If you've been waking up every morning single and unattached, today you will be confronted with issues involving commitment. Indeed, events today could change your whole life, dear Gemini. If nothing else, you know that it's time to make necessary changes, and you are ready to put a plan into action. Sure, it's a bit scary, but you need this balance in your life. More...

Uh, yeah.

Drama and dreams...

I have been staying up late because that is my natural bio-rhythm I believe, but last night as I was about to fall asleep, around 3 am my cell phone went off. It was my friend C. She had a fight with her boyfriend and it seemed things were a real mess. Thinking she was in danger of him coming over there I told her I would come to her house. She was a mess, and he kept calling her and degrading her, calling her a whore and all kinds of shit, telling her it is over, blah blah blah . So, we wind up going to pick up her car and she drives up to his house to "get her stuff" (esp. her asthma medicine). I call her today to find out how things went. Where is she? At his house all made up. Whoo. call me a whore, and you're done. It isn't just this incident. The man she loves is full of drama. Bad ex baby mama and C has a severe rescue complex I am begining to find out. She is completely blind and not thinking straight. she bugs me. I know in the near future it is going to be more of the same...insert eyeroll here. I don't need drama by proxy. Are there no positive intelligent people to surround myself with?

So, in my half sleep state hitting the snooze button until 12:30, I dreamed of mom. She was here visiting but from a time travel type of thing. When she left, I was not going to be able to follow. For some odd reason, she had knitted me some slippers and she was leaving (teleporting) through the refridgerator. When she was leaving I was crying and asking if she would be back soon. Either she wouldn't or couldn't answer. She had on a white robe and head-dress like mother Mary. She wasn't looking at me but she looked pained. She raised her hand slightly and then the door closed. In my dream Roxanne was in the other room. I was loudly sobbing and wailing. Roxanne asked why I was so sad and I told her that my friend had just lost her mother and I didn't want to lose mom. I thought for sure that when I woke I would have tears on my face. In the dream I could feel cool wetness on my cheeks. But my breathing was normal and no tears were there. Part of me didn't want to wake up.

colours...

I may as well face it. I am attracted to bright green. So I bought a few samples of paint and I am having a hell of a time finding the right green. I want a pretty lime green but that can be so garish. The greens i picked out are too yellow though. Perhaps I don't really want green at all. Well, not as a solid. I know that faux painting is so 80s and early 90s, but I can't help it. I like the transparancy of the colours showing through each other. It is a lot of work to do the colour washing and glazing. I am looking at a painting that has yellow greens and blue greens mixed together. There are accents of purple and oranges and lots of swirling floral patterns. Perhaps one wall will have to be artistically tackled the same as my painting style.

Today I bought an MP3 player. Oh I am such a goober when it comes to technology. I didn't realize that I could play my CDs on my computer and transfer them onto the MP3 player. Yeah, I don't know why I didn't realize that. It truely is not rocket science, I know, but give an old gal a break. I figured out how to do this all on my own. Sure it was freaking easy, but I thought it was going to be some kind of huge magical mystery. I am proud of myself regardless. Baby stpes. Baby steps. Anyhoo, I am all downloading my favourite CDs so that I have music to walk to and music to work out to. The only problem is I know I am going to break out in a salsa esque, bustin' a funk move out on the sidewalk of the main thoroughfair. Either that, or I will start belting out some Joni Mitchell. Do you realize how bad that will sound? Noone can hear themselves sing with those things on and they ALWAYS sing out of tune, no matter how well they usually sing (to which I do not).

Nothing earth shattering...

Sean came by today to pick up some kind of tree trimming thing that Mike had borrowed about tw0 years ago. It was awkward. We were talking and he said something about drinking smoking, and partying or whatever. I told him I quit smoking. He was surprised and said not that you probably care, but Mike smokes more than he ever did. I said that was a shame. I asked if he was married yet. Sean said no. I said I was surprised. Anyhoo, I didn't want to have a conversation about Mike. I did tell sean that if he sees him tell him that I think our father's flags were mixed up. If mike doesn't give a shit about it, neither do I. Truth be told, I really don't want to talk to Mike. So if I get no response, or if Sean acts as a mediator, then that would be great.

It stings a little, to run into his friends. They're moving across town so i won't be seeing them ever again anyway.

So, the distracted guy called. He was surprisingly pleasant to talk to and way smarter than his profile let on. He lives only about two miles away, but he is hardly home. What is up with me FINALLY making connections to some people that I like and they're on the road more times than they're home? Le Sigh! Whatever.

Today i found a snake as I went for my walk. I wanted to pick it up but my luck it would have been poisonous and bit me. I am sure it wasn't. It was tiny and didnt' seem agressive. Since he was close to the road, I got a stick and pushed him further towards the grassy area. Then I think he went into a storm drain. :( I hope he is ok down there and will be able to find a way to slither out.

Swimsuits...

I hate them. Not for the reason of being fat (though that plays a small part of it) but because the bastards do not last and the athletic ones are too skimpy. I am not some mommy that sits on the side of the pool watching her little darlings swim. Could you please make a conservative but LASTING swimsuit that flatters those of us who are NOT athletes? Thank you.


Dating: So there was this guy who's made contact with me a few times and I wasn't really interested. Blame it on hormones or something but I became interested and began to respond. He said he'd call me, he never has. He said he's been "distracted". Hmmmm. That does not sound good. It is either one of two things (possibly three)...Serious ex problems (no thank you), He's met someone else and is seeing how that's going to go but he doesn't want to let go of any other possibilities in case that doesn't work out...Ugh. Sorry, I aint your Hollerbackup plan. That shit's bananas. Or he's in legal trouble...ain't touchin' that with a 100 foot pole.

So, another guy that I saw at the end of May called and we went out on Mon. He later came over here and we hung out. He was leaving on Tues to go back to the east coast as he lives both here and there. Yeah, that could either be the most perfect relationship or the worst. He's a smart guy though and that turns me on. I mean come on, doesn't everyone think words like bi-pedal and talks of the anatomy of a virus are sexy? No? Ok, so i am weird like that. Geeks turn me on. And he's not bad looking either. He's 48 but looks much younger. Lot's of red flags though including three children by three different ladies. Seems he likes to make babies but doesn't like to stick around. He isn't a dead beat but really, how much of a father can you be when your children are scattered in two different places? and he wants to have more children and have a "real family". Just what is a real family? Are those children not your 'real family"? I know he loves them. He talks about them a fair deal (not to the point of boredom though). I dunno. In the tween time and when I am bored, he'll do. As I think about a life with someone though, all I really want to do is physically RUN and run fast away from the sitch.

I am starting to run now. It is fun and does wonders for my mind and body. It releases some kind of seretonins or whatever happy shit chemical that is in your body. I see why people get addicted to it.

I am going to look for swim suits now. Then I will go work out, swim, come home and maybe run.

Today's horoscope...

Today's Gemini Horoscope: Jun 23, 2008
Today you won't be able to spend a nice cozy day at home, but you probably were aware of that already, dear Gemini. Today's aspects bring a great deal of change into your life, including more openness to other people. Since you care so much about creating a nurturing home environment, why don't you think about sharing it with other people? Give a little bit of yourself, a little of your fantasy.

Cuz sharing my house with three cats and a rat doesn't count? Ok maybe it doesn't and I have been thinking about being a foster parent, but....Ok, I will at least wait until I get my basement waterproofed. Even though i have a nice sized house with two empty rooms and an empty bathroom, I just don't know about sharing my house with an actual person again. I really like being able to do what I want when i want and how loud I want.

In other news, check out this nasty email I got on match...

I must asume that you feel that you are to good for me or something. Or maybe you are just a rude bitch. Anyway, I am done on this site for losers on the 30th. You have till then to come to your senses or to rott with the scum on this site. I have thought so much more of you than this.TIM


Why yes Tim, I do feel I am too good for you and I really don't care that you think I am a rude bitch for *gasp* ignoring a wink. Oh good heavens! And do you REALLY think that I am going to "come to my senses" and now contact you? Good god. That little email speaks volumes about your character Tim...Insecure, childish, redneck, jerk. I have been ignored plenty of times on dating sites. Newsflash. You're not going to be everyone's cup of tea. Get over it. Grow a thicker skin ya pissy little bitch.

In addition to Babba wawa's philosophy...

It may be scary for you to do anything risky for fear of conflict or failure, dear Gemini. Perhaps you have tried to become invisible in different situations so that you can slip through the cracks without being noticed. These defense mechanisms may serve you for a while, but acting from a basis of fear or guilt will never get you where you need to go in life. For you to achieve what you want, you need to act from a solid foundation of confidence, love, and faith. More...

odds and ends...

I deleted a bunch of emails that I sent and recieved. It really stung but now they don't haunt me. Decluttering the mind, body, and soul.

Richard, you're gone. Wish you well, you ass.

First guy post divorce (John). I know you're around and I can get a hold of you any time. I did let go of all the sweet emails you sent pre your flaking out on me. You're such a turkey but I still like you.

Mike. I still have a few of your e-mails. I don't know why I haven't been able to let go of them yet. I don't even know you anymore and I don't think I would really like you much anyway. That is such a weird feeling considering you were my family for 10 years. Oh well. I still have your dad's flag. You've never gotten back to me about the flag switch. I really don't care. It is just a symbol. I will keep the flag I have, well and in good shape. It will remind me of Nick, and whatever becomes of the one you took (Nick's) I suppose it doesn't matter. It is all from the same cloth, so to speak. Oh, I dreamed of you last night. You wanted to say you were sorry and that you wanted to be friends. You had your hair cut in this ultra trendy style that was far too young for you. You looked desperate to be holding on to some kind of youthful persona but your eyes looked tired and haggard. You looked sad and lonely. I didn't feel bad for you but I also didn't feel joy in my dream either. I wouldn't want to be your friend. You don't know what that means. I do hope you're happy but I would really like for you to stay out of my head.

Barbara Walters...No, I didn't get email from her, I am switching gears. I saw her on Ellen today. I don't normally listen to her glurge but Ellen asked if there was anything she could have changed from her "tumultuous" life (my words not hers, but that is the sentiment that Babs book is portraying...Oh please!)...what would it be? Such a profound answer in it's simplicity, Babs answered that she would have tried to be happier or something like that. Basically saying she would have taken the time to be happy, to MAKE happiness, to LIVE a happier life. That is what I am going to do. I am not going to be passive about it.

Another weird dream...

I was in a car and the weather was bad. A tornado came across my car and lifted me up, still in my car and crouching down. I didn't get lifted too far or high and landed unscathed. Somehow I managed to find myself at Christie's home but for some reason she was being an unbelieveable bitch and not letting me in or use her phone. I looked up into the sky which now had puffy cumulous cloud and blue sky but there were people in their cars sitting on top of the clouds. Some of them were getting out and I knew it would just be a matter of time before they fell through. How were they going to get down? Uh, never mind that I could actually SEE them as if they were only 30-40 feet away.

What is up with the weird dreams I wonder? I hardly ever dream and now it seems I dream fairly regularly. I suppose I will dream of dinosaurs or zombies tonight eh? Or will it be the stress dreams of missing that history class until finals week or losing my teeth...or the waitressing dream. Or maybe I will dream of my mom. I think I've jinxed myself now. I will probably combine all of them. Wouldn't that be a little odd.

Online dating dont's

Men! Pay attention! When you are submitting a profile for on-line dating, here are a few things to remember:

Group photos:

Don't make me guess which one is you. I might be really disappointed thinking I am meeting the hot friend and it turns out to be you.


Photos of scenery:

WTF cares? I don't want to see pictures of : flowers, trees, the places you've visted, your car (WTF?), your harley etc. If you want to include a picture of your home, that might be acceptable so I know that you don't live in a van down by the river. But really, I am not impressed if your house is a typical Milk Carton Valley home or if it is a restored one of a kind Victorian, or if it is a freaking mansion. If you take photos in your home though, I will be checking out the background to see if you have at least a modicum of style. If I see precious moments, teddy bear borders, a singing fish, or the damn bird clock, you lose serious points...Unless, you have it juxtaposed in a way that is fashionably kitsche. That takes a lot of creativity and a good sense of humour to pull off so you get bonus points for that.

Kids and pets:

Yes, they show a sensitive side. However, too many pics of your pet and only one or two of you are not acceptable. I am not looking for companionship with your animal, I have four of my own who suck the life out of me already. Kids...If they're yours, I wanna see them. Why? because if I ever do decide to procreate (highly unlikely) I wanna make sure you have some good looking offspring. Otherwise, ugly babies are likely to be left on a cliff to survive the elements ala spartans. Even if I don't decide to have kids, I don't want to be embarrassed by your uglies. Please make sure they are clean, well groomed, and given a little extra care if they are in that awkward stage. I am not cleaning up that mess. :) If they are NOT your kids, I don't want to see them. It seems a little over kill when you don't have children to be hamming it up with the token child here and there to prove you're daddy material. I don't give a fuck.

Body types:

Don't state that you are looking for someone who is athletic and slender and then wink at me. It clearly states on my profile that I have a few extra pounds. Depending upon how shallow you are, a few extra pounds could be a size 8 to you or a size 18. I fall in between. Either way, if you haven't stated that a little chunk is ok with you, I would constantly be thinking...Do I look fat in this? Is he noticing my roll? Should I really order desert? I won't be contacting you if I don't see that chunky girls are ok in your book.

On your own body type...Be sure you have something to offer if you are going to suggest that chunky girls are not attractive to you. That double chin of yours and lack of a neck suggests that you may want to change your own profile from athletic to a few extra pounds. And I am ok with baldness, a few extra pounds, etc. Just be honest about your body type or double check with a friend about your self perceptions.

Grammar:

I am not perfect but I do expect some kind of punctuation knowledge. Don't type in all caps (why are you yelling at me already?) Spell check...it is a good thing. Periods, spaces, commas, all necessary. Complete sentences are structurally necessary too, though sometimes you can get away without them to make a point. Only one per paragraph or so. Speak with proper grammar.. Hey baby I seen you lookin at me is not good. Too much wrong with that sentence to go into.

Education:

I have a graduate degree. I don't care if it makes me snobby, I don't care how much money you make. I clearly stated that I want someone who is educated and preferably has, at least, a bachelor's degree. If you have a shitty, incoherent profile, make 35k or less, and a highschool education, don't bother. You have nothing to offer me. OTOH, if you have a wonderful, creative profile, make a decent living and are driven, open minded, culturally aware but only a high school ed, I might consider you. Sometimes life experience counts just as much as an education and sometimes even more.

Cliches:

Avoid them. Glass half full, etc. Some cliches are just part of life. It is ok to say you're a happy person. It is ok to use phrases such as I want someone who knows what they want and who they are.....HOWEVER, only if you have the character to back that up. You had better know what you want and you had better know who you are to an extent. I realise that no one can be 100% on that and if you are, you're not evolving and stagnant is bad, always. Don't tell me you're honest to a fault. Everyone lies. You do too, so there goes that bragging point. Humble thyself.

Oh, pictures again:

A variety of dress would be good. I don't want to see pic after pic of your rippling muscles in shirtless poses (though I might come back to visit your profile just for the eye candy). Casual tees and wifebeaters...also not accpetable in every. single. picutre! Please have a variety. I want to know that you have a suit for nice evenings out. I want to know that you are not so stuffy that you don't have a pair of jeans or shorts. And ok, the occasional chest shot is good.

Hope this was helpful.

Dream...

This morning I woke up with that really heavy pounding in my chest and kind of gasping for air. I had a very strange dream. I dreamed that Mike and Gina were moving into my house. On the plus side, she was not attractive at all (but she was really nice). What bothered me most about this dream was not that they were happily together, but that Mike decided to put in new kitchen cabinets.. They were horrendous!! They were dark brown wood with very heavy wood grain kind of like this http://www.jgmfaux.com/HonduranMahogany.jpg only bad. It wasn't a warm colour but more a dark dull brown on the greenish side, if that makes sense. The cabinets were useless. There was this really small narrow drawer space that looked more like a keyhole than a drawer and it was set into a very large cabinet. They didn't fit the space well and they clashed even more horribly with the already awful yellow countertops.

In my dream I was holding a very large knife and Mike was fearful I was going to do something with it. I don't know why I was holding it but I remember being insulted that he thought I would care enough to be violent. I told him the house was mine and he needed to get rid of the cabinets and bring back the old ones. He was at a loss and pissed because he thought he had done such a wonderful job. Plus I guess because he knew he would owe me money. Oh, I never have gotten the 2,000 dollars he told me he would pay. I never will. That is ok. Goes more to prove his character than anything else and helps me to realize he wasn't anything near the man I thought he was. Anyhoo, I pretty much woke up then.

If I am going to analyze why I dreamed this, I would have to chalk it up to boredom and my demon I was fighting yesterday. He was on my mind for no apparent reason other than, I guess, I wasn't living up to my own potential and occupying my own time. I also curse him because of the damn lava rocks and I am thinking I really need to get rid of them around the house because when it gets to waterproofing, those are all going to have to be dug out and I DON'T want them getting burried in the back fill. And I think about all the shit he tried to improve here but really fucked up even more (like the basement perimiter when he tried to do his own water proofing). After 10 years of marriage, I got a great deck, I got to meet my father, and I got through school with his help. What did he get? Freedom to experiment with career options (or lack there of) free room and board for a while, trips to San D and a luxurious lifestyle when we visited my dad, a loving wife who always put his needs first and cared about his happiness, health insurance. And money. Lots of money that didn't belong to him.

I am better off now than he ever will be in all ways. Mostly because I have character. He doesn't.

Number 13 on the 13th..

I have a date tomorrow with guy number 13 and it will be Friday the 13th. Hmmmm. Anyway, he is a *what the hell* type of date. Totally not my type (whatever that is). Odd but intriguing enough to check it out. Like I said, What the hell? It is summer time, what else is there to do?

The demon that i am fighting today

The urge to Google in all ways evil. You know what I mean... It is a kind of spying on your ex SOs. It only leads to unhappiness, as irrational as that is. So I will kick myself in the ass and make myself clean and declutter.

I want to live as simply as a Monk. Let no worldly possessions tie me down...well, except for the multi coloured packs of sharpie markers. And glittery, shiny stuff. And then there are the damn cats and the rat. Ok, but all that stuff is worth it, not that I consider my living four-legged companions stuff.

Financially I am great. I just got paid for the summer and worked out a budget. I got the ball rolling to waterproof the basement. It is going tobe about 13K. I look at it as a car payment except that it doesn't depreciate. I really need to get out of this fear of spending money. Sure it is good to save, but come on! Balance chick...BALANCE! Do what needs to be done without feeling guilty and have nice things that you want without feeling guilty.

Today is...again...

Today is:
A rainy day
a calm day
A quiet day
A Clean day
A sore day
A sweet day
A nostalgic day
A vacation day
A work at home day
A healthy day

School is out. I have two days of fluff stuff to do and then it is summer break officially. we have had thunderstorms with lightning and tornado watches. Lots of rain. I think back to last summer and the draught. How horrible it was. I have learned to love the rain. Everything is green. Now I have to get my basement waterproofed though to fully appreciate it.

Life is good. I am still on a high. I don't know why... there are no romances in the air, I am still alone, but all is beautiful.

Peace...

Today i feel peaceful and serene. I volunteered at the Summer Art Fair yesterday with my sister. She had to leave early, but I walked around and bought a few pieces of art that make me happy. It was a good day to be somewhere alone and do something I have never done before, on my own. I was proud of myself for not needing someone to be there with me and I really had a great time.

I am happier today and in the past few weeks than I have been in years. And this time it is not by the actions of others...it is a different kind of happiness. I love my life.