The new stuff I forgot to mention...

November 9th, I got a car, and a new cat all at the same time. On Tuesday the eighth, my dodge neon of 10 years died on me. The windows were leaking, the turn signal broken, no AC, and a host of other things were going wrong with it when it just decided to cut out on me while driving home. Thankfully I was less than a block away from home and I just walked on home. It started up again, and we were able to put it in the drive way. The next day we went to look at cars and got a hyundai sonata. It had 22,000 miles on it, and it was a 2005. We bought an extended warranty on it since we like to keep cars until they are worthless, and we were able to buy it out right. No payments! I hated spending such a huge chunk of money on something, but we have already saved up a quarter of what we paid for it. By the end of the year we will have our savings back up and we will be buying a house soon.

Oh, the cat. So she showed up with a buddy on our doorstep when we pulled into the driveway on Tuesday night (the night before we got the car) We loved on her a little bit and her buddy wouldn't come near us. It was getting cold the next day so we kept an eye out for her, and of course, we fed her. That Wed, we had noticed that she slept in the neighbour's patio furniture and she kept meowing to come in. IT was going to turn very cold, so we set up a cage for her in the garage. We put in a notice at the shelter in case anyone was looking for her, but we got no response, so a few days later we let her in our house. She immediately acted as if she had always been there, and bossed the other cats around. On Dec. 9th, we finally dug into our pockets and shelled out money for her to see the vet. They estimate her age to be around 6 months and she was in perfect health. They think she will be a large cat and she is very muscular. Her it is on the 25th and we still don't know what to call her. DH calls her blackie, but I kind of like Ezzy, short for esmerelda. She still needs to be spayed. Hopefully we can get her before she starts her caterwauling.

I have no title...Just stuff.

Got an "A" in my class. Still 4.0. Great, but a lot of pressure to keep it up. If I can get through tw0 more classes without a blemish I will be good to go until I decide to go back for my Phd. Pfft. Don't laugh. I could you know. Why not? What else am I going to do with my time and money? I may as well.

Tomorrow is the last day before Xmess break. I have no idea why I feel so hostile right now, but I just want to shout out a hearty Fuck YOU to a good portion of the people out there in the world. Not for any good reason, and nothing personal. I just feel like lashing out at someone, anyone, and perfect strangers are better than those I love right now. Mostly better than lashing out at her, my mother. She has become so disagreeable since she has been ill and I have to pretend that I am agreeing with her. I don't want to hear about her Bush worship. I don't want to hear about her hating the liberals, and blaming every goddamn thing on those damn liberals. She has become beyond ultra conservative. It creeps into every goddamn sentence. Mom, You are wrong. God doesn't belong in the schools, Happy holifuckingdays is just as good as saying Merry motherfucking Christmas, I support Gay rights and think they should be able to marry. I support Abortion rights, and thank God I still have the ability to control my own reproductive choice should the need come about. And I can't remember what the hell else it is that bugs the crap out of me, but just can it for a while willya? Oh, and I am sorry for whatever it was I did when I was 5 fucking years old. I am now 37. Can we let it go? Quit thinking you know me when you refuse to acknowledge that I haven't been that way in years.

Yeah, I love you, and I feel guilty. I feel guilty because of a lot of things that I feel for you. Things that can't be said.

the realization

I feel like I felt the day she told me. Doomed. It is going to happen and there is nothing I can do.

Her poor feet are sore from the chemo so I bought her some toe socks to wear with her sandals. For the first time, she looks bad. Her colouring is sallow, and she has some sores on her skin. She doesn't feel like eating, and this will be the first Thanksgiving where we haven't gotten together, or I haven't been anywhere. Excuse me for being a little self pitying, but I guess I am getting a sense of what life will be like with out her. Sure, I am a grown woman, with a husband, career, and all the things that make you an adult, but damnit. I wish it was me sometimes. I always thought I would go before her and I didn't think I could bear the pain of losing her. Sometimes I think there is still hope.

And then there is the shock of calmness.

And sleepiness.

All I want to do is sleep.

2001. A lovely time

Cha cha cha changes...

The road. I have lived here 20 something years and our main road is going from a little two lane to a four lane. I should have documented all the progress when it all started back in 2001. The little yellow farm house that went away, the smaller brick houses, the ice cream shop, the stream that had the little waterfalls, all of them are gone. I took some pictures of the old road right before our house, before it is no more.

So many things change. Our local mall that had only about seven stores at it's height plus a McAlpins (now Dillards) has been torn down to make way for a new open air, upscale shopping plaza. It is swanky looking. Even the Friday's where I used to work has gone all upscale. The 11 pieces of flair that we had to wear on our suspenders, with our goofy hats have been replaced with polos and black pants, no hats. That was about 6 years ago. Dh and I went in there last week for brunch, and they have gotten rid of all the "antiques" and the tiffany lamps, except for the large row boat. The new decor is dark, psuedo sophisticated, and trying WAY too hard. I dunno. Are they still going to be able to keep up the fambly friendly atmosphere? or are they going to be like they originally were, a fun BAR! Remains to be seen I guess.

Sometimes I feel like I can never leave this place. Other times, I feel like that is all I want to do. Start over somewhere. I can't ever see any other place as being my home though. This place isn't special, but it is where I have grown up. It is where all my beloved pets were, and where my step-dad died. It was the first house I ever lived in after living in apartments in my younger years. The first house that I lived in as a married woman. Soon we will have to make that decision. Buy this house, or sell it. I, of course, hope that decision isn't really soon. All the talk of wills and dividing up property. It sucks. I don't know how to live without my mother. Not that she runs my life or anything, but she has always been there. Like this house. Another change I guess.

Of death and things...

I told mom I would take care of her dog and cat. We discussed her will as much as I would let her, because she really shouldn't be discussing it with me now that she is talking to an attorney. Regardless, I just don't care about "stuff". The things that are priceless to me are mine, from her. My wedding dress. My seniour dinner dance dress, pictures, and memories. Of course I will care for her animals. They are not considered "stuff" though. I don't know how that will work in a small house, with two cats and a rat already, but we can make it work. No one will want to come over, but it isn't like we have a lot of people visit anyway. :D

It is hard to remember that she is sick sometimes. She seems so well. A year ago her prognosis was two years. So one year is already passed. Will this summer be it? But I have made plans already. She is going to help me learn to sew. We are going to start a project from start to finish.

It is ok to plan right? Of course it is. It is the only thing that will keep us going.

"I mean by a picture a beautiful romantic dream of something that never was, never will be - in a light better than any light that ever shone - in a land no one can define or remember, only desire - and from the forms divinely beautiful."
Sir Edward Burne-Jones

And so it is friday...

And so I have once again stayed late at school. This time I was playing around with silk screening. I have a lot to catch up on since I have forgotten how to do it. At least this time I was playing around in my room, organizing things, and enjoying myself. I really do like spending time there, and I thought to myself the other day, if I weren't married, I would be one of those work a holics.

I had to call in sick yesterday. I had been up all night with a bad stomach virus. Of course I got all stressed out about should I wait it out or call in. Back and forth ya know. Since I have to be at work so early, I went ahead and called in. I had just finished bragging to everyone that I never get sick. I even took the number of a highly recomended sub, and told her I probably wouldn't ever need her, but just in case... Could I find her number when I needed it? Of course not. So I got stuck with some old guy who tormented the children with his endless stories of marilyn monroe, and einstien, and how he met them. The kids told me he was a pathological liar. Oh well, at least they were happy to see me back. Funny as that is.

Cool artist blog

http://www.deletetheweb.com/unstuck/

Thought of the day...

Happiness comes in a package of beautiufully coloured sharpie ultra point markers, and pretty pastel file folders.

OY!

I know that I shouldn't do this, because it can always get worse, BUT, I am ready for this quarter to be over with. My fourth hour and seventh hour are a bunch of loons. One kid has not turned in any work. Detentions don't work, ISS doesn't work, NOTHING works. He just sits there. Lump. Fourth hour noone listens to me when I am giving instructions. They all are goofing off, and then they are trying to tear me in all directions for help when they start working. So I have resorted to sending out mass letters of bad behaviour reports, and detentions. Funny. They started paying attention. Fifth hour is fairly decent, when one child is not there, but when that poor soul shows up, the tension in the room is thick. Everyone is waiting for his outburst, and it is stressful as hell. Many kids in that class are Sped. and needy, They can wait for help or help each other though, while this other kid just brings in heavy negativity. He can't help it though. He came in today after being "gone" for a few days, and gave me a big hug. He has his own special seat that he is very happy with. He did very well today. I really feel sorry for him, but he is beyond my capabilities to help him. He needs one on one.

ON the bright side though, I am becoming Mrs. organization. I am ahead of the game and doing well. I am at the point where I love my job again, and look forward to going to work. I may have mentioned that already, but it is still going strong.

A bad grade...

I got twenty three points out of twenty five on my first project. Then I realised that I missed half of the assignment for the next project that was due tonight. I cried my eyes out, but my prof let me print out what I needed during the break so I was able to turn in the whole thing. Then I cried because of relief. The assignment was supposed to be turned in in the beginning of class, and because I didn't understand something, I am sure I will have points taken off.

It has been ten years since I have had less than a perfect score. 10 YEARS and 20 something classes ago. It is like being a recovering addict and falling off the wagon. I feel tired and useless now.

Oh to be this cat.

Some things to look forward to...

Let me see.

Sleep. Long sleepy winter nights in soft, brushed flannel cotton pajammas.
Hot coco
Chilly nights spent out by the fire pit.
Chamomile tea
The lights of the holiday season.
Painting. Bursts of uncontrollable creativity.

There are things that must be let out.

I am climbing up manic hill. No time for sleep in soft, brushed flannel cotton pah-jah-mahs.

Just a few quick thoughts.

Today I have gotten nearly caught up at school.
My heart has been racing.
I am on day one of recouping from my cold. You know it is three days coming, three days staying, and three days leaving.

My goal is to try and get everything finished tomorrow so there will be no worrying over the weekend. I also have a power point presentation due on Tuesday. I want to get that done tomorrow at the latest!

Survivour is on tonight. Have I tired of that show yet? Maybe this season.

Coming soon..

Autumn is a second spring when every leaf's a flower.

Today:

Sunrise:7:16
Sunset:7:52

I am ok with that. Really, I am.

One month...

Actually over a month since I have stopped smoking.

School is getting better, though I desperately need some serious down time.

I have a cold. I hate having colds.

The Hummingbirds seemed to have followed Mik when he went out of town on Tuesday. He came back, but they haven't. I will miss our little psycho bird. The one that kept comming up to the window everytime we opened it or tapped on the glass. The one that would swoop past us and chase all the other birds away.
The trees are tired. The green has given way to that grey green colour. You can tell change is coming.
The days are shorter. I am not sure why, but now I am actually looking forward to fall and winter. I guess because I am finally in some kind of structured routine. This summer was not really a great summer. I was too unstructured, spent too much time on line, and really can't remember anything productive that I did other than painting the kitchen, which looks fabu!

Four years since 911. It seems distant. Though I will never forget where I was when it happened, I am glad that the rawness of it has gone away. Maybe because Katrina has taken its place right now. I don't know.

Of angels and peaches...

I went to the store today to stock up on food since we are down to the barest condiments. Once again I failed to remember to check out other people's carts, but it was so damn crowded that I didn't have the time between dodging carts and displays. WHY oh WHY did they have a gargantuous banana display blocking half an aisle? It wasn't even in the produce department. It was in the potted meat aisle or something ridiculous. I can even see it being in the cereal aisle, but COME ON! Anyway, it is amazing how much better you feel when your house is full of food. They were having great sales on things like frozen veggies, frozen dinners, yogurt, and ribeyes were only 4.99! So I stocked up on some things and food savered them for the freezer. OVer all I spent about 131.00, but I had a TON of stuff.

Peaches. I have bought peaches at Krogers but they are always california peaches. Cali Peaches SUCK. So I have wound up tossing them up our hill into the green space for the wild animals to enjoy. I went to mom's house today and picked up some of the peaches that they have grown. THAT is what a peach should be. They aren't even fully ripe yet, and are still better than the CAli peaches.

Mom and I got to talking about angels. She thinks she saw one. She actually had her in her car and gave her a lift to her home area. Mom explained that she was distorted and using metal crutches to walk. Her legs were very short and deformed and her body was normal like ours, kind of a dwarf. She said she had only a couple of teeth on the top and bottom of her mouth, but she left mom with a peaceful good feeling. I know what she means. I have two people that I believe are angels that I see in some of the oddest places. One is an old lady with black hair in a cleopatra bob style. She is always wearing bright clothes, especially blues, and ALWAYS wearing a blue baret. The other is a man in his 40s or fifties. He also wears bright colours. I never thought of it, but maybe the bright colours are symbolic of the arts. Anyway, nothing miraculous ever happens when I see them or anything, it is just that I am left with a euphoric and peaceful feeling. It is weird in a way that I can't explain. I have only seen the man about 3 times, but I haven't seen him in a long time. The woman I have seen about 5 times, the last time about a year ago.

Even if I don't see them again, it is at least nice to be reminded of them.

We have a new addition...

Snickers. Grey hooded rattie. She is very laid back, friendly, cute as a button. Right now she is lying in her little wooden "house" with her chin resting on the window, watching me. I am sure she and I will become good friends, but right now she is getting used to her new surroundings. again. She has gone from pet store to little girl's house, to a teacher's house (whose husband LOVED her), to a classroom, and now to my house.

I went out tonight with the gang. The first time they have seen my hair since I have gotten it cut and went dark. Everyone seems to like it.

A boy at school blurted out that I was pretty. The thing is, he is a seventh grader, and not a special ed student. As sweet as it was, I felt a little creeped out, and was deeply embarrassed.

My mother's health...

Two months off of chemo, and her spot on her lung has grown some. She claims it isn't too bad, and she feels fine, but that is how she is. She says if you want to pity someone, pity those in NO. Sure I pity them, and I don't pity my mother, but she is close to me, not some random stranger. It isn't pity, it is fear, sadness, worry.

I can't control what is going to happen. I have to keep telling myself that. Enjoy what you have. Be thankful. Use your time wisely with loved ones.
It is so useless to wish for the past.

Pranks and crayons and smells.

I have an old book from my seniour show in 1996. It has signatures in it from all the friends, family and classmates who attended. I pulled it out because I wanted to put a quote in it from Leonardo Da Vinci and I opened to a page in the middle. There was written K......You SUCK! Big DICKS! Love mom. IT has been a long couple of weeks and that topper was just something not needed. I think I remember seeing the prank before and maybe laughing at it. Today I ripped it out. Today it just wasn't funny.

Should I add that gas was $3.09 today? I shouldn't, because it depresses me so, but it is history in the making.
Things that are good...
Still not smoking
A metal box of Caran D'Ache water soluable crayons, that have barely been used. They smell old, like a mildewy old house with creaky floors. It is one of the quirky smells that I like. It reminds me of the home that I never saw, never lived in.
Things are getting clearer at school. Really, there is very little difference between teaching small children and middle school kids. Except the nose picking.

I will be fine. I will be fine. I will be fine.

When the Spirit does not work with the hand, there is no art.

~Leonardo Da vinci!

Happy thoughts?

What are they today?

Well, I guess I can be happy that my cholesterol was good. Blood sugar normal, girly parts in good working order. Thyroid numbers or whatever was a little low and need to be retested. A little isn't really bad though right?

In Computer class, I learned some silly little things that I should know, but I didn't, about word processing. I feel a little more at ease since there are people there that know less than I do.

My thoughts are with the people along the Gulf coast. I hope a full recovery will be quick and easy. How sad on the news that they showed a seal trapped inland. I don't know if he came from an aquarium or what, but the poor thing was in bad shape. They had to kill him because there was no place to put him or care for him. :( :(

God help me...

I think I had my first panic attack. It was Wednesday, and I felt for sure that I would not wake to see the morning as my heart was beating so fast. I was shakey and dizzy, and I cried all night. Poor M didn't know what to do so he went out and bought the universal calmer, ice cream. My world was truly crashing around me and I couldn't talk myself out of it. The feeling isn't with me as much, but I am not all there yet. I keep telling myself that it is just the change of things, and hormones, but I just can't shake it. I have never been this bad. I feel almost paralyzed.

But I am not smoking.

Positive things to think about...

I haven't seen one child pick their nose

the kids all know how to hold and use scissors, glue, hold a pencil etc.

They can be REALLY funny. I like them, even when they are turds.

Funny psycho hummingbirds that fly at our windows when we open the blinds.

A warm fuzzy lap kitty.

chamomile tea.

A few thoughts on Art.

A painting that belonged to R ic (dad). It was one of my favourites. Seems he had an eye for art, but claims not to have had the talent. The artist's name is Dino Valls. There was another painting I liked but didn't snap a picture of, by an artist named Santiago Carbonell. Funny that we went around snapping pictures of the house and all the artwork when no one was looking.

Dad had several Richard MacDonald bronze sculptures throughout his home. A few were beautiful, but they were too much of the perfect female form and the perfect male form. Perfection becomes boring. Cliche. The dancer that can be found on this pagehttp://www.artviewcarmel.com/galleries/display_listings.php is one that he owned. I think it was his favourite.

Well hell....

I forgot some very important information with my last few posts.

I quit smoking way back on August 11th. The first few days were hell, but I have forgotten all about smoking except for a few fleeting moments of anxiety. The real test will be when I get together with the gang on the First Thursday bar meeting, but I will rarely be able to make those anyway with school kicking my ass. September's First Thursday meeting has been moved to Friday. Reads like a Jay Leno Headline, no?

Songs

ANNA NALICK LYRICS"Breathe (2 AM)"

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?, I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason'

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe,

In May he turn 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
Just today he sat down to the flask in his fist,
"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year.
"Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him.
Maybe I'll just sing about it.

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.No one can find the rewind button, boys,So cradle your head in your hands,

And breathe... just breathe,


There's a light at each end of this tunnel, You shout
'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made,
you'll just make them againIf you only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowdCause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

But you can't jump the track,
we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button nowSing it if you understand.

and breathe,
just breathe
woah breathe,
just breathe,
oh breathe,
just breathe.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHH!

School starts on Monday, and my class starts on Tuesday.
I am not ready, but I am to the point where I am so not ready that I am actually ready for anything. I have essentially gone on auto pilot. It happens sometimes with me. I swear to god I shut down and another being takes over for a few weeks or sometimes even months. When I am finally back in charge from my "missed time" it is like Christmas or something and a whole new stress takes over. I kind of like when the big stressed hit though or the little ones build up enough to create the auto pilot person to take over.

I don't know who she is, this autopilot.

A few frightening thoughts:

I made a mistake in leaving my former school

It will be the first week of school next week, and guess what else it will be the first day for? Something that makes you happy sappy and weepy one minute, unexplainably euphoric the next minute, and a raging bitch a nano second after. Understand now? Like I said, frightening.

A few shots of the place that was almost like my second home for a year and a half. It was a different world. To be sure of that.

It will be three years soon...

I will speak of him someday soon..

A few of my favourite flowers. Portulacas. This picture is a few years old, and even though they aren't supposed to come back year after year, they do anyway. I am lucky like that.

Hummingbird come lately..

We changed the hummingbird feeder and placed it closer to the house. Finally we have some action. Sadly so late in the season. The grasses are all brown in the late summer drought. It even looks like fall.

I am two days not smoking. I feel tired. sad. jumping out of my skin. This too shall pass. blah blah blah.

I have to go to the doctors tomorrow for my annual check up. She will yell at me for not having my bloodtests last year and for skipping the Mammogram. I do promise to have them done this year.

Peter Jennings and stuff

So he died last night. I immediately thought of my mother. Not that I wasn't sad for him, but you know, it hits home. I went to see her today. She is in good spirits and still convinced she will be around for a long time.

"did you hear about Peter Jennings?" she asks. Yes I tell her. I can't believe how quickly he went.
"Well, he had the Small Cell cancer" I don't have that. And then we speak of other things such as me being ready for school, the cats, gardening, Belle (her big German Shep) and other fun topics.

I went to my old school today to see if my replacement was there. I wanted to introduce myself and see if she needed any help with organizing, or if she had any questions. She will be in London until the day before school starts. I do want to work closely with her since I will have all her students. I need to make sure she keeps them learned.

Yesterday I went shopping and finally got a pair of pointed shoes. They are Steve Maddens Black denim with a sequened rose on one side and a small kitten heel. TOO cute. I know that the pointed toe is probably going out of style by now, but I always have to be a year behind so that I can afford it. They were only 16.99. I also found a pair of SM slip ons at the thrift store for 3.00! They are brand new. Maybe worn once (they were sprayed with disinfectant and anti fungal spray).

I also hopped on the tunic wagon. I bought three shirts that have the loose angel like sleeves, Empire waist, long assymetrical hem. One is beaded but very low cut so I bought a darling little spaghetti strap tank in green crinkle silk with sequens at the top of it. I felt so pretty. I have decided to dress up more. I am tired of dressing slouchy because I am over weight and waiting to buy "good" clothes in a smaller size. I already have good clothes in smaller sizes, albeit out of style now, or close to it. I will get on the ball though. Lose weight, and stop smoking. I need a whole health overhaul.

My mother

This is mom. Beautiful no? She was about 15 years old and the drawing was taken from one of those photo booth picture takers. She often liked to dress up and go Vamping for the camera. Each picture was a different character. Her life has been like that as well. There is so much I will never know about her, and the things I do know about her give a feeling of saddness, struggle, strength, and anger.

Last July she was diagnosed with Lung cancer. It is advanced, and no cure for her. We all accept it and live day to day. I fight some of the feelings I have about her recently, but I won't get into that right now. Relationships with moms are complex, no matter how much you look up to them. In April her scan showed that a spot on her lung had decreased in size, and in June she was given a two month haitus from treatments. We are hoping the vaccation she has had has not caused anything to spread.

Enough about that though. I can only speak of the sickness in small doses.

This is a drawing I did this year. I entered it in an art show, but it was not accepted. No biggie. I later entered a drawing of my mother and it was accepted.

My favourite Poem

Clams
At midnight I awoke.
The clams I'd bought that evening
were alive in a corner of the kitchen,
their mouths open.

'In the morning
I'll eat you,
every last one of you'

I laughed
a witch's laugh.
After that
I could only sleep through the night,
my mouth slightly open.

~Ishigaki Rin~(translated from Japanese by Hiroaki Sato)