Will Frey the third and Austin Zehnder are rapists.  Will Frey even still has his facebook up.  Stupid and Cocky Rapist.  Thinks he's smart because he put his high school (Trinity) in Texas, yet in his friend's lists, he is friends with Freys and Zehnders from Louisville.    Savannah Dietrich is in trouble for tweeting the name of these old enough to know better young men because they not only sexually assaulted her but they also sent/posted pictures of it to their friends. Now THEIR images and names are spreading like wildfire.  Good!

https://www.facebook.com/HelpSavannahDietrich?ref=stream

Since May...

What have I done?
Home improvements are finished
I had a couple of parties here at my home...I want to have more.
Went back packing in early June...just a small little trip for me to get my feet wet in.
I went to Paddle fest in late June...lots of fun.
Paddled in a beautiful river in Troy OH (The Mad River).  The water was cold, and crystal clear, fed from a spring.
Painted my office and I am getting a futon for it so that I have plenty of sleeping space should I ever need it.

I really don't feel like I have done much this summer but it's not over yet. It has been a drought...again. Last year was so wet but the last 5 years has been more drought than not.

Some of the boats for paddle fest.

Cute dog named Layla.  She sat on her master's Kayak with a few dips in the river.

All the colours of the boats together...awesome.

Water station

Me at the finish on the Serpentine wall.

An italian Ice in a cincinnati reds hat cup.

Shark!  And pirate!

Paddle boards....Someday I would love one

Almost finished

My kitchen is fully functioning with lots of storage.  I love it.  Today I have been getting things back in order.  Putting the nice couch cover on (now that the dust is settling), getting the spare room set up (though Frank did a great job of putting things back in order) and doing all of the final things that need to be done.  


School is almost over and it's been a very warm and early spring.  New house, soon some rest and reflection on how I want my life to go.  I am ready to make a new start.  I have my grown up home now.  It's reflecting me and my style and now I need to redo some things about myself, physically and mentally that reflect my true self.

Dick Clark ....

Dick Clark died today.   He was 82.

 My mother should still be alive.  6 years ago was the start of all that was wrong.  Danny's child Nick died.  Mom was too sick to go to the funeral.  I went to the funeral by myself.

6 years ago was the worst year of my life.

Today I found out how luck I am.  How my marriage was based on more than the lies of how I thought we were a happy couple.  Fidelity.  Trust.  honesty.  None of those existed as I thought.  It makes me feel just fine to know that now.  I can take him down from that pedestal that I know he didn't belong on anyway.

Amazing.

Yes, I know him

No, i don't want to make him my friend.

I am ready..

For the home improvements to be finished
for the school year to be finished
I am ready for summer fun and relaxation.  Visualizing a finished home...organized life...healthy and stress free.

What I envision...

I look at pictures of happy couples with their 2.4 kids and their over priced professional staged pictures capturing that sugary sweet halmark moment.

What does it sound like in between?  Kids screaming, husband yelling at the wife to watch the kids or sitting there looking disinterested until it's time to smile.  Can he wipe that smarmy look off of his face?  Or does he have to be posed strategically so that his face is not showing.

I know that look.  The over reaching attempts to create the Martha Stewart family time.  The gatherings with matching sweaters and pajamas.  Look at us, we're solid.  We're a family.

She got what she wanted...maybe.  The beautiful house, the kids, the...husband?  Or is he just a wallet.

He got what he wanted...The beautiful house, the prestige of a high position job (with an education bought by his former wife).  He also got to play the passive * life just happens* card in case something goes wrong.  Then he can say he didn't have a choice and he had to make the best of it and face his responsibilities.  His friends already say this for him.  He has their sympathy.  They're foolish too.

Things are looking beautiful

Hall bathroom is finished
Crown moulding and the baseboards and trim are up
Kitchen cabinets and the flooring are in progress...Hopefully they should be ready to be filled up this week and I can start getting organized with all the junk lying all over the place.  I feel like I am living in an episode of hoarders.
still need to get the counters ordered and my master bath needs to be done.  Maybe about 3-4 weeks to go?

I am ridiculously happy about the changes being made.

teachers getting plastic surgery as perk...

http://www.surgery.org/consumers/plastic-surgery-news-briefs/teachers-upstate-york-enjoy-plastic-surgery-job-perk-1036103

I would definitely love this perk.  What I would do...Rhinoplasty, breast reduction, and maybe see if there would be any way to fix the lopsidedness of my eye since I had the Bell's palsy.  All that would still be less than if I used my insurance for the choice to have a child.

Perhaps that's what they should do for insurance.  Anything that is medically UNnecessary (such as plastic surgery or pregnancy) should be offered as a choice.  If you choose to have plastic surgery, you can't have kids for 5 years.  If you choose to have kids, you can't have plastic surgery until after 5 years of your child being born.  So that way, you could either choose to continue having children, or choose to continue having plastic surgery procedures but you could not do both one on top of another....maybe. That way everyone gets to have elective procedures (and yes, parenthood IS an elective).

A little blue today....

I suppose it's being anxious about the home improvements being made.   The house is in disarray and it's stressing me a little.  I am off tomorrow and I think I will get some stuff caught up then.  I kind of piddled around to day and didn't really do much.  Went for a long ride.  Thought about the up coming lenten season and what I was going to give up and take on.  I need to really think about that in the next couple of days.

Feeling anxious about my job and what is to come.  Me, teaching things that are outside my comfort zone.  If I can't teach art I always said I wouldn't be a teacher.  Reality, time off...benefits...steady work...I really couldn't beat it and I need to just simply be thankful that I have a job.

I was feeling a little regretful of things I had done.  Things that I had said. Things I can never undo.  I need to let it go.  I usually can but today I had a day of wallowing.  I was angry today.  Angry at HIM, angry at her (my mother).  Both for leaving me.  I have a hard time getting close to someone.  I need to work on being a better friend, letting myself be vulnerable.  That's hugely frightening.  I've come sooo far.  Sooo  far.  I can keep going.

Validation...

All of your friends know how you "made it".
One of your friends called you a virus because you take what you need and then move on.  Parasite is more like it.
You think you're better than everyone else, and yet you couldn't motivate yourself to do well unless you took the coward's way out.  What are you going to do when the shit hits the fan in your new life?  That's going to be a hell of a lot messier and I doubt your shallow little brain has learned anything yet.
I hear you're not a really active parent...I figured as much.  That way you're protected when the shit does hit the fan.  You can say they "weren't planned" (a laugh...You avoided it for 10 years).  You can say that you didn't have a say in their upbringing. etc. from what I hear, she's a shallow being as well so the kids don't stand a chance.
As for your father and your weeping, mourning, and beating of your short man chest, do you remember when he was sick in the hospital and pretty much lost his mind?  What did you say?  You said he should go ahead and be a man and stop taking his meds and DIE.  Yes, you said that.  So you feel guilty now??  You should.  It disgusted me when I heard it back in 2003 and you disgust me now because I am allowed to feel it.  You're a selfish hateful being.

A user.

I cursed you once.  You remember don't you?  I wonder if you think about that on the hard days.  Those days when you want to escape.  You'll never be able to now.  Unless you want to be like Jamie and abandon them.  character runs really deep in your family.  You feel ashamed that you have come from them.  You look down on them because you're "better".  Deep inside though, you know you're not.

I am free.  I was blind to what you were because I somehow loved you.  Sure, there were great things about you and I believed in you.  Maybe deep down though there was something that I couldn't love and didn't realize it.  Yes, I am free.  Think about that on your hard days.  You may have your education and be living in your stately home making the big bucks with your stay at home wife and your 2.5 brood but I am free.  Not tied down to materialism and enjoying life on a modest scale but grandiose in freedom from worry...freedom from stress...freedom from drama.  I never thought it possible to be so happy.  The best thing you ever did was leave me.  Thank you.

I would rather be alone...

than go through the pain I did when my marriage died.

Sometimes I don't even want to get to know someone.  They disappoint me so early on and I have such little patience for it all.

I am entitled...Yes, I said the E word!

So, I got a loan and here is what I am having done

Baseboards/crown moulding

New tile in the hall/foyer/kitchen

New cabinets and counter tops, sink etc. in kitchen

New bathrooms...All of them.

New front door

New interior doors

I should have it paid off in 7 years.  When I met with the banker yesterday he said my credit was flawless so I got the lowest rate possible.  Thank you Mom and Nick for teaching me well about spending.  I am so excited.  I let Frank know that the loan was approved (with conditions for right now...they have to check the house out and all that junk).  and he said we'd get together soon to choose the stuff and get the ordering started.  He said in a few weeks we could be starting the actual physical part of it.  I really can't wait to get a new front door with window!  It will let a lot of light in.  I am so glad I am doing this.  I was waiting and saving so that I could pay it all off but then I would never be able to enjoy my house.   After all that has taken place in the last 5.5 years, I am ENTITLED to live a good life, have nice things and be HAPPY and PROUD of the things I've worked for.  

So, that is where I stand today.  I am going to clean the house today and take pics of all the potential changes (the before pics).  It's especially poignant today because today, 5 years ago is when my new chapter in life began...This is the day that Mike left.  Five years of living by myself, taking care of myself and making sure my life was good.  It is.

  

To do...

Hiking today at the Nature center.  

Tomorrow I will start to put everything away from the old year and prep for the new year.  It starts on the 27th but it might not all be finished until the 29th or there abouts. It will definitely be finished by the 30th though.  It's like a spring cleaning in the winter.

And so it has come and gone...

Christmas is over.  It's always a relief when it is.  It's not that I don't like christmas, though I am not as loopy about it as most people, it's just that it's such a disruption from Thanksgiving until now.  Everything gets out of whack.  I guess that's why I look forward to the New Year so much because really, a moment in time, a date, is not the only time you have to start a clean slate.  There is no reason everyday can't be a new year.

It's like the calendars.  They used to only come in standard January through Dec.  But now they come in 18 months from June to December of the next year.  Or, they'll start from the academic year to the next academic year...I love my calendars.  I love filling them up with plans.  But yes, there is something about getting a brand new calendar full of possibilities.  But, back to the New year and why we look forward to it.  The Christmas season is the last hurrah of the year.  The hope and halmark moments...the cheerfulness that comes with that, the flurry of activities and parties and craziness...all rising to a crescendo to where you just can't take anymore and then it's over in a flash.  There's nothing else to look forward to so you begin to plan and hope and dream for the next year.  This will be the year that I lose weight...this will be the year that I save money...This will be the year that I find love...

This will be the year where I plan some adventures.  I'm going to Costa Rico if my friends do not peter out on me.  that will NOT be this year, but it will definitely be in the planning stages.

This will be the year that I get healthier. I've been doing that steadily for the last few years.  I want to step it up this year.

This will be the year that I get some long awaited Home improvements done.  I've contacted and old friend from my married days to help with that.  We'll forget the talk of the ex.  It wasn't much talk and I did not bring it up.  There were some things said that made me feel validated in my feelings of being wronged though.  

This may be a year of changes.  Some of them may be very scary.  It's always scary to let go of people when you feel like you'll never find another person to fill that need.  But, sometimes you have to recognise that people are selfish and you're not going to be able to change that.

There are things that I will change, things that I will let go, things that I will start doing instead.  I hope to do them quietly and without much notice or comments.  Those put much too much pressure on a person.  

European Paint Finishes: Portfolio

European Paint Finishes: Portfolio: Vintage RollTop


-MORE TO COME!

two years ago this week.

I had my hysterectomy.  Life has been so much better not worrying about that diminishing biological clock that was never really strong to begin with.  I don't have the horrible horrible depression and bursts of unexplained anger and anxiety that were making me believe I was crazy.  My friend Jenny said I would miss having my period but then again, she's a breeder so it's symbolism of motherhood was something else for her.  While mine were never bad, I don't miss them.  I love not having to worry about packing protection against a surprise start.  No cramps, no bloating, etc.  It's nothing but bliss not having to worry about it.

Last year at this time I had just broken up with Dave.  We had our last fling Dec. 30th.

Ah, December 30th.  That day, I could look at it as something full of sadness.  Dec. 30th, 2006, mike moved out.  December 30th, 2007, he came to get his stuff and it was the last time I ever saw him.  Dec. 30th, 2010, the last time Dave and I were together before he began dating Jenny (whom I love and I love them both)...my point is, I could look at that date as an ending and sadness but it's not.  It's been about new beginnings.  They weren't happy at first but they became happy.  It's also the date that I have begun my tradition of airing out the house and doing a deep clean.  I like the traditions that I have started within my new life.
September new year, Rosh Hashanah  I take inventory of my goals and work on what I have not finished
December 15th, putting up decorations
December 30th, Taking down the decorations, the airing of the home, out with the old, in with the new.
January 1, the making of goals.
March/April, getting the house ready for Summer.

I look forward to each of them and developing new traditions.

It's a Sunday and what am I anxious about?

I have an observation scheduled this week for my job.  I just don't want to do anything to prep for it.  I am burnt out for the year already.  Spent...my wad blown.  That happened way too early this year.

So, what am I grateful for?  Let's concentrate on that.
My house and the getting ready for the holidays...Oh yes, I have taken them back and this year I really want to do some beautiful decorating.

My job...yes, it sucks right now BUT, I have a job with benefits and that is very good.

My friends and family.  They're still here and they keep me sane.  I need to remember to rely on them better and I need to be a better friend.

My health...Needs to be better as I've fallen off the wagon on fitness and nutrition.  Must get back on that and not take for granted that I CAN!

My abilities to keep myself sane and happy though i need to be better disciplined in some areas.  Motivation and inspiration need work.

And something is cracking...

I don't know where.  

Ice on the side walk brittle branches in the air....Oh Ms. Vega a way of painting pictures with words.  The kind of pictures you feel and see like a movie screen going through your head.  

I miss you.  Whoever  you are.  I miss you.  

Sometimes...

When I am doing the most mundane things, I miss him.