And in 12 minutes....

It will be 2009 (or maybe by the time I write this it will already be). I am very much ready for the new year.

The last few years recap...
2002 Dad died
2004 mom diagnosed with Cancer
2005 not much going on, just coping
2006 Mom died, Mike left.
2007 Summer drought, Mike divorced me, Derek nearly died, Julie moved away, bought my house .
2008 Not too bad. Not bad at all. Lots of home improvements and personal gains emotionally.
2009...I am even more ready!

Welcome, and to everyone else, HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

How odd...

I went out today and finally bought some new furniture. Earlier this year (in the summer) I found a couch that I really liked but didn't buy it then. I went to the same store (different location) and saw it again on clearance so I bought it plus two end tables, a cocktail table and a chair and ottomon. It will be delivered on the 3rd. anyway, I just now read my horoscope for today which I now realise is tomorrow (is it really 1:12 am?) and this is what it says...

Today's Gemini Horoscope:Dec 31, 2008
Today you and the other members of your household might discuss the possibility of making some changes, dear Gemini. This might involve some redecorating, remodeling, or even something as mundane as a thorough cleaning. However, it could also involve the possibility of making a move to a different place. The need for change in your surroundings is apparent, so don't hesitate. Initiate the first steps!

So, I suppose the stars were all lined correctly for me to get my perfect sofa and furniture. seriously, I looked all over for a sofa that I liked and found none that I liked as well as this.

Traditions...

Today I took down my tree and while in the process, I dragged up all the Christmas stuff that was downstairs in the basement. I threw a lot of ornaments away that I didn't like and that did not reflect me and I found a lot of ornaments that I'd long forgotten about. Last year, 2007, was the year that I took Christmas back. I put up the big tree, strung the lights, but barely put any ornaments on it because of the cats (which blackie did find her way right into the middle of the tree).

Last year was a start but it didn't become a tradition. It was more of an attempt but not really sure where to go with it. I took the tree down two days after Christmas, I think, because it was important to get it down and get the new year started.

This year I had bought a small tree and I decorated it nicely but it did not hold all those favourite sentimental ornaments that I like (but didn't know that I had anyway). When I was going through all the ornaments, I did it in silence. So many were wrapped in yellowed newspapers and kept in old shopping boxes labeled Pogues and LS Ayers, which later became Hesses and then it was gone. One of them even had Happy Birthday Mom, from Roxanne and Kissy. I kind of felt bad for throwing them away but really, an old box that I have only seen maybe 4 times in the last 15 years? It's time to let it go. It is not like I am going to forget the names of my family and what is so great about remembering old stores that are long gone? Nostalgia I suppose. Just like the kids today love to shop at Abercrombie et al... When they get ot be my age, it will be something new. Maybe the Florence Mall, which was such a big deal when I was small, will be bulldosed over like the McAlpin's mall was. Some new concept to take it's place.

Anyway, back on topic. New tradition...Putting the tree up around the first week of Dec. and taking it down two-three days later (definitely by the 30th though). Brunch at Denice's, Going down to P. Park with the siblings to see their dad. I had fun and it was nice to feel included. Going through the ornaments and reassessing what I want to keep (because I know there were some that were boarderline). This Christmas was different than last year because I enjoyed it more fully as a single woman who was able to do what she wanted, when she wanted it and make her own way. It makes me feel both proud and secure to have that piece/peace.

Movies and thoughts...

Last night I watched the movie, The Women. The movie was about a woman (Meg Ryan) whose husband had an affair with Eva Mendez's character (who wouldn't?). Meg's closest friends knew about it before she did but Meg did, soon after, find out on her own. The movie was about betrayal. Betrayal between spouses, betrayal between friends, family, and most of all the betrayal to yourself. In the end, all bonds are in the state of repair and the divorce papers are never signed. Through out the whole movie, not one man is shown. Not her husband, not her best friend's male coworkers or her friend's husbands...none. The only male shown was at the end when her eternally pregant friend finally gives birth to the son she had been wanting in that complete cliche that the birth of a baby is hope born and fresh starts and yaddah yaddah, yaddah. So lame of an ending, but the movie was ok.

Anyway, people kept trying to get Meg to find where she was culpable in the destruction of the marriage. She was in denial saying she wasn't culpable, she was the perfect wife etc. The deeper meaning of this movie was that yes, she was the supportive wife, the good mother, the home maker and commitee person to this that and the other cause, but she was not true to her. That was her culpability. She couldn't be a good anything because she wasn't good to herself.

It hit home. For the last two years I wanted to deny any part I had in my failed marriage. After all, I was the supportive wife who basically put him through law school, stood behind him when he decided to quit his regular job and try the stock market and then write a book. I thought I praised him enough when he did things around the house.... I did all that. But, I did not do any of those things for myself. I even put aside grieving for my mother so that I didn't disturb him.

Even my friendship with Julie became tainted with sadness and disappointments. I wonder how many other people saw this passive and apathetic person.

One of the things that Meg did in the movie was make a vision board. It was labeled What do I want? She would add drawings to it, pictures, words, etc. A friend of mine brought in a book about making vision boards so I was somewhat familiar with what they were. It has to do with the laws of attractions which the book The Secret is based on. I have been wanting to make a vision board for a while but haven't gotten around to it. I am inspired to do my own *What do I want?* vision board. It seems that is a good jumping off point.

Which leads me to this...

Creativity. That is what I want. I have forgotten how to be and at one time that was such a joy in my life. I want that back. I found this... 21 ways to be more creative. Another starting off point. :)
http://christinekane.com/blog/21-ways-to-be-more-creative/#comment-200703

My Venus fly trap is looking good despite not having a meal. I am sure it will be happy this summer when I put it on the patio.

Today I took some pale green paint and painted the inside of the closet in the entry way. I also painted half the hall way leading to the kitchen. It is a very pretty colour and it makes me feel happy when I open the closet door. It is almost white. I am thinking the kitchen would be pretty in a colour like that. Maybe a little darker or maybe that value of a yellow. I am tired of tan and the tan that i picked out a few years ago really has more of a pink or peach tint to it. I don't like it. I was afraid to go yellow but I think I would like either that or a green tint better than this near flesh tint. I am actually hating it. I didn't like it when it went on and I still don't like it. The colour in the kitchen wasn't too bad but now I feel the same about it. Anyway, I got to thinking about how making the inside of something look beautiful and not neglecting seeimingly insignificant things of the house is a great metaphor for my life. I want to create a beautiful inside where it is peaceful, organised, and loved. I really do believe those things will radiate outward and I need to start making those changes.

I learned how to use a flashdrive last week. Shuddup. It was exciting for me because i put all these pictures on the computer and it is running slow as hell. CDs don't seem to hold much and these little things are just amazing! Why yes, I am easily pleased and excited.

Goals this week
1. Practice patience

2. Meet challenges with enthusiasm and positive attitudes. (IOW, keep my joy and don't let anyone try steal it).

3. Don't complain about things when others have so much worse.

A gloomy day...

I did what was on my list for today(or I am sill doing it). I have my car in the garage and laundry is almost finished. I went to the grocery store and bought more food that can be frozen. My freezer is full of skillet meals, frozen veggies, and the pantry has canned foods. The refrigerator is relatively bare but I am ready for snow days LOL.

I feel terrible today, just sad about nothing. Overwhelmed again by stupid stuff (literally STUFF). I should have had that garage sale this past summer. Why do I wait until now to get energized? Well, I know I don't have the pool and sunshine to distract me. It is a cloudy day. A quiet day. I swear the holiday blues are already upon me. I feel like I should be out doing something celebratory and I am distracted from the things that I need to do. Josephina, my rat, is having a harder time getting around. Her poor coat looks ragged and she has a fairly large growth (tumour) on her stomach. I know she won't be with me much longer and she has been by far my favourite (a second Rudy). I have elenor who I like a lot, but seriously, when she is gone (in 2010 ish) I swear I will not have another pet rat. I will do everything in my power to resist the urge of taking one home. Or any pet for that matter. I love them all, but sometimes I wish I had no one else to take care of. Plus, it is just so sad to lose them. Hell, I feel bad enough when I have a plant or a tree that has died.

I have a ficus tree that was given to my mom when Nick died. Then there is the cactus I got when my bio-dad died (it looks like hell), and the cactus that I bought last spring which also looks like hell. I bought a venus fly trap at the Kroger store last week. It's pretty cool, but there are no bugs for it. Will it survive? It says it needs 35-45 degree weather from Nov.- Feb. and bright but filtered light. Where am I going to put it so that it is that cool but gets that light? I suppose I could try and put it in the basement window sill but it will still be too warm down there. IT needs to be dormant. Maybe I can build a little green house for it outside?

pictures today

Number 16, dreams and more...

I haven't seen number 16 since we last went out and the woman answered his phone. Haven't even spoken to him.

I am corresponding with a guy on facebook that I had exchanged a few emails with on match before I had met Richard. As soon as I sent the first email I cursed myself. I don't know why I keep forcing myself to date when I don't even think I am all that interested in men anymore. I don't hate men. they're fine to have as friends but seriously, I just don't see the point of dating sometimes. That is until I have heavy furniture to move. I don't know why I never think about asking the boy next door to help me move some shit. I could give him 20 bucks to help me for 20 minutes and he'd think he won the lottery. And I don't have to call him back, praise him, or do any favours (eewww cuz that would make me a ped). I need to ask my neighbour to show me how to use the circular saw.

Sometimes I get lonely. But here's where the childfree issue comes up. I am so damn sick of having to rearrange my schedule or have a moment's notice because they suddenly don't have the kids. I totally understand the kid thing and that I have more flexibility but I hate that they get pissed off when the timing is off and I can't accommodate them. I hate that kids become an excuse for not calling to cancel a date...at all (JP, which is why you are gone). Oh and the drama with the mamas. GAH! All I want is to be just enough of a priority in the beginning to respect enough to meet half way. Otherwise what is the point?

Dreams. I dreamed of him but I can't even remember what it was. It was a couple of days ago and it was another of the sort that he wanted to get back together but I didn't. I remember feeling bad for him, not hateful. I will take it as a good thing but it still hurt. Those times I do get lonely I hate that I think of him living a happy life with her (though in all reality, it probably isn't anywhere near the relationship I would like to have). I know I idealise them being so happy together and starting a family. I picture them as little mushy commercials you see around the holidays from jewelry stores. I know he can be sweet and romantic in small ways. I know he's good in many ways, but I also know what he's like otherwise.

I also had weird dreams that had to do with monkeys and other stuff. Mom might have been in the weird dreams too.

Lastly. This week I am settling the estate, and I have my evaluation on Wed. After this week, things will be looking up.

Basement all dug out.
Flower bed in back before
Gravel added
Cemented over very smoothly (unlike the mess that Mike made). There is also the white vapor lock covering around the edge of the wall too. At this point they had sprayed down the walls because of the dust and all and the walls actually look cleaner than they have in years. COOL! Lots of work still needs to be done. Cleaning walls, and figuring out what to do with the floors. I am thinking peel and stick tiles might work. There are REALLY nice Options out there. They look like real wood or real stone. but a fraction of the cost. Good for a temporary fix (as in 10 years or so).

This is the flower bed after it has been dug up. The rocks and all that stuff has been over turned so it is one big dirty mess right now. The garage is all dusty and dirty, but I have managed to throw away a ton of stuff. I still have some big boards that need to be cut down and pitched. I am thinking I can use my circular saw on some of the tree branches that I have in my hard too and use those for fire wood. I am happy to have my basement done. It feels like a huge relief and weight off of my chest. It has been something that I wanted done forever and I have dreamed about having a nice useable space down there. Now I may have one. Of course, it remains to be seen, the first hard rain that we have. I think a huge relief too has been getting rid of all the *stuff*. I think having too much stuff is stressful. You know it is there requiring attention or at the very least it is taking up space and harbouring memories that may be too painful to remember but too painful to let go at the same time. The best thing to do, I think, is to let it go. It hurts for a moment (comparatively) but in the long run it is better than the prolonged hanging on.

Oh, I did manage to get the guys to pitch the lava rock for me. That was a HUGE relief because it was taking up 4 large trashcans and I didn't know what to do with them as I previously posted.

There is more and more that I want to do. It has been a very productive year with the home improvements so far.

Tomorrow the basement should be finished. I will be glad. It hasn't been a huge disruption but still, it is people coming and going in the house. Today it looks like it is going to rain. I hope it doesn't because I don't have a window downstairs yet. Plus, there is still a giant hole in the back window well.

I saw number 16 last night. We went to the Pub for a very short time before he had to go pick up his son. He looked very sexy btw. While we were there, his phone went off and the lady who was sitting next to us told him his phone was going off (it was situated slightly behind him). She was an attractive blond in her thirties sitting with an attractive brunette. They were part of some large party of 35 people or so. Any way, it was Dan's son calling to come get him. We waited for the bill and his phone went off again (neither of us hearing it) The next thing you know, the brunette was handing him his phone AFTER SHE ANSWERED IT! Dan was pissed (rightfully so) and trying to figure out how he was going to explain this woman answering his phone. The kids still don't know he's dating and he said he was going to run a quick errand. Dan gave her the third degree and I don't even think the dumbass felt bad. The blonde who was with her appologized and offered to send Dan a bottle of wine (they were out of towners). I still can't understand what would possess someoen to answer someone else's phone!!

How funny...

The last few days i have been busy tearing out the shelving units that were put up in the basement and scooping out as much Lava rock as i possibly can before Everdry comes tomorrow. I bought a circular saw yesterday so that I can cut up all the wood into smaller pieces. I am going to see if maybe I can ask the guys doing the basement if I can give them a few bucks to haul aways the four large garbage cans of lava rock. I don't know what I am going to do to get rid of those! I suppose i can put them back in the garden, but I really hate to do that. I HATE those things.

Anyway, here was my horoscope today...

Today's Gemini Horoscope:Oct 12, 2008
The desire to beautify your home in some way could hit you full force today, dear Gemini. Perhaps you're expecting visitors or house guests, and want to make a good impression. You could find yourself prowling through antique stores, looking for pictures or knickknacks. You might, however, set your sights on doing something that's a bit more ambitious than you originally planned. Enjoy yourself, but be careful! You don't want to tire yourself out.

I will post pictures of before and after someday. I just hope there IS an after.

Today...

Was a beautiful day. It was warm, about 80 something. Unusual for this time of year. Not a cloud in the sky and I suppose it was the angle of the sun now but the sky was a beautiful cerulean blue. Everything looked glowing with the contrast of the orange and red leaves, as pitiful as they are this dry fall. They're not that brilliant. I spent the day driving up to Ohio to drop off some paper work for my sisters to finalize the estate settlement. I had put it off so long, not wanting to deal with it and not knowing how difficult it would be. Fear made me procrastinate but now that I am going to be charged 10.00 a day after thirty days, it kind of lit a fire under my feet. It really is quite simple. I have to stop being afraid of stuff and putting stuff off. Why do I do that? It is crippling, this weird anxiety of simple things that I have. I cope, I have gotten better, but it rears its ugly head sometimes.

The good part of all this is that I spent the day with Kayla (my niece) and we had a great time. We went to eat and then went to Pier One and compared styles. She and I share a brain on many things. She is all about all things sex. Completely boy crazy and i worry about that. She is me.

Cirque Du Soleil was good. Was it as good as Quidam? I don't know. Different. Some things were just amazing. The poles. OMG. fantastic. Everyone should see a Cirque show if they get the chance though. Well worth the price and hard to be disappointed. Soon I really want to see a show in Vegas or Fla. or anywhere.

Tomorrow....

I go to cirque Du Soleil!!!!! Yay.

I am putting together a book of ideas for what I want to do with my house. It is all about colour and patterns and international flair. Think bohemian. Think Gypsie. Think eclectic old and new with lots of textures. It will be whimsical and happy and perhaps have even a little bit of tack with it. Sure, it is not going to pass the test of designed to sell and all those staging shows where everything is all neutral and boring, but that is ok. Paint is easy to fix if I ever need to or decide to move. Since it won't be for a long while, I may as well pack in my own personality and flair. I want everything to be pier one imports look. In fact, I got most of my inspiration pictures from their sales catalogues.

A gaggle of freaktopia happening today...

First, a student gets called out of class twice. The second time she asks when I come back, can I talk to you? I say sure. She comes back and says to me, if I am acting strange in your room will you please let me know? So I probe a little more and ask what does she mean (I am thinking is she having seizures? Diabetes? What). So she tells me she may be pregnant. I am starting to lose count with my students. I think this is number 8 or 9 in the last two years. She hasn't had a test yet and she's going to the doctor's on friday. Her mom knows (no dad in the pic) and basically gave her an ultimatum...abort or go someplace else. I think it is probably just the shock of it all because I think she and her mom are pretty close. She is not going to abort and says if she has to she'll live with her boyfriend's family (I don't know who it is but that can't be the optimal situation). Anyhoo. The most heartbreaking part was she looked at me, started to cry and said I just didn't want you to think of me differently. :(


So, remember when Dan Quayle criticized the Murphy Brown show when she got pregnant and decided to keep her child and raise it as a single parent? You know, it was the downfall of family values and all that. I know that Juno came out way before Palin's daughter got pregnant but now that she is a celebrity and has paraded her daughter out in public why can't we criticize her and the way she has justified having just another lifestyle choice?

BC in schools. At the very least, condoms!!


Second. I get this damned email criticizing illegal immigrants, the banning of the 10 commandments, and stupid patriotic/tyranical BS. I will copy it down and then my reply...


Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country lately -- illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida ..... ..... not me -- I concentrate on solutions for the problems -- it's a win-win situation. * Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border. * Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levees. * Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.

Any other problems you would like for me to solve today?
Yes! Think about this:
1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments
COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone els e find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
THE CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq .... why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.
THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this -- you cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians ... it creates a hostile work environment.

Also, think about this ...

if you don't want to forward this for fear of offending someone -- YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM! It is time for America to speak up!

Yep, I passed it on!


Great! Now I am also going to pass it on without regard to who I offend. So I replied to all (as I am likened to do when I get these nasty emails telling me how I should believe....

I am not part of the problem… We can track cows because we have strict regulations on beef. People have rights and are not regulated like cattle. Should everyone who looks Mexican be targeted and interrogated to see if they are illegal? A better comparison would be why can’t we find Osama?

As for the 10 commandments, if it were only Don’t steal, don’t commit adultery, don’t kill people, and it was left generic without any religious overtones such as commandment one where it says,

"I am the LORD your God who brought you out of the land of Egypt, from the house of slavery. You shall have no other gods before Me..."

Or two where it says: Do not make an image or any likeness of what is in the heavens above

Or three: Do not swear falsely by the name of the LORD..."

Four…
Remember [zachor] the Sabbath day and keep it holy" (the version in Deuteronomy reads shamor, "observe")

Then I would agree with you. However, there is this thing called separation of church and state. Not only that, point the fingers to religious leaders. They steal, they adulterize (why yes, I did just make that word up), and Christianity, as with other religions, has used G_d to slaughter millions of innocent people throughout time. Regardless of what I believe, I like the separation. I support the rights of those who believe differently. I certainly wouldn’t be happy if the 10 commandments of Pastafarianism were implemented nor do I care to impose the majority rules on others. I like the all inclusiveness of the USA. I think that makes me even more of a “Patriotic Citizen”.

Because I believe differently and have the freedom to speak out does not mean I am part of the problem. It means I am an AMERICAN!!

There! I spoke up!

I took this picture in June after we had a bit of rain. The drought hasn't been as bad as last year, but it is still bone dry. I hope it rains soon but not a down pour before I can get my basement waterproofed. The other pictures were taken at or about the same time. I love how bright the moon looks and how the street lamp casts a greenish glow.

My basement where it has leaked.

Moving Forward
by Rainer Maria Rilke

The deep parts of my life pour onward, as if the river shores were opening
out. It seems that things are more like me now, That I can see farther into
paintings. I feel closer to what language can't reach. With my senses, as with
birds, I climb into the windy heaven, out of the oak, in the ponds broken off
from the sky my falling sinks, as if standing on fishes.

I stole this poem from another website. I liked it and wanted to remember it.

Two weeks in and the fog, the anxiety, the black dog is back.

The wind storm of 08...

We had major gusts of wind but no rain, thunder or lightning. Lots of tree limbs down in the back and I spent most of today burining the mess (I am quite proud of the amount that I was able to clean up). I even cooked a can of soup on the fire since I had no "simple" foods that could be eaten without cooking. Thankfully I hardly had any food in the refrigerator anyway. The stuff in the freezer seems to be ok. Chicken was still cold, a few of the frozen dinners were thawed but still very cold. There was a little damage to the gable of the house, a small piece that was flapping. Number 16 came over today and he got up on the ladder and fixed it for me. It was scary. I had to get up high on the ladder to hand him something.

We lost power about noon yesterday and it came back on about 5:30 today. Everything was closed down. 90% of the tristate area was without and there are still about 500,000 customers that have no power. We're off school tomorrow too. Very good since I have a bunch of stuff to catch up on. I just finished vaccuming and mopping the floors but the wash has been on hold for the last couple of days. I am finishing that off right now. I would like to have some time to relax tomorrow. I am pretty beat today.

It's time...

It is time for me to start taking my end of the year inventory, you know, since I don't make New Year's resoloutions. September always seems to be a good time to do that. It is like a push to see how much I can accomplish by year's end. What have I accomplished? Well, let's see...

By the end of October, the house improvements will include:
New washer and dryer
New lawn mower
new weed eater
Waterproofing the basement
Getting new gutters

By the end of October I will have been smoke free for a whole year.

By the end of November, I will have been divorced (and still surviving) a whole year.

By the end of December, I will have lived on my own for two years and I am starting to settle in quite nicely.

As of yesterday, I have been at my gym for a whole year and aside from the week that I had kidney stones, and the week that I had strep, I have been at the very least, once a week but most often at least 4 times a week. You'd never know it because instead of losing weight, I gained it. As much as I have been eating, I probably would weigh 250 or more if I hadn't been exercising. Sigh.

What I did not do this year....
I didn't travel. Well, i went to Bloomington Indiana but that is only 150 miles away. I am thinking of taking a drive down to the Caves. I have never been to the western half of my state. I know it isn't like real traveling but who knows, I might get all froggy and cross the border to Missouri. I just might. I need a long weekend for this though. In Oct. I have a long weekend but it is going to be taken up with water proofing. perhaps spring break.

Today's Gemini Horoscope:Sep 06, 2008
If you feel you have been looking toward the past recently, dear Gemini, you have been doing it in order to liberate yourself from it. You may feel like revisiting your childhood or rekindling certain relationships with old friends. But the planets are making you a bit too romantic, and you will be disappointed by the reality of things. Looking backwards isn't really the best way to move toward the future. Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be!