Winding down...

Tomorrow is the last day for the summer program I am doing at school and it is always the most grueling since I will be there from 7:30 am til 9:00 PM. I am ready for it to be over and at the same time, i am ready for the summer to be over too. It isn't that I am bored, oh no! It is just that I need routine to be productive. The only productive thing I have done this summer is make an appt. to have my basement waterproofed and that is going to happen in the fall. I did not paint or fix up the house in any way. I did not have my yard sale and pretty much gave up on decluttering once the pool opened up and once I started dating someone on a regular basis. I am ready to pull back on the reins there too. He'll either be there or not, but dude, I don't need to be spending every available day with him (but it is soooooooo nice.) Last week after the dinner for the summer program, I went to his house and he gave me a massage. On saturday he came up too the pool with me, then he fixed me dinner and then we went for a ride in the country to watch the deer. I need to start bringing a camera to places. So many photo ops missed.

I am still damn tired. I have an appt. with the doctor to go over my blood work. I will bet my thyroid meds need to be upped.

OMG! OMG! OMG!....

I would love to have a dramatic reading of THIS from one of the profiles that showed up on my match. He's a smrat boy eh? And if you don't know what a dramatic reading is, check out this link.... http://youmakemetouchyourhandsforstupidreasons.ytmnd.com/ Turn up your speakers.

I am currently separated IM shier that's holding some of you back
understandably. I have been separated for 8 month’s and IM tying not to force
the divorce at this time I can go into more detail if you are interested. Really
IV felt alone for a few years now. IM not good at bragging I guess I consider it
arrogant witch buy the way is probably what I dislike most in people. But they
say to a lital so hear it goes. I am honest trust worthy and loyal very down to
earth what you se is what you get I always try to do the right thing even when
it heart’s I was raised on a farm to work hard long hours and never quit. Well I
still work hard seldom quit and not quite so many hours. I am self-employ in the
tool and die company I started I have built a successful business. Built my own
log house Built countless other machines and inventions and wood working
projects to say the least I like working with my hands. I enjoy the feeling of
accomplishment and satisfaction IM pretty mush building something all the time.
I have a wonderful daughter enjoy the time I spend with her. I enjoy travel a
lot of it on a Harley. Also spend most of the summer or at least the weekends At
a near buy lake on a 35 foot cabin cruiser IM kind of a quiet type it takes
awhile get to now me. I want to take more time off work now for fun and travel
IM 5 foot 5 165 lb. IM in beater shape then most I workout 3 – 4 times a week
jogging , tread mill and lifting weights . What I would want in a woman is the
same religious beliefs someone ho is willing to Work for the common goals ,
interests, work ethics, Decisive willing to make disions but not all I would
like a woman how is self-motivated hard working willing to do what it takes in
baseness and relationships. That enjoys travel and that is established enough to
travel. Likes the outdoors She would enjoy motorcycle trips, boating, living
abroad a boat in the summer she need to get along with others well, Some one how
likes organization and planing. She should be affectionate and not afraid to
show it. Some one to shear life and laftier with. No smokers no shop alcoholics
no control freaks no manipulators, no I wont you to day then not the next. I
have been down that road to many times. I would love someone ho would enjoy
helping me with Projects wood working boat maintenance yard work gardening a
woman who can se what needs to be don and dos it. I now it’s a long shot but a
woman that is mechanically minded would be perfect. Good communication is
essential

It is a small world....

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25988549/?GT1=43001

Interesting article.

Words like Us and We...

Those words are so loaded.

It has taken me nearly 15 months to stop saying We, Our, etc. when refering to my lifestyle and MY house. Not only because i shared this house with my ex-husband, but because i also grew up here and have the Our and We of my mom and dad. I suppose I am still safe in saying we and our and us since I share with cats and rat. Still, I get both horrified and enamoured when I hear those words being used by 16. For example, I got a text from him and I texted back saying I was at BBand B. He writes back, oh, buy us something. I quickly responded that i had found a Man Groomer http://www.mangroomer.com/Default.aspx even though he doesn't have a hairy back. I am hearing a lot of We(s) in the future tense as well. We're going to do.....We'll do this in October....blah blah blah. Oh yeah? I try to remain positive and think well yeah! Why can't I be a we or an us or have an our again? I am just as deserving as anyone else and lots of men don't do the rebound thing. I mean look at Mike. He's shacked right up with his first significant other after our split. Though he was the dumper so maybe his ego doesn't need as much repairing as 16's. Mine is pretty much repaired with a few cracks here and there that leak occasionally.

bah...

So I jumped the gun on 16. Everything is all peachy again. Goob.

Number 15 emailed me today. He thinks just because I got back on match that i am available again. I let him know that I am not. I could hear the whining and bitterness in his response. Eh, it probably wasn't really there but for some reason the poor guy began to grate on my nerves really bad. And I feel bad for this still, which makes it all the more unpleasant. Wish he'd just not contact me or maybe I need to step it up on the bitch factor. I envy those women who are not afraid to be a bitch. That word still sits uncomfortable on my tongue and in my mind. Ok, it is 105am and I have to work tomorrow. First day at school for the summer program. I am tired and prolly not making much sense.

and random randingoes...
I love you
I miss you
and I have a cat kneading my ass right now...with claws. OUCH!

Jersey boy..

AKA Traveling dude, called today. I was relieved to hear from him since I felt so bad ditching him. Seems he is ok with an open relationship...but I am not. I don't get how polygamists do it. It is just way too much work and I can only date one person at a time. Well, that and of course you get labeled a slut.

HEY ASSHOLE...

I am going to start an ASSHOLE file. Just cuz.

Hey ASSHOLE!

When you see me waiting to pull into the empty spot next to your SUV, that is NOT the time to start goo gooing to your child in their car seat. Do that shit at home, I am not sitting in my car watchin you all dewey eyed and going aaaaaawwwweeeee. So don't look up at me and smile as if you've just brightened my day with sunshine, rainbows and puppies. Get the FUCK out of my way!

HEY ASSHOLE!

or this could be a HEY DUMBASS post... When you have tinted windows, you probably love them because you can pick your nose in private, scratch your balls, grab your GF's boob etc. Well, please remember that when we're at a stop sign and you decide to be nice and wave the motourist on ahead of you. WE CAN'T SEE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In other related asshole news...Ok, he might not be an asshole, but he's a guy and right now, they're all assholes...

I think number 16 is flaking out. He got into some huge fight with his STBX over the last few days and he is shutting down. I know what this means. It means....

I need to get my head straight
I need to find myself
I need some distance
I need some time

Yadda yadda, yaddah! insert whatever flakey cliche' people say when they start getting all fucked up and dramatic.

And so the criteria list grows. Normally I don't date separated people. They must be divorced already but I let my guard down on this one. Separated people are fucked in the head and you certainly don't want to be their first after divorce. I know this cuz I was there.

I want drama free. No drama with the exes. No drama with the kids. No drama PERIOD. Drama is only good to watch on Judge Judy because it makes you feel better about your life and how you are glad you're really not missing out on anything.

I know I jinxed myself because I told someone (irl) about how great the sex was. But it was damnit. I know I should not think negatively, but I have just seen this happen one too many times. We'll see if 17 will be around the corner. Whatever. I have things I have to do anyway and it doesn't include plans with others. I don't want to have to work at shit. Keep up or go away.

Songs I like...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7Fl2yWalH4 Into the Ocean

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JOpjdrK1GVc Boats and Birds

Anxiety

Summer is feeling like it is over already. I know I still have a month to go really, but the summer program starts next week and then it will only be a matter of a few days until the grind starts again. Overall, this summer has been so much better than last year. On monday, it will be Mike's birthday. It was last year at this time that the shit hit the fan when Gina answered his phone. That day he was supposed to have been with me and we were supposed to have been working on our marriage. I haven't seen him since Dec. 29th when he came to get the last of his things. On the 27th it will be 8 months since our divorce was final and it will be nine months since I stopped smoking. It has been 24 months since mom died and 19 months since Mike left. God I feel like I have aged so much since. Mom's death doesn't seem that long ago but the Mike years seem so far away. YEs, it still hurts but I will say it hurts much less when you have some other guy distraction. Number 16 and I are still seeing each other. We've been together almost every night since our first meeting on the 5th of July. I don't know what will happen, but for now, we seem to enjoy each other enough. The sex is phenominal. That is all I will say on that, but OMG, it is.

In other news, Sunday, my sisters came over and we had brunch at First Watch. Later we went shopping and really had a good time trying on clothes and basically being silly. My sister bought me an adorable shirt that is very flattering, fem, and dressy (for belated birthday). after they left, I went to the pool for about an hour. I love going to this pool because I don't feel like I have to stay there forever to get my money's worth (I don't pay extra for it and I would be at the gym anyway even if there wasn't this great outdoor pool). I was only there for an hour and it started to cloud up so I went home, felt very tired and went to sleep. About 7 PM, the house felt as if it was shaking and I woke up. I went downstairs and wind was going crazy. The sirens went off just as I turned on the TV so I gathered the cats and rat put them downstairs. I went back to the TV to see what appeared tobe funnel clouds and decided to join my pets. It was pretty scary, but about 10 minutes later it pretty much passed. I need to get a kit prepared for downstairs.

Traveling dude...

Traveling dude with all the baby mamas called today. I broke it off with him. Not that there was much to break off since we have only seen each other twice and talked on the phone for a handful of times. I did like him, I really did but distance does not make the heart grow fonder. Not THAT much distance. And so it goes. I feel bad now. I have to remember that post secret post about good byes... I look forward to good byes and starting over...fresh....something like that.

Goodbyes make me sad though. It doesn't matter what kind it is. Good bye to the end of a book, the friendships, visitors that travel far to see you or you to them, lovers, those who have passed on, etc. Goodbyes are a loss. Temporary or permanent.

Ugh. Hormones...

I am sitting here feeling blah and not even being able to figure out if I am happy or not. I am feeling flighty, nervous, jumpy, angry, weepy, etc. This is a reminder to myself that I am not crazy, I am not going crazy, that I go through this every fucking month and WHY CAN'T YOU RECOGNIZE THAT???? Oy. No, I take that back...If when a person questions their sanity, that is a sign that they are indeed, NOT crazy, then I must be temporarily insane every month (some worse than others) when I am in the midst of my whatever you wanna call it and I can't figure out what is wrong with me. I am lucky if I have a moment of clarity (like now) that I can talk myself down from the ledge of insanity, but many times I don't recognize the issue until it is too late. Come to think of it, I wonder if last year when I became insane with Mike, if I was in a "state".

I spent 200 bucks on a water heater today. If I were a guy, I probably would have been able to fix it myself. Yeah, shut up! I am the stereotypical girl when it comes to this kind of stuff. I get thrilled to death when I do anything remotely "manly" such as the yard work or filling my tank up with gas even. Isn't that a hoot considering when I was a kid I never felt fem.

DG..No longer distracted...

So for now, I will call him subject number 16. Still going well even though he is out of town for a week.

I am craving a dirty gin martini with blue cheese stuffed olives...extra dirty. The Bone Fish makes a really good one. OMG. I need to find a friend to drag down there. I am tired. I spent the day at the pool again. The first time there was Thursday. Tomorrow I plan to go again, come back and do some stuff, then go back for weights and aqua-aerobics. Life is fucking GOOD right now...Even if I weren't hot and heavy with subject number 16,.

DG so far so good...

We've seen each other three times since july 5th. Still going well. Really well.

The date 15 called the other day and I really didn't want to talk to him. Thank god I am dog sitting and used that as an excuse to get off the phone. He emailed me yesterday asking if I was having a better day (I was pissed because I keep getting calls for this debt collecting agency and they have the wrong person!!) So, I emailed him back today and let him know that I had met someone. I took a page from Out of state-thought he was my soul mate guy, and told him that correspondence would be awkward and I hoped he understood blah blah blah. See, it is good to get dumped because then you can use the lines that were used on you :D Well, at least I wasn't lying all teh way. 16 is still way too new to say monogamy, but it at least sounds fairly legit.

Gossip...

http://msn.foxsports.com/mlb/story/8316254?MSNHPHCP&GT1=39002

I don't even follow this stuff, but I have heard about this Kabballah shit only in name and it's association with Madonna. I don't even know who this A-Rod person is nor do I really care, but the one sentence of all this trash, that stood out for me was this...

Cynthia has blamed Madonna for getting her husband hooked on the study of the ancient Jewish Zohar scripts, which followers claim have all the answers to the universe.
Kabbalah's 3 million worldwide followers believe that none of people's bad traits are a result of their parents.
Traditionalists, however, have slammed the "religion," arguing it's more of a cult, selling $3 bottles of spiritual water claimed to have miracle healing powers.

So I am sure all these trendiegh people who follow also possess all the answers to the universe. How interesting. How special. How typical egotistical Hollowood.

Distracted guy...

Guess what? He makes date number 16. He called me late on July 4th and we talked. He's really easy to talk to. So last night, just before 10 I was trying to decide if I wanted to wash the stink of the day off of me and go to bed or call up a friend and go to The Pub when i got a text from DG (distracted guy). It read: guess where I am, The pub at the mall. So I called him and asked how long he was going to be there and he said I dunno, why. Well duh, so we can meet. So I told him I would be up in a half hour but warned him I had been working out and working in the yard so that I wouldn't be all that spectacular. So I wiped down with a wet cloth, took an iron to my hair because it had kinked up, threw on some make-up, jeans and a cute little red tee shirt. Not half bad. I got there in 18 minutes walked in and didn't see anyone who might resemble him at the bar. I figured he flaked and left or was in the RR. Out of the corner of my eye i see someone peaking around the table center piece and he kind of waved me over. There was a fairly immediate attraction that was really cool. At least, I am pretty sure he was attracted or he faked it well. We talked really easily, had some wine, drew pictures on napkins (I would have to draw a part then he would add on to it and so on). I thought he was into me because he was really close and kept a lot of physical contact, but I think he's just a really physical person because he put his arm around the server too. So, The Pub was closing and he suggested we go to another place that would be open for about another hour. So we did. It was a lot quieter and we really connected. He dropped me off at my car and I said, so do I get a hug? and he said oh, I want more than that....It was electric. ELECTRIC! So we talked about going to see the Bodies exhibit here soon. Ok, I just deleted all the stuff I wrote about how this will never work. I am going to stay positive and say that I really look forward to seeing him again.

Sickening feeling....

Yeah, so date number 15 I have decided was a real WTF was I thinking kind of thing. Nice guy but there are things that I find completely incompatable. I know he is going to ask me why when I tell him I am not interested. Why do people ask that? Good god, I never want to know why someone isn't interested. I KNOW why. They're not physically attracted to me and that is OKAY!! But don't make someone say it. I don't want to tell someone I am not physically attracted to you. I don't want to hear it either, but it isn't a big deal. He's the type of person who is going to ask. I know he is. I also don't like that he sounds like Mr. Rogers, that he has a dog (and a yippee one) the way he walks (kind of slumped forward) and he has a smoker's laugh/cough. He is also shorter than I am, which I am effing short. OK, that is all nicely said. The truth is much harsher than that, and I feel a little guilty about it. There is a smell too. It isn't like body odour or cologne, but his smell is not comfortable. I don't know how to explain that one, and I know it makes me sound a little freaky, but I am very in-tune to a person's scent and I don't like his.

I hate that I want to be nice and not hurt someone's feelings. It is going to happen though.

Distracted guy called me (the day that I wrote that I didn't hear from him). He left a message on my cell phone which I never remember how to get and it takes me about a half hour to access it. I texted him back twice and he never responded. Today i had an email from him. It was from last night, wondering what I was doing at 11:45. WTF? I would like someone a little more interested in conversing or building a relationship or something other than feeling like a side thing to do when you're bored.

Whoa. guess I am feeling pissy on men eh?

I forgive you.

How many will it take?

I really just need to hang it up. what was I thinking last night? Something about it is better to be alone. Or at least that it far outweighs being involved with someone. What do you have to gain by being in a relationship?

Constant worry about disappointing someone
the pain of breakups
the disappointment of first dates
fighting
inequity in compromise

Oh foo foo on anyone reading this and saying that I am bitter or jaded, or sour graping etc. You're just up on a high time in your relationship.. I will never forget this chick who got really offended at Frank's 30th birthday party. I can't remember what i said but it was something to the effect of relationships aren't based on romance but lots of hard work or something like that. She was really mad and said that isn't true and stomed off. I wasn't even talking to her but she over heard my conversation (this was when i was happily married mind you). Anyway, she was marrying this boyfriend of hers that was there. They were all cuddly and fluffy with each other (gag). FFWD about 2-3 years and they were in the midst of a horribly bitter and nasty divorce. She looked like hell.

I never thought I would get divorced, but it was always in the back of my mind as a reality. I mean I guess I thought it would happen, but I wanted desperately to believe that we would beat the odds. I thought there might come a day but I didn't see it coming at all. No one goes into marriage thinking they will get divorced, but all should plan for it. If there ever is a next time, a pre-nup will most definitely be in order and they will never be able to get a hold of my savings.

Date number 15?

Yeah, date number 15 tonight. We'll call him Ray. he's 52. That seems so old, but good god, it is only 12 years older than I am.

Distracted guy (who I developed a wild fantasy crush on based upon his pictures) never called again. We texted a few times, but he seems a bit flighty. He has a whiny kind of voice anyway which reminds me of one of the John guys I dated. That John reminded me of Conway Twitty and had weird breaks in his speech that made me keep thinking the phone went dead. He was also so incredibly messed up from his divorce. He was such a sweet guy, but just ooogey when it comes to thinking about....well, whatever.

So, distracted guy is not something I am counting on, but if he asks me for a date, I will consider it. He has freakishly large hands in his pictures, which I find strangely alluring? Must have big gloves eh?

If you've been waking up every morning single and unattached, today you will be confronted with issues involving commitment. Indeed, events today could change your whole life, dear Gemini. If nothing else, you know that it's time to make necessary changes, and you are ready to put a plan into action. Sure, it's a bit scary, but you need this balance in your life. More...

Uh, yeah.

Drama and dreams...

I have been staying up late because that is my natural bio-rhythm I believe, but last night as I was about to fall asleep, around 3 am my cell phone went off. It was my friend C. She had a fight with her boyfriend and it seemed things were a real mess. Thinking she was in danger of him coming over there I told her I would come to her house. She was a mess, and he kept calling her and degrading her, calling her a whore and all kinds of shit, telling her it is over, blah blah blah . So, we wind up going to pick up her car and she drives up to his house to "get her stuff" (esp. her asthma medicine). I call her today to find out how things went. Where is she? At his house all made up. Whoo. call me a whore, and you're done. It isn't just this incident. The man she loves is full of drama. Bad ex baby mama and C has a severe rescue complex I am begining to find out. She is completely blind and not thinking straight. she bugs me. I know in the near future it is going to be more of the same...insert eyeroll here. I don't need drama by proxy. Are there no positive intelligent people to surround myself with?

So, in my half sleep state hitting the snooze button until 12:30, I dreamed of mom. She was here visiting but from a time travel type of thing. When she left, I was not going to be able to follow. For some odd reason, she had knitted me some slippers and she was leaving (teleporting) through the refridgerator. When she was leaving I was crying and asking if she would be back soon. Either she wouldn't or couldn't answer. She had on a white robe and head-dress like mother Mary. She wasn't looking at me but she looked pained. She raised her hand slightly and then the door closed. In my dream Roxanne was in the other room. I was loudly sobbing and wailing. Roxanne asked why I was so sad and I told her that my friend had just lost her mother and I didn't want to lose mom. I thought for sure that when I woke I would have tears on my face. In the dream I could feel cool wetness on my cheeks. But my breathing was normal and no tears were there. Part of me didn't want to wake up.

colours...

I may as well face it. I am attracted to bright green. So I bought a few samples of paint and I am having a hell of a time finding the right green. I want a pretty lime green but that can be so garish. The greens i picked out are too yellow though. Perhaps I don't really want green at all. Well, not as a solid. I know that faux painting is so 80s and early 90s, but I can't help it. I like the transparancy of the colours showing through each other. It is a lot of work to do the colour washing and glazing. I am looking at a painting that has yellow greens and blue greens mixed together. There are accents of purple and oranges and lots of swirling floral patterns. Perhaps one wall will have to be artistically tackled the same as my painting style.

Today I bought an MP3 player. Oh I am such a goober when it comes to technology. I didn't realize that I could play my CDs on my computer and transfer them onto the MP3 player. Yeah, I don't know why I didn't realize that. It truely is not rocket science, I know, but give an old gal a break. I figured out how to do this all on my own. Sure it was freaking easy, but I thought it was going to be some kind of huge magical mystery. I am proud of myself regardless. Baby stpes. Baby steps. Anyhoo, I am all downloading my favourite CDs so that I have music to walk to and music to work out to. The only problem is I know I am going to break out in a salsa esque, bustin' a funk move out on the sidewalk of the main thoroughfair. Either that, or I will start belting out some Joni Mitchell. Do you realize how bad that will sound? Noone can hear themselves sing with those things on and they ALWAYS sing out of tune, no matter how well they usually sing (to which I do not).

Nothing earth shattering...

Sean came by today to pick up some kind of tree trimming thing that Mike had borrowed about tw0 years ago. It was awkward. We were talking and he said something about drinking smoking, and partying or whatever. I told him I quit smoking. He was surprised and said not that you probably care, but Mike smokes more than he ever did. I said that was a shame. I asked if he was married yet. Sean said no. I said I was surprised. Anyhoo, I didn't want to have a conversation about Mike. I did tell sean that if he sees him tell him that I think our father's flags were mixed up. If mike doesn't give a shit about it, neither do I. Truth be told, I really don't want to talk to Mike. So if I get no response, or if Sean acts as a mediator, then that would be great.

It stings a little, to run into his friends. They're moving across town so i won't be seeing them ever again anyway.

So, the distracted guy called. He was surprisingly pleasant to talk to and way smarter than his profile let on. He lives only about two miles away, but he is hardly home. What is up with me FINALLY making connections to some people that I like and they're on the road more times than they're home? Le Sigh! Whatever.

Today i found a snake as I went for my walk. I wanted to pick it up but my luck it would have been poisonous and bit me. I am sure it wasn't. It was tiny and didnt' seem agressive. Since he was close to the road, I got a stick and pushed him further towards the grassy area. Then I think he went into a storm drain. :( I hope he is ok down there and will be able to find a way to slither out.

Swimsuits...

I hate them. Not for the reason of being fat (though that plays a small part of it) but because the bastards do not last and the athletic ones are too skimpy. I am not some mommy that sits on the side of the pool watching her little darlings swim. Could you please make a conservative but LASTING swimsuit that flatters those of us who are NOT athletes? Thank you.


Dating: So there was this guy who's made contact with me a few times and I wasn't really interested. Blame it on hormones or something but I became interested and began to respond. He said he'd call me, he never has. He said he's been "distracted". Hmmmm. That does not sound good. It is either one of two things (possibly three)...Serious ex problems (no thank you), He's met someone else and is seeing how that's going to go but he doesn't want to let go of any other possibilities in case that doesn't work out...Ugh. Sorry, I aint your Hollerbackup plan. That shit's bananas. Or he's in legal trouble...ain't touchin' that with a 100 foot pole.

So, another guy that I saw at the end of May called and we went out on Mon. He later came over here and we hung out. He was leaving on Tues to go back to the east coast as he lives both here and there. Yeah, that could either be the most perfect relationship or the worst. He's a smart guy though and that turns me on. I mean come on, doesn't everyone think words like bi-pedal and talks of the anatomy of a virus are sexy? No? Ok, so i am weird like that. Geeks turn me on. And he's not bad looking either. He's 48 but looks much younger. Lot's of red flags though including three children by three different ladies. Seems he likes to make babies but doesn't like to stick around. He isn't a dead beat but really, how much of a father can you be when your children are scattered in two different places? and he wants to have more children and have a "real family". Just what is a real family? Are those children not your 'real family"? I know he loves them. He talks about them a fair deal (not to the point of boredom though). I dunno. In the tween time and when I am bored, he'll do. As I think about a life with someone though, all I really want to do is physically RUN and run fast away from the sitch.

I am starting to run now. It is fun and does wonders for my mind and body. It releases some kind of seretonins or whatever happy shit chemical that is in your body. I see why people get addicted to it.

I am going to look for swim suits now. Then I will go work out, swim, come home and maybe run.

Today's horoscope...

Today's Gemini Horoscope: Jun 23, 2008
Today you won't be able to spend a nice cozy day at home, but you probably were aware of that already, dear Gemini. Today's aspects bring a great deal of change into your life, including more openness to other people. Since you care so much about creating a nurturing home environment, why don't you think about sharing it with other people? Give a little bit of yourself, a little of your fantasy.

Cuz sharing my house with three cats and a rat doesn't count? Ok maybe it doesn't and I have been thinking about being a foster parent, but....Ok, I will at least wait until I get my basement waterproofed. Even though i have a nice sized house with two empty rooms and an empty bathroom, I just don't know about sharing my house with an actual person again. I really like being able to do what I want when i want and how loud I want.

In other news, check out this nasty email I got on match...

I must asume that you feel that you are to good for me or something. Or maybe you are just a rude bitch. Anyway, I am done on this site for losers on the 30th. You have till then to come to your senses or to rott with the scum on this site. I have thought so much more of you than this.TIM


Why yes Tim, I do feel I am too good for you and I really don't care that you think I am a rude bitch for *gasp* ignoring a wink. Oh good heavens! And do you REALLY think that I am going to "come to my senses" and now contact you? Good god. That little email speaks volumes about your character Tim...Insecure, childish, redneck, jerk. I have been ignored plenty of times on dating sites. Newsflash. You're not going to be everyone's cup of tea. Get over it. Grow a thicker skin ya pissy little bitch.

In addition to Babba wawa's philosophy...

It may be scary for you to do anything risky for fear of conflict or failure, dear Gemini. Perhaps you have tried to become invisible in different situations so that you can slip through the cracks without being noticed. These defense mechanisms may serve you for a while, but acting from a basis of fear or guilt will never get you where you need to go in life. For you to achieve what you want, you need to act from a solid foundation of confidence, love, and faith. More...

odds and ends...

I deleted a bunch of emails that I sent and recieved. It really stung but now they don't haunt me. Decluttering the mind, body, and soul.

Richard, you're gone. Wish you well, you ass.

First guy post divorce (John). I know you're around and I can get a hold of you any time. I did let go of all the sweet emails you sent pre your flaking out on me. You're such a turkey but I still like you.

Mike. I still have a few of your e-mails. I don't know why I haven't been able to let go of them yet. I don't even know you anymore and I don't think I would really like you much anyway. That is such a weird feeling considering you were my family for 10 years. Oh well. I still have your dad's flag. You've never gotten back to me about the flag switch. I really don't care. It is just a symbol. I will keep the flag I have, well and in good shape. It will remind me of Nick, and whatever becomes of the one you took (Nick's) I suppose it doesn't matter. It is all from the same cloth, so to speak. Oh, I dreamed of you last night. You wanted to say you were sorry and that you wanted to be friends. You had your hair cut in this ultra trendy style that was far too young for you. You looked desperate to be holding on to some kind of youthful persona but your eyes looked tired and haggard. You looked sad and lonely. I didn't feel bad for you but I also didn't feel joy in my dream either. I wouldn't want to be your friend. You don't know what that means. I do hope you're happy but I would really like for you to stay out of my head.

Barbara Walters...No, I didn't get email from her, I am switching gears. I saw her on Ellen today. I don't normally listen to her glurge but Ellen asked if there was anything she could have changed from her "tumultuous" life (my words not hers, but that is the sentiment that Babs book is portraying...Oh please!)...what would it be? Such a profound answer in it's simplicity, Babs answered that she would have tried to be happier or something like that. Basically saying she would have taken the time to be happy, to MAKE happiness, to LIVE a happier life. That is what I am going to do. I am not going to be passive about it.

Another weird dream...

I was in a car and the weather was bad. A tornado came across my car and lifted me up, still in my car and crouching down. I didn't get lifted too far or high and landed unscathed. Somehow I managed to find myself at Christie's home but for some reason she was being an unbelieveable bitch and not letting me in or use her phone. I looked up into the sky which now had puffy cumulous cloud and blue sky but there were people in their cars sitting on top of the clouds. Some of them were getting out and I knew it would just be a matter of time before they fell through. How were they going to get down? Uh, never mind that I could actually SEE them as if they were only 30-40 feet away.

What is up with the weird dreams I wonder? I hardly ever dream and now it seems I dream fairly regularly. I suppose I will dream of dinosaurs or zombies tonight eh? Or will it be the stress dreams of missing that history class until finals week or losing my teeth...or the waitressing dream. Or maybe I will dream of my mom. I think I've jinxed myself now. I will probably combine all of them. Wouldn't that be a little odd.

Online dating dont's

Men! Pay attention! When you are submitting a profile for on-line dating, here are a few things to remember:

Group photos:

Don't make me guess which one is you. I might be really disappointed thinking I am meeting the hot friend and it turns out to be you.


Photos of scenery:

WTF cares? I don't want to see pictures of : flowers, trees, the places you've visted, your car (WTF?), your harley etc. If you want to include a picture of your home, that might be acceptable so I know that you don't live in a van down by the river. But really, I am not impressed if your house is a typical Milk Carton Valley home or if it is a restored one of a kind Victorian, or if it is a freaking mansion. If you take photos in your home though, I will be checking out the background to see if you have at least a modicum of style. If I see precious moments, teddy bear borders, a singing fish, or the damn bird clock, you lose serious points...Unless, you have it juxtaposed in a way that is fashionably kitsche. That takes a lot of creativity and a good sense of humour to pull off so you get bonus points for that.

Kids and pets:

Yes, they show a sensitive side. However, too many pics of your pet and only one or two of you are not acceptable. I am not looking for companionship with your animal, I have four of my own who suck the life out of me already. Kids...If they're yours, I wanna see them. Why? because if I ever do decide to procreate (highly unlikely) I wanna make sure you have some good looking offspring. Otherwise, ugly babies are likely to be left on a cliff to survive the elements ala spartans. Even if I don't decide to have kids, I don't want to be embarrassed by your uglies. Please make sure they are clean, well groomed, and given a little extra care if they are in that awkward stage. I am not cleaning up that mess. :) If they are NOT your kids, I don't want to see them. It seems a little over kill when you don't have children to be hamming it up with the token child here and there to prove you're daddy material. I don't give a fuck.

Body types:

Don't state that you are looking for someone who is athletic and slender and then wink at me. It clearly states on my profile that I have a few extra pounds. Depending upon how shallow you are, a few extra pounds could be a size 8 to you or a size 18. I fall in between. Either way, if you haven't stated that a little chunk is ok with you, I would constantly be thinking...Do I look fat in this? Is he noticing my roll? Should I really order desert? I won't be contacting you if I don't see that chunky girls are ok in your book.

On your own body type...Be sure you have something to offer if you are going to suggest that chunky girls are not attractive to you. That double chin of yours and lack of a neck suggests that you may want to change your own profile from athletic to a few extra pounds. And I am ok with baldness, a few extra pounds, etc. Just be honest about your body type or double check with a friend about your self perceptions.

Grammar:

I am not perfect but I do expect some kind of punctuation knowledge. Don't type in all caps (why are you yelling at me already?) Spell check...it is a good thing. Periods, spaces, commas, all necessary. Complete sentences are structurally necessary too, though sometimes you can get away without them to make a point. Only one per paragraph or so. Speak with proper grammar.. Hey baby I seen you lookin at me is not good. Too much wrong with that sentence to go into.

Education:

I have a graduate degree. I don't care if it makes me snobby, I don't care how much money you make. I clearly stated that I want someone who is educated and preferably has, at least, a bachelor's degree. If you have a shitty, incoherent profile, make 35k or less, and a highschool education, don't bother. You have nothing to offer me. OTOH, if you have a wonderful, creative profile, make a decent living and are driven, open minded, culturally aware but only a high school ed, I might consider you. Sometimes life experience counts just as much as an education and sometimes even more.

Cliches:

Avoid them. Glass half full, etc. Some cliches are just part of life. It is ok to say you're a happy person. It is ok to use phrases such as I want someone who knows what they want and who they are.....HOWEVER, only if you have the character to back that up. You had better know what you want and you had better know who you are to an extent. I realise that no one can be 100% on that and if you are, you're not evolving and stagnant is bad, always. Don't tell me you're honest to a fault. Everyone lies. You do too, so there goes that bragging point. Humble thyself.

Oh, pictures again:

A variety of dress would be good. I don't want to see pic after pic of your rippling muscles in shirtless poses (though I might come back to visit your profile just for the eye candy). Casual tees and wifebeaters...also not accpetable in every. single. picutre! Please have a variety. I want to know that you have a suit for nice evenings out. I want to know that you are not so stuffy that you don't have a pair of jeans or shorts. And ok, the occasional chest shot is good.

Hope this was helpful.

Dream...

This morning I woke up with that really heavy pounding in my chest and kind of gasping for air. I had a very strange dream. I dreamed that Mike and Gina were moving into my house. On the plus side, she was not attractive at all (but she was really nice). What bothered me most about this dream was not that they were happily together, but that Mike decided to put in new kitchen cabinets.. They were horrendous!! They were dark brown wood with very heavy wood grain kind of like this http://www.jgmfaux.com/HonduranMahogany.jpg only bad. It wasn't a warm colour but more a dark dull brown on the greenish side, if that makes sense. The cabinets were useless. There was this really small narrow drawer space that looked more like a keyhole than a drawer and it was set into a very large cabinet. They didn't fit the space well and they clashed even more horribly with the already awful yellow countertops.

In my dream I was holding a very large knife and Mike was fearful I was going to do something with it. I don't know why I was holding it but I remember being insulted that he thought I would care enough to be violent. I told him the house was mine and he needed to get rid of the cabinets and bring back the old ones. He was at a loss and pissed because he thought he had done such a wonderful job. Plus I guess because he knew he would owe me money. Oh, I never have gotten the 2,000 dollars he told me he would pay. I never will. That is ok. Goes more to prove his character than anything else and helps me to realize he wasn't anything near the man I thought he was. Anyhoo, I pretty much woke up then.

If I am going to analyze why I dreamed this, I would have to chalk it up to boredom and my demon I was fighting yesterday. He was on my mind for no apparent reason other than, I guess, I wasn't living up to my own potential and occupying my own time. I also curse him because of the damn lava rocks and I am thinking I really need to get rid of them around the house because when it gets to waterproofing, those are all going to have to be dug out and I DON'T want them getting burried in the back fill. And I think about all the shit he tried to improve here but really fucked up even more (like the basement perimiter when he tried to do his own water proofing). After 10 years of marriage, I got a great deck, I got to meet my father, and I got through school with his help. What did he get? Freedom to experiment with career options (or lack there of) free room and board for a while, trips to San D and a luxurious lifestyle when we visited my dad, a loving wife who always put his needs first and cared about his happiness, health insurance. And money. Lots of money that didn't belong to him.

I am better off now than he ever will be in all ways. Mostly because I have character. He doesn't.

Number 13 on the 13th..

I have a date tomorrow with guy number 13 and it will be Friday the 13th. Hmmmm. Anyway, he is a *what the hell* type of date. Totally not my type (whatever that is). Odd but intriguing enough to check it out. Like I said, What the hell? It is summer time, what else is there to do?

The demon that i am fighting today

The urge to Google in all ways evil. You know what I mean... It is a kind of spying on your ex SOs. It only leads to unhappiness, as irrational as that is. So I will kick myself in the ass and make myself clean and declutter.

I want to live as simply as a Monk. Let no worldly possessions tie me down...well, except for the multi coloured packs of sharpie markers. And glittery, shiny stuff. And then there are the damn cats and the rat. Ok, but all that stuff is worth it, not that I consider my living four-legged companions stuff.

Financially I am great. I just got paid for the summer and worked out a budget. I got the ball rolling to waterproof the basement. It is going tobe about 13K. I look at it as a car payment except that it doesn't depreciate. I really need to get out of this fear of spending money. Sure it is good to save, but come on! Balance chick...BALANCE! Do what needs to be done without feeling guilty and have nice things that you want without feeling guilty.

Today is...again...

Today is:
A rainy day
a calm day
A quiet day
A Clean day
A sore day
A sweet day
A nostalgic day
A vacation day
A work at home day
A healthy day

School is out. I have two days of fluff stuff to do and then it is summer break officially. we have had thunderstorms with lightning and tornado watches. Lots of rain. I think back to last summer and the draught. How horrible it was. I have learned to love the rain. Everything is green. Now I have to get my basement waterproofed though to fully appreciate it.

Life is good. I am still on a high. I don't know why... there are no romances in the air, I am still alone, but all is beautiful.

Peace...

Today i feel peaceful and serene. I volunteered at the Summer Art Fair yesterday with my sister. She had to leave early, but I walked around and bought a few pieces of art that make me happy. It was a good day to be somewhere alone and do something I have never done before, on my own. I was proud of myself for not needing someone to be there with me and I really had a great time.

I am happier today and in the past few weeks than I have been in years. And this time it is not by the actions of others...it is a different kind of happiness. I love my life.

Life is good...

Today I am grateful :
To be me
To have conquered the lawn equipment
To be loved
To be able to love
To be a part of this world
To be healthy
To be employed at a job I love
To be beautiful
To be soulful
To be happy
To be
To be
To be!

I like this quote...

with every goodbye i feel relieved. my life begins again. i learned to love goodbyes.

It was in response to a post card that said You learn...With every good bye, you learn.

The secret...

It is a book I am reading that was recommended to me by a student. It is based on the law of attraction... positive attitude gets positive results. I feel good when I read the book. I got it from the library but I am thinking of buying a copy. It is one of those things you have to practice and I need a guide for now so that I can get into the habit. You see? I am already thinking positive. I did not complain that it was hard. I did not say that I am trying to keep from being jaded. I am going into it with an open mind.

I want to remove negative words from my vocabulary.

Instead of saying I am trying, I want to say I am practicing or I am getting better at...

Instead of saying no, I can at least start saying maybe.

When I don't want to do something that I know is good for me, I will talk myself into the results that I will see once I do the act that is beneficial. An example of that would be when I don't feel like going swimming. I ALWAYS feel better once I have done it. There is no drug that can substitute the feeling of excercise.


My basement flooded again. Tomorrow I will spend the day cleaning and disinfecting. My plan is to call a professional and have it waterproofed. It isn't a luxory, it is a necessity if I ever choose to move. In the mean time, I don't plan on moving so it would be nice to finally have that as usable space. It is a win win situation and worth the money.

Of men and lawn...

I had another date on Saturday. I dreaded going but it was actually a pleasant time. He is local, Italian, short with nice teeth and a warm smile. Not photogenic at all but cute in person. If I had to say his one shortfall would be that he is a bit on the racist side. Doesn't approve of interacial dating, but it is ignorance more than anything. From what he says, his daughter doesn't see his way at all.

I cut the grass today and weeded around the front where the bushes are and the great bare spot that used to house the old scraggly bushes. I cursed Mike again for deciding that lava rocks would be a good thing to put there. Yeah, because my fucking yard isn't rocky enough. How do I dispose of them? do I just put some in bags to dispose of every garbage day? Maybe. I dunno. It seems like such a waste of plastic and environmentally unsound. Do I get a big garbage can and wash them off and try to sell them for the yard sale? Ugh. They're everywhere. Not only that, but I have noticed the ones that are on the hill are contained by those "concrete" stones that Mike made and he inspector gadgeted them right to hell with Big fucking nails sticking into them. That's an accident waiting to happen and will probably happen on MY foot. It is going to be a job, but I WILL get that yard looking good. If I have to hire someone, then I will, but after that initial work is done, then I should be good to go. I know I am going to need a tree trimmer. I have a lot of trees that are probably going to need to come down. I just have no idea how much this stuff is going to all cost.

lesson today....

Today's Gemini Horoscope: May 03, 2008
Key into your sensual, beautifying nature, dear Gemini. Take time each day to attend to your soul and make sure it is getting the nourishment it needs to radiate boldly out onto the world. Unexpected people are likely to pop up out of nowhere, so don't be surprised if a former lover comes knocking on your door. Things from the past may be coming back to the present reality in order to teach you a valuable lesson about life.

mind clutter?

I wonder sometimes, should I keep this journal, along with all the other journals I have kept throughout the years? Sure, they are filled with sweet thoughts of love, hopes, and dreams that have come true, and those who have yet to be realised. Then there are the entries of pain and anger. Some are incredibly bitter. Do I want to hold on to that person? Should she be kept there for rememberance sake? as a reminder of what I am capable of so I am not suprised that I can be that vicious or so that I can see that I have come so far? I am not ready to part with them yet.

To switch gears, I ran into a friend of Mike's today. Of course I am looking like hell with no make up on, bloated and fat as hell. This guy, K, hadn't seen Mike except once in 2 years he said. We talked a little about how Mike just up and left with so little warning. He told me Mike had done the same to his sister and that was pretty much what Mike was all about. I am better off, I know. I wonder what my life would have been like had I not met Mike. I think it has actually been ok. There are a lot of opportunities that I have had because of him when I really think about it so all was not wasted.

My allergies are in high gear right now. Seems early, but maybe they will be gone early too? I hope. I bought an extention cord for the hedge trimmer today and I trimmed up the bushes around the house. They're pretty goofy looking. I finally figured out how to get the weed eater started and then the string was done. Now I can't get the knob off to change out the string, nor could my neighbour. I will take it to the Home Depot and see if they can fix it for me. I would like to get an electric one because of enviornmental concerns and cost. They're also lighter weight and I don't want all that gas stored in my garage.

Only three more days of state testing and then it will be all down hill at school. I will be working the summer fair the last weekend in may/1st of june! I am excited about that.

No Truer words...

Today's Gemini Horoscope: Apr 20, 2008
If you analyze your life, you will see that it has completely changed over the past twelve months, dear Gemini. You have matured as an individual, and your actions have only been beneficial to yourself and those around you. Try to make changes as often as you can. You can't stop now! You need to feel that your life is evolving all the time. There is no time to rest! More...

another good bye...

I think it is.
There's been no contact or return of text messages or emails or phone calls. No effort in this early stage so I believe it is done. He lost that lovin' feelin' whoa that lovin' feelin'. It makes me sad. It also takes off pressure of the distance and figuring out how that was going to work. It could have worked if we wanted it bad enough. The thing is, now I am afraid I am going to lose all the wonderful inpiration I got from knowing him. Maybe I really didn't fall for him. Maybe I fell for his style. I dunno. He was like I would like to be. Now that I am rejected though I have my doubts about whether or not I am supposed to fit that life. Why do I need someone else to change? I am not a chameleon. I am myself. I need to learn to be myself.

Today is...

an anxious day
a mild day
a venting day
a wild day
a boring workout day
a sore day
a tired day
a nostalgic bittersweet day

Today's Gemini Horoscope: Mar 30, 2008
Things should go especially well for you today, dear Gemini, so don't worry about a thing. Life doesn't necessarily get easier as you get older; you just learn to deal with things better. You will find this to be true right now, as your incredible sensitivity and wisdom is making it possible for you to attain a greater perspective, and realize that things are much better than you may have first thought. More...

I just got back from a wonderful weekend with a very special person. 150 miles away. I hope this horoscope is in reference to how to cope with distance and that things are maybe going to get better in that department. He's the best thing that has come about in a long time so is 150 miles really that much of an issue?

What I have learned...

With thoughts of running off to another state to be with the one who was meant for me, I have learned that I need to let go of a lot of stuff. I am too attached to my things and that is a terrifying thought that someday I would have to let go of them. Weird because so very few of these things actually belong to me. My computer, my original bedroom set, my mattress, my artwork, my flatwear, dishes, and a few house hold items are all that I really *OWN*. The rest is hand me down stuff, stuff that mike and I bought together (that I really didn't want anyway), stuff that was bought after we married.

I am having serious doubts that things would work out with this man living in another state. I think there has been much harm in expressing our doubts to each other that we've killed any blossoming future. Aborted it before it could even get to the quickening stage. What I have learned though, is that the future is so very uncertain. I learned that in the most devastating way the last year and a half, however, I now realise that in the most potentially positive ways, the future can also change. It might not happen this time around, but who knows what lies ahead? The more stuff you have tying you down though, the less opportunity you have to move forward. I have to learn to be free of stuff. Free of the past, free of anxiety. I need to put it in action.

I don't have time...

I don't have time for doubt
I don't have time for pain
I don't have time for crying
I don't have time for love.

More pictures of colours and light.

Colours and fleeting light

So the paint job is circa late 80s to early 90s.
You know, the sponge paint fad that was often done very badly. My mom
did this peach colour sponge first. I guess it was 1988. The living
room was done in bright peach too. She later went over the peach with teals
and sea green and the living room was painted a deep rich peacocck green.
I remember spending hours in that dark green room feeling so depressed and
sad. So I painted everything white. I did keep the sponge painted
dining room though. It was done well and it reminded me of New
Orleans. Today there was a moment of sunshine that shone through. It
was beautiful and I know I have seen this in many forms before, some more
beautiful than this. I always think this is the last time I will ever see
such beauty of light. Just like I always look for rainbows after a
storm or in the spring time, I try to soak in as much of the bright spring green
grass and leaves after a storm that my eyes will take. I know that
there will be more beautiful things to see. Some will take my breath away
and some will never compare to what I have in the past seen. I look forward to
it all nonetheless.

SQUEEEEEEEEEEE! I did it!! Two things, captured my cat with her tongue sticking out (god I love when they do that) AND figured out how to use my camera and upload all by myself. Ok, shuddup anyone who might be reading this and thinking what's the big deal. I am not techno gifted, so the baby steps are huge for me.

Your Lovescope - Today, March 1, 2008
Your social life could really blossom with the alignment of the planets today, which will present chances you could not have imagined coming to you could suddenly be discovered right on your doorstep. Don't pass an opportunity by just because it doesn't appear the way you think it should. Love comes in many surprising packages and cannot be determined by looks alone. Allow the bizarre and unusual to move you.

Today's Gemini Horoscope: Mar 01, 2008
Today you might find yourself hosting an impromptu social event, dear Gemini, and more people could show up than you'd initially counted on. Don't worry about it, however. The party should be enjoyable for everyone even if the place is a bit crowded, and your visitors are apt to look out for themselves. Among the unexpected guests might be an attractive, interesting person who might shape up to be a potential love partner. Relax and enjoy your day.

sigh. But tomorrow is the day that I meet my (at least on the phone) soul mate for the first time.

I got a new camera yesterday. I am stoked. I have to figure out how to upload the pics on the puter.

Today's Gemini Horoscope: Feb 22, 2008
Take advantage of the lighthearted, flighty feeling of the day, instead of getting annoyed by it, dear Gemini. You can't stay hiding in your bedroom forever. Well, you could, but basically you will end up rotting away and no one would even notice. This is a good day for you to get out and have fun with friends. Make life-wishes for people instead of cursing them. Make connections, and remember to laugh a great deal.

Well, I can't get out today because the weather is really bad, but at least the bolded is being done. I no longer feel the need to curse him or at least I feel less of a need.

I am trying to clean out my old office. I still don't know what to do with it. Make it a craft room? Make it another guest room? I don't know. If I become a foster parent, maybe then I will have more direction for it. I suppose right now it is ok just to make it a clean craft storage room. I want to clean a lot of stuff out so I don't have to have storage. I am doing well at that, but this summer, I really would like to have a yard sale. Some of this stuff I just really hate to throw out. I am also going to try and get rid of my kitchen table set...I hate it, and maybe the furniture. I need to get to budgeting again. I did really well, but then I feel like I have been spending on non-essentials too much. One thing I really do want though is a new digital camera.

Sigh...

I have strep. I have had a sore throat since last Tuesday night. It had seemed to get better and I had the school nurse look at it yesterday and she seemed unconcerned. I began to run a slight fever again yesterday and it felt like I swallowed a cactus. So, I went to the urgent care clinic and was officially diagnosed with my first case of strep ever. Luckily it is mild and i only need a light antibiotic. I have been in and out of feverishness throughout the day. We also had a snow day so that was a lucky break even though I am so finished with the snow, feeling bad, etc.

To top it all off, the guy that I had talked to on the phone Friday, informed me that he thinks he met his match on Saturday and he was interested in persuing this. I don't know if I had written about him or not, but he winked at me in early dec. on match. I wasn't sure if I was interested so I ignored. Come around January I had been on a couple of dates so I emailed him a Happy new Year email. Nothing really came of it. In Early Feb or Late jan. I emailed him again and asked how the dating thing was going for him.. We joked about how we'd both had many first dates but nothing seemed to be sticking. We tried to set a few things up but he got sick or the timing was off. So he called Friday and was very easy to talk to. Of course I was ill then so no plans could be made to do anything and I knew he had this date on Sat. anyway.

I don't know why, but I cried when I got his email of rejection. He is only recently separated/divorced, as in less than a year, and seems very eager to get into a relationship,. That should send warning signs. Oh, and this is going to be really really shallow, but he had a "bird clock" hanging on his wall, and a few kind of cutesie knick knacks around. Kind of that Walmart country decor.

Yes, I want someone. I want to have that sense of belonging again and feel romantic and loved, and secure. But am I thinking of settling? Are my expectations too high?

Now, david...The semi long distance contact...I wonder if there is anything there besides the physical. Hell, I haven't even seen him in person yet but physically, sexually, it is ON! There is hardly any conversation on the phone though. I am thinking he might just be in it for the sex. Completely not what I want.

another lonely and depressing day.

A change is what I needed. I got my hair cut last night, coloured it a burgandy colour (it's temporary until I can get my niece to colour it), I dressed up and went out. Only for a short period of time. My throat has been hurting so I did not see my internet buddy this weekend. We did "talk" over IM and webcam.

Today I got an email from an old friend, George. I was in love with him when I was a mere 19 years old and he 29. I had googled him and wrote to him. I don't know why. I know he called me a few years back. Mike had answered the phone and didn't take a message. George said in his email that he didn't want to cause problems so he never called back. He married in 2000. He sent a picture of his family. Very lovely and somewhat depressing. Not because I still love him...But maybe because I am simply alone and everyone seems to have someone. I still occasionally feel that pang that I missed out on having kids. I have no idea why I feel that way. My tubes tied themselves several times today while walking through the mall. It is just about that feeling I guess. That sense of belonging. the sense of family that I don't have. Maybe it is that I want to BE a kid again. I dunno. Yeah. I am having a lonely day today.

Happy Valentines day....

Update: I have had another first date (last Sunday) It wasn't a hit.

I got a piece of mail for Mike Dated Feb 5th, and I opened it thinking it was junk. It was from his retirement account and it was addressed to the both of us so it really doessn't count as snooping. Most times I just throw them away but this time I decided to open it (there were two). Both were to confirm address changes from my address here (one just had his name on it so I assume he told them that I needed to be taken off). Instead of listing the address he has with Gina in her new condo though, it lists a NEW address in another county. Hmmmm. I wonder if he has moved away from her or if they bought a house together. Funny, he always said he would never buy a house in this address area because of the traffic. I know there was a guy he worked with (in that county) who wanted Mike to rent his home while he lived in Fla. but when I did a reverse search on the addy, it doesn't even come up. I dunno. I can't imagine Gina moving from another state to here just to have to sell again. Plus, their condo had three bedrooms so it isn't like it was tiny in case they're expecting (which wouldn't surprise me). So he has moved three times in a year.

When I got the letter, I was crushed. It was yet another sign of my life seemingly being out of control. I didn't know what this man was doing after 10 years of having that right to know. Does that make sense? I cried all day...again. I don't know why it upset me so much. It didn't even occur to me that it could mean they aren;t together anymore. It was last Sunday after my who knows how many first date failures, that I was driving home and an overwhelming sense of peace and forgiveness toward him came over me. I don't know how to explain it. Usually after a date flop I get all emotional again, longing for that companionship and security that I thought I once had. This time I didn't. When I realized that he may have broken up with her, I didn't have that smug satisfaction. I felt kind of bad and sorry for him. I was almost tempted to call him and let him know that he was forgiven. I didn't. Maybe partly because I didn't want it to be seen as a weakness in that I was desperate to have him back. Maybe because I didn't think he really deserved to know. It was a quiet forgiveness for me. I have the address. I haven't had the urge to drive by and check things out. I only drove by the gina house once when I found out. Maybe I am getting better.

I am writing a guy who about an hour away. We do IM with the web cam. He's into art and makes a living as an artist. He is very cute by my standards...Actually my dream guy physically. We're supposed to meet this weekend though i don't think I can make it. We've had two snow days and I took a day off work because I was ill. There is a lot of catching up to do but then again, i just forgot we have a three day weekend. Maybe I CAN afterall.

I renewed my gym membership for a whole year this time. I can't believe six months has already nearly come to pass. We only have about 13 weeks of school left. Wow!. I have cabin fever and a little bit of Spring fever right now. Overall, life is good.

Separation anxiety...

So it is finally manifesting in my dreams. In the last two months I have dreamed about my mother. Two right before christmas and one last night. In the first dream it was a revisitation of her announcing she was sick. For some reason she was moving back with me and I had to prepare for that. I remember in my dream thinking OMG, I have to go through all of this losing her again and all the pain. I must have been in that half awake half asleep state because I was conscious enough to realize she was dead already but out of it enough to still be real.

The second dream I had involved her moving away and not leaving a forwarding address. Again, I felt so alone, empty and incredibly sad. For some reason half way through the dream it became Roxanne (my sister) that left. In some ways that was even worse.

Last night was interesting. Mom and Nick were both alive and moving out of the house because they had bought a really nice house close by. I was packing my stuff....It was a bunch of looose and small things that I was stuffing into various containers that didn't have lids, or the bags were too flimsy to hold it. I remember being at risk of all of the things I packed being spilled onto the floor and scattering all over. Midway through my packing ordeal I realized I had bought this house and that i was happy to live here. I did not want to go with them and was relieved. There was still a part of me that was sad to see them go but the overall feeling of the dream was one of peace.

I remember having dreams of Nick after he died. There was one where he was going away for good. I don't remember dreaming of him again after that. I don't want my mom to go away. I don't feel her here though. I haven't since shortly after her death. Maybe this is her way of telling me that she is still here. I don't know. Maybe she is telling me that I will be ok, suck it up and deal with life.

from post secret today...

an old photograph of two newly married people. On it the words read

Today I realized I could no longer remember what you were like when you still loved me.

How lucky that person is to not remember. I wish there was a medical procedure that could erase so much of my memories right now.

horoscope for january 14, 2008

Try to come to a place of serenity today, dear Gemini, in which you free yourself from desire and jealousy. It is important that you take time to recognize the incredible growth that can spring forth from this position of calm and pure satisfaction. Rid yourself of excess baggage that you cling to as some sort of support or means of comfort. The less you carry, the more you free up your arms to create.

And this is exactly what I realized yesterday when I did a reverse search and found Gina's last name. Why? Why did I do it? I kind of remember what she looks like from the time I met her at Frank and Kari's. If it is the one I am thinking of. And if it IS, she wasn't all that. Still, there is a part of me that is wondering what does she have that I don't have? THAT is the baggage that I need to rid myself of. I know what she has now and I realise that I am better off without it.

I also freed myself from the dating service. I feel as though I am hooked to it and waiting for something to happen. I am seeing a great guy. He is stable, kind, FUN, caring, great kisser, positive, has a close relationship with his family and values that, and just about perfect. Just about. Why not let things develop? Why keep waiting for perfection or something to happen? It isn't. everyone knows that.

my wishes today

Today I wish

1. To experience beauty.
2. To know what it is like to love again.
3. To know what it is like to not fear again.
4. To know what it is like to trust again.
5. To have a fleece shirt that feels that brand new softness everytime you put it on instead of that clumping texture it gets.
6. For continued inspiration in productivity in my personal life.
7. For the health and well being of those that I love.

Today's Gemini Horoscope for Jan 10, 2008
In all your time spent trying to stabilize your emotions and achieve sensitivity, you may be getting too caught up in your feelings, dear Gemini. Because of this you may have not been listening to your rational mind at all lately, even though it is crying out for you to get on with things and move forward into a different situation than the one you are in now. Take some time to listen to your mind and take it a bit more seriously than you have been. More...

Goals I have achieved this year...

1. I have lived on my own for a full year now.
2. Painted my office (which will now be turned into a bdroom)
3. Painted the hall bathroom
4. Got a new roof
5. bought my house
6. got a divorce and survived.
7. hair removal.
8. joined a gym
9. made new friends and connections
10. conquered fear of going places and doing things by myself.
11. tried sushi and other exotic foods.
12. Oh and I forgot, got my masters degree and subsequent pay raise!!

all in all, I think it has been a very succsessful year.

Today's Gemini Horoscope for Dec 26, 2007
The artistic side of you likes to mingle with people who are just left of normal. You call them eccentric, other people call them crazy! From your point of view, dear Gemini, the crazier the better! You feel that such people add interest to the lives of everyone they come in contact with. Today, take a good long look in the mirror. You may be surprised to see that you are just such a person. Your energy and creativity add sparkle to the lives of others. More

To think...

I could have done this. I would have run away with the circus if I had known of this when I was 15 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FhHixicVS4k&feature=related

Oh sigh...

In summer it was so warm.
In summer it was so tragic.
In summer it was so beautiful.
In summer it was so quiet.
In summer it was all so endless. All of it.

Today's Gemini Horoscope for December 10, 2007
Most people form their opinions on the basis of what they're told by a few people supposedly "in the know." Certain ideas become fashionable, dear Gemini, even among intellectuals. Today, you have no patience for these sorts of tendencies. In fact, you are tempted to use vulgar language just to shock the pseudo-intellectuals out of their complacency. Alas, they're unshockable. They will simply sniff at you, raise an eyebrow, and turn away. Rent a cartoon video; that will make you feel better. More...

Tee hee. That sounds so much like me...though I am not just tempted to use the vulgar language, I DO use it. Sometimes I get the sniff, sometimes I don't.

Just cause it's fun...

Today's Gemini Horoscope for December 09, 2007
Today, dear Gemini, you might be offered the chance to take off on a trip around the world to visit fabulous palaces and experience a timeless love that is eternal, and all - get this - totally free! This could be called a sensitivity test to the universe of Walt Disney. Goodness knows that you aren't a total stranger to it! But by now, you've learned from hard experience that fantasyland is for Mickey Mouse.


Sigh. But I am so tired of reality and being practical all. the. time.

Today's horoscope...

Rising Sign Scope - December 8, 2007A new romantic relationship could come your way, or an existing relationship could get a breath of fresh air and seem like a new one. This shows promise of developing into a powerful and passionate bond. The Moon's energy implies that all relationships formed today, whether romantic, business, or otherwise, are probably going to be lasting ones, and they'll probably make a big difference to your own personal growth.

Well now, we'll see about that. I have yet another date tonight. A local guy. Good grammar, articulate but seems a bit awkward on the phone (so am I). Hard to see his pictures on match, so I really don't know if he is attractive or not.

I hope he is attractive.
I hope he has good table manners.
I hope he is kind to other people.
I hope he is not a religious freak, though I do know from his profile that he is Catholic and seems to be active. That is OK of course, but our ideas may clash. As long as he is one of those kind of people that accepts differences, then we're good to go. At least Catholocism is not unfamiliar and if I had to pick a religion, there are parts of it that I truely enjoy. Now if we could just get over that pesky birth control issue, priests marrying, and abortion, we'd be good to go. Oh, and quit being hateful to gays. Yeah, other than that, it would be the perfect religion for me, and I do mean that. Our Weddings are the best. Funerals are not too shabby either if you're Irish Catholic.

Ok, what else do I hope? Oh, if he is all those things, then please let the interest be mutual. If he is NOT all those things, then let the disinterest be mutual quick and painless for both. I have my doubts though. I really do.

In other news. I went out with my friend C last night. I had never gone out with her just the two of us, and I had a blast! I was really surprised. My friend J is moving two hours away and I am crushed. Good girlfriends are nearly impossible to come by. I need to cultivate more female friendships. Seriously.

Sexism and the bank...

Dear__________bank. I have been with your bank through three name changes and since 1980. Over half of my life. When I was married, you ASSumed my husband was the primary bread winner but it seems you failed to look at the name on the checks. I say this because you always recognized him and greeted him by name. It always pissed me off. That is why I was such an asshole to your manager yesterday when she asked me where my husband has been and what he's been up to. So there. Now you know. Stop being sexist, and mind your own fucking business. Customer service is sufficient enough. Personal service really isn't anyone's place unless you are managing my personal fucking life, which I am managing quiet well on my own.

It's about time...

Today's Gemini Horoscope for November 29, 2007
What do you have to lose, dear Gemini? The planets are shaking you like a fruit tree in the hopes of ridding you of your old objectives to make way for new growth. You feel doubt where once there was only certainty. When you consider the worst that can happen, it may help you realize that what you are clinging to so dearly really is not all that important to you. It's time to let go and begin anew. More...

Tuesday, November 27, 2007 has come and gone. Wednesday I got my papers in the mail. And now it is as if it never existed. I can't wait until I have the cash he owes me and every little article of possessions he ever had here is GONE! I still feel like I am in the mourning process but it is less. It is final and there is nothing I can do about that....but there is so much I can still do. The horoscope is right. Begin anew indeed!

Tomorrow...

I will be unmarried. Just like that. No ceremony, no certificate, nothing. He just goes to the courthouse signs something and a few days later I guess I get some kind of confirmation in the mail. I didn't expect it to hurt this bad. I just want this pain to end.

Stages...

The stages of recovery (and you can be stuck in one stage then move on to the next then jump back to the first stage, etc......).
1. Anger - you broke up and you're pissed and mad. Screw them.
2. Shock - relationship ends, you're in disbelief think maybe in a week they'll call and everything will be ok again. Did we really end it this time?
3. Fear - "Oh no! - did we really break up for good?" It's been a few weeks and you haven't heard from them you do a 360 and start wondering what the ex is doing - why hasn't he/she called by now?
4. Obsession - what are they doing, where are they, how could they end it or (if you ended it) - is this the right thing? What if I screwed up? What if no one else loves me or comes along. You go into fatal attraction mode obsessing and thinking way too much. Everything reminds you of your ex.
5. You suddenly want back what you had. This is the danger zone here - you might suddenly call them, want to send emails or letters, etc. You can lose your marbles during this particular stage and think you'll do anything to get them back. This is where you have to stop yourself at all costs. This stage is the longest......you hate them-it's over, you miss them more than life and want them back - you yo-yo and obsess and drive yourself bonkers
.6. Light at the end of the tunnel. After stage 5 and 5-6 months has passed you suddenly start laughing again and then catch yourself going for more than an hour without thinking about your ex.
7. You no longer have obsessive desires to contact your ex - you actually start thinking "What the hell did I ever see in them?". You start feeling better and your friends welcome you back to reality.
8. You know if you ran into your ex you wouldn't shake at the knees and become irrational - you'd either avoid them or say "Hi, I'd love to chat but I've gotta be somewhere in five minutes - SEE YA!".
9. You can go out for margaritas and enjoy looking at the opposite sex!
10. You can look back at photos of your ex and not think twice - instead you pack up their memories, store them away and think of other things you need to do instead of sit crying over them.

Today's Gemini Horoscope for November 22, 2007
A partner for life or a brief encounter. Which will it be? This is the question of the day. Why not choose both? Can't you imagine being your partner's lover and also simultaneously keeping your independence? Don't let yourself be influenced by old models that force you to choose between these two ideas. Don't forget that in our modern world, your choices aren't as limited as you might think they are!


Which will it be indeed. Where am I to pick from?

There was a day...

There was a day that i wanted a camel, a llama and a book filled with wonderous illustrations of faeries.

There was a day that I wanted to leave home so badly. Escape.

There was a day that I wanted to come home so badly. Escape.

horoscopes...

Just once I would like it to read Leo: You really fucked things up and now you will spend the rest of your life in the regret hole and never be able to dig yourself out...too bad, so sad.

Gemini: You will never have a bad horoscope. Just enough downs to give you perspective and appreciation for the good in your life, but you are charmed.

Taurus (men): Stay away from gemini. she does not like you. You are weird. Same for Capricorn.

One year ago today...

I was driving up to my sister's house to meet my niece for the very first time. My sister had given her up for adoption 28 years ago (Sept. 11, 1979) and they found each other through some on line adoption/birth parent search. I just went to her wedding in September (the 22nd). It was a great time.

One year ago Julie and I decided to start working out in the basement. Very shortly after, Mike decided to keep working out and changed. Hmmm. I still wonder if he was somehow having an affair. I wonder if he met Gina at Frank and Keri's house Dec. 2nd when they had the wine tasting at their place. I remember he stayed out very late then. It's the helliday season. I am bitter.

How can that be true?

It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.

Yeah. Right up there with whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Truth is, today life is killing me.

domestic drones...

The smell of the day is oranges.

I used to like the fresh mountain breeze of Mr. Clean. It reminded me of the print room at school when we had to clean our silk screens. When I started to live on my own, that is the cleaner that I bought. Later the scent became a part of everyday life and associated with all that was...

I thought about pinesol. I think it is too harsh, too institutional. The lemon scent always reminded me of Joy dish detergent that mom bought because it was cheap and I longed for the soft pretty smell of palmolive and Madge saying "you're soaking in it"! I liked doing dishes at Lori's house because her mom bought Pinesol and Palmolive. I buy AJax lavendar dish soap now. It is fresh and invigorating! Oh yes, it certainly is.

For general cleaner, I couldn't decide on the orange or the lemon scent since the mountain fresh scent is almost gone. I got them both. Right now there is the scent of oranges lingering. I am not sure how I feel about it.

9 days

Still not smoking. I had also gained 10 lbs this month but just lost 5 in the last 2 days because I got back on track there too. I have a tendency to go from careless to ultimate control phreak and the pendulum has swung back to control phreak. That feels safe right now. I feel happy when I am in control.

This week is only a four day week because of election day. I am thinking of getting some paint and painting this office. I want a warm colour because when it is dark in here it just seems so cold but when the sun finally makes its way in here during the late afternoon- early evening hours the room is a total glow and magical looking room. I want to enhance that. Perhaps a warm terra cotta deep red with a light golden yellow. Or make the whole room a light golden yellow. Gah. I don't know. I want to go bold. What i REALLY want is deep purples, midnight blue and gold but the room is much too small for that. Why must I always be so practical? Maybe i can find some bargain paints to experiment with.

I tried....

You know, I am sure it wasn't really THAT much of a tradition but I have these fond memories of Mike and I sitting on the stoop outside passing out candy to the kids. It was either last year or the year before that we got scolded for being too lovey dovey and reminded that we weren't newly weds anymore by our neighbours. It was last year that we went to the wedding of our friend right before halloween and the air was cold and damp. We danced almost all night together...the only people on the floor sometimes. We were again told how great a couple we made. Tonight the air was not cold and damp. There were many trick or treaters but half the time I stayed inside. Towards the end I emptied big handfuls into the children's bags. I feel too shy to do the halloween thing by myself but I did try and I will make a new tradition. Maybe next year i will dress up and do scary stuff.

He came and got the divorce papers that I signed. I left them in the mail box because I was going swimming. Halfway through the class I remembered that I wanted to hold the papers ransome so that I could get the money he owes me. 2000.00. eh. what is the price of having all this crap over with?

Still, it needles me to know that he would not be where he is today with out me.

He is spending all his money on some other girl...Money that I should have.

He used me. Bottom line...I was completely used and wasted.

I could be sick from those thoughts. I fight that they are eating at me sometimes.

It has been five days and i have not smoked. I told a friend how badly I wanted one after handing over the papers like that yesterday. She said I deserved one. I told her that no, i deserve to keep myself healthy and deserve to take care of myself. For a very small moment I felt empowered. At least I am more of two steps forward one step back instead of two steps back one step foward. I know I am not used up and wasted. I just feel really bitter for the moment. Really angry and maybe a little self pitying. I want my mom.

The little things you don't notice...

How many times do you update your profile when you are on message boards? I mean half the time you don't even know what you've written. Then you happen upon your profile one day and see how you wrote that you were happily married to the most wonderful man in the whole wide world...and you would NEVER be divorced becuase your life was just sooooooo perfect and fine and beautiful. You were soooo lucky and so blessed to have all this good fortune wrapped up in the super human male form that shared your bed at night.


And then you think what a dumbass. Roll your eyes at yourself and hit delete. and then get a nice little giggle in because now you know better. It isn't being jaded. It is being wiser.

A wish list...

New camera
baseboards
appliances...washer, dryer, dishwasher
New front door with a window
New furniture
Waterproofed basement
A thingie that will allow me wireless access through the house.

A good guy. A really good guy that is up to my standards (which aren't huge).

It was a a bust....

The date last night. Nice guy, cute, but it just wasn't there for me. Thankfully, I believe the feeling was mutual. I feel most relieved that it wasn't a go. I don't know why.

Apathy

Mike brought over the separation agreement on Monday. I signed it yesterday and J notorized it. I don't feel anything for him anymore...No hatred, no love, no nothing. Just apathetic about the whole thing. The old guy I was seeing called me on Mon. night too. again, apathy. The new guy is using the L word...apathy. I have a date on Tuesday with yet another new guy and I feel less apathetic about meeting him but still, no flutters of anxiety and hopes of all that might be. I just don't care right now. Not about being with someone anyway.

I took my step dad out for lunch today. It was nice to spend time with him.. He is 86 years old but geesh, he doesn't seem it. I also picked up a bunch of storage boxes from mom's stuff. I figure I can use some of it for school. I bought some knee highs and cat toys today.

I was going to get my home organized this weekend but once again just feel apathetic.

The antiM

I have met a nice guy (the old one fizzled out). He is the Anti-Mike...Eclectic, comfortable, different and unconcerned with the way others see him. He has long dark hair, kind brown eyes, and a weird little strip of a beard (it's grey) that goes from his lip to the chin about a half inch wide...not so much a goatee. He plays the violin though I have not heard it yet. Seems to be open minded but also on the conservative side. I haven't quite figured him out or determined whether or not I am interested in him. He is curious. The more I talk to him the more I like him even though his grammar is atrocious. That was a big hang up for me though I am getting over it. On our second date he wrote me a little story and bought me a yellow carnation (not too fond of yellow but I love carnations). He's local, in the same city. That could be a plus...or not. It will be interesting to see where things go.

And so it feels like fall...

I know I complain bitterly about the cold but I welcome fall and winter this year with new hopes and a feeling of contentment. Perhaps it is the release of seretonins (?)I am experiencing since I just got back from swim. Funny, my freshman year in highschool we had just moved to this house and I was on a swim team. I remember it being November, cold, and coming out of the gym with wet hair but not being cold. Not cold like I was last year. Happiness makes you warm. It does. Anyway, here it is 25 years later and I am coming home tired, but not in that bad way. Relaxed, happy and actually feeling like I am home. It is a good place to be.

Saturday whims..

I slept until 10:00. Here it is going into the second week of October and it is getting up to 90 something. Small hints of rain but not a drop comes. I am still bummed about that situtaion. Things are still calm and peaceful and my last 10 years are becoming a far away memory in some ways. You think you will never get over it, but it is amazing how sometimes you just cope without any effort. The pain goes away, you start to forget and you know you're on the way to making a full recovery when the little things come up that are still unresolved and you don't flinch. Mike must be making very large purchases because the credit card company called for a fraud alert. I called him to let him know (left a message and he never called back). I had a moment of anger and wonder as to what he was doing making large purchases when he owes me money, and then it just went away. I can think of him being with someone else now and it doesn't bother me. I can think of him buying whatever he wants for whomever he wants or shacking up and playing family man and think..glad it isn't my problem anymore. I would like to know when he is going to get on the ball and get this divorce over with though. It is the last monkey on my back.

settling in...

Things have been quiet here. The new romance that budded back in March and the rocky road through the summer has evaporated into nothingness. There were no good byes, no fights, just nothing and I am just fine with that. I went for a walk the other evening at sunset. The warm vermillion glow that was cast by the angle of the sun was memorable, beautiful, and calming. I have forgotten what that peaceful feeling had felt like and it seems years since I have been able to appreciate that which often goes over looked. I remember being struck by some of life's most everyday ordinary events and finding awe in them.. I am finding that again and so glad.

I am becoming my own person again. The person I used to love to hang out with and feel comfortable with. The person who knew how to make her mark and live to her fullest. I need to get to know her again and see what exciting things she has planned. I respected and envied her and I think she has gotten much stronger since I last saw her.