Cutting...

Today i cut down the Hybrid Willows that mike planted about 5 yrs ago. The drought was killing most of them but the one strong one was blocking the entrance to the yard. I guess there were about 8 of them I cut down. There is also a really tall one on the right side of the yard that needs to go too. I have to remove the stumps as well but have a long weekend to get to that. I guess I will use an axe to chop them down and up. It was a productive day even though it felt lonely and I have done nothing but think about him lately. SO is working a lot so I don't see much of him, giving my mind too much time to think of things.

I bought some air fresheners to change the way the house smells. This office in particular, smells like mike still. I don't know how. All of his things are out except for a few boxes. In time I suppose it will go away.

Smells...

Today for some reason, I noticed the smell of my house. Smell is the sense most linked with memory. I need to change the smell of my house. Maybe buy new cleaning products and some air fresheners.

Better?...

Things are slightly better even though the weekends are hard. Mike still hasn't called and still hasn't picked up the rest of his stuff and still hasn't paid me the 2000. he owes me. I am having a feeling that I am not going to see that money. Not that it really matters, it is just the principle of the whole thing.

I went over to SO's last night (I will call him Jake, not his real name). Jake fixed me a dinner of stuffed orange roughy (sp?) with a pasta salad and asperagus. To top it off he fixed a little dessert of raspberries with white and milk chocolate drops that was really good. He is so funny and talented in many ways. I grow to like him more and more. we don't get to see each other a lot because of his work schedule and the time he spends with his girls, but I am OK with that. We at least talk to each other on the phone every night. Things are progressing nicely. Not too fast, and not stagnant.

One week of school down and 34 ish more to go? I got a nice paycheck now that the insurance is covering me only. I should be able to sock away quite a bit in savings.

Things I am saving for:
furniture
new roof
water proofing the basement
Those are the big ticket things. The roof and the basement are going to take priority.

Foofy wants that are on my list:
a jacuzzi. Oh yes indeed. and maybe a three season room someday to house it.

Talk about the weather....

Today was the first day in a long time that the temperature was below 95 (we were at a cool 90 and dry). My grass is crunchy and brown, the leaves of the trees are falling as if it were autumn and my yard is just an absolute wreck. The drought and destruction it has left this summer is a bit symbolic don't you think? Now I worry about the flooding we'll probably have once it does rain. all that water will go straight to the basement I am betting.

The hummingbirds are active and agressive again in their funny little way. The dominant one chases off all the others and if I am sitting too close he hovers around me making a big fuss. As if that is going to solve anything. They are fun to watch.

The weekends are hard. My mind wanders too much. Today i did a few productive things though. I cleaned the garage a little and sprayed some weeds. I need to cut the grass but I am going to wait until next week after we hopefully get some rain.

Last year at this time...

I divide my life into events that are life changing.

The before and afters of:
Nick's death
Marriage to mike
knowing Ric
mom's death
Mike leaving me. though these last two are only 5 months apart, so they can be lumped together.

Health tip of the day...

As learned from the news this morning, it is not how much sleep you get, it is about the time that your head hits the pillow. Apparently 10:30 - 6:30 is the best time to sleep and wake up for mental health as well as physical. Something about the daylight hours and bio-rhythms. I was close to that last night I think. I can't really remember if I fell asleep before the news was finished or if Jay Leno was on. I do know that once I fell, I fell hard and fast. I am tired today though. That will even out.

Things I have learned...

Change really never changes. You only think it does.

people come and go but bonds will always be made in the strangest of places. You are never alone.

You are always stronger than you think you are.

You are always prettier and smarter than you think you are.

You are happier than you let yourself be.

Letting things be is a beautiful thing.

A moment of weakness..

School starts tomorrow and it is a year milestone without mike. I was thinking of how he used to wake up with me and see me off to school and I started to miss him. So, I called him. He immediately began telling me that he had a bunch of boxes and he was getting all of his stuff organized. He also told me he was getting a storage unit and would be picking up the rest of his things in a day or so. He began to close out with OK? I will call you ....I asked if he was busy and he said yes, with trying to organize stuff etc. I told him I really just wanted to call and see how he was doing, and then I told him I miss him. he talked about how yeah, he used to get up with me in the morning and then after a couple of days he would just sleep in. In other words, there was no fond nostalgia on his part. He didn't tell me he missed me or anything reassuring or hopeful. He just told me he was busy getting his act together.

I don't know why I did this other than to confirm what I already knew. He is done with me. I guess I am just still hurt from being thrown out like a piece of trash with no good reason. I am also hurt that I will never know why. Of course I am. But what if he wasn't done with me? I wouldn't have taken him back I don't think. Well, it would take extreme measures on his part anyway and he's never shown that he wants to go to that legnth. I hear judge Judy in my head screaming at me HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE. PUT A PERIOD AND MOVE ON. I miss the man I married. I have to keep telling myself that he doesn't exist anymore.

Today I am feeling like I just can't get through this. My heart hurts, I can't breathe, and I am sick to my stomach. Sure, I guess it doesn't help that I am anxious about school starting tomorrow. God please let things get better and please do not let me become a bitter, angry person.

AAAAACKK!

school starts on Monday. My last free days for a while.

Nothing much happening here. Still have not heard from asshole. I hate not having an end in sight.

A good day and I don't care...

Same old stuff regarding mike. He still has shit he has to pick up and made no call to me yesterday. Probably won't call tonight either, but at this point I am begining not to care. I do have several large garbage cans, much more than one person needs.

Today was a useless day regarding work. More happy happy joy joy stuff that wasted our time when it could have been used to work in our rooms. I have 47 8th graders in one class and 40 in another. It won't stay that way, but I am looking at my roster and thinking OMG, I am going to DIE! Not really. I know things will get worked out and I will do the best with what I have got, but it is going to be an interesting year. I am excited to have the 8th grade the WHOLE year this year instead of only 9 weeks. We'll be able to do some more in depth things, but on the flip side, a lot of my gifted kids aren't in my class.

I am mentally getting really geared up for a good year. I am ready for routine and stability in a chaotic package that is teaching.

So Why was it a good day? I don't know, it just was. Maybe because I had a great night with SO last night. Maybe because I am getting back to that point where I can have feelings for someone else again. Maybe it is because I have special friends and coworkers that I enjoy more and appreciate more. Life is good. Life is beautiful.

Today I...

Have gone a whole day without smoking.

Today i have thought about things I want to do...
With the house
With a special someone
With my life
With my time
With my body and my soul.

Today I feel happy and light.

Today I want to be creative.

Today i have something to prove to the world and to myself.

BTW, I love my new lap top. You were wrong saying I wouldn't. You were wrong about so many things. Most of all you were wrong about me.

First day back..

For teachers anyway. Students come on Monday. I went to my sister's house last night so I had to call mike and let him know that he could come clear the rest of his stuff from the garage or wait. When I got home it was gone.

I just now deleted a bunch of sad pathetic ramblings of how a near empty house feels and how I wish this had never happened. I deleted it because enough is enough. So what. I am living on my own for the first time EVER, and it is going to be just fine. I am a big girl and need to start acting like it.

Another day...

I finally called mike last night to see when he was going to pick up his things and he came over within a couple of hours. I don't know why but I was terrified to call him. I was shaking, and nauseated. I guess I thought he would get pissy with me about asking for the reimbursement of the insurance money. When he was here I went over why I think I was owed that and explained to him that even if the money for some of the things we bought were taken from MY inheritance, I still come up about 14,000 short of what I should have in my savings right now. Divide that in 2 and at the very least, 7,000 went to him. So, he isn't owed anything. That money that he had been paying was already owed to me. Personally, I think I am being very generous in letting him off the hook for anything else. I didn't mind supporting him when we were together because I thought it was going to be OUR future. Life is a gamble.

He is supposed to come over tonight and pick up more stuff. I still can't believe it is actually over. I know it is, but the reality of it is just unbearable at times. It would have been different if we had grown apart, fought, hated each other in any way before he decided to leave but like I keep saying, I never even got a chance to hate him. It just feels so damn unfinished and I am left with so many unanswered questions. I have to accept that I am not going to get the answers that I need or want. All that does is beat myself up wondering what is wrong with me.

I was reading something about coping with divorce and how you have to accept responsibility for your part in the split. I have so little responsibility to claim. I am going to say that i am 15-20% responsible at the very most. Ok, so I lacked confidence in certain areas of my life (got it now though), and so I spent too much time on the computer because I was going through depression for the last couple of years, or I needed to occupy my time when Mike was studying or whatever. That is drastically cut down. So those two things I accept responsibility for. And the computer usage wasn't even my fault alone because Mike was not emotionally available for me. so to those coping experts, FUCK YOU. Ok, that gave me a bit of a chuckle.

2 for today...

I have cleared out the wall book shelf in the office that was formerly Mike's. Instead of being excited I find the whole ordeal surprisingly extremely painful. There are only a few boxes in there that belong to him now and I will try to get those out soon enough. I suppose it would have been more painful to go in there and see it empty after he had finished it than if I took control of the situation and did it myself. All day today I have had to tell myself outloud, it's ok, it's ok, it's ok. It isn't even that the space belonged to mike. It is also Nick's former office, the room he died in and the room that was his shrine until Mike moved in. I have never stepped into that room and claimed it as mine.

Today I DON'T feel like everything is going to be ok. I need to get out of the house and will in a few hours. SO and I are supposed to go out tonight and do something fun. Maybe go dancing.

Cleaning house...

Mike still hasn't called to pick up his stuff. I don't know why. If I were in his shoes and setting up house with someone new i would want this to be over PDQ. Can't he step away from her for a couple of hours? You would think she would want it too. It isn't like he can't find someone with a truck, a friend has already said he would help him and it isnt' like he has huge mountains of furniture to move or anything, just some books and personal items.

I have moved some of his books to the garage. This is the hardest thing I have ever done, even though I know it is over and I need it to be over. I still miss the old Mike and mourn him. I mourn my dreams and hopes I had for us, but I will create new ones for me alone.

Got the copy of the deed. The house is mine, all mine. Officially.

He thinks things are even...

So after I emailed mike about the insurance he emailed me back saying he put all of his checks into our savings acct. and checking acct. when he was working part time as a police officer. Uh yeah, he did because we lived off of my inheritance for a while. Before I got my inheritance, our savings was down to only a couple of thousand. He forgets how much his tuition costs. he forgets that my mom put a roof over our heads. He forgets that he was fed and clothed and he bought things for himself like Ipods, VCR/DVD player, etc. Yes, we bought a TV and a new Microwave, and garage door etc. but I would say that I paid out far more than he did when we have lived together. If we had to go tit for tat about it. All I am asking for is the reimbursement for the time I supported him while he abandoned me. Money that he said he would pay anyway.

Damn right I am coming out ahead financially even if he doesn't pay me back, but that certainly isn't MY fault. That is rightfully mine. He now has the potential to make three times the amount of money I make but if he doesn't stick with it, that isn't my fault either. I invested in his future. None of it really matters. I was feeling used for a short time, but really, I just want this all to be over.

Today is...

Our 10th year anniversary. How strange.

Today i am going out with friends to see the I now Pronounce you Chuck and larry movie. I think that is what it is called.

Today I felt relaxed. Heartrate and BP back down to normal.

Today I emailed Mike to let him know that he owes me approx 2000 dollars. I am not fighting him for it but we'll see if he sees it as a moral obligation and does the right thing. Particularly since I have been a storage unit for all his shit for the last 8 months and he seems to be in no hurry to get it out.

Today is disgustingly hot. I never thought I would say that. I look forward to early fall but dread the nasty cold of winter.

Today my mind is on better things. Better people. Better future.

So, on Monday Mike called me and said he couldn't come by because he was too busy. I made a big show of things by crying, gnashing my teeth and beating my chest etc. but I finally got him to say that he doesn't love me and he doesn't want to be with me. Now it is all on him. Part of me knows that he has been waiting for me to end it but I wasn't going to give him that satisfaction.

So yesterday he came by to give me his insurance card. I was calm and business like when he complained that he didn't know where he was going to put all of his stuff. I told him it wasn't my problem. It wasn't snarky or angry, just matter of fact. I told him I wanted it out as soon as possible because I had plans to make this house a home. I need to move on and feel in control over something in my life.

When he left he turned and said, don't I get a kiss or hug? I very politely said, no, I don't think so. Again, there were no emotions attached to it. I can't believe he had the nerve to ask that though. OMG he really must believe that I am that desperate or that I worship him that much.

Yes, I am sad about the last 8 months. I wish things had turned out differently but maybe it is all for a reason. I have a new life to live and maybe share what I have to offer with someone who will appreciate it. Hopefully soon I will find myself writing about more positive things. Now this is a recording to help me heal, and help me to avoid these kinds of issues in the future.

One positive thing...I will pay 0 for my insurance now. YAY!

More shit

I tried calling him all weekend because he was supposed to get more of his stuff. He never returned any of my calls and had his phone turned off. I did have a legit reason for calling not only because of his stuff here, but also because he needs to give me a copy of his insurance so that I can get him off of MY policy. I also want to fuck with his head. I want him to admit that he does not want to be with me. I want him to admit that he doesn't love me. I want him to admit that he is a fucking liar and coward. I want him to be the ultimate bad guy only because I hate him so bad right now and want him to suffer. Yeah, i am being petty to the exxtreme. I don't even care that he is with her (oh, which he was all weekend). She can have that problem. They're going to be soooooo happy together. *insert evil laugh*.

I will be very happy once all this is over. Yes, I hurt from being jerked around up and down, but the end of it is coming very soon. I have a whole new life to look forward to.

roller coaster....

Wednesday Mike came over and we really talked about deep issues. We discussed our significant others and our relationship and how neither of us wanted to hurt anyone. He says he doesn't love her but I am not so sure. There was talk of working it out again and plan making. He said if we get back together he would have to just jump in and move back in. None of this dating stuff. We talked about his job and he said he wouldn't quit and we began to make plans about how we would live in this house. I began to get hopeful again.


Thursday I texted him and let him know that I was thinking of him. I called him at 9 that night after I had gotten off of work. He didn't answer his phone because he is using his other one.

Friday. I texted him and called again. Then I called his other phone and he answered. He did a complete 180 on me. Went back to saying he didn't know what he wanted. I asked him if I told him to move in this weekend, would he? He said I don't know. Which means no. He was with Gina on Thursday. He says he was trying to break it off with her. I don't trust that he was being completely honest with me. I told him I had plans with SO and I had broken them off for him. I told him that I couldn't take this being jerked around anymore and that he needs to continue to move his stuff out. I don't know what to feel. I don't think I really love him, I am just living in the past and I am afraid of being alone. This is the first time I have ever lived alone for a long period of time. I need to learn how to like it.