My sister is coming over and a bottle of crappy wine called 4 sisters awaits us even though two of my sisters won't be here for the life rememberence. That is ok though. I should get some nice snacks and some of mom's favourite candies for us to enjoy. I want to make it special.

The summer for me is almost over. Next week I will be participating in the summer ready program for school. It only is four hours a day, and then a week off before we have to get back to the grind. It will be weird going back to work this August and not having to worry about taking classes. Geesh. I will actually have some kind of life during the fall and winter months.

It used to be that I dreaded the days getting shorter. June 21st was the worst time because the days got shorter so quickly. Now it isn't so bad. I can't say that I am a 100% ready to go back to work because we have a lot of changes this year, but I am not agonizing over it like I was this time last year. Well, I guess I wasn't really agonizing over much of anything except the loss of my mother really.

Things are still confusing with my love life. M is supposed to come over tonight. And yes, I did see SO the other day. It was good. Realistically if I put things into perspective though, the newness of a relationship is always so intoxicating. But there is let down. There is uncertainty. Up until this last crazy year, I had always considered myself lucky to have M in my life.. I don't know what will happen but love is more than sex and having a good time. it is committment. We were once very committed to each other. Maybe we can be again. God I wish I could know if the future was worth it. I am not a gambler, though I really don't know what the safer path would be.

what's it been?

A week now? things are not better. M and I have spoken or seen each other a little more lately, but it is damn hard to work on your marriage when you only see or talk to each other maybe once or twice a week. Even when we do talk, it is pretty lite and tiptoeing around everything. i am having serious doubts that this will work. He has this new job and he is getting his footing and working long hours to get caught up and get the hang of things, but where is the balance? It doesn't help that he could find time to go out with friends the other day. same old shit.

I am sick to death of worrying about things. I haven't been able to break it off completely with SO. I am debating on weather or not to go see him tonight. I know I am going out with my GF tonight for dinner and drinks, but I don't know what is going to happen beyond that. You know what? At this point I don't care. Maybe I won't break it off at all. Maybe I won't get back with M.. Why should I? Anger... It is such a better state to be in than depression. It sure the hell is.

I hate titles...

Today I feel like crap. So I hadn't written about the man that I have been seeing since March 3rd. He is a great guy and we've spoken every day since and have seen each other 2-3 times a week. I could have fallen in love with him. I was on the verge but keeping it tempered because I didn't want to be a rebound user (I have been the rebound girl before and it sucked). I guess I am a rebound user anyway. For the last couple of weeks, M and I have discussed getting back together. He doesn't want the divorce now even though I signed the papers. I feel I owe it to our marriage to see if we can work it out. Yesterday I told my Significant Other of 4 months that M and I were going to get back together and that I couldn't work on my marriage with him in the picture. Not those exact words, and not that cold. I told him over the phone because M threw a wrench in our plans for dinner by deciding to come over. After M left I had called him and then he came over later.

I can't stop crying. I figure I just hate the finality of things. Or maybe it is sleep deprivation from listening to a screeching puppy all night long (more about that later but right now I just need to yell into the big black void). Maybe I am crying because I fear I am making the biggest mistake of my life. Funny how you want to hold onto something when you know you will never see it again. I am sure I would feel the same if M went ahead and filed those papers. It is a no win situation. I just wish I had a crystal ball to tell me what would be the right choice. I hate this.

June...

Yesterday 16th was my birthday. Since I didn't throw myself a party, the only people who remembered it was my birthday were my sister, niece, and my best friend.

M came over today with the divorce papers. Today he found out exactly how I feel. It was nice to get it off my heart though my eyes are sore, red and tired.

I am really tempted to get a dog. I fell in love with one and I already named him Fernando. I will call him Fred for short. We'll see. I don't think my cats will forgive me though they do well when Lucy comes to stay. I need someone to watch over me. God knows cats make lousy guard animals.

June 14th 2007

Today I got my diploma in the mail. My mailman actually brought it to the door because he didn't want it to get bent and he congratulated me. It was sweet of him. In the past 5.5 months, I have spoken to my soon to be Ex about 10-12 times. He never calls. So much for caring about me and wanting to continue some sort of a relationship. You know he wanted to get back together in April. Said he wanted to call more and stop over more. He never followed through. I would have gotten back with him back then if he had shown any effort. What a stranger he has turned out to be. I mourn the death of the man I thought was my husband. It is actually easier to think of it as a death because death is not personal.

Here is my wish for him:
I hope he becomes "motivated"
I hope he knocks up some starry eyed younger girl
I hope he is forced to pay child support and is hounded every day of his miserable life by someone he does not love and he CAN'T walk away from.
Better yet, I hope he marries her and she gets knocked up a couple of more times and nags him to death while his kids grow up completely fucked up (cuz he is far from fatherhood material) and hate him for it.

Oh if all of that happens, I know he will lie to himself and to everyone else and exclaim how happy he is and how fatherhood has made him a better person (tm). I know better. He had the best life possible with a wife who accepted him as he is, believed in him, and gave him the freedom and trust to grow and be happy. I hope he gets every god damned thing he deserves and more.

What will happen to me? Well, I know that I can't get myself into a hopeless situation because women hold all the cards in that way. I will live my life, unappologetic. Free. determined to be happy and successful in my job and life. Maybe someday I will find someone. Maybe not. Maybe I will make great long lasting friendships. Maybe I will travel ('specially to a certain southern city if your reading crazy lady:) ). Short-term goals include fixing up my house and buying cool shit!!!

Today I am happy. Why shouldn't I be?

updates

I finally am a graduate. 4.0 BTW.
School/work is winding down and the wind down is giving me time to think. Not pleasant thoughts. I never finished mourning my mother, barely even started mourning my marriage.

My hair is falling out. Fairly large clumps are left in each shower. I know it will grow back but I don't know what else will be waiting around the corner. My body seems to like to spring on new illnesses once all the stresses have settled down or at least they seem to settle down. I am tired all the time. Even falling asleep in the chair as soon as I come home from work. Half the time I don't even remember feeling sleepy or even what was going on before I fell. It is weird. As if I lose time or something. I wake up kind of disoriented and confused. When I need to function though I am so incredibly good at doing what needs to be done. In that way, I have been proud of myself.

I may be working this summer. It will be a nice diversion. It isn't that I need the money, though the house will need repairs and I am really looking forward to buying my own furniture someday. Really. Nothing belongs to me except a few appliances, the beautiful flatware I bought last year and my bedroom set that I bought as a high school graduation present for myself. Nearly everything in this house belonged to someone else and non of it reflects my style or taste. I don't know what my style is even.

So, things to look forward to...
Being a home owner (within months)
doing the things *I* want to do with the house.
having freedom and independence to be proud of.

Today again...

Well, really it was yesterday.
I found out you had not been honest with me.
I am not mad, more relieved. I am still friends with her. Disappointed in the way you handled it.
You haven't made an effort once again.
Today I will let you go. Cut you out.
Today I am realizing that I can't feel anything.
Today I want to clear everything out of the house. Everything that you have touched.
As far as I am concerned, this whole thing never happened. I have only been asleep.
Today I woke up.

What was the guy's name that slept for years and then woke up?

Yes, another tomorrow is...

Tomorrow I go back to work and back to school.
It is almost over but I am already finished and can't get back on track.

Everything is almost over.

Tomorrow is...

The first day of spring.
Where did march go?
Where did the last three months go?
Where did the last 8 months go?
Where did my life go?
Was I asleep?
Am I awake yet?
Or am I stuck in the dreaming?

Tease tease...

It is cold today. I know how march is with the teasing. Sometimes the teasing is fun. It keeps you looking forward. Today, not so much. I want it warm. I want to be outside digging in the dirt, taking long walks, and driving with the sunroof open. I want school to be over. I am finished mentally. I need a break and not just that piddly week of spring break. I know it will go by quickly. It already has.

Whine whine.

Ok, goals.
eh, forget it. I will write some another time.

So here it is

A day of peaceful feelings? Maybe. I haven't decided yet.

Sometimes all I want to do is get on the phone and tell you...Come home. I miss you. Then I remember that I don't have to worry about disappointing anyone. And it is good.

There is..

Greenery sprouting up all over.
At school, there were pansies planted in the large concrete planters. They are the ultimate party flowers. The first to endure the cold spring and the last to leave when fall chill sets in. They are a comfort to me. My favourite flower just because of their tenacious nature. Strong and unafraid. Dependable.

Today I feel better. Today I feel like a pansy. Funny that.

Today is..

Tired.
Sad for the first time in a few months.
Confused again. Where did I put my goals and dreams?
A thinner day. That is good.
A visionary's day. I have the visions I just can't express them.
A day where your throat hurts because of the lump you are trying to swallow. I envision cutting it out. I want to make a blue painting. Picasso are you listening?

Today was a beautiful day. Sunny and mild, no need for a jacket. Still, I am cold. I haven't cried in months and even then I could't bring myself to cry all that much. My eyes don't work anymore. It just gets stuck in the throat.

Today is a day...

For listening to dark and broody music.
For cleaning out the clutter that is crowding my world and suffocating me.
For leaping and twisting in a manic frenzy to expel the angry energy.
To scream
To cry like a blood letting. Just because I can.

No, it is not what you think.

Time change

I can't remember all the plans I was making before december. I know I was looking forward to the spring and summer and I still am, but now everything is up in the air and unfocused again. That leaves me with a combination of feelings. Sad, excited, scared and maybe a little lonely. I am looking forward to the early time change and the day ending at near 8 oclock instead of 7. I think it will lift my mood some and maybe help me to remember what I had planned before the world turned upside down on me. Upside down is not so bad. It is an interesting view if you know what to look for. Change in perspective is always a good thing.

What have I learned? At the risk of sounding jaded, which I try to remain unjaded, I have learned that most people don't give a damn about learning about anyone. Or maybe it is just me. Am I too much an open book that noone seems to be curious? Or am I too closed up that people are afraid to ask? I always want to know someone's story but am reluctant to talk about myself unless asked. No one asks. Today I feel disgruntled about the human state. I don't know why. I just do. I am sure it will be short lived.

Today is

Saturday
Cold
Snow/rain mix and windy
Sit in the bath of scalding hot water to get warm kind of day
A mentally creative day but not so much a physically creative one
A day to watch the cats snuggle
A day to play good music
A day to dress up
A day to meet a new person
A day to have jitters
A good day