Words like Us and We...

Those words are so loaded.

It has taken me nearly 15 months to stop saying We, Our, etc. when refering to my lifestyle and MY house. Not only because i shared this house with my ex-husband, but because i also grew up here and have the Our and We of my mom and dad. I suppose I am still safe in saying we and our and us since I share with cats and rat. Still, I get both horrified and enamoured when I hear those words being used by 16. For example, I got a text from him and I texted back saying I was at BBand B. He writes back, oh, buy us something. I quickly responded that i had found a Man Groomer http://www.mangroomer.com/Default.aspx even though he doesn't have a hairy back. I am hearing a lot of We(s) in the future tense as well. We're going to do.....We'll do this in October....blah blah blah. Oh yeah? I try to remain positive and think well yeah! Why can't I be a we or an us or have an our again? I am just as deserving as anyone else and lots of men don't do the rebound thing. I mean look at Mike. He's shacked right up with his first significant other after our split. Though he was the dumper so maybe his ego doesn't need as much repairing as 16's. Mine is pretty much repaired with a few cracks here and there that leak occasionally.

bah...

So I jumped the gun on 16. Everything is all peachy again. Goob.

Number 15 emailed me today. He thinks just because I got back on match that i am available again. I let him know that I am not. I could hear the whining and bitterness in his response. Eh, it probably wasn't really there but for some reason the poor guy began to grate on my nerves really bad. And I feel bad for this still, which makes it all the more unpleasant. Wish he'd just not contact me or maybe I need to step it up on the bitch factor. I envy those women who are not afraid to be a bitch. That word still sits uncomfortable on my tongue and in my mind. Ok, it is 105am and I have to work tomorrow. First day at school for the summer program. I am tired and prolly not making much sense.

and random randingoes...
I love you
I miss you
and I have a cat kneading my ass right now...with claws. OUCH!

Jersey boy..

AKA Traveling dude, called today. I was relieved to hear from him since I felt so bad ditching him. Seems he is ok with an open relationship...but I am not. I don't get how polygamists do it. It is just way too much work and I can only date one person at a time. Well, that and of course you get labeled a slut.

HEY ASSHOLE...

I am going to start an ASSHOLE file. Just cuz.

Hey ASSHOLE!

When you see me waiting to pull into the empty spot next to your SUV, that is NOT the time to start goo gooing to your child in their car seat. Do that shit at home, I am not sitting in my car watchin you all dewey eyed and going aaaaaawwwweeeee. So don't look up at me and smile as if you've just brightened my day with sunshine, rainbows and puppies. Get the FUCK out of my way!

HEY ASSHOLE!

or this could be a HEY DUMBASS post... When you have tinted windows, you probably love them because you can pick your nose in private, scratch your balls, grab your GF's boob etc. Well, please remember that when we're at a stop sign and you decide to be nice and wave the motourist on ahead of you. WE CAN'T SEE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In other related asshole news...Ok, he might not be an asshole, but he's a guy and right now, they're all assholes...

I think number 16 is flaking out. He got into some huge fight with his STBX over the last few days and he is shutting down. I know what this means. It means....

I need to get my head straight
I need to find myself
I need some distance
I need some time

Yadda yadda, yaddah! insert whatever flakey cliche' people say when they start getting all fucked up and dramatic.

And so the criteria list grows. Normally I don't date separated people. They must be divorced already but I let my guard down on this one. Separated people are fucked in the head and you certainly don't want to be their first after divorce. I know this cuz I was there.

I want drama free. No drama with the exes. No drama with the kids. No drama PERIOD. Drama is only good to watch on Judge Judy because it makes you feel better about your life and how you are glad you're really not missing out on anything.

I know I jinxed myself because I told someone (irl) about how great the sex was. But it was damnit. I know I should not think negatively, but I have just seen this happen one too many times. We'll see if 17 will be around the corner. Whatever. I have things I have to do anyway and it doesn't include plans with others. I don't want to have to work at shit. Keep up or go away.

Songs I like...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7Fl2yWalH4 Into the Ocean

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JOpjdrK1GVc Boats and Birds

Anxiety

Summer is feeling like it is over already. I know I still have a month to go really, but the summer program starts next week and then it will only be a matter of a few days until the grind starts again. Overall, this summer has been so much better than last year. On monday, it will be Mike's birthday. It was last year at this time that the shit hit the fan when Gina answered his phone. That day he was supposed to have been with me and we were supposed to have been working on our marriage. I haven't seen him since Dec. 29th when he came to get the last of his things. On the 27th it will be 8 months since our divorce was final and it will be nine months since I stopped smoking. It has been 24 months since mom died and 19 months since Mike left. God I feel like I have aged so much since. Mom's death doesn't seem that long ago but the Mike years seem so far away. YEs, it still hurts but I will say it hurts much less when you have some other guy distraction. Number 16 and I are still seeing each other. We've been together almost every night since our first meeting on the 5th of July. I don't know what will happen, but for now, we seem to enjoy each other enough. The sex is phenominal. That is all I will say on that, but OMG, it is.

In other news, Sunday, my sisters came over and we had brunch at First Watch. Later we went shopping and really had a good time trying on clothes and basically being silly. My sister bought me an adorable shirt that is very flattering, fem, and dressy (for belated birthday). after they left, I went to the pool for about an hour. I love going to this pool because I don't feel like I have to stay there forever to get my money's worth (I don't pay extra for it and I would be at the gym anyway even if there wasn't this great outdoor pool). I was only there for an hour and it started to cloud up so I went home, felt very tired and went to sleep. About 7 PM, the house felt as if it was shaking and I woke up. I went downstairs and wind was going crazy. The sirens went off just as I turned on the TV so I gathered the cats and rat put them downstairs. I went back to the TV to see what appeared tobe funnel clouds and decided to join my pets. It was pretty scary, but about 10 minutes later it pretty much passed. I need to get a kit prepared for downstairs.

Traveling dude...

Traveling dude with all the baby mamas called today. I broke it off with him. Not that there was much to break off since we have only seen each other twice and talked on the phone for a handful of times. I did like him, I really did but distance does not make the heart grow fonder. Not THAT much distance. And so it goes. I feel bad now. I have to remember that post secret post about good byes... I look forward to good byes and starting over...fresh....something like that.

Goodbyes make me sad though. It doesn't matter what kind it is. Good bye to the end of a book, the friendships, visitors that travel far to see you or you to them, lovers, those who have passed on, etc. Goodbyes are a loss. Temporary or permanent.

Ugh. Hormones...

I am sitting here feeling blah and not even being able to figure out if I am happy or not. I am feeling flighty, nervous, jumpy, angry, weepy, etc. This is a reminder to myself that I am not crazy, I am not going crazy, that I go through this every fucking month and WHY CAN'T YOU RECOGNIZE THAT???? Oy. No, I take that back...If when a person questions their sanity, that is a sign that they are indeed, NOT crazy, then I must be temporarily insane every month (some worse than others) when I am in the midst of my whatever you wanna call it and I can't figure out what is wrong with me. I am lucky if I have a moment of clarity (like now) that I can talk myself down from the ledge of insanity, but many times I don't recognize the issue until it is too late. Come to think of it, I wonder if last year when I became insane with Mike, if I was in a "state".

I spent 200 bucks on a water heater today. If I were a guy, I probably would have been able to fix it myself. Yeah, shut up! I am the stereotypical girl when it comes to this kind of stuff. I get thrilled to death when I do anything remotely "manly" such as the yard work or filling my tank up with gas even. Isn't that a hoot considering when I was a kid I never felt fem.

DG..No longer distracted...

So for now, I will call him subject number 16. Still going well even though he is out of town for a week.

I am craving a dirty gin martini with blue cheese stuffed olives...extra dirty. The Bone Fish makes a really good one. OMG. I need to find a friend to drag down there. I am tired. I spent the day at the pool again. The first time there was Thursday. Tomorrow I plan to go again, come back and do some stuff, then go back for weights and aqua-aerobics. Life is fucking GOOD right now...Even if I weren't hot and heavy with subject number 16,.

DG so far so good...

We've seen each other three times since july 5th. Still going well. Really well.

The date 15 called the other day and I really didn't want to talk to him. Thank god I am dog sitting and used that as an excuse to get off the phone. He emailed me yesterday asking if I was having a better day (I was pissed because I keep getting calls for this debt collecting agency and they have the wrong person!!) So, I emailed him back today and let him know that I had met someone. I took a page from Out of state-thought he was my soul mate guy, and told him that correspondence would be awkward and I hoped he understood blah blah blah. See, it is good to get dumped because then you can use the lines that were used on you :D Well, at least I wasn't lying all teh way. 16 is still way too new to say monogamy, but it at least sounds fairly legit.

Gossip...

http://msn.foxsports.com/mlb/story/8316254?MSNHPHCP&GT1=39002

I don't even follow this stuff, but I have heard about this Kabballah shit only in name and it's association with Madonna. I don't even know who this A-Rod person is nor do I really care, but the one sentence of all this trash, that stood out for me was this...

Cynthia has blamed Madonna for getting her husband hooked on the study of the ancient Jewish Zohar scripts, which followers claim have all the answers to the universe.
Kabbalah's 3 million worldwide followers believe that none of people's bad traits are a result of their parents.
Traditionalists, however, have slammed the "religion," arguing it's more of a cult, selling $3 bottles of spiritual water claimed to have miracle healing powers.

So I am sure all these trendiegh people who follow also possess all the answers to the universe. How interesting. How special. How typical egotistical Hollowood.

Distracted guy...

Guess what? He makes date number 16. He called me late on July 4th and we talked. He's really easy to talk to. So last night, just before 10 I was trying to decide if I wanted to wash the stink of the day off of me and go to bed or call up a friend and go to The Pub when i got a text from DG (distracted guy). It read: guess where I am, The pub at the mall. So I called him and asked how long he was going to be there and he said I dunno, why. Well duh, so we can meet. So I told him I would be up in a half hour but warned him I had been working out and working in the yard so that I wouldn't be all that spectacular. So I wiped down with a wet cloth, took an iron to my hair because it had kinked up, threw on some make-up, jeans and a cute little red tee shirt. Not half bad. I got there in 18 minutes walked in and didn't see anyone who might resemble him at the bar. I figured he flaked and left or was in the RR. Out of the corner of my eye i see someone peaking around the table center piece and he kind of waved me over. There was a fairly immediate attraction that was really cool. At least, I am pretty sure he was attracted or he faked it well. We talked really easily, had some wine, drew pictures on napkins (I would have to draw a part then he would add on to it and so on). I thought he was into me because he was really close and kept a lot of physical contact, but I think he's just a really physical person because he put his arm around the server too. So, The Pub was closing and he suggested we go to another place that would be open for about another hour. So we did. It was a lot quieter and we really connected. He dropped me off at my car and I said, so do I get a hug? and he said oh, I want more than that....It was electric. ELECTRIC! So we talked about going to see the Bodies exhibit here soon. Ok, I just deleted all the stuff I wrote about how this will never work. I am going to stay positive and say that I really look forward to seeing him again.

Sickening feeling....

Yeah, so date number 15 I have decided was a real WTF was I thinking kind of thing. Nice guy but there are things that I find completely incompatable. I know he is going to ask me why when I tell him I am not interested. Why do people ask that? Good god, I never want to know why someone isn't interested. I KNOW why. They're not physically attracted to me and that is OKAY!! But don't make someone say it. I don't want to tell someone I am not physically attracted to you. I don't want to hear it either, but it isn't a big deal. He's the type of person who is going to ask. I know he is. I also don't like that he sounds like Mr. Rogers, that he has a dog (and a yippee one) the way he walks (kind of slumped forward) and he has a smoker's laugh/cough. He is also shorter than I am, which I am effing short. OK, that is all nicely said. The truth is much harsher than that, and I feel a little guilty about it. There is a smell too. It isn't like body odour or cologne, but his smell is not comfortable. I don't know how to explain that one, and I know it makes me sound a little freaky, but I am very in-tune to a person's scent and I don't like his.

I hate that I want to be nice and not hurt someone's feelings. It is going to happen though.

Distracted guy called me (the day that I wrote that I didn't hear from him). He left a message on my cell phone which I never remember how to get and it takes me about a half hour to access it. I texted him back twice and he never responded. Today i had an email from him. It was from last night, wondering what I was doing at 11:45. WTF? I would like someone a little more interested in conversing or building a relationship or something other than feeling like a side thing to do when you're bored.

Whoa. guess I am feeling pissy on men eh?

I forgive you.

How many will it take?

I really just need to hang it up. what was I thinking last night? Something about it is better to be alone. Or at least that it far outweighs being involved with someone. What do you have to gain by being in a relationship?

Constant worry about disappointing someone
the pain of breakups
the disappointment of first dates
fighting
inequity in compromise

Oh foo foo on anyone reading this and saying that I am bitter or jaded, or sour graping etc. You're just up on a high time in your relationship.. I will never forget this chick who got really offended at Frank's 30th birthday party. I can't remember what i said but it was something to the effect of relationships aren't based on romance but lots of hard work or something like that. She was really mad and said that isn't true and stomed off. I wasn't even talking to her but she over heard my conversation (this was when i was happily married mind you). Anyway, she was marrying this boyfriend of hers that was there. They were all cuddly and fluffy with each other (gag). FFWD about 2-3 years and they were in the midst of a horribly bitter and nasty divorce. She looked like hell.

I never thought I would get divorced, but it was always in the back of my mind as a reality. I mean I guess I thought it would happen, but I wanted desperately to believe that we would beat the odds. I thought there might come a day but I didn't see it coming at all. No one goes into marriage thinking they will get divorced, but all should plan for it. If there ever is a next time, a pre-nup will most definitely be in order and they will never be able to get a hold of my savings.

Date number 15?

Yeah, date number 15 tonight. We'll call him Ray. he's 52. That seems so old, but good god, it is only 12 years older than I am.

Distracted guy (who I developed a wild fantasy crush on based upon his pictures) never called again. We texted a few times, but he seems a bit flighty. He has a whiny kind of voice anyway which reminds me of one of the John guys I dated. That John reminded me of Conway Twitty and had weird breaks in his speech that made me keep thinking the phone went dead. He was also so incredibly messed up from his divorce. He was such a sweet guy, but just ooogey when it comes to thinking about....well, whatever.

So, distracted guy is not something I am counting on, but if he asks me for a date, I will consider it. He has freakishly large hands in his pictures, which I find strangely alluring? Must have big gloves eh?