teachers getting plastic surgery as perk...

http://www.surgery.org/consumers/plastic-surgery-news-briefs/teachers-upstate-york-enjoy-plastic-surgery-job-perk-1036103

I would definitely love this perk.  What I would do...Rhinoplasty, breast reduction, and maybe see if there would be any way to fix the lopsidedness of my eye since I had the Bell's palsy.  All that would still be less than if I used my insurance for the choice to have a child.

Perhaps that's what they should do for insurance.  Anything that is medically UNnecessary (such as plastic surgery or pregnancy) should be offered as a choice.  If you choose to have plastic surgery, you can't have kids for 5 years.  If you choose to have kids, you can't have plastic surgery until after 5 years of your child being born.  So that way, you could either choose to continue having children, or choose to continue having plastic surgery procedures but you could not do both one on top of another....maybe. That way everyone gets to have elective procedures (and yes, parenthood IS an elective).

A little blue today....

I suppose it's being anxious about the home improvements being made.   The house is in disarray and it's stressing me a little.  I am off tomorrow and I think I will get some stuff caught up then.  I kind of piddled around to day and didn't really do much.  Went for a long ride.  Thought about the up coming lenten season and what I was going to give up and take on.  I need to really think about that in the next couple of days.

Feeling anxious about my job and what is to come.  Me, teaching things that are outside my comfort zone.  If I can't teach art I always said I wouldn't be a teacher.  Reality, time off...benefits...steady work...I really couldn't beat it and I need to just simply be thankful that I have a job.

I was feeling a little regretful of things I had done.  Things that I had said. Things I can never undo.  I need to let it go.  I usually can but today I had a day of wallowing.  I was angry today.  Angry at HIM, angry at her (my mother).  Both for leaving me.  I have a hard time getting close to someone.  I need to work on being a better friend, letting myself be vulnerable.  That's hugely frightening.  I've come sooo far.  Sooo  far.  I can keep going.

Validation...

All of your friends know how you "made it".
One of your friends called you a virus because you take what you need and then move on.  Parasite is more like it.
You think you're better than everyone else, and yet you couldn't motivate yourself to do well unless you took the coward's way out.  What are you going to do when the shit hits the fan in your new life?  That's going to be a hell of a lot messier and I doubt your shallow little brain has learned anything yet.
I hear you're not a really active parent...I figured as much.  That way you're protected when the shit does hit the fan.  You can say they "weren't planned" (a laugh...You avoided it for 10 years).  You can say that you didn't have a say in their upbringing. etc. from what I hear, she's a shallow being as well so the kids don't stand a chance.
As for your father and your weeping, mourning, and beating of your short man chest, do you remember when he was sick in the hospital and pretty much lost his mind?  What did you say?  You said he should go ahead and be a man and stop taking his meds and DIE.  Yes, you said that.  So you feel guilty now??  You should.  It disgusted me when I heard it back in 2003 and you disgust me now because I am allowed to feel it.  You're a selfish hateful being.

A user.

I cursed you once.  You remember don't you?  I wonder if you think about that on the hard days.  Those days when you want to escape.  You'll never be able to now.  Unless you want to be like Jamie and abandon them.  character runs really deep in your family.  You feel ashamed that you have come from them.  You look down on them because you're "better".  Deep inside though, you know you're not.

I am free.  I was blind to what you were because I somehow loved you.  Sure, there were great things about you and I believed in you.  Maybe deep down though there was something that I couldn't love and didn't realize it.  Yes, I am free.  Think about that on your hard days.  You may have your education and be living in your stately home making the big bucks with your stay at home wife and your 2.5 brood but I am free.  Not tied down to materialism and enjoying life on a modest scale but grandiose in freedom from worry...freedom from stress...freedom from drama.  I never thought it possible to be so happy.  The best thing you ever did was leave me.  Thank you.

I would rather be alone...

than go through the pain I did when my marriage died.

Sometimes I don't even want to get to know someone.  They disappoint me so early on and I have such little patience for it all.

I am entitled...Yes, I said the E word!

So, I got a loan and here is what I am having done

Baseboards/crown moulding

New tile in the hall/foyer/kitchen

New cabinets and counter tops, sink etc. in kitchen

New bathrooms...All of them.

New front door

New interior doors

I should have it paid off in 7 years.  When I met with the banker yesterday he said my credit was flawless so I got the lowest rate possible.  Thank you Mom and Nick for teaching me well about spending.  I am so excited.  I let Frank know that the loan was approved (with conditions for right now...they have to check the house out and all that junk).  and he said we'd get together soon to choose the stuff and get the ordering started.  He said in a few weeks we could be starting the actual physical part of it.  I really can't wait to get a new front door with window!  It will let a lot of light in.  I am so glad I am doing this.  I was waiting and saving so that I could pay it all off but then I would never be able to enjoy my house.   After all that has taken place in the last 5.5 years, I am ENTITLED to live a good life, have nice things and be HAPPY and PROUD of the things I've worked for.  

So, that is where I stand today.  I am going to clean the house today and take pics of all the potential changes (the before pics).  It's especially poignant today because today, 5 years ago is when my new chapter in life began...This is the day that Mike left.  Five years of living by myself, taking care of myself and making sure my life was good.  It is.

  

To do...

Hiking today at the Nature center.  

Tomorrow I will start to put everything away from the old year and prep for the new year.  It starts on the 27th but it might not all be finished until the 29th or there abouts. It will definitely be finished by the 30th though.  It's like a spring cleaning in the winter.

And so it has come and gone...

Christmas is over.  It's always a relief when it is.  It's not that I don't like christmas, though I am not as loopy about it as most people, it's just that it's such a disruption from Thanksgiving until now.  Everything gets out of whack.  I guess that's why I look forward to the New Year so much because really, a moment in time, a date, is not the only time you have to start a clean slate.  There is no reason everyday can't be a new year.

It's like the calendars.  They used to only come in standard January through Dec.  But now they come in 18 months from June to December of the next year.  Or, they'll start from the academic year to the next academic year...I love my calendars.  I love filling them up with plans.  But yes, there is something about getting a brand new calendar full of possibilities.  But, back to the New year and why we look forward to it.  The Christmas season is the last hurrah of the year.  The hope and halmark moments...the cheerfulness that comes with that, the flurry of activities and parties and craziness...all rising to a crescendo to where you just can't take anymore and then it's over in a flash.  There's nothing else to look forward to so you begin to plan and hope and dream for the next year.  This will be the year that I lose weight...this will be the year that I save money...This will be the year that I find love...

This will be the year where I plan some adventures.  I'm going to Costa Rico if my friends do not peter out on me.  that will NOT be this year, but it will definitely be in the planning stages.

This will be the year that I get healthier. I've been doing that steadily for the last few years.  I want to step it up this year.

This will be the year that I get some long awaited Home improvements done.  I've contacted and old friend from my married days to help with that.  We'll forget the talk of the ex.  It wasn't much talk and I did not bring it up.  There were some things said that made me feel validated in my feelings of being wronged though.  

This may be a year of changes.  Some of them may be very scary.  It's always scary to let go of people when you feel like you'll never find another person to fill that need.  But, sometimes you have to recognise that people are selfish and you're not going to be able to change that.

There are things that I will change, things that I will let go, things that I will start doing instead.  I hope to do them quietly and without much notice or comments.  Those put much too much pressure on a person.  

European Paint Finishes: Portfolio

European Paint Finishes: Portfolio: Vintage RollTop


-MORE TO COME!

two years ago this week.

I had my hysterectomy.  Life has been so much better not worrying about that diminishing biological clock that was never really strong to begin with.  I don't have the horrible horrible depression and bursts of unexplained anger and anxiety that were making me believe I was crazy.  My friend Jenny said I would miss having my period but then again, she's a breeder so it's symbolism of motherhood was something else for her.  While mine were never bad, I don't miss them.  I love not having to worry about packing protection against a surprise start.  No cramps, no bloating, etc.  It's nothing but bliss not having to worry about it.

Last year at this time I had just broken up with Dave.  We had our last fling Dec. 30th.

Ah, December 30th.  That day, I could look at it as something full of sadness.  Dec. 30th, 2006, mike moved out.  December 30th, 2007, he came to get his stuff and it was the last time I ever saw him.  Dec. 30th, 2010, the last time Dave and I were together before he began dating Jenny (whom I love and I love them both)...my point is, I could look at that date as an ending and sadness but it's not.  It's been about new beginnings.  They weren't happy at first but they became happy.  It's also the date that I have begun my tradition of airing out the house and doing a deep clean.  I like the traditions that I have started within my new life.
September new year, Rosh Hashanah  I take inventory of my goals and work on what I have not finished
December 15th, putting up decorations
December 30th, Taking down the decorations, the airing of the home, out with the old, in with the new.
January 1, the making of goals.
March/April, getting the house ready for Summer.

I look forward to each of them and developing new traditions.

It's a Sunday and what am I anxious about?

I have an observation scheduled this week for my job.  I just don't want to do anything to prep for it.  I am burnt out for the year already.  Spent...my wad blown.  That happened way too early this year.

So, what am I grateful for?  Let's concentrate on that.
My house and the getting ready for the holidays...Oh yes, I have taken them back and this year I really want to do some beautiful decorating.

My job...yes, it sucks right now BUT, I have a job with benefits and that is very good.

My friends and family.  They're still here and they keep me sane.  I need to remember to rely on them better and I need to be a better friend.

My health...Needs to be better as I've fallen off the wagon on fitness and nutrition.  Must get back on that and not take for granted that I CAN!

My abilities to keep myself sane and happy though i need to be better disciplined in some areas.  Motivation and inspiration need work.

And something is cracking...

I don't know where.  

Ice on the side walk brittle branches in the air....Oh Ms. Vega a way of painting pictures with words.  The kind of pictures you feel and see like a movie screen going through your head.  

I miss you.  Whoever  you are.  I miss you.  

Sometimes...

When I am doing the most mundane things, I miss him.

I had a lot of fun this weekend.  Two day party, kayaking and laughing so hard.  I will be going to bed early tonight though.

So behind in all my work at home.  Uninspired and hating the early sunsets.  This week will be used for catch up.

I would say I love my life...

And I do.  But right now it is sucking lemons and I have no sugar to make lemonade.

Another transition back to school, back to routine.  I'll be fine a few weeks into it.

I think we scraped the bottom of the barrel for some of our teachers.

Going to cumberland this weekend.  Was thinking I shouldn't go because school starting and blah blah blah but now I know more than ever that YES I should go.  I need to do something out of my comfort zone so that I can get back to appreciation of my world.

I hate men.  Not really, I love them but they scare me and I don't understand them.  I think they're just best avoided.

Well...

Two interests just dead in the water.  That feeling like you just gotta have it and then nothing.  I suppose I should be thankful that any longing for something did not linger and cause suffering.  Is it a sign of getting older and wiser?  Can it be that there just isn't anything all that important?


What is important?  Health.  If I must be on this earth I choose to be healthy.

Wealth...Enough to survive, be comfortable and pay for finding some joy in experiences

Experiences...without, there is no enrichment for the soul or reason to go on.

Friendship...though I don't hold that too preciously because it can be fleeting.

Family...I used to put it up there at the top and yet, now that my mother, father and husband are gone in one form or another, that too can be fleeting.

How dreary and morbid a thought.

things I can do now...

1.  a back bend
2.  twist my arms in that eagle pose thingie in yoga
3.  The bow
4.  The balance pose on my hands with my feet resting on my elbows.  Can't remember what it is called and I can only do it for a split moment.
5.   My feet don't hurt anymore (but my right ankle has been giving me fits)
6..  Distance in hiking has increased.  Went on a 7.5 mile hike on Sat. and 4 mi on Sunday.  No pain.
7.   Lifting heavier weights.
8.   blood pressure and pulse have dramatically lowered.

Top 10...

Top 10 things I love

1. My ipod
2. my camera
3. exercising
4. hiking
5. being competitive
6. being outgoing
7. being out of my comfort zone
8. yoga yoga yoga
9. being independent
10. being in love

Total euphoria

I've had two solid weeks of dedicated exercise.  Yesterday I went on my first distance hike...6.8 miles and hilly terrain.  I enjoyed it very much.  I met the new squeeze of my old squeeze and felt nothing.  No green eyed monster to rear it's ugly head.  I like her.  She's very sweet and funny and frankly, I think she's too good for him.  I've come to realise that he's just not all that exciting, kind, or interesting other than he likes to do outdoorsy things.  He's really quite the ass. 

I lost three lbs after gaining 5lbs from last week and then losing 3...so my point is that I am now lower than my low point in a year from last week. :)  make sense?  Ok, 185.

Went for a walk with Kell today.  Day was good.  Got errands done and now cleaning what looks like a frat house.

Oh for fuck's sake!

I don't remember all the lyrics to the Star Spangled Banner.  I remember most but if I had to sing it in public, I would probably fall all over the words.  So, Christina Aguilera messes up the lyrics during the Superbowl.  I get it.  It's in public, in front of millions.  You don't do that.  I post on facebook that I wouldn't have really noticed the mess up.  I was more annoyed by her elongation of monosyllabic words than the mistake.  Jaysus christ on a cracker.  Everyone's beating their chest and bleating about being unpatriotic.  A hearty go fuck yourself to all of them in their little I'm more patriotic becuase I know the words to a song pissing match. 

Other annoyances on facebook....
Stop bitching about your kids.  You had them, you wanted them, suck it up and deal with it. Yeah, I know blah blahblah most important job in the world...blah blah blah...it's so hard....blah blah blah....I don't think Mommy humour is funny.  I think it is stupid and I think it is boring.  So is dissing your husband/wife.  It's disrespectful.

Google is your friend.  Think before you send that fwwd email out.  It's probably not true.

YEah, that's about it.

Loving my life.

2011 weather...

I think the weather is getting to everyone.  Everyone is bitchy and angry and already giving up on making the new year a good one.  It's only February 1st.  The year is not horrible.  Perhaps slow to start but it's WINTER.   I am still hanging on to my belief that this will be a spectacular year.  I know it will.  I am going to make it as such.