I finally called mike last night to see when he was going to pick up his things and he came over within a couple of hours. I don't know why but I was terrified to call him. I was shaking, and nauseated. I guess I thought he would get pissy with me about asking for the reimbursement of the insurance money. When he was here I went over why I think I was owed that and explained to him that even if the money for some of the things we bought were taken from MY inheritance, I still come up about 14,000 short of what I should have in my savings right now. Divide that in 2 and at the very least, 7,000 went to him. So, he isn't owed anything. That money that he had been paying was already owed to me. Personally, I think I am being very generous in letting him off the hook for anything else. I didn't mind supporting him when we were together because I thought it was going to be OUR future. Life is a gamble.
He is supposed to come over tonight and pick up more stuff. I still can't believe it is actually over. I know it is, but the reality of it is just unbearable at times. It would have been different if we had grown apart, fought, hated each other in any way before he decided to leave but like I keep saying, I never even got a chance to hate him. It just feels so damn unfinished and I am left with so many unanswered questions. I have to accept that I am not going to get the answers that I need or want. All that does is beat myself up wondering what is wrong with me.
I was reading something about coping with divorce and how you have to accept responsibility for your part in the split. I have so little responsibility to claim. I am going to say that i am 15-20% responsible at the very most. Ok, so I lacked confidence in certain areas of my life (got it now though), and so I spent too much time on the computer because I was going through depression for the last couple of years, or I needed to occupy my time when Mike was studying or whatever. That is drastically cut down. So those two things I accept responsibility for. And the computer usage wasn't even my fault alone because Mike was not emotionally available for me. so to those coping experts, FUCK YOU. Ok, that gave me a bit of a chuckle.
1 comment:
Oh...honey...I wish I could just reach out and give you a big hug right now. I read most of your posts and I am seething with anger at your ex. I just don't understand people who are afraid to figure out what they want, and it sounds like Mike had no fucking clue. You deserve better, Kiki. I know you're mourning your relationship, but it seems clear to me that Mike either wasn't the guy you thought he was, or he became someone totally different. That's not the way it's supposed to be, and it's not fair.
Bah...I don't know what I'm hoping to accomplish here, but I did want you to know that I'm thinking about you and hoping you find balance and peace soon.
JoAnne (MrsUTL)
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